Will Daddee Ever See or is Blindness a Permanent Condition?
This is a million dollar question, (but the funds are lacking ;-), at least it is worth a million to me to find out-if true; or even a few hundred to muster up some hope-for the future.
After you disengage completely, do these self-absorbed people EVER open up daddee's cloudy eyes-- on their own? Has it been your experience that daddeee "sees the light," so to speak? Let's just say you have taken yourself completely out of the equation, because frankly it was the only thing you could do (you were excluded anyway),...so now, you cannot be the blame for anything. You have zero contact with those who despise you and wish you marital doom publicly; you have no communication with them, as well. You do nothing, say nothing, and participate in nothing....nothing. You've always been nothing, anyway.
My goal is not to keep him from anybody, my only goal is for my husband to see the "big" picture and accept his reality, as reality. But, I am not certain it will ever happen for me. I am living with the ultimate daddee doormat, who is scared of his own kids.
If you have had a major break-though, I would love to hear about it. Or, if you think there is never a break-though (hopeless), thoughts here too?
So ST Friends, do you have success stories to tell or is the in tact step family wish--as hopeless, as I have been told and also fully experienced?
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It is what it is....the SM
It is what it is....the SM before me refused to have anything to do with them too, so I am not the first; sounds like you are not either... I hear you lady, I cannot watch it any longer either and I certainly can no longer allow this enmeshed bunch to keep sending me the message I am NOT "their" family; I do not belong.
Your answer is pretty much what I thought might be the norm....thank you for sharing with me.
I can't say I've fully
I can't say I've fully disengaged from sd17 but I've disengaged quite a bit. We don't speak to each other as a rule. And I've pulled way back in my private talks with her dad about her.
The results are that 3 weeks from supposed graduation she still has 3 Fs and, yes, he can see this for himself. Wouldn't listen 3 years ago when I saw it coming but I've shut up about it the last 1 1/2 years so that train hit him all by itself. He has also figured out a few other things about her.
On the other hand, he does still see some things about her with rose colored glasses. I shut up and only say, mmmmmm.
He has never allowed her to express anti-our-marriage remarks in front of him. She has done some awful things TO me that he didn't see (denial be strong) but he has worked with me vigorously on it.
She will not be living here as an adult.
If you can have any healthy
If you can have any healthy relationship with you SD, I commend you as you are doing something that is working.
My husband can actually see/read the things written about me, (easy to read FB when I show it to him in writing), and still he makes excuses, like she did not mean it they way you think (LOL): and he will definitely lie to me to excuse their most horrific behavior, (he wants me to think they are nicer than they are); until he gets caught, hahaha...they used to tell on him, to me...
I do not even bother telling him now of what I learn, regardless; what they do or what others tell me they do, say or write about me--as he only makes up crazy lame excuses and it makes me look like the trouble maker.
Wait. I must have been
Wait. I must have been unclear. I do not have a healthy relationship with my SD. Not at all. She is very cruel to me. I rejoice when she does not come over. I have set up boundaries with her on my own.
But I do have a healthy relationship with my DH. Facing the challenge of SD and her mother has been quite an ordeal. But we have done it. Sometimes I just have to give him credit for trying because I can now see some things are just not possible for him. But he goes way overboard for me in many other ways so the bottom line is definitely in the black.
Even so, that girl has been a huge trial for us. DH has had to see some things for himself, like her current failure to graduate, and that's what I thought you were asking.
I know she has been a
I know she has been a challenge Chief, I have read your responses here on ST; you have gone the extra mile for your husband and I commend you for that....I understand painfully cruel people in your own home and how that weighs on you, over time.
You give your husband some credit for opening his eyes to her failure, etc., so that is encouraging; I cannot even give mine extra credit to make up for the credits he missed...LOL....
..
Nothing positive here either.
Nothing positive here either. Id say with ss getting older(and taller) dh is expecting things from ss13, but how can you expect certain things from a teen that you never trained as a kid??
He still has blinders, ss has As in school-oh awesome we do not have to do anything or worry about failing tests or not handing in hw- oh crap- that A changed to a C- ahh what happened why is it a C- EYE ROLL- hmm maybe if you worried while it was still an A it would not have dropped, duh.
He will ask ss to help him do whatever- ss says NO, does not even stop what he is doing, dh gets upset- welll when you let your 7 year old brat tell you NO, do you really think a teenager will say YES??
If gets really frustrating, i feel like i go in modes- my back off do nothing mode- i cant take it anymore so back involved mode- tiptoe mode- i feel ive finally got in a dont give a eff mode, which is not good at all.
Thanks Lady, Maybe not caring
Thanks Lady,
Maybe not caring is the best decision...think about it--- how did caring work for either of us?
When you parent this way, you turn out adults who behave exactly this same way- my experience....his 7 year old will rule him the rest of his life if he is like my husband. A lack of parenting and building character does not positively change anybody regardless of height or age, no doubt. As far as grades go, you get what you expect, huh?
I know with the little ones it is harder to get away from it all...that is hard to imagine...
Thank you again for your response.
I guess that was a little
I guess that was a little confusing lol.
I meant when ss was 7.
When ss was 7, dh would ask him to help him do stuff, or clean something ss would flat out say no. Dh would make all these excuses, or sigh and do it himself, and now he expects a 13 year old to have a different answer?
I mean dh pretty much let ss know at 7 if he says no dh walks away.
Ss does not tell me no that often, he learned if he tells me no i dont "sulkoff" lol
You are actually
You are actually "parenting,"good for you! You are giving SS the structure he lacks in his life, that he will badly need in the future.
I can't declare victory yet,
I can't declare victory yet, i still have 10 years before the battle of childhood can be won but my situation has improved immensely. We started off rocky with BM trying assert dominance and DH's family supporting BM but once I made it clear that HBIC was me and that EVERYONE can get cut off, everyone fell in line. It was the rockiest my relationship with DH had ever been but it was worth it.
My biggest hurdle was standing up for me. I was trying to fit in to something that wasn't made for me. When i made my own spot and commanded it, everything improved. My relationship with SD8 is slow to develop but that's fine with me. I still don't really bother too much with OSIL and my family has calmed down their expectations (after i told them to stuff it and after all my siblings have started to have their relationship options dwindle to men with kids).
You seem more victorious than
You seem more victorious than the rest of us LockNest.....hope this keeps moving in the right direction for you...Nice to hear a success story and keep up the great work.
This is still a TBD in my own
This is still a TBD in my own situation. We will see. I think DH understands the conflict more. He understands where the SM is placed in a bad position. He understands that the skids feel competition. He really has a problem saying and doing things without thinking.
Proud of you SL, you appear
Proud of you SL, you appear to be making a big difference in your own life. I see great things in your future!
Good for you Granny, That
Good for you Granny,
That worked out perfectly and had long term positive effects on your marriage. way to go..you played your cards well that day.
See, you knew his daughter better than he did; is that not crazy? What is up with these clueless men? How do they get through life with others? I just do not understand how some people can keep blinders on- when there is a total eclipse of the sun glaring in their faces.
But you cut through all that with your gentle guidance: great turning point Granny. They say natural consequences are the best learning experiences.
Its strange to me how men do
Its strange to me how men do not get the "something is off" vibe.
I do not get it....im not ss biomom- but i get weird mom radar ALL the time...he will tell a story and something he says will make me ask more questions.
Or he will ask to go somewhere and something he will say again will set me off asking questions- who is going? How long? Blah blah
Not dh- he would not ask more questions if his ears were on fire!!
It goes both ways too- my bs was acting weird on pickup day, i noticed and started checking his pockets- lil butthead tried to sneak out a brand new toy i got him, and take it to his dads house! (I dont care if he takes toys, but i like to know so if he "cant find it" ill know why.
Dh says man i never would have thought to check him, how did you know he had toys on him?
Wow. You didnt notice him trying to cover up his pockets with his hands? Or how i could not get close to him?? And he got kind of giggly?
Whatever- im just really suspecious ALL THE TIME....lol
It is a natural "withitness"
It is a natural "withitness" many of us have, that either helps us or harms us...not certain which. Living in the dark, however, does not help raise a contributing adult; I have seen that first handedly.
i think some partial
i think some partial blindness will always be a condition. after almost twenty years dh still rationalises for his childrens behaviour kicked out of the military drugs and bad life choices. there is always an excuse for it.
Wow....so they kicked him out
Wow....so they kicked him out of the military for bad choices (you have to work at this, you know),--and, that is the military's fault. That is exactly how mine would think too, that is why all of them have been in trouble with the law, do drugs and did little to nothing with their lives. They have excuses for everything, masters of excuses, never taking any responsiblity. How do you live in fantasy land?
Just pathetic, huh? How do we deal with this level of stupidity?
Gee S&S my DH rationalized
Gee S&S my DH rationalized the exact same thing about the skids. BOTH ss's were kicked out of the army. In both cases DH rationalized that it was neither of their faults. ss31 almost ended up w/a dishonorable discharge because of a violent offense but it wasn't his fault, never is.
Until very recently anything the kids failed at was not their fault according to DH. Not long ago DH finally went off on ss31 after ss called complaining how hard life was, asking for money, quit yet another job, wah wah. DH told him that he's "failed to start in life," and basically that he needed to get it together because he was no longer on DH's teat. So there has been progress in the fact that DH is getting tired of working his a$$ off and being used for his wallet. Whether this will last I don't know. All I know is that I'm out, and unless it affects my peace it's not my problem.
We reap what we sow, Still
We reap what we sow, Still Learning....hang in there....
Thank you Diminished, If
Thank you Diminished,
If sweetie pie insists on living in his fairy tale world and the SM stays engaged I think it gradually becomes emotional abuse.
And, if you have no right to any opinion and feelings, why would you want to be around this insanity dynamic at all?
The more responses I get, the more I realize the situation is "hopeless."
Even the break-throughs are not the end it all, it appears....I.m trying to keep an open mind...
Thank you Diminished, he is a
Thank you Diminished, he is a terrific husband to me-- if I stay away from them; if I had to interact with them, I would file for divorce; it would be worth it to NOT be abused that way. I did not catch on for a while, but I did get the big picture, like you. SL says you never can really disengage, and that is true because you wonder about what you do not know. I have learned here on ST to keep telling myself that wondering is unhealthy, so I self talk now..Thank you SL and Sammi....
If you are never validated, you must not exist anyway:.that's how I see it. Sounds like you have had quite the journey too.
It is the hardest part
It is the hardest part Diminished, and you are so right..just when I think I am beyond it, over it....another trigger and I am right back to square one...like the game Sorry.....
SO got the lights switched on
SO got the lights switched on when we went to see a Counselor who specialised in blended families. She taught him about how he was triangulating our relationship and also keeping SD and BM in the core of it by bowing to their wishes.
He started laying boundaries and both SD and BM were enraged. SD then refused to visit and BM backed her up 100%. BM went for 100% child support a couple of days after SD refused to visit SO. That was in 2013. Despite numerous attempts by SO to try and repair the relationship, nothing worked because BM refused to help. She was SD's best friend FOREVER!
PAS was 100% success after a few years and SD now refers to SO as a cowardly C*** and a sperm donor. BM has now sent SD overseas for the next couple of years thereby shooting down any hopes SO had of reconciling.
When you have a vicious, GUBM in the picture - Fathers pretty much have no hope whatsoever with having a good relationship with their kids.
On the other hand, BM tried similar approach with SS. She tried to stop him visiting in order to support his sister. SS refused, and continues to visit with SO to this day. He is loyal to his father and loves him without condition. Shame SD never felt the same way.
Thank you
Thank you Islandgal,
Truthfully, I only know of one family, ever in my life that the SM was liked and she has no children of her own and is a great person. The kids are so kind to her, sometimes I just think why cannot that be me? I was just as kind to mine and nothing I did helped even from the get go....It would be so easier to be one big happy family. I am certain BM plays a role here too; she too thought she would MAKE ME and her ex-- me go to HER planned outings etc with her and her baby entourage , also new dadeee husband, real daddeee and bonus dadeee...Everybody is daddeee and the more daddees the merrier--obviously.
That did not fly immediately, as you might imagine. The cards are just stacked up too much on one side, so it is hopeless for me,
Hey, at least the counselor did not waste your money and your husband was willing to listen to reason!
The problem is that parents
The problem is that parents have that unconditional love connection with their kids going on. You know that connection that makes the parents not mind when their kids puke on them (and worse..lol)?
So, what you may see as "DADDEEE" stuff is really affirming to the parent that their child relies on them and needs them. That doesn't make it less annoying, just that the parent is biologically wired to see their kids in a different light than a non-parent does. Isn't little jimmy cute?
That being said, parents can and do notice when their kids do things that aren't right. My DH actually is fairly objective about his girls..but still loves them. No, he didn't allow them to treat me poorly, but when they do things that aren't right, he has no real problem recognizing it. He just says it's their mother coming out in them..lol.
EAMOD, good for you...you are
EAMOD, good for you...you are most fortunate, you really are...
At least your husband has a reality vision in his head somewhere and he expresses it to you...that is incredible, from where I stand, at least. Too funny, in my case not all of these are of ANY biology, but the one who is will ex him out without catering to the whole lot of them. They have successfully exed out numerous people in his life already, before my time; and have worKed really hard on me too...LOL.
If he even admitted to just printed facts (that is all), I would be amazed; so good for you and your husband!
I think the objectivity is
I think the objectivity is key. I have no problems recognizing when my kids do something I am not happy with. I have no problem with communicating that to DH. But he is impervious to everything going on around him. It just goes over his head. The funny thing is that most of OSD's manipulative attempts go right over his head too, except when she uses guilt or turns into a victim.
That's exactly as it is...in
That's exactly as it is...in my house too...so frustrating when you cannot be oblivious to it and/or you are their target practice. It is amazing how much guilt plays on a man and how effectively it is used; does it work for SM's? LoL
If so, I have not figured out how.....hahaha...and, I have to say it would be worth a try....
My SO hides in his man-cave,
My SO hides in his man-cave, and thus misses all the fun. Or ignores it, and it gets under MY skin. Otherwise he sees it and "that's just the way it is, she's my flesh and blood..."
Okay Clove, I try my best to
Okay Clove, I try my best to hide in a cave too.....but then reality sets in. Thank you for your response.
I feel my DH has opened his
I feel my DH has opened his eyes regarding my OSS and MSS. I got sick of being the blame for everything wrong in their world. I was actually told that MSS hated me because I didn't buy him things.....OK then hate me kid. I finally got so sick of being bashed and treated like crap (and DH doing nothing about it) I disengaged totally from OSS and MSS. Interestingly, once I removed myself from the equation, DH was able to see they were manipulative monsters who only cared about him when they were getting something. I have been disengaged for about three years now. OSS and MSS are polite to me on the rare times I see them. But I stay disengaged. I refuse to allow that negativity back in my life.
Agreed SM12, it is about the
Agreed SM12, it is about the negativity, the ridiculous and unnecessary emotional struggle--that nobody deserves. Why participate in this?
It is wonderful your husband opened his eyes and realized who would always be in his camp until death you part. Happy to hear reality reared its head in your life.
My husband can see and I am
My husband can see and I am mostly disengaged. He chooses to blame BM, SF and half brother. He doesn't accept his and his parents roles in this mess. His son is also never to blame, it's always someone else fault.
Thank you Mon, Nothing like
Thank you Mon,
Nothing like finger pointing, rather than dealing with the real issues. I completely understand. I have no clue how to fix it, but I live it.
Can, don't get too
Can, don't get too despondent. My husband for the first time parented his son this weekend. It is possible, doesn't mean he doesn't have excuses for why though.
Yeah Mon, so happy for you,
Yeah Mon, so happy for you, because it is a marital break-through...
Wow, you and I are excited even when normal parenting happens-because for us it is a HUGE thing!
Hope things continue to improve, congrats!
CANYOUHELP: You have come so
CANYOUHELP: You have come so very far in your disengagement. I follow your posts and try to keep up on the blogs here too. I know you are on the high road and the more you stay with your boundaries, the easier it will get.
It was myself that had to open my eyes. My Skids were grown, when DH and I began our relationship. It took me 30+ years to realize they had lead a completely different upbringing and life than I had. It's almost like we were all from a different culture, which is exactly what it is, in my case.
To this day, none of my grown skids, nor my DH say "thank you", "I'm sorry". They are not compassionate people and are with absolutely no manners. Sit down to a meal with them and I am astounded at their eating and social behavior. They are negative and narcissist. This was all learning and developmental issues long before I came into the picture.
I've always had an open mind and never judged someone. These people, including my DH never go thru a day without judging, gossiping, or a negative thought. It amazes me.
When I learned to ignore their life style and move forward with my own; instead of accepting it and living it with them, I became disengaged and retrieved my life and happiness. My marriage is what it is, but not what I thought it was. It is like, "I don't know this man I'm married to". Now that he needs me, with his bad health, he is trying very hard to do better; but again this is only for his benefit, I am receiving absolutely nothing from him.
I have learned to move forward without this behavior and know that my DH will never see the light. He knows, but he will never admit it nor change it. I have always accepted people for their differences and the fact that everyone handles life differently and to the best of their knowledge. I have put my skids and DH in this picture. They are different, lived a different life than I have, and have different views.
My only mistake, was accepting it for years and letting them drag me down; now I am standing straight again, but it is very difficult to love someone that you visioned to have your back and know that he never did. Yes, it is what it is. We either walk or make a silk purse out of a sows ear.
You are doing fine. The only suggestion I have; move forward and be the beautiful person that you are.