Such bullcrap!
Dh and i had a long talk this weekend. He isn't wanting her to move in and help her get on her feet. Oh no! He wants her to live with us and help her raise her baby while she is in school. I told him no way. She inherited $250,000 from life insurance when her mom died. She has money!! She can live on her own and support herself but dh wants her to live with us. I called sd to touch base and see where her head was at. She said she was planning on getting her own place near us but dh insisted she live with us. I talked to dh again and he shot me down refusing to talk about it other than saying she is moving in and he will help her. He said my kids live here so his is just as welcome. He doesn't care that mine are minors and broke while his is rich and an adult!
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I just need advice on how to
I just need advice on how to get him to see she needs to live in her own place and for her to tell her dad she wants to live on her own.
I am sure your husband will
I am sure your husband will not take your advice into consideration since you acted like such an ass when her mom died. He is correct in assuming you are biased against her.
There is no evidence that he will be pampering her. He seems like he wants to keep an eye on her and provide the support her mom cannot.
Your OP is dripping with jealousy over her money. You need to get a grip.
Read her first post here. She
Read her first post here. She is jealous of the girl.
People need help sometimes.
People need help sometimes. A parent wants to help his daughter who just lost her mother. It matters. It also matters that the OP was jealous that the dad helped the daughter plan and pay for the funeral bbq. It matters that the OP didn't want the daughter living there when she was still in high school.
Now, the dad should have a plan with the daughter about when she will leave and stick to it. But I don't blame the dad for not taking his wife's advice.
She mentioned the daughter's
She mentioned the daughter's money and how they have little. She was jealous the husband spent money on the bbq. Just because you don't like the word, it doesn't mean it is not appropriate at times. For fucks sake, step parenting natural can create a jealous environment for all involved. To deny it is tomhave ones head in the sand.
No one has mentioned other
No one has mentioned other step daughters. We are only talking about this one. She is a teenager who just lost her mom. She needs prenatal guidance. The step mom has made it clear she doesn't like the girl, so her opinion seems to be voided by the dad (it's a different debate if that is okay). You are projecting whatever issues you have onto this situation.
Do you have a source for the
Do you have a source for the 80 percent or are you just making up points to strengthen your argument? There's no evidence that this sd hates her sm. She talks to her on the phone and treated her well after the sm made an ass out of herself regarding her mom's funeral.
I had two teenage step daughters.
I was a stepmom for 15 years.
I was a stepmom for 15 years. I realized it made me an angry person and left. That survey also reported 70 percent of step kids were happy with the step situations.
A lot of SMS get a rotten
A lot of SMS get a rotten deal and treated poorly. I just feel this is not one of them.
Agree with all of you in this
Agree with all of you in this section.
For me the very biggest reason for saying no to any potential pg skid living in my house is now that I have learned what it is like being unable to parent a child in my own home, THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I'M GOING THROUGH IT AGAIN WITH EVEN LESS INFLUENCE.
If I had to watch my SD17 "parent" a little baby right under my nose I would go stark raving mad.
Having a little one be groomed to hate me in my own home? Primal scream NOOOOOOO.
Having evil SD morph into a GUBM in my own home? NOOOOOOOO.
Being unable to meet the needs of an infant who is being shoddily handled by teen GUBM because, once again "I'm not the mother," Noooooooo.
My brain would actually explode.
Not to mention all my advice in raising this girl was rejected, why should I suffer the consequences of the person she's become? That would be the official end of my toleration. I'd have to leave.
Never in my life was I anything less than acutely aware that my actions could result in the creation of a human being. There's no reason why any given 19 year old shouldn't have the same awareness. You play you pay. And good luck to you.
ETA: More comments were added while I was posting. I originally was referring to Clever, adviceonly, and Ladyface.
Your DH seems a bit too
Your DH seems a bit too anxious to call all the shots here. He's so gag-gag over the thought of his first grandchild that he's forgetting to realize all these decisions are his daughter's to make. This is also his daughter's child to raise.
Your DH is your problem and he is going to get worse the closer to birth the baby gets. SD will regret not standing up to Dad and taking control from the get go.
FWIW, be honest here about those 'minor' children of yours. If the one was 17 last March when you posted, he is NOT a minor a year later. However, whether or not you have a child and an adult living under the roof of your own, is not the issue. I would hope you have your adult son's launch plan in place and he's off to college this next fall...I hope he doesn't get some young lady pregnant. Anyway....
IMO, you'll get farther with trying to get through to your DH how his daughter needs to chance to do this her way. She wants her own place. She wants to get her degree. She has the means to do both and to raise her baby. Whether Baby Daddy is involved or not (you haven't really said), the man will still be responsible for child support, art of medical care/insurance and perhaps some daycare.
Your daughter will regret moving in with her father and letting Daddy control her life and attempt of take-over in raising her child.
I would love to hear from the
I would love to hear from the SM's on this board that would be OK with DH paying for his ex wife's funeral, then being expected to help raise unwed irresponsible SD's child while she is in school. Personally I can say there is no way in H3ll!
Yes most of us have different standards for our own children vs other peoples kids. If exH who I share several kids w/passed away there is no way I'd be shelling out $$$ for his services. He has parents and siblings that could plan and help with that. DH and I have the discussion that he will not be responsible for paying costs for BM if anything should happen to her. He's given her enough $$$ over the past 12 years.
My DD ran away when she was 17 and came home pregnant. The 18 yr old boy who impregnated her had no interest in being a parent, no job, still lived at home, and was abusive to DD which is why she came home. Her father (exH) and I discussed the issue then told her that we would support her in whatever decision she made and gave her ALL the options that we would support. We let her know that we both work, have other minor children to care for, and do not have the time or resources to raise her baby, she would have to apply for welfare and figure out childcare on her own. DD decided that she was not mature or stable enough to bring a child into this world and opted for an abortion. She went on to finish school and is working full time in her chosen profession.
Not all bio parents are into enabling their children's horrible decisions.
Agreed. Great post.
Agreed. Great post.
THIS. Don't bring a baby in
THIS.
Don't bring a baby in the world if you can't care for it. I would rather someone NOT bring a baby into the world than bring it into the world and expect others to raise it.
Plus the poor baby needs a mother, not a step-grandma and grandpa, to be there for it.
My SD's mom had her despite not being ready at all and since having her, she's barley been involved in her life. My poor SD is going to grow up with some serious abandonment issues and it's not fair to anyone.
Yep. DH and BM had NO
Yep. DH and BM had NO business whatsoever becoming parents. I ended up having to make sure SD was fed and clothed more times than I'm happy to admit and it sucked for me. My parents had to buy her a bed because neither of her parents could afford it. BM simply didn't care to try and DH couldn't for the life of him find a job that paid what he needed.
I feel bad that SD had to have such a crappy start to life.
Ugh it's the worst. I can't
Ugh it's the worst. I can't count the amount of times my 18 year old self (BM and DH are both 4-6 years older than me) would be buying pull-ups, food, toddler soap/shampoo because neither of them could. I felt so bad for my DH because BM refused to help and he couldn't make enough money at his minimum wage job. Finally I told him it's his problem. I'm tired of filling in because he thought it was a good idea to have a baby working a minimum wage job. He started working 2, at one point 3 jobs at a time with SD at a sitter almost around-the-clock to provide for her.
I'm so glad he's got a better job now and he's able to be more of a parent, but those times were hard on me, and I imagine they were very hard on my stepdaughter too. It wasn't fair at all. BM is so out of her mind when it comes to parenting that SD said the other day "mommy doesn't know how to be a mommy because no one taught her" and it made me tear up.
How is it not realistic? I
How is it not realistic? I was on my own at 16. By 18, I was making more money than a lot of middle-age parents and bought my own car, moved into my own house, etc.
19 is young, yeah, but obviously it wasn't young enough to have sex and get pregnant. Sure, parenting is hard, but it's not SO hard that you need another adult to help you out lol. I don't see how it's normal to get pregnant and pull someone who's already done 18+ years of parenting into the picture to parent your baby.
We as a society are having
We as a society are having children later than ever. Women were married, on average, at 20 years old in the 50s with children shortly before or after.
This is nothing new. Young adults have been having and taking care of babies for a long, long time lol. We are perfectly capable. In fact, it's nature - it's a natural skill we have.
And given to who?? I know dh
And given to who?? I know dh would be first in line screaming to take it. I'd rather she keep it.
He isn't interested in being
He isn't interested in being a daddy. He is pressuring her to abort which is part of the reason she is moving back.
My mother and stepdad refused
My mother and stepdad refused to let ANYONE with a baby move back in, and we were all my mom's biological children. My sister got pregnant at 19 and was told "you're on your own here so make good decisions"
Once you've started a family, you need to start acting like it. My parents are willing to help out, buy the occasional baby stuff, etc. but they don't intend on raising more babies that they didn't have.
I'm newly pregnant and it never even crossed my mind to ask my parents for help and i'm only 22. I actually put off having a baby for the past 2 years, despite the fact that i'm already raising SD, because I wanted to be in the best place possible.
I don't understand why it's so common these days for kids to move back in with their parents upon having babies. It simply doesn't make sense to me. I wouldn't let my stepdaughter OR any bio children I have move back in. If they get pregnant before they're ready, well, they better get ready fast cause they got 9 months lol
This is NO, no brainer---do
This is NO, no brainer---do not agree with this--YOU will be doing everything with NO appreciation by ANYBODY, including your husband.
NO, NO, NO.....
That was completely
That was completely unnecessary and if you do that again I will delete it again. I couldn't even step away for a meeting with out this turning into some lame ass debate!
She said she was planning on
She said she was planning on getting her own place near us
I don't see anything wrong with her getting her own place near you. Her dad will be close enough to lend his support and be Grandpa, and she can be independent. Living WITH you is not necessary.
I am with LadyFace, the kid
I am with LadyFace, the kid made the bed, screwed in it and now she needs to lie in it AT HER OWN HOUSE.
In my opinion it comes down
In my opinion it comes down to a personal choice: would you or would you not allow your own children to live with you when they have a baby?
If you wouldn't, than you don't need to let SD. If you would, than don't hold it against her.
But in this situation, the SD
But in this situation, the SD wants to get her own place, OP's husband is insisting his daughter move in with them, and is seemingly not taking no for an answer. He is not considering what his wife OR what his daughter wants. He's just making decisions for everybody!
If I were in the OP's shoes,
If I were in the OP's shoes, I'd have a big problem that my living arrangements were changing this drastically at the whim of my DH. One thing if SD was a minor and BM could no longer care for her, so she came to us - another if DH pursues custody or invites another adult to move in without making sure that I am not only aware and in agreement, but that he also has my full support.
It's just the only way to have a happy marriage and happy home.
If I didn't have that, I'd have to go through some serious anger, frustration and disappointment... and then through the Yellow Pages to find a moving company.
I cannot imagine one of the
I cannot imagine one of the SDs getting pregnant, then DH saying, "Oh, you can just live with us, we'll help!"
(SARCASM)
And then I find out after the conversation. Knowing who does the majority of work around the house, makes sure bills are paid (he has the $ but issues paying things on time) - if OP's husband already helps out 50/50 with housework, bills, responsibilities then maybe this could work. She needs to sit down with husband and talk out ALL the details; rent, responsibilities, who does what and when.
Myself, I have no kids, never wanted them and dammed if I would EVER live with a baby. Because guess who would become the default care-giver? (PS it's not DH). Nope. I'd move out.
Dh just called and asked me
Dh just called and asked me if the boys and I wanted to ride up with him this weekend and help move sd down. If not he and his friend will go. I told him that she doesn't want to move in and we should respect that. I told him I found an apartment near us so she could have her own space and he said no, she is moving in with us and that is final. We had an argument about why he gets to make the decisions and I should have an equal say and he said it is his house. I hung up. Yes, I moved into his old house with bm but I pay a portion of the bills. For him to throw that in my face that is isn't my house is incredibly mean and he will be hearing it tonight. I'm so tempted to go buy my own house but that would be crazy right? Buying a house just to prove a point is crazy. I really love the life I have with dh and my boys. I don't want sd there. Before when she lived with us I got through it because there was a count down. Now there isn't!! *SCREAMS*
She didn't even wants Hester
She didn't even wants Hester daughter to move in when the mom died so she could finish high school. What a peach.
I don't know if buying a
I don't know if buying a house over this is so crazy. I don't know that at all.
I very well might do it. Even though my dh would never throw such a thing in my face I've never felt like this is "my" house and I certainly have not been able to make any kind of rules for this house. So I do have a plan for us to buy one together when SD17 is gone and perhaps I will put only my name on it and pay for it all myself. Just so I can finally have some say like the homeowner I am. Very, very odd that someone's kids trump my status as a homeowner. It's like giving up adulthood and handing it over to children.
Taris, you made the same type
Taris, you made the same type of error your husband is making. You found an apartment. Stop that crap. You're both treating this woman like a helpless child.
I suggested this morning you 'work' with the SD in making Dad aware these aren't his decisions. But you took it a step farther and tried to make yet another decision for this woman.
Get the SD home. Like it or not, Dad has as much right to have his daughter in the house as you do your adult son. Getting her and her few college things home doesn't mean she'll be there forever. She can talk with her father more about what SHE WANTS and she has time now to look for a place for herself and to sort out her options.
I don't think she wants to live with you (or Dad) anymore than you want her to do so. Her father intends to smoother her and make all decisions for her. Most young ladies would want no part of that. But you're still making it all about you and how you don't want her there... help this young lady stand against her father by helping the daughter see and find her other options. Then help her present the daughter's choices to her father.
Her own place, a part time job , reenrolled in local school, use Dad's truck to go pick-up things she finds for her place (help her search after learning the type of things she wants to furnish her new home).
You can be her understanding Auntie helping her find her own way or you can be her b*tchy SM. It's your choice. The lady has already told you living with Dad is not what she wants. But she's just recently lost her mother very sudden and unexpectedly. She's afraid of standing up to her father and losing yet another parent. Let her know you support her decisions and that you will help her gain her strength and independence and ability to stand against her babying and smothering father. He's being over protective.
I am shaking mad right now. I
I am shaking mad right now. I can't believe he even had the gall to say that to me. For those who are calling me selfish, I will help sd. She doesn't have a mom so she is going to need help. I just don't want her living in my home. She has the money to have her own place that is close and her dad and I can and will help her. She even said she wanted a place of her own.
You often complain about
You often complain about bullies on here, yet here you are being rude.
We can deal with it. But we
We can deal with it. But we are not the ones whining about bullying.
You are mistaken. I am just
You are mistaken. I am just pointing out the irony. It is hysterical that you cannot see it. Hello pot.
Merryway is not Tommar and
Merryway is not Tommar and you said a shitty thing to her. The same thing you complain about so often. She gives good advice often.
When he leaves for college.
When he leaves for college. If he stays in school he is welcome back if he doesn't he is on his own.
I would have a gentle talk
I would have a gentle talk with her. Tell her she's going to be a mother now and what all other mothers know is that the baby needs HER to be in charge. She needs to start right now lovingly telling her dad she's a woman now and she will not be bullied into doing what grampa wants. He has to start thinking of himself as grampa to baby, less as dad to a grown woman who is starting a family of her own.
I had a similar talk with my nephew 2 years ago. He fell in love fast and wanted to get married right away in circumstances that his parents not crazy about. I told him that planning the wedding the way he and bride wanted and on their own timetable demonstrated they were ready for marriage because they were being captains of their own ship. (2 years later, everything is WONDERFUL for those 2!)
So I think you can be both a loving voice of encouragement and set your own household to rights at the same time. It sounds like the girl really wants to be on her own but in a vulnerable time may feel like she has to yield to daddy. Help give her the strength and the language to stand up for herself and the confidence to move forward. Give her that saying, "Begin as you mean to go on."
Having people hover over her second guessing her parenting shouldn't be desirable to her anyway. Couldn't hurt to paint a picture of how she will get to do things her own way in her own house.
Wouldn't any decent parent
Wouldn't any decent parent want to help their child become a self sufficient productive member of society?
The focus should be on helping the SD to become that young adult who can take care of herself and her child. Enabling her to remain a child herself is not a good thing.
Many of my friends had their first child at 19. As this was during the Viet Nam era their DHs were often thousands of miles away in a jungle with almost no communication. These women managed. Most often they were 100s of miles away from family.
Sure sometimes with help from parents - but always with the thought that this was a grown up adult who needed to be in charge of their life. A little support is totally different from swooping in to take care of a legal adult and parent as if they were a stranded helpless puppy on the side of the road.
Excellent points, notasm. In
Excellent points, notasm. In particular I think of a moment with my cousin who is exactly the same age as I am. We were all in college except she dropped out and married at 19. The next year she had a baby. We still had many friends in college, she being the only married one.
I remember one day all us girls went out shopping and having fun and my cousin tried on a dress. We all thought it looked fabulous on her and urged her to buy it. It was on super sale at $20. Come on, buy it, you look great!
She shut us all down: "That $20 could buy food for my baby."
We all zipped our lips after that. She made the right decision. She was no older than the girl being talked about in this post. She made her decisions at 19 and stood by them even though her entire crowd was on a different trajectory. There's no reason other 19 year olds can't do the same.
19 is not 13. This young woman needs to be encouraged to act like the adult she is -- for her baby's sake.
Yep. My parents got married
Yep. My parents got married at 19 and had me at 20...followed by 5 more kids. Both of my parents finished college (supporting each other in order to do so), and my dad went to law school. Were we poor when I was young? You bet! Did I realize it? Nope...because my mom kept kids for other families, cooked, canned, found fun, free things for us to do. I never felt deprived in any way, and my parents never moved back in or expected their parents to take care of the kids for them. In fact, we lived 8 hours away from the nearest in-laws, so it wasn't even an option.
Kids are way too coddled these days. I know the girl has lost her mother. That's tough. I lost my dad young, so I understand...but quitting school / not working full-time and caring for my adult responsibilities never crossed my mind. Moving back in with mommy and mooching off of a young widow...also never crossed my mind. Growing up has been healthy for me, and I can't help but think it would be healthy for this girl as well.
I personally would go to the
I personally would go to the SD and ask her to plead her case. She is the one who can refuse to move in.
You're right, and with many
You're right, and with many immigrant families the family will help but the teens and adult children are expected to work to help support the household and elders of the family in return, it's reciprocal. This is generally turned on it's head in American families where the parents support the lazy adult children who refuse to work jobs that are *beneath* them, expect to be supported, and opt to spend their days smoking weed and playing video games instead of contributing anything monetary or meaningful to the family. Also immigrants are not just one category that we can lump people into, they are people from many cultures. There are immigrant families who would look upon an unwed teenage girl or any age woman in their family as shameful and she would be disowned and thrown out.
I'm not sure what kind of *guidance* SD will be receiving at her fathers home. It seems like DH wants to coddle his knocked up daughter and her future child rather than *guide* her to be responsible for her own decisions or the life she may bring into the world.
I came home pregnant and
I came home pregnant and single at 19. The first convo i had with my mother when i moved in was..how i was going to pay rent.
I ultimately had a molar but i had already worked out a job. I became prego again at 23 and chose an abortion because i lived with roomies and the father lived with his mom and it sincerly was a woops, condom broke.
My sister came home at 19 pregnant and was NOT told to pay rent or contribute. By 22 she had 2 more kids and STILL never paid my mother a dime. My mom has kept allowing it because poor poor sister now has 3 kids how can she possibly work!? She is 24 now, has her kids week on/wk off still no job and recently was kicked out of mothers.
I get you do not want her to live there and really she probably will not stay long as she already has expressed not wanting to. Maybe you can get dh on board with charging her something even if its just to start getting her used to paying bills so that she doesnt leave immeiatly and blow through her $ and end up back again. Try to get dh more on board with showing her how to adult then just trying to fix it.
Nope ! My own DD knows she
Nope ! My own DD knows she won't be moving back in to dump her kid off on me if she gets pregnant. And I told my SO there is NO way in hell his kids will be either .
I moved out when I was 20 and got pregnant shortly thereafter ( BC failed ) . My parents basically disowned me and I had to put my big girl panties on and figure it out ( the Father was not involved ). It wasn't easy , but I managed.
One thing my parents made
One thing my parents made very clear is that I would not be allowed to interfere in my younger siblings experiencing their turn to be the age that may have been at any given time. As the eldest I had already had my turn at that age.
On the same note... they would not be allowed to interfere with me being the elder at whatever age I may have been at any given time.
This included my extended college career. I was on the 11yr plan for my undergrad and though my parents were very supportive of my college efforts (when I delivered good grades) they did not allow my extended educational horizon to interfere in my younger brother's turn at the parental education support trough.
So, your perspective is the right one IMHO. Your young children should have their childhood interfered with by your single young mother though adult SD. Particularly considering that she is an adult with notable resources who can provide for herself while finishing up her education.
IMHO that your kids are broke is irrelevant. Your kids are minors and as minors they should have the full support of their own parents and that includes their SParents. Your SD is an adult and broke or not... she should not be allowed to interferer in the minors turn to be minors.