Not sure if this is clinical depression or just an extremely large bump in the road...
Do you ever feel so stuck in a rut that you literally can barely function and plaster on a smile through another work day?
It has been non stop snowing, I have a car that is hanging by a thread and I know I don't have the money to fix it I get slapped with a large repair bill, I owe the IRS from the last 2 years when I was on Obama Care and did not get a tax return (I had to pay back) so I will not have a tax return again this year.
DH obviously doesn't have much of a return, BM claims the kids. He is still going through physical therapy, worker's comp is the slowest most depressing process I have ever witnessed. The attorney is never in the office and when he is, he is vague and it is always a waiting game or wait until some ever elusive court date. His income is barely covering his share of the bills.
We financed a couch a year ago, then he got hurt and was out of work so he it wasn't paid off during the interest free period which just ended. I wanted to sell it and just pay off as much as I can but low and behold, yesterday my dog ate half the damn couch while the skids were sitting RIGHT THERE and me and DH were laying down in the bedroom watching a show. Apparently no one noticed him eating the couch until it was too late. Wasn't even the dog's fault, the snow has him bored and restless just like the rest of us.
All the money stress keeps me tightly wound and I never feel like sharing any sort of intimacy. I am on lexapro and I don't think it helps in that department either. I am shut down and distant and have been for months. I even notice I tend to pull alway when he kisses me, even though that is what I want in the moment.
I have applied to so many jobs I could win a record and the only time I hear back is to be declined.
I think back to when we were happy and would laugh and do fun things together and couldn't get enough of each other. I can't understand how now I feel like we are a 75 year old unhappy couple. I can't help but feel that the indifference we feel toward one another is permanent and there is no getting that spark back.
The skids just left after 4.5 days and that is the only positive thing I see today. I am so sad all the time.
Thanks for listening.
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Hugs and hang in there:)).
Hugs and hang in there:)). Life was never meant to be easy. In this life you will have trouble and there is no avoiding it. Do u have a therapist? If the depression continues long term you may want to consult your doctor
Thank you. I did have a
Thank you. I did have a therapist, haven't been going because of the $30 co pays.
It's tough, but it might be
It's tough, but it might be worth it to do some introspection about this.
Look at the things that you are struggling with - $$ - and see if you are able, or willing, to change your circumstances so that you have fewer expenses. In my case, the first time I purchased new furniture was when I was 41. And I've moved across continents and oceans, but never felt like I could 'afford' new furniture. I have friends who never take real vacations, but they go to a lot of concerts and eat out a lot because that's what they love the most.
Everything has an opportunity cost. If you spend money here, you don't have it for there. Same with time, with energy, etc etc. So when money is tight (or, in my case, energy), it's important to separate the wheat from the chaff. Look at all the things you want, and be ruthless in determining which are needs. It's not easy, we swallow a lot of expecations that others put on us and then, suddenly, we NEED things we don't even care about.
It's very confronting to look at your life and realize that you've accumulated a lot of excess baggage. But think of it as a turning point, and from now on, you'll be more you... exactly the you you're supposed to be. And that you is content.
I should also say, Yes. I
I should also say, Yes. I know what you are going through - not the specifics of course, but I know what it's like to feel like those negative emotions are in the driver's seat, and I'm being dragged along behind like a tin can on a string. It's bad.
What I tell my daughter, and try to remember in those moments myself, is that feelings are like the wind. They can come on strong and powerful, or creep up gently and peacefully. They stay for a while, swirling through and around, and then they go. Nothing to be afraid of, if you look around, everything is just as it was. But we can breathe like the wind, in and out, in and out, and regain our own calm. It's not comfortable, nobody likes it, but it's ok.
Thank you. I really want to
Thank you. I really want to acknowledge my emotions rather than letting them consume me. It seems I am always wrapped up in the sadness and anger.
Sorry things are so difficult
Sorry things are so difficult right now. Money might not make you happy but it certainly can stave off some Unhappiness.
I can comiserate on the financial stress front. I also take on the lion share of the worrying about finance stuff in my household. My DH says it will "all work out" and it usually does, but I'm the one who looks forward and wonders where the money will come from sometimes.
One thing you need to do is make your DH take on his share of the burdens. Does he know how to work on cars? Does he have a buddy that does? He needs to be driving the issues with worker's comp lawyer etc...
Give yourself a break though.. most of these issues weren't brought into the home by you.. so you can't solve them all by yourself!
I am the worrier and he is
I am the worrier and he is definitely the "it will all work out" guy. It is tearing out relationship apart. He wants me to calm down and I want him to "care more."
He can probably help in some way with the car. He does what he can but with him being on comp it feels like I am doing and worrying about a hell of a lot more.
I would be direct with him.
I would be direct with him. Honey, I know you can't help that you aren't working right now... and I know you think I worry too much, but I need you to be more of a partner in this with me. It would help an awful lot if you could try to take on some of the things so my load is a little lighter.
My car needs to be fixed. We don't have the money to fix it. I need for you to take care of it this week.
My DH will fix everything and everything we have. He will pitch in and make sure all chores are done.. dinner cooked.. whatever is necessary for my responsibilities to be as easy as possible
I have a problem with getting
I have a problem with getting snippy and demanding. I get exasperated and then come off as a nag and it perpetuates a cycle of terrible communication.
I know it sounds extremely ridiculous but I really do struggle with communicating kindly and calmly. I grew up in a home where my parents were always at war with one another and it sickens me that I seem to have adopted that mindset.
Well, you can have the
Well, you can have the conversation that I had with my EX.
Honey, I don't know what to do. I am frustrated because I seem to be doing all the heavy lifting. I try not to nag, but I can't believe you don't see that I need help. I hate the fact that I am resenting that you put everything on my shoulders. It is changing the way I feel about you. I can't do everything. You need to either be a partner to me in this relationship or I don't see things lasting between us.
Ultimately, he couldn't not let me shoulder load after load. He constantly would lose his job. Saddled us with his excon brother against my wishes. Insist we have champagne taste items... but couldn't stay financially well enough to help pay for them. Expected me to be responsible for everything from housework, cooking, shopping, cleaning to even the lawn care. I told him I had too much on my plate.. but he would literally ask me where his socks were every morning. I didn't need a grown child!
My message to him was very
My message to him was very clear. I wasn't going to continue to nag and complain. If he wanted me to respect him as my partner in life, he needed to step it up. NOW.
TBH, he did try for a while, but ultimately ended up cheating which he surely regretted when he realized what he had lost when he lost me. TO bad too sad sucker! lol.
Exactly, I don't need a grown
Exactly, I don't need a grown child.
On the one hand, he cleans daily and cares for the dogs, I do not have complaints regarding household chores because he does most of it (as he should IMO, since he isn't working, just phys therapy).
On the other hand, he sleeps a lot (like.. A LOT) and I feel if I had all of that free time I could be far more productive. It is extremely irritating seeing someone "need" to sleep in every day AND on the weekends - even when his children are there. It is not uncommon for him to sleep until noon. He claims he has trouble sleeping and cannot fall asleep until the early hours of the morning - I doubt this. He also tends to be in the bed by 8 PM. Or earlier. I have never seen a grown man who is out of work SO TIRED.
He sounds depressed too.
He sounds depressed too. Didn't he have a drug issue also?
Yeah he did and he takes
Yeah he did and he takes suboxone which adds to being tired and having no sex drive.
Any chance you could get him
Any chance you could get him to counseling?
He needs to understand how his lack of participation in the relationship is causing you to lose feelings for him.
How can you possibly want to be with someone who sleeps 15-20 hours a day?
I can try. I will look into
I can try. I will look into it. We went together for awhile and I didn't find it helpful..
Sometimes different methods
Sometimes different methods can help. I think part of the problem is that for counseling to work, people have to be willing to talk about and deal with the tough issues.
I see you struggling with the weight of the world on your shoulders. Your DH is an addict and that is a whole other layer of difficulties that YOU are shouldering. He is showing little motivation to improvement. He is doing the bare minimum and letting you do all the work.
He needs to understand that his lack of participation in the relationship is taking a toll on the relationship and your feelings for him.
Resentment will kill a relationship and you have ample reason to resent him.
i totally understand. i've
i totally understand. i've been living the same life for two years. except we have the boys full time, there is no break/visitation.
workman's comp sucks big hairy donkey balls, as does the physical and financial pain.
I give you so much credit
I give you so much credit having the skids full time.
I have a Toyota Camry hybrid.
I have a Toyota Camry hybrid. It has a check hybrid system check vsc system lights on the dash. It dies constantly. It will restart though. I have been holding on to get my car fixed with my return. I took a pay cut for my "promotion". I get no overtime
Anymore. It will increase my salary by $10 an hour in three years. But I won't
Get the first raise until may 2018. I get it. I do. I have seasonal depression when it's dark outside all the time
Thanks, Granny. I know I am
Thanks, Granny.
I know I am not in a relationship that is easy, ideal or even functional half the time. Step kids, a history of addiction and him out of work right now - literally a trifecta of deal breakers for most sane people. Yet, I still have a little spark of hope that things can improve.
I am trying to let go of some control and stress for my own sake but "taking care of myself" never came easy. I was always my worst critic. That negative and anxious voice is always in my head.
Last night DH was in a depressed, silent mood and I chose to take my dog to the pet store and then have a friend over for wine, pizza and we watched a TV show. I had a nice night... instead of worrying about him and "us"... I just let go. It was what I needed.
Not sure why it is in my nature to press and cling when things are hard rather than giving myself space to breathe. I have a much better time communicating afterwards.
i'm so glad you did that for
i'm so glad you did that for yourself!
dh and i have been testy with eachother the last couple of days. i got home from work and could tell he was already in a mood, as he didnt say a single word to me. so i turned right back around and ran to the store. still didnt say a word when i got back for a good 30 minutes, so i didnt speak either.
last week he and i did the love languages survey, so i decided to speak his love language. he softened up really quickly and by the time he went to bed (around 9) he was all lovey and sweet.
not sure if you remember my background, but here's a summary. dh has been out on workman's comp for over two years. and 6 months before that he was in a car accident that kept him out of work for three months. we struggled for well over a year paying two mortgages before my small condo finally sold, so we are almost 30k in debt and living paycheck to paycheck (my mortgage was due on the 1st but hopefully i'll be able to pay the remainder this week, then we've got a 280 light bill and 600 c/crd to pay next week. yay.) aside from the injury that keeps him pretty well limited motion and in major pain 24/7, he's also developed stomach issues that no doctor has been able to figure out (*I* think it's stress-induced). there's issues between he and his mother. there's issues with kaos (yss13). there're MAJOR issues with the house and vehicles that have not been resolved due to lacking $. he's always had mental health needs and has been a medication guinea pig for doctors since he was a teen. his lack of mobility depresses the crap out of him and makes him feel week, helpless, and useless.
needless to say, our physical and emotional intimacy has suffered greatly. so i really totally understand how you're feeling. you and i both need reminders to just stop and focus on ourselves from time to time. i am thrilled that you did so last night!!!
I am sorry for your situation
I am sorry for your situation but it is also nice to know I am not alone. He has been on comp for less than a year but it feels like more and there is no concrete end in sight. He had surgery in October and is recovering fine, it is just now a waiting game. He definitely suffers from "ailments" which I attribute to depression from being bored and out of work. It is so hard to make due with the workers comp checks when $200 week goes straight to BM. It makes me so bitter and we have suffered so much. The therapist we were seeing said flat out that our relationship could not survive another year of him being out of work. It bothers me so much. I am of the mind set that he should forget the settlement and push to get back to work. He thinks I need to be patient so we receive a payout for lost wages, medical expenses and *hopefully* a chunk of money to pay off some debt. I don't like "banking on" some future settlement, it is not my "style."
janie - the therapist cant
janie - the therapist cant tell the future. you've got to try everything you can. hubby said something this past weekend that provoked deep reflection for me - he said "every single thing we talk about is negative." is that the case with you guys?
as far as a settlement goes - is your dh not giving physical therapy his all? my hubby has given it 110%. after his injury, they did 4m of p/t before surgery. then lots of p/t after surgery. no luck, his nerves were only firing on 15% so p/t was worthless. second surgery this past november. more p/t, tens machine at home, still no luck. now they're going to try to give him a series of injections. but my hubby WANTS to get better, he doesnt just want a payout. what's your dh's frame of mind on this?
and w/comp will draaaaag things out to avoid a settlement. like i said we've been dealing with this for 25 months and still no end in sight. the only way they'll settle is if your dh becomes permanently disabled. your husband needs to be aware, tho', that there are no lost wages or and certainly shouldnt be any medical expenses under w/comp.
The all we talk about is
The all we talk about is negative thing sounds like something my husband would say.
I didn't mean lost wages. DH feels like he needs to be patient because he cannot go back to the physical labor he was doing anymore. He is giving therapy his all. He could go back to work doing *something I am sure... but obviously a $12 hour job would leave us even worse off. I feel like he feels as though his hands are tied and he is being told by his lawyer to wait.