My story seems to be different from everyone's but yet the same
Two months ago my husband found out he has a 49-year-old daughter, he didn't know he had, who wants to have a relationship with him. He also wants to have a relationship with her. Although, he says, that relationship will be an occasional call and visit. That is not what I see that she wants. AND, I’m jealous.
Since then, our lives have been turned upside down. Well, should I say my life has been turned upside down. They talk daily. Their initial meeting was more like he was meeting an old girlfriend than a sperm donor/daughter meeting. They were in each other's arms for about 15 minutes. He has never, never held me like that. That's not the way he responds to his grandkids either. He's not really that affectionate to them.
She has already lied to him. He doesn't seem to care. She has known his name most of her life but just didn't contact him until now. If she was fat, a single mother with two kids she was dragging along, I wouldn't be here. She's just the opposite. She's successful and he is doting in her success.
She has told me she only wants a relationship with him. She hasn't reached out to her half-brother at all. In fact, the first visit, I kept saying he lives five minutes from our house and he isn't working. It fell on deaf ears.
Yes, the first visit, I was prepared to reach out. She never addressed me one time that day. I fixed lunch and she had her husband take hundreds of photos of her and her dad.
Everything has been happening fast since her initial call. He talks with her almost ever day but it is in another rooma and I'm not privy to conversations.
Since the beginning, he has acted the proud papa. When he tells others, his proudness comes through. There’s pep in his step. I feel some justification in my feelings knowing that others have noticed it. I am not as insane as I thought.
Much of the stuff I learned, at first, was from hearing him tell others on the phone.
I am 64 and have no children. He has a son that has lived with us on and off our 47 years of marriage. His son has been in and out of trouble but I've always stood by him in everything.
I do not have it all together. I hurt. I feel pain so deep that I just don’t want to feel it anymore. Whether it is justified or not, to me is irrelevant at this point. I just want to make the pain go away.
He seems to be enjoying being at the center of attention. He tells me nothing in our lives will change but it already has.
Sorry for the extremely long post. Just needing someone to talk to.
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Thank you so much. I am
Thank you so much. I am reaching for any type of understanding at this point.
It seems strange to me at
It seems strange to me at this point that she could even hug him or call him dad. Maybe in time but not at this point. I don't think I could. What is funny, I'm in a similar situation. I knew who my biological dad is also but have never contacted him. Really no desire. It was an affair and my mother and dad just swept under the rug. However, when my dad would get drunk he would remind me from an early age. I wouldn't have hurt any of them by acting on it. My sperm donor dad died without ever knowing. His wife or children will never know. Didn't see the need. I had my family. So, I do have some understanding of her position. I was ready for our family to have a relationship with her. Just not ready for this type.
Yuck! Now I've heard
Yuck! Now I've heard everything. I hope that is extremely rare. I get the honeymoon phase thing, but GSA sounds like a whole nother level and then some.
I do know that Oprah Winfrey stopped doing family reunions, because she said that ultimately it seemed like both parties wound up being disappointed. On the air, it looks so wonderful--hug, hug, kiss, kiss. But, my understanding is that yes, after the honeymoon phase, reality sets in and you realize that maybe you do not have so much in common, or in some cases, a monetary request comes along and messes things up further, feelings of abandonment start to return, and so on.
At some point, I would speak to my DH and say, "If she is going to be that big of a part of your life, then the rest of the family needs to be included too." If she wants to just hang out with him, that is no different than any other SK wanting to put a big X over dad's spouse. (Also, does anyone know for sure that he is pops, as in a genetic test, and not just BM insisting he has to be the dad because he is the only man she ever slept with!?)
Thank you for sharing this
Thank you for sharing this with me. I wonder what I would put in to find your research. I have tried but can't seem to find that particular link. I believe you have hit the nail on the head. I just don't know how to handle. I have told them how difficult it is for me and it has fallen on deaf ears. I did that before the initial meeting thinking they would be mindful and we could get off on the right foot. He talks with her behind closed doors. She seems to call everytime I'm gone. He even lies about her calling. I also know he calls her. Several times at night, he has talked in his sleep and said her name. I just hope the cooling off period is soon. I don't want to live like this.
She has sent me private messages on facebook. At first, I thought she was going to be cool and include me. I sent her family photos through private message and really tried to be a part until I got a message from her that she prefers only corresponding with "her dad." Sometimes, she tells him to (tell me) to look on her facebook page to show him photos or emails them to me for him. He doesn't do Facebook or email.
Yes, I'm sure she does. He
Yes, I'm sure she does. He said it is me causing the wedge in our marriage. He says their relationship has nothing to do with our relationship. However, she is getting the best part. He is so attentative, witty and complimentary when he talks with her. They don't really talk about what I would see them talking about. I would see them talking about family etc. They talk more about what each is doing. At least that is what he is telling me. If I'm at home, he goes to another room to talk. Most of the time, the call just happens when I'm not home. He is retired and at (49) she is also. I still work. I will retire in June.
I could seek counseling but I am afraid that it would be moot for me and not him. He says this is my problem and I need to deal with it.
I did have a chance to talk to her husband alone when they visited. In fact, SD and my husband ignored us both that day. The first visit was from 10 am. until 6 p.m. in our house. They live in a neighboring state. Her husband is pretending to be okay with it but, as me, he doesn't understand her sudden need. Yet, he is trying to be supportive. They have been married 12 years. SD told my husband not to call her after 8 p.m. She said she goes to bed at 8 p.m. every night but I have a feeling that is when her husband gets home and she turns her attention that way then. Her husband told me he works from 8 a.m. until about 8 p.m. He is in medical profession.
I get most of my information
I get most of my information from her Facebook Page. Here is some of her posts regarding the issue.
What is it like to have a blank spot on your birth certificate where your father’s name should be? I grew up without my father….he never knew I existed. That blank spot has followed and haunted me for years. I have grieved for the man I never met. I have had an empty space inside of me for 49 years. I have prayed many times over the years about finding him and felt God gently urging me that this is the time. In January I finally decided to look for the man I have missed my whole life. I had a first middle and last name a nearly 50 yr old photo and a birth state. I decided to start with DNA testing through 23 and me. I received my results and it took me awhile to get up the courage to sign up for positive DNA family matches. It happened fast. I signed up and within minutes had a positive DNA match for an Uncle with the same last name and birth state as my father. He is my father’s brother. I contacted him and we spoke by phone the same day. He opened the door for me to speak to my father by phone within hours. I have so many emotions and am still processing the whirlwind of information. I am happy to say my biological father is very receptive to a relationship and we will be meeting soon.
Here’s another one of her posts: Since finding him last month through a 23 & Me DNA test I have been talking to him by phone. I had a bit of information but could not wait to meet face to face. I felt a connection just talking on the phone and could not wait to experience what would happen when the physical distance between us finally closed.
I stepped out of the car and he was waiting in the driveway arms open. I stepped right into those open arms and instantly felt the hole inside of me start filling up. The meeting was almost 50 years in coming but I was finally in my dads arms.
The door has been opened for us to to have a wonderful relationship. I do know that with love comes pain; and with gain comes loss. I will face what could have been and am thankful for the opportunity I now have.
One of her friends commented on facebook: I'm sorry, growing up with you and even now, I never realized how incomplete you felt...I was always so envious of you and your family. I never knew. I hope your father completes you!!!! Do you have more siblings?
She responded: Not so much incomplete.....more like a missing piece or empty space. Always wondering.
This is a 49 year old woman?
This is a 49 year old woman? Lol what a drama queen. Looks like someone has been watching TV shows like "LOng Lost Family." Have you seen it? It's a reunion show where families separated by adoption are reunited.
For all she know her long lost daddy could have been a serial killer or at the very least not a very good person. In fairness maybe what she says is true and she has wanted to know her biological father all her life. That's not unique though. I had half siblings I knew about my whole life but they didn't know I existed. I fantasized about meeting them and how great it would be.... The grass is always greener.
Judging from her friends comment sounds like she had a nice family and possibly a step father that raised her and treated her like a daughter. I think she's phony and I bet her friends are thinking the same thing. Is it the same as having a bio parent? Well it all depends really. Who's to say old daddio would have even stepped up when she was conceived. He may have wanted nothing to do with her back then.
I don't think you are missing out on anything by this ladies refusal to acknowledge you as her father's wife . Maybe it's a blessing in return .
No, I haven't seen show.
No, I haven't seen show. Maybe I should. Thank you for your words.
I don't either. That is why I
I don't either. That is why I was kind of shocked. She posted his photo (her mother gave her many years ago) and name and all about the situation about five minutes after their first phone call. I thought that was very strange.
"Sailor" was a poster here
"Sailor" was a poster here who had a latent SD appear, years into their marriage. Her DH had other SD's from a previous marriage who got along well enough with her. The new SD was massively troublesome with some of that exact same desire to cut her BioDad away from his current family. Sailor's DH began to gaslight her and things deteriorated. Sailor was NOT crazy and she was NOT imagining disrespectful behavior.
Talk to a counselor, please. This must be horrible for you.
EDIT: Horrible for you because it is massively unsettling. In theory, I'm pleased that a mature adult finally identified her biodad. Tentatively on board with biodad meeting and establishing a relationship with new biodaughter. However, I dislike the sense that you are so negatively affected by DH acting like a besotted ass.
"Sailor" was also known as "SailorGirl" you might want to search for her posts from a year or two ago.
My first thought was wanting
My first thought was wanting more of the back story. Who is her mother? Where have they been the past 49 years? How does he know for sure that's she's his daughter? Why if she's known his name (& existence) so long is she contacting him now? I can understand your DH being thrilled & wanting to catch up on lost time (almost half a century!) but not to the exclusion of his wife of 47 years (also almost half a century!) I would think she'd want to know and be a part of all of her father's life, which includes you and her 1/2 brother. I definitely can understand why you're bothered by this stunning new development that's changed overnight everything you thought you knew about your husband and basically life as you know it. It sounds very much like she's got a "mini wife" syndrome going, but as a grown woman. I'd definitely get to counseling immediately at least for myself and hopefully, with your DH as well. I might have more to add after I hear the answers to the questions I posed above, all of which I'm very curious to hear.
Her mother is still alive and
Her mother is still alive and apparently didn't confirm (although her grandparents told her all along since she was young) his name and the state he lived in. He was in military when they met and had affair. The mother was married. SD has told my husband many versions of stories. She's been a victim in some. However, what she has told simply does not add up. In one story, she went through a bitter custody battle at 8. Her grandparents swept her away from the family and raised her. She was never in her mother's life again. Her grandparents disowned her mother. However that is not true. There are several family pictures with her in all of them with her grandparents, stepdad, mom and sister and other family members on her sister's facebook page (which I found) and they correspond. As well, her mother and sister both were complimenting her and posting on her facebook page about other things regularly until this all started. Then, it all stopped on her facebook page at least. They all live fairly close to each other. Like about 12 miles and have all this time. The second story was that she lived with her mother and stepdad until she was about 14. The numbers and stories do not add up regarding timelines et.
She took one of those DNA tests that led her to my husband through his brother. And, all the timelines work out. I believe she is his daughter. I have similar questions as you. He really doesn't care to hear any of the answers. He is satisfied with her stories. She supposedly is happy with all aspects of her life. She has a good husband (he was very nice to me when we met) and happy in her marriage. She lives in a $900,000 house. She goes on about four vacations a year. He has a good income but works some long hours. Her son is getting ready to graduate high school. I told him and her both before they met the first time that I was having issues with it. I asked them both to please be mindful of my feelings and assured them we could work through this if we all were mindful of each other's feelings. When she came to visit, I cooked, I made a family book for her. She never addressed me once in the meeting and ignored her husband as well. She told her husband to record the (big hug and reunion. By accident or on purpose, he put his finger on the wrong button. She puts everything on facebook. I think she is doing most of this for attention. She is getting a lot of attention from her friends as well as my husband. Thank you so much for letting me vent.
Does your DH have a
Does your DH have a substantial estate? Hate to by so cynical, but I stay on top of any changes to his will. I also agree with the DNA test idea.
We are middle class people.
We are middle class people. Retired military and a second career. I am still working. Getting ready to retire in June. We have enough for our retirement but not near as well off as she appears to be as long as her husband is working. This is her second marriage and he is showering her with lots of material things. However, he may be working too much to give her as much attention as she needs. She also claims she sold a company in January and is retired. However, she also says that she is substitute teaching a couple of days a week because God told her to work with young people and that she has so much to offer them.
She is also a health nut. I mean works out twice a day. Calls herself fat at 122 pounds. Gets $600 facials. Weekly pedicures and manicures. Drives a new Lexus. Husband has a hummer. I only mention this to explain that I don't think it is about money. Really, we do not fit in with her lifestyle.
On the other hand, this week, she told my husband that she was out cleaning out her gutters, doing her lawn work, cleaning her pool etc. He told her "that's my gal." I question that she is doing it. Think she is just saying it to get his approval. She knows that he isn't generally as impressed with women who do this.
I may be wrong but I wonder if my husband would be giving her the attention that he is if she was fat and dragging two kids with her.
Not only have I read the
Not only have I read the stories on genetic sexual attraction, it has happened to my sister (although, it was a one way attraction).
The son that she gave up for adoption has known that she is his bio-mother since he was a teenager. He is now a man and has said very inappropriate sexual things about her and to her. He does have an attraction to her, which my sister finds very unsettling. She was letting him and his wife stay with her but had to kick them out because of it. He has said things right in front of his wife and my sister's boyfriend.
It's weird, people can know that they are biologically related but in some cases, it just doesn't matter. It's like the DNA aspect doesn't seem real to them because they didn't grow up with them in that dynamic.
Is your husband positive that she is his daughter?
Yes, he is. She was linked to
Yes, he is. She was linked to his brother (as an uncle) through one of those DNA things that everyone is doing. I think 24 and me or something.
His brother saw the paperwork
His brother saw the paperwork and that is how she got in touch with my husband. I think that part is legitimate. He was in military and had the affair. Then, he shipped out to another base in another state and didn't hear from her again. Or, that's how the story goes.
I agree. She is after something. My husband says a relationship with him. To me, she had to think that she might hurt some or several people by making this move. Also, to me, it was a total disrespect for her mother.
He should absolutely get his
He should absolutely get his own paternity test done.
In a sick way, this is what I
In a sick way, this is what I believe also.
I believe her just due to her
I believe her just due to her facebook friends, posts, photos and such. She posts everything online about vacations etc. I think someone would call her out on such. And, she takes lots of photos of everything. For instance, she orders a lot of stuff online. She took photos of how she puts out cokes and candy bars for the UPS guy when she's expecting him. And, she took photos to confirm that she did it. I think that is great and really a kind gesture. But, I think she posted online to get others to tell her how wonderful it was that she does it. Why tell everyone you did something good? Many similar things like this. I think she needs attention.
Hurtingbad my heart breaks
Hurtingbad my heart breaks for you when I read your story and it really struck a nerve for me. I wish I could give you a big hug and take you for coffee or something so you don't feel so alone. I have a little insight into what you are feeling.
Approximately 15 years ago my husband got a letter from a woman who said she had a son and he was the father. It would have been right before he married his ex. that he would have hooked up with her.
It came so out of the blue and I remember feeling disturbed as well. My DH, who has a great memory, didn't remember this woman at all. Very strange we thought. She said she didn't have any way to reach him and didn't know his last name but I don't believe that one bit.
She tracked him down through some out of town mutual friends that my DH had reconnected with right before we got the letter. He looked them up while traveling for business.
They said not one peep to him about the young man but obviously contacted her to let her know where he was . There was no internet when the kid was born but once there was she could have easily found him. NO one else has his last name except for a few other family members.
Being too trusting and foolish I guess, we bought into it and soon after had the guy fly out to meet us. We wanted to do the right thing without really knowing what the right thing was. Both my husband and I are a bit dysfunctional regarding family matters.
We had a little guest home on our property that we put him up in. He was around 22-23 at the time. We welcomed him with open arms.
We had two young daughters of our own at the time and looking back I cringe to think we allowed a stranger access to our lives so easily. I can't believe we did it. Luckily he wasn't a molester, but he did have a drug problem and was troubled. That's why his mother decided to find my DH I think. A little late don't ya think?
Also I'm assuming the mutual friend told her my husband had a excellent job, was successful, lived on a mini ranch with horses etc
At the time she would have hooked up with my DH, he was about 20, and a heavy drinker. Not exactly a model citizen at the time, and it wouldn't surprise me if her parents told her they'd help her raise the boy if she had nothing to do with my DH. I'm assuming all that though. She claims he was the only one who could be the father but who really knows.
To this day we never had a paternity test done. At the time my DH saw a lawyer and he advised him not to take the test until the boy was a certain age. Something about them suing us for back child support. I'm not sure how that was possible since he was a adult already but apparently it happens.
Long, long, story but we no longer have anything to do with him. He did some things that turned my husband off completely and embarrassed him as well. The young man contacted members of my DH's family, even moved in with them for awhile. They also accepted him with open arms and felt he was my husbands son. It didn't end well there either.
There was some resemblance but not a lot. They both have a cleft in their chins, their feet and knees looked similiar, and he did have the same unique laugh that my husbands side of the family had. Oddly enough I thought he resembled my older daughter but she takes after me so go figure!
Now about your situation. I think yours is worse right off the bat because it's a daughter rather than a son. I absolutely understand why you would be jealous. I also agree with what you said about her being successful makes her more appealing to your DH. My DH who only has daughters and would have loved to have had a son, was not impressed with this boy...I actually liked him more than my husband did. He was nice enough to my DD's and I, and my younger DD really liked him. Maybe if he wasn't such a heavy drug user things might have been different.
Incidentally my Stepdaughter wanted nothing to do with this guy. She didn't want to meet him, she cared less about him being her half brother. She seemed annoyed about the whole thing really. We tried to get her to meet him and she refused. That was smart of her I see now.
It really bothers me on your behalf the way your DH is treating you. He should be going out of his way to make sure his wife, his life partner, is comfortable and secure during this transition.
I have to wonder how your relationship was with him before this all started? Is his behavior typical of him or is it totally out of character? It makes me sad to think of how unloving he is treating you.
From what you said it seems you have gone through a lot with your SS, and have been supportive of him over the years. I would think your husband would show you some gratitude for your loyalty and sacrifices you have already made for HIS son.
I'm really sorry you are feeling like a outsider. That's so wrong and so unnecessary. It's wrong that she is shunning you this way. What's worse is your husband is allowing this. You and your husband are suppose to be a team. She's not a child, she should know better and treat you with respect. Even if she doesn't want to interact with you much, she at least could be civil and fake it. That's what adults do.
She is lacking in character I would say, regardless of her success.
I'm going to make a prediction here and say that this whole thing will fizzle out as fast as it started once the novelty wears off. For her anyway. Right now she's soaking up all the attention she's getting from social media. What a gem she is. NOT!!!!
Your husband is from a different generation and probably doesn't get the whole social media thing. He doesn't realize he's being used while she gets her rocks off being the center of attention. Big whoopee do for her, she just reunited with her long last daddy. What a drama queen! Gag me! I guess I'm a little cynical as you can tell.
Be assured that you deserve better than what you are getting. I hope you have someone in real life who can support you through this. Counseling would be wise as long as you don't get some quack who will romanticize the daddy/daughter relationship and make you feel wrong for what you are feeling. Because you are not wrong, at least not in my humble opinion. It's not like you were against this lady meeting your husband. You even tried to make her feel welcome. Don't do that anymore by the way. Do nothing for her. You have permission to not cater to someone who treats you like dirt in their shoe.
I know this was long but as you can probably tell your story brought up some feelings in me .
Please take care of you...I hope you can find some peace and resolution sooner then later.
Thank you so much. Just
Thank you so much. Just validating I'm not crazy helps. He can't see why I'm jealous. For God's sake, she is his daughter. I'm acting like he's a pervert.
As far as our relationship, we have been through a lot. I was only 17 when we married. He was 23 and I was his second wife. He had two tours in Vietnam. We were a part a lot. Lots of years of ups and downs due to his son including some prison time for his son. Two years ago, his son got clean and sober and life was really good for us as I was preparing for retirement.
Oh honey you are NOT
Oh honey you are NOT crazy!!
After all these years you have already weathered many storms with your DH.
You've been married to him since you were 17? Wow that's a long time. I think it's safe to say he's committed to you. Sometimes people need a ego boost and they lose their way and act stupid. Maybe it won't be long until he realizes that his emotions are on overdrive and he that doesn't have a history with this woman.
Who even know if they really have anything in common that's real and substantial enough to build on.
DH's interest in his new found biological daughter maybe be intense now but what goes up must come down. I can't see this going much farther just judging from what you've said about her. If she's truly as much of a attention seeker as she appears than chances are it won't be long until she loses interest in your DH and moves along.
If not at least maybe their relationship could include you more so you won't feel threatened. Their both being kind of childish now ignoring their spouses.
I doubt he's interested in her romantically. She's not another woman in THAT sense of the word but it's still a invasion in your marriage. No you are not crazy! I don't think you'd even be here talking about this if they had gone about their relationship differently.
As of now she's a total stranger who is taking up YOUR husbands time and energy. You're watching him act like a enamored schoolboy with this younger, woman who has plenty of time to beautify herself now that she's "retired."
Well you will be retiring soon yourself and soon you'll be home full time as well.
Hang in there and in the meantime try not to let this devastate you any more than it already has. (((Hugs)))
Yes. Ditto on all of that. I
Yes. Ditto on all of that. I believe you are correct. I hope the new wears off sooner than later.
It is really hard to protect
It is really hard to protect when the dad is all in and thinks I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. He says all is innocent and coincidences. Even the two of them on initial meeting not only sharing 15 minute hug but also setting on couch side by side, holding hands, while her husband and I sat on love seat and watched them.
To me a normal thing would have been her to normally hug my husband. But, when she came in the house, she would have never sat on couch with him. Instead, she would have sat as close to her husband as possible. My husband, who always sits in his recliner, and forbids anyone else from setting in it, left it empty that day to sit with her on couch. He also waited on her hand and foot. If her water got half empty, he was getting her more water and ice. He is the one that generally likes for others to wait on him. He never once asked her husband if he wanted anything. OF course, I did. She had to even set by my husband at the dinner table instead of her husband. She didn't offer to help wash dishes, put away food or take the opportunity to address me in the kitchen while I was preparing it. In fact, she never addressed me one time the whole day.
Twice during the visit, I mentioned that her step brother lived five miles away and was off work. It all fell on deaf ears. Neither husband or her said anything. Yet, he took her to a museum for a half hour where he introduced her to some of the people as his daughter. He volunteers there. I fear his son was hurt also very bad when he learned he was not invited to the first meeting. Son isn't saying anything about it but I'm sure he has hurt feelings.
Today, he said to me, I don't
Today, he said to me, I don't know when I will "get to go" up to visit her because you are acting like you are. You know I won't go without you. I told him, you can go anytime. I don't have to go and I've not been invited. He said she's invited me and that means you too.
I just want to thank you all
I just want to thank you all so much for allowing me to post on here and be a part. Those responding have helped me more than you know. I really didn't have anyone to turn to in this. I have no living parents or siblings and didn't want to burden friends by constantly talking about it which is all I wanted to do when I talked with them. This site is so important. I'm so glad I found it.
She has already been caught
She has already been caught in non-truths. One, her son was in a bad car wreck. In intensive care for six months. She stayed with around the clock during that time. However, she forgot, she posted a photo where he was skiing six months later in another country. Also, conflicting stories about who raised her. As well been other discrepancies in her stories. But, DH thinks all must be some misunderstandings.
Now, he is saying the
Now, he is saying the relationship is not that important to him. Loudly and with anger in his voice, he announced that he will cut all ties and never talk to her again. Of course, that is not true. He has already. I know that for sure. Nearly pushed me out door one night and he called while I was gone. I still hear him mumble her name in his sleep. Also, the other night after a blow up, he called me a stupid bitch. Of course, he said he was asleep and he must have been thinking he was talking to someone else but he called my name.
He said he realizes that not all of her stories are true. When they first talked, it was said we would take everything slow. Within two weeks, she was here for a visit. He said he did think that she moved a little fast on that visit and possibly manipulated the time-frame but that she was just eager to meet him. Her saying that she was coming through our area (8 hours from her house to visit some distant relatives of her husband (so she could go to church with them) was just a coincidence and the timing was right.
He even talked a little about some of the other untruths and said he isn't sure she is always truthful. But, he concludes, she is just wanting a relationship with me. Her and her mother are on the outs right now, he said.
In a tone, he says to me, "you know I love you. But, this is my daughter."
I am very confused on what to do and how to try to resolve anything at this point.
I do have many questions but I dare not ask. If the relationship is not that important to him then, "why do you want to go see her?" Why do you set with baited breath waiting for her phone call? If she doesn't call, you call? Why if it is not that important, are you willing to risk our relationship to build that one?
It is not that I want him to not talk to her. Well, to be honest, that would be my wish but I know that it is not feasible. He has her in his heart, I guess. At this point, I just don't know what I want. What he wants. What she wants.
I have done search. I think
I have done search. I think most of what she says about herself is true. She just embellishes on lots of things. There are many inconsistencies.
My questions for H. Knowing
My questions for H. Knowing what he knows for sure, that she is only interested in interacting with him, not really concerned about her half-sibling, what does he think about that? Knowing there are already lies being told and manipulation, how does he feel in his heart about her? Why is he excited about the phone calls and why does he want to go visit? Why does he want to build an emotional bond?
Feeling defeated. Yesterday,
Feeling defeated. Yesterday, we actually talked civil. He agreed there had been lies and manipulation already two months into the relationship. We talked about the things she has told him degrading her mother. And, a possible reason that she is just now contacting him after knowing his information since she was a teen and definitely since 2005. He agreed that he would not encourage an emotional bond. Also, that he would not lie. He would talk to her if she called but that he would not call her. We had barely finished talking when she called. He pretended he couldn't answer the phone. I told him, call her back. I'm never home when the calls come in. He said he wasn't in the mood to talk with her today. Of course, my red flags went up. He knew I would be leaving soon for a night meeting. While I was gone, he called her back. When I got home, he said he talked with her that she had called again. I checked the phone and it was him that called. I called him on the lie. Anyway, one thing led to another. He called me lots of names and said lots of hurtful things. He said he shouldn't be put in the middle of making us both happy. He said I'm going to call "my daughter" and tell her I can't talk to her again because "his wife" won't let him.
Another sleepless night. He said I am acting so stupid. And that I need to "figure something out." I asked what he was referring to and he wouldn't elaborate. He threatened to leave but he didn't. I don't know what my next move should be. Or, his for that matter. Think I will just tell him---no more stupid moves from me. And, that everything he said is right and I'm wrong. If the roles were reversed, if I just saw him going through something like this and realize the hurt it is causing, I couldn't stand it. I would stop whatever I was doing to cause it. He is able to sleep through it all.
How do I dis-engage? You are
How do I dis-engage? You are right. I am killing myself. I have had a lot of adversity in my life including not knowing my biological father but never anything like this.
Thank you. I am going to take
Thank you. I am going to take your advice. It is just hard to disengage your heart. But, I think I have no other option. I thought about just working my marriage like a job and paying myself well.
Can you tell me about how you started, first step.
Thank you so much. I have
Thank you so much. I have decided to move forward with the disengaging. I also have stepson but he was there when we married. Maybe that is what makes this worse. We dealt with him all these years(in and out of trouble since the age of about 12 and now in his 50s) with my husband turning a lot of attention his way. But, I understood that. Just a couple of years ago, he got his life together and I thought now it is time for us. Both of us have always also had high stress jobs. I will be retiring this year. Now having second thoughts. I have started the disengaging. I would love any suggestions on it. My head is disengaging but my heart is having lots of trouble.
Anyway, he told me last night to never mention it again. So, that is an incentive. He said that is the only way we are going to "live happily ever after."
Thank you. Needing all the
Thank you. Needing all the help I can get.
His latest is that he has
His latest is that he has told me to never bring the subject up again. I told him that I wouldn't and that I was tired of acting stupid. Not his meaning. No talking or anything. He is planning our vacation like there is nothing going on. He has told me he loves me.
No, a big blow up between me
No, a big blow up between me and him again. Not between them two. He said she is not going away.
Thank you so much. I need any
Thank you so much. I need any and all advice. We are all on here for similar reasons. This morning, I am strong. Last night, weak. You guys are about all I have right now to lean on. I don't know what is in my future but please stay with me and keep posting your thoughts regarding my matter. He is now saying the only thing I will have is cutting her off completely.
Thank you. He is trying to
Thank you. He is trying to guilt me, I think, into letting him have his cake and eat it too. I told him that I wasn't against him talking to her occasionally on the phone just not every week or twice a week or four times a week. This was in the first part of this. I asked him to not lie to me and to not encourage her. Both went by the wayside. He pretends he is not encouraging her. How, he said, am I doing that. I told him sitting by the phone. Grabbing it if it rings. Going to another room and shutting door to talk. Pretending he can't answer phone if I'm there. Calling her back minute I walk out door. Checking who has called if he leaves out anxiously waiting for her. Being giddy on the phone. Having me check her facebook page a couple of times a day. That is to name a few.
I am just tired of hurting so
I am just tired of hurting so bad and don't want to hurt anyone else. I'm 64 years old. He's 71. She's 49. All adults. I don't need this. It is seriously affecting my health. I have to make some tough choices.
I had opportunity to talk
I had opportunity to talk with one of DD relatives regarding my feelings and that relative shamed me for my feelings. Told me I should support him no matter and honor the bond they are trying to make. It's the Christian thing to do. She wants to meet the SD and welcome her in with open arms. Even talking about visiting her. Wants to see her great house. Maybe I am the awful person. But, my heart is still hurt and now feeling even worse. On top of that, I'm sure the talk will get back to DD and there will be more anger.
This blog may have saved my
This blog may have saved my life. Thank you two so much for helping me along. Feeling no self worth right now. Tired just tired.
No doubt I am depressed.
No doubt I am depressed. Thank you.
The latest is that we are
The latest is that we are just not talking about her or anything regarding this. Our last conversation, I told him that I am sorry but I'm not up to even trying to mend fences or building any bridges with her at my age. His relationship with her is his relationship. I have my own childhood baggage to deal with. My childhood wasn't rosy either but not blaming anyone. But, I also told him that she has said she has been in therapy all her life over this. She has reportedly no relationship with her mother. She hasn't spoken to her sister she was raised with in two years. She isn't happy that her mother inherited house from her grandparents (who she said raised her from age 16 or
based on story at the time. Two months into this, calling him daddy. No nervousness. Moving very fast. Untruths and manipulating going on. On the other hand, she says she is very happy now. Good husband. Wonderful son. At the most, I told him that if he forges forward and builds an emotional bond (based on what he knows) not on what he doesn't know, his next 10 or 12 years of life are going to center around her baggage. Life is short. My attention during that time will be focused on making me happy. I'm strong today. I know I will have tough decisions to make. No false hopes but making a break through. No tears this morning.
Another day in the books.
Another day in the books. Still strong. Focusing on my looks a lot these days. Really not for him. Hell, who am I kidding. But, looking better wil help me to build some self-esteem. Even old women need self esteem. He has quit hurriedly answering the phone everytime it rings. He has quit answering the phone if it is my brother (only close living relative) I have left. They were close before this. I'm not even talking with my brother about this but he probably figures I am. He hasn't called or talked to his son (my stepson) in more than 20 days. He lives five miles from us. I have. I talk to them about every day. His son has reached out to her again. Don't know if it will be better or worse if she allows his son to board the train. Wondering? I figure worse for awhile.
We had vacation planned
We had vacation planned before this happened. He is still planning on it. Acting like nothing is wrong between us. Hope she doesn't have our cellphone numbers. I wonder if it would help to keep him ocuppied for a month doing fun things and not being caught up in her. Would it help to clear the cobwebs out of our brains. Don't know. Lots of questions? Will he call her while we are vacation. Will she call him? Don't want to have any melt downs away from home.
How should I act? I am
How should I act? I am fighting feelings. Just not saying anything and he's not saying anything. She called this evening and they talked about 45 minutes. I just went outside with dog. It is so hard to act and pretend for me. He is acting like she didn't even call. Getting ready for vacation and he is acting like everything is just fine between us. I guess I am also.
Now, though, I just can't
Now, though, I just can't seem to talk to him. He wants to make small talk and I can't do it. I am just being quiet. He hasn't said anything other than small talk. Do I just not talk or try to talk small talk with him. When you are angry, it is hard to do. He is one man here and another on the phone with her.
We had another big blow up
We had another big blow up last night. After he got off the phone with her, first he asked me wasn't I going to grill him for what they said. Then, he talked to his brother for about an hour. I decided to go to bed at about 9:30. I got up at about 11 and went to couch. My arm was hurting and I coudn't sleep. He got up and threw a fit. Said he is sick of me. He said I am acting childish and called me lots of bad words. Also, said he thinks I staged taking a bunch of pills (I took some sleeping pills a couple of months ago one night) in an attempt to get attention. I didn't. At the time, I just wanted to sleep. He threatened to move out again.
dang - I missed your original
dang - I missed your original post beach bumming...
sending you a internet hug ...
next time he asks you if you are going to grill him about his phone convo, smile and say NO not my business and then ignore him, disengage from this adult woman child.... let him cater for her....
simply disengage, and go on with your life, you have to make yourself happy, and seeing he is so sick off you - maybe you should disengage from him as well, when he has these little temper tantrum, ignore him and walk away..
tell him straight out - he's not so special that you would over dose on pills for him...
come on lady you are strong, you have it in you, pick yourself off from the floor and live... even if it's without him...
Thank you. I am stronger
Thank you. I am stronger today only because of this site. Before, I was a happy person most of the time. Now, I don't laugh. I can understand how no one wants to be around me. I am not the same person I was two months ago. I had planned our retirement and it this wasn't in it. We worked many years to get where we will be in about a week. I worked this extra year to get some things done like new kitchen etc. I'm not even excited about it now. I just don't know how to get past this hurt. I know I have to but not sure how. It's not even about her in particular. It's how they handled the whole situation and continue to handle.
I have read all about the
I have read all about the disengaging on here but can't seem to make it fit my scenario. I can pretend that every thing is okay and that it doesn't bother me when she calls and he goes to the other room to talk but it does. I can pretend that he isn't trying his best to bond emotionally with her. But he is and that also bothers me. Is pretending the key to disengaging?
Quite honestly fake it until
Quite honestly fake it until you make it.
at first you pretend, just to
at first you pretend, just to get you through the next 3 months.... then it's over and you will feel nothing.
and well you know he would like to bond with her, you know she's not really interested, so simply ignore his attempts, if he talks to her, find something to keep busy and to make you happy, if he talks about her... pretend to listen... smile nod, say mmm, ahhh but do not listen and do not take it in...
The key is to keep busy and find things to do, things you like but never had time for.... something you can focus on, photography lessons, painting, quilting, knitting...... anything that you will enjoy in your own little world, where neither of them is allowed...
first start with adult coloring books, it's calming and allot of fun, and cheap....
you only engage with your husband if he talks about you, mutual interests, if he says nothing about the snowflake...
as soon as he brings her up - you disengage
there's nothing wrong if you go out to dinner with friends, to the movies....
you do not have to put your life on hold until your husband bonded with this adult child or until he realize it will never happen, simply go on with your life,
it sounds like living a double life.... maybe it is, but it's the only thing that gets me through it lol... and our special snow flake is a teen, not even an adult..... in in SO's life since birth.. as soon as my SO starts about his wonderful snowflake, my ears shut, I smile nod and think of what color next to use.....
if SO wants to hang with his daughter on a Saturday, I smile and say good, then I keep busy with my own things, I know Aergia will spend about 20min with her Dad and then be off... not my problem, SO can call me 100x, I ignore, hell he said he's spending the day with her... leave me alone dammit, I made my own plans and seeing your plans did not work out - don't think I'm dumping my plans... our situation was so bad 4 years ago, I moved out of the house and live in my own house... but SO is getting it.... Aergia will call and say she wants to hang over the weekend he will simply tell her , sorry we have plans..... cause he knows 10minutes with her simply for her to get money and alone for the rest of the day, or the whole day with me having fun spending nothing
Thanks for all your words.
Thanks for all your words. Now, I know I'm on the right path. Pretending. The problem is, he sits by the phone now. We don't go anywhere together since this happened. Thankful I still work. But, planning on retiring this month. Wish I wasn't now in a way. This past weekend was our 47th wedding anniversary. He didn't remember. He still wouldn't but a friend sent me a card.
I got a card for him and a nice watch but didn't give it to him until he acknowledged knowing it was our anniversary about three days later. He told me I can buy myself something when we go on vacation.
let him sit at the phone and
let him sit at the phone and wait his whole life... does not mean you have to Hon
regarding the retirement, can't you pull it back and maybe work for a couple off more months? flexi hours on an hourly rate?
oh and that vacation... 2 options, either you go alone with a very good friend cause he sits with his phone... o you take him with and forget to pack his phone charger
This is worth taking under
This is worth taking under consideration. I think she is lying about being estranged from her mother and sister. I saw them in one of her recent photos taken last weekend. Showed to DH and he just shrugged it off. So many lies and he shrugs the all off. They live several hours away and no way to get in touch with BM. I think you are on the right track though. Think she has been mad at her BM regarding an inheritance. I would like to talk with them. I tried the messaging her. She told me at one point, she has been in therapy all of her life over this and that she still goes monthly.
No, already given notice and
No, already given notice and position is filled. I fully intend to leave phone charger and the vacation may last a month. But, then I will have to come home. This is not likely to end soon. Dreading Father's Day. Her first and you know she will make a big deal. I wish I could be like his son. His son said it is no big deal to him. Just some strange woman saying she's dad's daughter. But, I don't believe him. Think he is hurt also by way it is being handled. She is yet to reach out to him although he has tried to reach out to her. She just wants to correspond with DH
Fathers day will then be
Fathers day will then be during your holiday....... if you are away there's nothing she can do...
be clever and have fathers day at home if you are not on holiday yet and tell him to invite her, you invite any other children... she will not attend, almost guaranteed lol
hahaha I saw that
hahaha I saw that lol....
seems like the longer in step hell the more we think alike
Today, he is acting like
Today, he is acting like nothing happened last night. Is it me or does he have dementia? How can you just act that way after calling a person names and saying you are sick of them. He even asked me if I was "still mad at him." Don't know how to answer that. I really am not mad just hurt so bad I can't even be mad. Don't understand what is happening or how to deal with it.
She is suppose to be
She is suppose to be estranged from her mother but her mother wrote on her facebook today regarding a new photo of her she posted "I love you both so much. This photo is a treasure." Does that sound estranged?
Not one mention of the blow
Not one mention of the blow up other night. Vacation planning just like nothing going on. It is the weirdest situation ever. I almost think I should kill him with kindness. I really don't think he is a bit sorry or touched by what he has done. Think he thinks he did nothing.
Thank you for staying with me
Thank you for staying with me in this. I really have no family but one brother. I have a few close friends but they get tired of hearing and think I should get over it and move on. They have no insight into such situations.
I wish I could do this but at
I wish I could do this but at this point, not up to it. I really am not good at hiding my feelings. I can refrain from talking about it. I am getting pretty good at the disengaging. I can tell him that I have always turned to him, for the wisdom, to solve our problems in our married life and ask him how we are going to solve this. But, that is about it. Can't be that sweet to her right now.
Still not one word out of his
Still not one word out of his mouth about last week's blow up. He's forgotten it. How do DH's forget what mean things they say and do and expect you to do the same. He wants me to be affectionate with him. I'm trying but it is not in my heart. I have decided that I will be ready when she calls this week and leave for an hour walk. That's about how long they talk. When I come back, if he goes off on me, I have to be ready for a comment. I want to say, "well, I did something for myself while you talked to your woman friend." Don't know. Know that would just start an argument. But, that is what I'm thinking. He says they just talk about her things. Nothing about family. Said last week she told him about what she had done to her feet. Pedicure etc. What man finds that interesting? Also, he's in constant defense about anything that has to do with her even if it is a long shot. For instance, I said something negative about a school, that he used to hate. I wasn't even drawing a parallel until he said "you don't know anything about that school." Now, because she likes the school, he has changed his mind. What's that about?
How can DH think everything
How can DH think everything is over regarding how I feel because he said so? If I can't talking about what is bothering me with him, it's not over. The last thing he said is she's here to stay so you might as well accept it. Well, it seems to be over in his mind. He is still just carrying on like the past two months don't exist while it is all that I think about.
Well, today is her day to
Well, today is her day to call. He asked me if there is a support group to help him. I said I don't know. He said what do you think one would tell me.
I can't find one. Our
I can't find one. Our situation is just so unique. I am so glad you guys have helped me even though my situation has been different on this matter. I am not going to tell him what I think. I stopped myself at you need to ask yourself one question, "what do you want" and be honest with yourself. I got burned by sharing my opinion with him before.
I was ready for her to call
I was ready for her to call the past two evenings. Left my walking clothes on. Had cellphone ready to grab. She hasn't called either. Wondering if he has called her.
Not sure what him asking about a support group means. I told him that we might need more than a support group. He said he doesn't think so. Yes, my old self wants to ask lots of questions but my new self says not your circus, not your monkies. I did suggest we go see his brother who seems to be his new found support system but he said no. I suspect she will call before weekend is over. I am so dreading Father's Day. I know she will try something and it will be big. Her first Father's Day with DD. Seriously, wanting to be out of town for it.
When she is around, she calls
When she is around, she calls the shots. So, I just don't need her around. She manipulated the first visit. Then, acted like she was his girlfriend the whole time here. I don't want her for father's day at my house. Just not that strong yet.
She still hasn't called. He
She still hasn't called. He looks at caller ID to make sure he hasn't missed her. It is kind of funny. Kind of sad. I am around a lot now. Just about at retirement--end of month. Working mostly out of house. Don't think he has called. I am waiting on the bomb to fall because things have quietened down some. I'm sure she will call in next couple of days. He's still looking at her facebook page. Said she fell trying to do a back flip after running three miles. That crazy 17 year old gymnist in the 50 year old woman.
Thank you. It is so good to
Thank you. It is so good to know you guys are here. You don't realize it but this site has saved me. I was mentally trapped. Feeling like I was crazy until I found this. I am so thankful to you all. I already volunteer so I don't have a problem there. I am stronger every day. I think I am going to survive. Going to be a long road but I believe I will survive with the help of everyone on here.
Yes, I am stronger but that
Yes, I am stronger but that can change at any minute. A call from her can turn the whole thing upside down. His attitude tends to go cocky when they talk. I think she is an ego boost for him. Oh, and she has also retired at age 49. She says her company was so successful. Why would she? Also, she took another part-time job at minium wage because "God told her to" afterwards. Why not hire someone to run your successful company? Can't figure out a lot of things.
I am getting blamed because
I am getting blamed because she hasn't called. What the heck? On one hand, he pretends he doesn't want her to call but on the other, he said she probably knows I don't want her to call.
New development. Found out
New development. Found out new woman (SD) has been married four times. Hum? Did not find out from her. A little detective work.
12 years
12 years
That's what I thought also.
That's what I thought also. He, of course, doesn't know. Not sure I should tell him. Not sure it would make a difference. She keeps spurting biblical things to him. He thinks she is Mrs. Christian who would never deceive. Of course, there are lies, evidence of more lies but he believes the lies. But, think there has to be some inkling down deep that maybe she isn't what she pretends to be. Again, I say if she was poor, driving a clunker and dragging two kids behind her, he couldn't run fast enough. I think it is the factor, since he believes she needs nothing, she must be just wanting a relationship with him.
Back from vacation. No
Back from vacation. No mention of her on vacation. She left message on phone Father's Day. One holiday out of the way. To me, he's acting like nothing has ever happened. Can't let it go though in my mind. Know she will rear her ugly head soon. She thinks we are still gone.
She claims to be such a
She claims to be such a Christian. I know I should not judge but I am getting such mixed messages. And, at this point, I am guarded on everything. Spurts Biblical quotes. Now, I shouldn't be casting stones but she has all kinds of photos of her posted in bikinis. Very proud of her boobs. Not like most Christian conservatives. Wouldn't think much about it except Biblical verses are attached to most. For instance, her friend died. Male. She had to post photo of him in pool by himself but not before she posted one of her (where her boobs were foremost) and him. Strange.