Nothing serious, just dont worry about it, back off, you dont need to get in there...
Yet again I hear this in the am before work.
Todays situation. SD17, who will be 18 in a few weeks and hopefully graduate high school soon after that, cannot seem to get to school on time, when she is at her mothers house. What is the excuse THIS time? Her alarm was broken. I swear this girl lies so much, its almost not even worth asking for an excuse. Last time it was a forgotten wallet. Then before that it was her menstrual cycle. Before that...well you get the picture.
So I randomly asked this morning over coffee in bed, "do too many tardies prevent you from graduating?" and I get the reply "Just don't worry about it".
A few months ago, I decided to try to disengage, so really I was just making conversation. No REAL concern. His kid, his problem, right?
SO doesn't get the disengaging thing, not really, although I have tried to describe and relay the information, he still tries to engage me. The other night over a peaceful dinner, I mentioned that SD17 is really just a "housemate", not anything more, and as a housemate, I like to keep everything separate. He comes back with a lovely rejoinder and a glare, "shes my DAUGHTER, not just a housemate." I tell him, "Yes I get that she is always going to be your flesh and blood and family, but she has lost me, and shows no remorse for her actions, makes no apologies, therefore, ergo, she is a housemate, not family, nothing more, just someone I am forced to live with against my wishes."
SO, he simply cannot decide if he wants me in, or out, of his life with Winona SD17.
last night, when everyone came inside and I was puttering around the yard, I said "hello" to Winona Brattylumkins, and she just ignored me. I have a right to expect acknowledgement in my home. Right? Well I knew some argument or another had taken place, so I had to ask the question "what now", so I could be ready for the toxic. So told me "oh Winona and I got into a shouting match, again, when I went to pick her up. She was late to school again. Her mother thinks I was being too mean to her, too hard on her."
My reply was that, BM should understand that she needs to parent in a united fashion with SO, not sabotage him. BM being "the nice guy", being buddy buddy - look at what that accomplished: SD17 still calls her mother "the idiot" (she is but still!), SD17 steals, lies, and is very rude and mean as well as disrespectful. No remorse.
So, in or out, I am still not as disengaged as I should be, however I feel like it is a losing proposition, and that as partners I should be allowed to question and know what the hay is going on. You cant have both at the same time!
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If I said hi to a teen ager
If I said hi to a teen ager visiting my home and got ignored I would continue to say hello over and over again, getting louder with each repeat of the word.
I would also let my SO know that something had to wrong with his kids hearing and that testing her asap is a must. If a teen kids wants to act stupid, then I will be reduced to the village idiot screaming hello in my front yard just to prove my point.
Yes, I am feeling that! I
Yes, I am feeling that! I will mention the "hard of hearing" assumption next time, because in my world, this just doesn't happen! An almost-adult acting like a petulant CHILD. I refer to her as "Girl-child", because she certainly doesn't seem to be growing up too soon! SO just said, "oh she is Girl-Child for 1 more year only". Color me confused at that comment!
"So, in or out, I am still
"So, in or out, I am still not as disengaged as I should be, however I feel like it is a losing proposition, and that as partners I should be allowed to question and know what the hay is going on. You cant have both at the same time!"
Soley responding to the above, to my way of thinking, disengaged means not sharing any thoughts, any random conversation even tangentially related to the object of your disengagement should be had with friends rather than DH, and that you don't waste your time with, 'Hello.'
But, I totally get the wish to be kept reasonably informed. I think that's where boundaries come in, and possibly trust. You draw your line about what you expect to be consulted about and what you expect to be informed of, and then you leave it to DH to ensure that it happens. If not, then you have a DH problem. And that would need to be dealt with swiftly and firmly. But dealing with it should be easy, because if you are totally hands/words/thoughts-off his dismal child, 99.9% of your conversations with DH will be lovey-dovey, rather than anyone shooting snark or bad vibes.
Yes, it has been a process.
Yes, it has been a process. Some days I am good at it, some days, not so good.
I like to keep up with things, especially the graduation part, because essentially she wants to live with us full-time, after she ages out of CA schedule. Although SO tells me she will remain on the 50% to keep himself sane. I have yet to see how this works out. I don't want some non-graduated loafer lounging on the couch, eating my food, so yes, I want to know if she graduates or not! Hello!
And yes, Moe, since I started the back-off process, things have been way more cuddly with SO. WE used to argue a LOT.
So true.
So true.
Great question Clever. I am
Great question Clever. I am cogitating on that as we speak, which is why I wrote today. I appreciate the feedback and commentary more than you can know, and really take everything to heart. Hence the moniker.
The way I figure this will play out is SD17 will squeak by, as someone already suggested, and obtain her graduation present (the car), and still be the jerk she always is. It remains to be seen if her attitude/demeanor will improve. I am working on formulating my exit plan if push comes to shove. She has already decided to blame me for all her life's problems, SO and I have already had too many arguments to count, I have grieved and cried and wasted too much time.
SO is a fabulous boyfriend, aside from his eldest daughter, ergo, I will want to be with him, just not live with HER. At all.
Hence, the exit from the house strategy. He will not have to choose between us, I refuse to be the source of victimhood.
Morri - nail on head hit! I
Morri - nail on head hit! I am attempting to figure this complex machine out and how it can work peacefully, and it simply is confounding me on so many levels. That's why I consider myself the "step aside". Here for the basics, but when stuff gets real, I am required to "step aside" every time. Its frustrating to say the least.
At every opportunity, I mention this, and it causes absolute tension every time. I am getting PT"SD" when she visits for her 5 days, and I am required to bite my tongue when she is rude to SO or SD10. Or when she becomes demanding and loud. The resentment is building in such a way that I am actually considering my escape route. Considering living separately and going back to dating SO. Its not a partnership when I have no say on what happens in my household.
Winona SD17 wants to live
Winona SD17 wants to live with us full-time after graduation. SO is thinking she will stay on 50% schedule so we can stay sane. This girl doesn't even know I have disengaged, she just thinks that I don't like her. LOL. So she can blame me for her life's problems. Well, not anymore, I am happy to say that since my disengagement process, I am not in her life/business at all so not going to get any blame any more.
I try to listen, without comment or judgement (so hard!), and make tsk tsk noises and change subject. Sometimes I wallow in it, however.
Yes, when SDs are with us, I go to gym and work out. I am looking at using the punching bag, there, and have priced out some boxing gloves too! SD17 joked that I should put a photo of her face on a punching bag, my reply was "I have more important people that I need to visualize on my punching bag".
haha. Sorry Brattylumpkins, you are not on my radar anymore. Mostly.
This is what I used to try to
This is what I used to try to explain to DH when he'd tell me to butt out when I'd mention SD's failing grades, etc. Um it IS my business if she doesn't graduate and is still living here when she is in her 20's because she failed to launch... so yes, I WILL say something about it!
Daizy - my thoughts exactly.
Daizy - my thoughts exactly. I do not want to have SD17 in my home any more than necessary. Im not allowed to discuss it unless SO wants to, or it becomes an argument. My point to him has always been that SD17 does these things, and there is no repercussions given. EVER. She just sails along like everything is hunky dory, and when she wants to be rude, shes rude, no repercussions. When she wants to be disrespectful, she is, and no repercussions. I told SO that he is not doing daughter dearest any favors at all.
Downsouth, yes - she does
Downsouth, yes - she does desire to move in with us full-time after graduation, but SO is thinking that she will stay at 50% because she would always just be there - she has no job, no license, no friends to hang with, no boyfriend (or girlfriend). Nothing. Having her THERE ALL THE TIME. Ick. Shes such a pig, too. Home, lounging, making messes, means no playtime for SO and I, ever.
ANd YES, her not graduating, means he spends over 100$ on something that wont be used (cap and gown), her having to take coursework, thusly preventing her from getting a job, and all the rest of it. I cannot help support someone that is such an apathetic creature.
WELL that's good news. Her
WELL that's good news. Her high school isn't known to be the best anyways. But there could always be that one exception!
Downsouth, SO isn't much into
Downsouth, SO isn't much into discussions. Ive tried that route and he heaves a big sigh, and then gets irritated. Ergo, we wait until things actually happen before we have any sort of plan in place.
We still have SD10 for a few more years, so no empty nest for a while.
I definitely enjoy and look forward to the days when kids are not there. I pointed out to him, if SD17 thinks that she will live with us full time, what then? No playtime for us! He thinks that he will keep her visits at 5 days on, then she stays with mommy. I think she will fight that tooth and nail, using her go-to phrase "I'm your daughter, don't you want me?" etc...
Then if she's there full-time, we see what happens when we ask her to help out more and then, see if she can get/hold a job, and then...I have exit strategy planned. He has already told me "my daughter will always be welcome in my home, no matter what she does or how she treats people."
Not exactly what I wanted to hear!!!!
Yes, compared to her mother's
Yes, compared to her mother's house, ours is a paradise. We have a 3 bedroom house with 2 living rooms and a backyard/frontyard, compared to BM's tiny 2 bedroom apartment.
It is easy breezy because no one asks her to do anything to help cook or clean, not even to pull weeds or feed the dog. I am so torn, Clever, between being COMPLETELY absent and ignoring her, and being a complete demanding b!tch that drives her out with my incessant demands for her to help out.
What to do, who to be? Its easiest for me to simply remove myself. I avoid confrontation like the plague and then get so resentful that it comes pouring out like a lava flow, leaving destruction in its wake.
Sometimes it's hard not to be
Sometimes it's hard not to be wishy washy on the disengagement. I disengaged from my SD.. it was the only way I was going to survive her living with us.. I had to channel my inner Elsa and "let it go" But there where times that I would feel bad and I would do something stupid like say "hi" and get no response, and then I'd remember why I was disengaged.
DH was so ridiculous about it one time he got pissy with me when I questioned why her phone bill was $700.00... he literally all in the same sentence said "Just mind your own business, I've got it taken care of, why can't you just act like a mother to her??" I laughed in his face. I told him you can't have it both ways. I WAS acting like a "mother" when I questioned why her phone bill would be $700.00! You don't think I'd question my son about that????? and she's not going to come with $700.00, so guess what it IS my business!
Then I just got it again today. DH mentioned that he wished I would have gotten along with SS better, so that SS would tell BM to fuck off and move in with us. WTF??? How is SS devotion to BM remotely MY fault??? It's HER fault for allowing him to do as he pleases and NEVER have an consequences! So freaking annoying.
He can be a piece of work,
He can be a piece of work, that's for sure. Don't get me wrong, I DO take some blame.. I'm sure the fact that I threw a hissy fit when SS (who was 14 at the time) smoked dope in our house, while DH and I were out having lunch for my birthday, and I told DH I didn't want him back in my house as I could lose my job, might have something to do with SS not chomping at the bit to leave BM and move in with us. And the fact that I made it known what bullshit it was that DH had to spend 4 hours one morning when SS was 13 driving around a city he was unfamiliar with, trying to track down SS who apparently snuck out of BMs and went to some drinking party with his 20 year old brother and was not answering his phone and nobody knew where he was might factor in to why SS isn't knocking on the door to live with us.
But the MAIN reason is again, that BM allows him to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants to do it. So why would he want to live with us.. the people who have rules and structure???
Daizy - isn't that called
Daizy - isn't that called "gaslighting", trying to turn tables when put on the spot about that $700 cell bill? That's what SO does when I question him about SD17, and her utter disregard for anyone, and utter lack of respect, and point out that there are no repercussions given for anything she does wrong. He will then go on offense and say something like "your parents didn't do any better". Or "you don't have kids, Id like to see what you would do with kids of your own." Like not having my own children, I cannot possibly have a valid opinion about anything...
That's rich, your DH blaming you for SS not living with you... like somehow its YOUR Fault. Another gaslight, methinks.
AHA. But isn't manipulation a
AHA. But isn't manipulation a form of creating alternate realities? Splitting hairs I know.
Thanks for clarifications.
After DH moved out the skids
After DH moved out the skids were late 38 out of 45 school days!
He used to wake them up just before he left for work, so they could catch the bus. BM slept till noon.
He got a heads up from his friend who was a teacher at the school that if it continued they would be cut from their sports teams and social services would be called. BM had been called, the skids had been warned, the school was at the end of their rope. Until this friend called DH had no idea.
BM said it wasn't her fault, that the skids were tired and wouldn't learn anything when they were tired anyway.
DH sat them down and said look BM isn't going to get up to wake you up, you are old enough to set an alarm and get yourselves to school. They were 16 and 13. He asked them what they wanted to do in life and did they think there were any jobs that started at noon? He told them that even BM was eventually going to have to find a job because she couldn't live off CS forever. The biggest thing was that they'd be kicked off their sports teams and wouldn't get any scholarships. DH was honest and told them he wasn't supporting them for the rest of their lives.
DH was very proud of them for getting it together and making it to school on time.
I think it was the threat of not being able to play sports that got to them!
Notsobad - SD17 had the nerve
Notsobad - SD17 had the nerve to yell at SO, and ask "well what do you want me to do?" I had to laugh at that one. His reply was "get the hell up when your mother does (crack o dawn 5 am) and DONT GO BACK TO SLEEP!"
Poor little Brattylumkins has a problem getting up in the morning. Im like, "heck yeah, what job is going to let you come in at whatever time you can get up?"
And this girl thinks she is going to college.
My DSO calls it preaching if
My DSO calls it preaching if I offer an opinion, and usually my opinion is when he is complaining bc he has to make 4 trips to town. He allows SD to dictate when she needs picked up at friends or BMs house is usually the problem.
Maybe she wants to live with you bc BM said you are out of here when you graduate and I lose CS.
DSO has said many times that he is just waiting to get SD (SS17 is a lost cause) grown up so he and I can have our lives back. I wouldn't have stuck it out for 7 years of full time if he hadn't said that many, many times and he means it as well.
One thing I do....when I want to say something about skids and it violates my 90% disengagement, I pinch myself as that is less painful than being told I'm preaching.
I did throw it back to DSO recently. He was telling me how to do something and I said to 'Stop preaching at me'. He didn't like it lol.
yes, my SO does not like it
yes, my SO does not like it when I give my opinions on SD17, because I have no kids of my own. When SD17 wants a ride somewhere, he is her shuttlebus. I even call him that!!!
I like that solution, bear, will have to use that one.
CLove, if I were you I would
CLove, if I were you I would just ignore SD. Totally ignore her. So she thinks that you hate her. Pretty close to the mark in reality but what she thinks or does is irrelevant in your life.
DH/SO ... well time to let him know that you want your life back in June. No one is going to be left at home lying around. He cannot take the entire summer off and neither can you. At some stage we all need to grow up and become fully functioning members of society. So come June no one in your home who is out of school will be staying home all day while you are out working. He will retort "What if I let them?" And this is your kicker moment ... "I said MY home. Which could well be somewhere else and not here."
You do not mention his lazy-arse daughter. You do not mention her at all. And I am learning through this site that many bio-parents use the step parent as the buffer between themselves and the children. See, you are saying all the things he thinks in the dead of night. So this gives him the 'out' to be the 'good cop' to your 'bad cop'. Removing yourself from the picture will leave him gobsmacked at how much you did and how lazy and pointless his daughter really is. Of course you can have DH/SO over for sleepovers and SD too if she is a nice girl. But this will be your sanctuary. Actually, just consider it an overgrown She Shed. YOUR place. YOUR zone.
In the meantime lock up your good stuff.
One: "So she thinks that you
One: "So she thinks that you hate her. Pretty close to the mark in reality but what she thinks or does is irrelevant in your life."
- I hate to say this, but I despise her for what she has done in the past. Cannot stand to hear her voice, and when she is singing it is like nails on the chalk board.
Great advice - I am creating my sacred space with SO - and she is not really included in any of it. You are right - SO definitely is at his wits end with her - he is a hardworking man, who likes things neat and clean, and she is a lazy pig. No ambition. He had his license at 16, and has worked at something all his life. She watches gma for money, but always has her hand out and couldn't hold down her one and only job for even a few weeks.
YES. I will be strong in this, and have exit strategy in mind...
From an expert of
From an expert of disengagement....
if you enter the house and only SD is there, don't bother greeting, she's going to ignore you... why hurt yourself or loose your temper over something that you know will happen... simply avoid it.
DH telling you something about BM and SD... smile nod and say mmmm - Oh honey I forgot to tell you but XYZ....make it a 3 minute rant of something stupid, men for get after 1 minute about what they said and after 2 minutes they don't listen anymore....
You in the kitchen and SD walks in - ignore ignore ignore... pretend you did not hear her or see her, she's going to leave quietly again
All you do is build SO up - tell him his daughter is graduating soon, she's a big girl now and an adult, you can't wait to help her decorating her own little flat/room or what ever... yeah yea I know never gonna happen but he will think you are into her
Yes indeed, men are easily
Yes indeed, men are easily distracted, well enough!
Ignoring her gives fuel to her victim-hood, so I am cordial when it suits me. I let her hold bunny when I'm cleaning the cage, etc.
I made mention of "who is going to watch gma now, since Winona will be working full time this summer." Crickets chirping in confusion. Then silence. LOL!!!