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This has got me thinking. Need input....

tankh21's picture

Submitted by tankh21 on Thu, 05/04/2017 - 8:29am

This OP's blog has me thinking how frustrating it truly is when this skids are spoiled and get their own way all the time. Don't get me wrong we all have different parenting styles or what is right and wrong but, I think there is some basic things that kids should be taught in order to be become a decent human being and function in today's society. Basically structure, manners, how to love, the difference between right and wrong, what a consequence is. My skids are spoiled, lack structure and manners. They try to manipulate people. Another issue is that if a kid is always failing in school should they be allowed to be in a extra curricular activity? I feel that extra curricular activities is good for the kid's development and structure but, at the same time I feel that school should be a priority over extra curricular activities. Kids thrive for structure and I think rewarding them is really not setting a good example but, what do I know I am just a step mom LOL. What are your frustrations and thoughts on these topics I have mentioned??

Comments

Monchichi's picture

Submitted by Monchichi on Thu, 05/04/2017 - 8:32am

I'd just like my SS to get past Gr 1 and not poop himself or eat with wee'd on hands. My hopes are small.

tankh21's picture

Submitted by tankh21 on Thu, 05/04/2017 - 8:43am

LOL I was going to say that he was unleashing the kraken in his pants but accident seemed more appropriate. }:)

Monchichi's picture

Submitted by Monchichi on Thu, 05/04/2017 - 9:00am

There are a large number of us here who know it's our husbands bad/ non existent parenting of their children. Some of our husbands are in fact trying to change that mind set. Give the ladies a break Brick. Baby steps Blum 3

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Thu, 05/04/2017 - 9:14am

Where is anyone blaming the kids? The OP and all commenters I see are specifically talking about parenting or lack thereof.

tankh21's picture

Submitted by tankh21 on Thu, 05/04/2017 - 9:16am

I wish my skids were that way but, it is the lack of structure and parenting on my DH and BM's part. My skids get whatever they want from BM. They are always failing a class every time DH gets a progress report or report card from BM. It boggles my mind how much these kids get coddled by BM and how much my DH says stuff is not a big deal. My OSS is also high function Autism and the YSS has ADHD. The YSS behavior is the worst. He spits, kicks and hits OSS and apparently BM doesn't know what to do about it besides keep threatening to send him to boot camp. Both skids have their own cell phones on BM's cell phone plan. OSS is in extra curricular activities but, still makes poor grades. YSS is in a special needs program at school. I am slowly disengaging from all of this drama and still trying to be DH's voice of reason.

stepmomof1biomomof1's picture

Submitted by stepmomof1biomomof1 on Thu, 05/04/2017 - 10:15am

Is he on any medicine? My son12 is ADHD but does not have behavioral issues. He takes a stimulant in the morning and a non stimulant in the afternoon.

tankh21's picture

Submitted by tankh21 on Thu, 05/04/2017 - 10:24am

I think he is on medicine at BM's house and he told DH and I that he takes it before he goes to school but, no medication ever comes to our house with him and I have noticed he is a zombie and is mellow when he comes over on Friday night when it is DH's weekend and then goes back to himself starting on Saturday morning.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Thu, 05/04/2017 - 9:44am

I didn't raise my kids to be entitled either, and I raised them much the same way you did. Thing2 dealt with pretty severe ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder and I NEVER let him use that as an excuse.

Mine, too, are not perfect, but they are productive and functioning members of society.

DD26 has a liberal arts degree, is married and expecting, has a mortgage, and a great job at her father-in-law's company, which she will likely run one day! Her husband works for the family business as well, but he's not terribly ambitious and she is smarter than he is Smile

Thing1 is a newly-minted business school graduate who has a fantastic consulting gig in Chicago that he will begin on July 1. He is home for a week or so and will head to Europe for 5 weeks before moving to Chicago. He is paying for the trip with the money he made last summer at his (high paying) internship.

Thing2 gets his degree in Microbiology on Saturday morning and will (hopefully) be heading to Japan in October for a PhD in microbiology/virology. If he is not accepted to the program, he will get a job and live on his own.

All three of my kids were honors students in high school and college. I bought them cars when they turned 16, but those cars were "age appropriate" - no new vehicles for them. The Things had to share a car and they were told if I ever heard them fighting about it, I would take the keys in a heartbeat. I paid for their insurance and any needed repairs, and they pay for gas and maintenance. They needed to do well in school, run the errands requested of them, and participate in at least one sport or school activity. They didn't have to have jobs in high school, but Thing1 did - he's an overachiever Smile

DD26 was given six months post college graduation to remain on our cell phone plan, and to have us continue to pay her car expenses. She wasn't making much money when she graduated. Once she got engaged and bought a house, we revisited that and decided that if she could afford a mortgage, she could afford her own car and cell phone Smile

Thing1 will be making close to 80K, and isn't taking his car to Chicago, and his company will provide him with a cell phone, so he won't get the same deal that DD26 got. Thing2 will not be taking his car to Japan, but I think I will keep him on our cell phone plan...

All three know how to manage their money and live within their budgets. They have also suffered the consequences when they didn't.

Like you, I feel that creating entitled assholes is a form of child abuse.

tankh21's picture

Submitted by tankh21 on Thu, 05/04/2017 - 9:45am

I agree that it is not good for either and the way they are being parented. I try to help DH as much as I can but since they are older and not toddlers it is kind of hard. But, I tell DH you pay the bills and can make the decision for things like what they eat and what they get to do so I think there is still some hope if DH gets off his ass!!

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 05/04/2017 - 9:13am

Getting their own way is different from a lot of what is being described. It sounds like the SK doesn't have a really good basis in parenting (some of which may involve being overindulgent).

It can be particularly tough in step situations because what happens in one home doesn't always happen in the other, so consistency is a bit tougher. However, it is still possible to instill a "in this house we act as such.." mentality.

As far as extra curricular activities are concerned, most schools will require a certain GPA to participate in their sports. But, beyond that, it's up to the parents to decide.

It is one thing if the kid is so over scheduled that they don't have time to work on their schoolwork.. or participation leaves them tired etc. Otherwise, an outside activity is probably still ok as long as the parents continue to work with the child to improve school performance. Not doing well in school can happen for many reasons, I wouldn't punish a child if they struggled but were trying. I might be more inclined if they were willfully not doing the work.. however even that can be a sign that it's difficult for them.

As a personal example, I came across a first grade report card that said that while I was overall a good kid and all, I often was "reading ahead" in my books (loved to read) and not staying on lesson. As far as math they said it was as if I "refused to even do the work". Math was harder for me... so I avoided the lessons to the extent I could. Part of it was due to the fact that I was in a class with kids who started out ahead of me (switching schools) and so I was a lot further behind which was not so much as whether I was smart enough.. but it was frustrating.

tankh21's picture

Submitted by tankh21 on Thu, 05/04/2017 - 9:22am

I struggled in math as well and had to go to tutoring after school all the time. BM makes sure that DH has little involvement when it comes to the skids school stuff and medical stuff unless she wants him to pay for something of course. I keep telling DH that he needs to go up to the school and give them a copy of the CO so that he can be involved in the skids school stuff. DH took YSS to the doctor and he does have ADHD but, said that he doesn't recommend him being on medication at this time. BM has him on ADHD medication when he is there with her but, hides it from DH. I have noticed that YSS is a zombie when he comes over on Friday night but, then he is picking on OSS and being hyper the next day so I think she is giving it to him and not telling DH.

tankh21's picture

Submitted by tankh21 on Thu, 05/04/2017 - 10:11am

It is both parent's fault. BM has no idea what she is even doing. I would say my DH is actually the better parent because the skids have rules at our house and when they misbehave there is consequences. How is BM hindering my DH? There is really not much that DH can do when the skids are at her house. She is the CP.

JustAgirl42's picture

Submitted by JustAgirl42 on Thu, 05/04/2017 - 10:55am

My FDH feels that SD13 shouldn't have to do anything at all around the house because she does really well in school and sports.

She is also spoiled with pairs and pairs of expensive new sneakers and clothes, plus has the latest iphone.

She's nice and respectful, so how can I complain that she contributes absolutely nothing chore-wise?

tankh21's picture

Submitted by tankh21 on Thu, 05/04/2017 - 11:12am

Dang I still have an Iphone 5 and a 13 year old girl has the newest Iphone 7 must be nice!! She is certainly old enough to do some simple chores like putting laundry away or washing dishes. I was washing dishes at 9 years old. Just because she does well in school and sports doesn't mean she can't learn what responsibility is.

tankh21's picture

Submitted by tankh21 on Mon, 05/08/2017 - 7:00am

LOL Yeah that is what I say. My DH knocked up BM and didn't even know she was pregnant until she was in labor with OSS. I don't put up with self entitled snowflakes in my house either. I tell DH that I will not have kids running my household otherwise I will cut myself loose and move out.