From the day SD and I met (2007), it has been a rocky road, for the most part. She made some nasty comments in front of DH's brother and sister-in-law when she saw I was engaged to her father (2008); she asked DH to drive to two different places to pick up appliances for her and then decided it was more important to see a friend than to be there when he delivered them to her, and then she argued with him about having to pay him back for them (2010); I invited DH's children over for his surprise 60th birthday party and I caught her running out of our shower and had to tell her that the master suite is off limits to her (2011); she stood both of us up when we had planned to meet at a park to have some conversation to work on relationships (2012); she and my DH have tried counseling but it did no good because the counselor did not allow DH to have a say and allowed her to have outbursts (2014); this year she has suddenly tried to get in DH's good graces with one-on-one meetings with him, now that she is engaged to be married.

DH and SD have not had a good relationship ever since DH's ex left, and SD made it difficult for DH to visit, and when I came into the picture, SD suddenly wanted DH back in her life again. SD may be angry that I have certain ways of handling things and that I'll say so when I see boundaries being crossed or when I see my DH being treated poorly by SD. SD has told DH in the past that when she visits him in our home, I should just sit back and hang out and not participate in the conversation. SD most likely blames me for not getting a loan for her house from DH (SD has proven that she does not pay back loans, and DH doesn't believe in providing loans for a house because he believes people should buy a house only when they can afford to buy one).

SD seems to have a genuine sense of entitlement. Nobody can set any boundaries with her. She has probably had her way through much of her life. I think she is projecting her anger about the divorce on me. She is manipulative and dysfunctional. She needs to work on her own issues. I have told my DH that it is important for us to figure out how to stay on the same page, or this could affect our marriage.

Of course, she has refused to communicate with me for two or three years. Now that she's engaged, and she has finally asked DH for a wedding contribution (after abusing him verbally for so long), I feel horrible knowing that if we contribute financially, I would be contributing to a wedding of a SD who hates me and doesn't respect me. DH has asked her to initiate communication with me before he can tell her what we would contribute to her wedding, since the money would be coming from both of us. She told DH that she would, but with no timeline associated with it. After a few emails and texts, many nasty comments from SD, and more silent treatment from SD, DH reached out to SD one more time, reminding her that she needed to begin working on a relationship with me. She called him, and she said nasty things, and he hung up and didn't answer the phone the next two times she called because he didn't want to hear any more of her ranting. She finally called me, making it clear to me that she wasn't trying to work on our relationship because she still needs to work on her relationship with DH. She told me I was being a roadblock to her relationship with her father (actually, I told her, I have encouraged DH to meet with her one-on-one, and I am the one who convinced him to join her in counseling, though that didn't help). She begged me to tell DH that she wanted a relationship with him, and asked me to tell him not to force her to have a relationship with me, and she cried and screamed. When I told her that I think DH wanted her to try to work on our relationship because any contributions would be coming from both of us, and he didn't feel right about this when she has nothing but hatred for me, she became all upset, told me she didn't want our (or my?) money, and hung up on me. I reported back to DH, and DH emailed SD to tell her how proud he was that she called me because he knew it was difficult; he didn't say anything about the fact that she didn't do what he had asked her to do. She shot back with another email, telling him that he couldn't force her to have a relationship with me, she was 30, and a relationship would happen organically, or not at all.

It is important to my DH to have a relationship with SD. In the past DH has set some conditions, but when SD refuses to abide by those conditions, DH has backed off a bit for fear of losing her. This only shows SD that she just has to stick it out for a while and dig in her heels, and DH will come around. I think my DH could be in denial, and that he may be enabling her poor behavior, and that SD is playing on DH's guilt. DH has tried to stand by me, but the thought of not being at SD's wedding sometimes seems to be too much for him.

I feel it is time to let go, let SD figure it out, and stop enabling her. Her characteristics of being self-centered and manipulative, quick to blame others for her problems, with no sense of responsibility, feeling victimized, and coming round only when she wants something are typical signs of narcissistic personality disorder, and possibly some borderline personality disorder mixed in for good measure.

The latest is that she asked DH who he would like to invite to the wedding, but she won't tell him when or where it will be. DH told SD that it would be nice if his 8 siblings and their spouses could come, as well as my BS and his wife and my BD and her SO. SD told him she and her fiance don't have enough money to invite 60 people on his side, and he told her it was only 22 people, as he didn't care whether she invited the cousins. After another week, she told him she wanted to invite them all, and asked again if he could contribute financially so that she could pull it off. And that is where we are right now. I think DH is ready to just give her the amount he and I agreed to and be done with it. If she doesn't come through in time, so be it, he says. I, on the other hand, have a difficult time rewarding this behavior.

I would appreciate any advice from those of you who have dealt with a similar situation. I've had enough.