Listing parents name for a stepkid
BS is having an article written about him for the local paper for a sports achievement.
I am the one that has paid for everything related to this sport and am the one that has spent countless hours sitting at the sport event, practice and carpooling. DH has had involvement as well, but no where near the extent of me.
Ex has had zero involvement. He has not paid for anything nor is he even remotely current on his CS. He has never once came to a practice or help with anything in regards to the sport. He has been to a total of 3 of the events out of 50.
For the paper BS will be listed as the son of Mr. and Mrs. Zero.
BS's dad will most likely never see the paper.
I may be being petty- #1 Ex hasn't had anything to do with this accomplishment. Even though I have kept him informed of everything (even though I shouldn't of had to) and DH and I have paid for everything, adjusting our budget to pay for this sport and the travel that goes along with it, while Ex continues to avoid paying his CS but drink and go out to eat and spend his money on whatever #2 I know it will make me (and DH) happier seeing our names NOT listed next to Ex's.
Thoughts?
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How did they get ex's name?
How did they get ex's name? On one hand, your BS IS ex's son. On the other hand, I can see how it would chap your arse seeing ex's name associated with this when he's a POS. Will the paper print just YOUR name? Or none?
The Coach is getting all the
The Coach is getting all the information for the paper. He asked how I wanted BS's parents listed and I just said just me and DH.
I think it should be ...mom,
I think it should be ...mom, Mrs Zero, and stepfather, Mr Zero...blah blah blah; I wouldn't mention the ex but I would include the step label if it were me.
why not simply say Mrs same
why not simply say Mrs same name as BS and Mr Zero...
pfffft ask BS if it's in order to simply say BS (no last name) son of Mrs Zero and Mr Zero..
or BS XXXX son of Mrs+Mr Zero
kids not having the same last name as the parents indicates automatically that the mother is re-married or what ever, there's no shame to it any more...
I don't know what the right
I don't know what the right answer is, only to think about how your son will feel looking back at a scrapbook with this article in it. If you think it won't bother him to have his dad excluded then go ahead. Another thought is if you could list it as son of mrs zero and her husband mr zero. Does that work to give wiggle room that your husband is acknoledged but not proclaimed outright as your son's father?
Yeah... I did think about how
Yeah... I did think about how BS would feel. If I explain to him in a way that doesn't flat out say your dad is a loser he will most likely understand and not be bothered by it. I mean the kid is smart enough to realize his dad hasn't been around for him in regards to this sport or school or anything.
I know...I never let him
I know...I never let him believe less about his father. I am very good about covering for his dad.
I don't even think any of the
I don't even think any of the other kids or parents realize that BS is not DH's kid. Since they have never seen his dad and have only seen me and DH I am assuming they just assume DH is his dad.
I understand that but I'm
I understand that but I'm just tired of letting his dad off the hook with everything.
For instance, if you SS's
For instance, if you SS's name was Mark Jones and your name is Sam Smith and your wife's name is Judy Smith, I would list is as..... "Mark Jones, 10 year old pitcher of the X baseball team, son of Sam and Judy Smith, was recognized today for outstanding...." That would be sufficient. It's clear by the different last names that he's your step son.
I feel like why should Ex get
I feel like why should Ex get recognized. He hardly even parents. I mean yeah he's his dad and BS goes to see him every once and awhile but other then that it all falls on me and DH. It's like Ex is a fun uncle or a grandparent that BS goes to see.
It just doesn't matter. He's
It just doesn't matter. He's in BS's life and he is his dad. You don't get to decide how BS sees him.
I agree with Lady. It isn't
I agree with Lady. It isn't right for his father to not be listed. Why not "the son of Mr. and Mrs. Zero and exDH"? I agree with thinking about how your son will feel now and later and how you would feel if the situation were reversed. Love your son more than you hate your ex.
I don't hate him. Trust me...
I don't hate him. Trust me... I put my feelings aside 99.9% of the time when it comes to Ex for BS. But I have busted my ass all year to help BS with this sport and get him where he is today and now I have to list his father for the article. I don't know. I feel like why should he get any of the recognition?
BS doesn't see him as a
BS doesn't see him as a deadbeat. Not yet. He's catching on though. I don't say anything. I let him figure stuff out. BUT even when he figures it out he'll still think highly of him. I dont think it will change BS's perception of him too much.
I agree with you. Just don't
I agree with you. Just don't list your ex. He's not there and the article is NOT about the ex, it's about your son.
When Thing1 was in high
When Thing1 was in high school, he was quite the football star. Whenever I needed to address his parentage, and it was surprisingly common, I always sucked it up and said "son of WOB and DH and Asshat and Moneky-Ka."
Yeah but your ex was probably
Yeah but your ex was probably involved in stuff. BS's dad isn't. Can you tell I'm bitter about it?
You know, he was involved as
You know, he was involved as in they went to his house, but as for attending their events? Nope. Thing1 played football with the same kids for about 7 years - most of those kids' parents assumed that DH was dad and not Asshat.
Most of them couldn't have picked Asshat out of a lineup of one
He never went to school functions, conferences, forensics competitions, performances, sporting events, nothing.
I never understand parents
I never understand parents that don't make an effort to be involved in those things.
It's a write up for your
It's a write up for your local paper, not a wedding invitation. Whatever you put should be fine as long as BS is good with it. I don't see it necessary to list the bio-father (as he's not been a part of the subject). You could go with Mr. and Mrs. Zero, Mrs. Zero and stepfather ________, or just son of Mrs. _______(DH's name) Zero.
Whatever works for your household.
Congrats to your BS. A write-up. Very cool.
When I have to sign forms for
When I have to sign forms for the sports stuff I don't even list his dad as the father. I leave it blank. Why? Because his dad rarely comes to anything. Like probably 1/100 things. If Ex started showing up, no one would even know who he is.
No. Because information is
No. Because information is needed right now. BS is still at school.
Yes he would probably like to see his dad's name. But if it's not listed he really isn't going to think too much into it. He sees me and DH as his parents, who he lives with, where he lives, the people that are there for him day to day.
I deal with the same thing
I deal with the same thing with both my BD11 and Stepsons 11 and 14. My ex is completely absent for any of my daughter's events such as parent/teacher meetings, homework and projects, practices, games, social events, etc. He makes no effort except gets her for his EOWE (his idea to change from weekly to EOWE, by the way.) Meanwhile, my steps' BM gave up her physical custody. She actually forced my husband to pay her in order to give up physical custody. She makes zero effort at all except for FACEBOOK. She acts like she is "mother of the year" on facebook. She only agrees to see the boys (about once or maybe twice a month) and then she only takes them to the movies. She demands that my husband give her money when she gets them (in order to do something with them.) It's always, always rated R movies, too. If they come without any money, she just returns them within 30 minutes. So I understand what it is like to be the one who does everything for the kids on both sides. I leave her name off of paperwork as well, since I"m the SAHM here. I scratch out "mother" and write "stepmother" on the forms. Or in the case of my daughter, if it's not school or health paperwork, I just leave his name blank because he's not involved and does not want to be bothered. Things like camp paperwork, sports information, etc. Both my ex and my husband's ex (BM) get all the same email communications from the kids' schools but they don't make any effort to follow up or reply so we have stopped including them in things.
I know you said his father
I know you said his father probably won't see it, but BS will right? I know it sucks, but I really think you need to have it say son of Mr. and Mrs. Zero and Bio Dad. Really more for your son's sake. You'll probably cut/print this article out and keep it for BS to have to look back on, so I really think his dad needs to be mentioned.
Well hopefully his dad will
Well hopefully his dad will read it and think Damn... if I am more involved maybe I won't be excluded. Maybe it will make him realize that he needs to be there more for his son. More then just seeing him to do the fun stuff.
No they are very close. He
No they are very close. He won't think it has anything to do with BS. BS is 11.
This is your answer though
This is your answer though dear! If BS and his dad are very close, then you need to list his dad.
I'm just at the end of my
I'm just at the end of my rope with the lies from his dad, the lack of involvement unless it's easy for him, the PAS that he constantly does. He does nothing "fatherly" at this point.
I already said I'm being
I already said I'm being petty about it. But damn it I'm so done with doing it ALL while his dad does NOTHING and has done NOTHING for years and I ALWAYS take the high road... ALWAYS... and now I am like F*CK it. I'm so tired of making sure his dad is included in shit that he can't even make sure he is included himself.
I told him MONTHS ago about a tournament in our city that he could EASILY get to. I reminded him about it multiple times and he still didn't make it. Oh I forgot.
After that... I was like it's me and DH that sit HOURS every weekend in bleachers, Saturday and Sunday, the ones who drive here and there and pay for entry fees and extra practices and equipment. It's ME who has rushed home from work to cook dinner and drive BS 30 minutes away to practice and then sit there until 8:30, then get home after 9:00pm.
I'm just tired of doing it all and doing the right thing all the time and making sure Ex isn't forgotten but why is it my job???? If Ex was involved I know 100% the coach NEVER would have asked me who I wanted listed as the parents.
I get it!!! As Starfish?? or
I get it!!! As Starfish?? or one of the old timers used to say "The high road gives me a nose bleed" But your frustration is a conversation you need to have with BS dad.... not the general population who will read article and not BS who will keep the article.. ykwim?
BS knows who supports him the most, he'll know that it was always you and DH there. You posted because you know in your heart it's the right thing to do.... you're stubborn mind just doesn't want to do it!
... and honey I would be in the same exact place!!!
But I can honestly say that even when SD was living with us and BM was paying zero in CS, never went to any of her games, etc. if an article was being written about SD, I would have insisted that her MOTY be listed.
Why are the parents even
Why are the parents even being listed? I mean, you can't be the first, the only, divorced parent of a kid being recognized ever... Ugh.
If push came to shove, I think I'd want the paper to write,
"BS's mother, Zero, and often her husband, BS's stepdad, brings him to practices and cheers him on at matches. BS's father, Loving Deadbeat, is also very proud of BS's accomplishments."
I think the article will be
I think the article will be more like:
BS age 11 student at X school and son of Mr and Mrs Zero is an awesome sports kid....
I understand how you feel.
I understand how you feel. You do it 'all', you want the glory! You think it's right to support BS's relationship with his dad, but it feels like false credit to involve him in BS's sports accomplishments. Then there's emotional stuff that battles back and forth as well.
Bottom line: BS wouldn't be here without his dad contributing to him. Half of his wrestling self comes from his dad's genetic contribution. His dad may never do more than give the world BS, but he can be honored for that.
Does he need to be honored as part of a wrestling award? I don't know. Should he not even exist as per that article? I think that's too much. But it's just my opinion.
Ask that parents not be
Ask that parents not be listed at all . Problem Solved.
That's how I feel about it.
That's how I feel about it. If Ex was involved it wouldn't even be a question on if he should be included or not.
I can understand how
I can understand how difficult this is. I'm in a similar position as your husband. I'm the one raising my stepdaughter with barely any involvement from BM - financial or otherwise. The school has me listed as mom because even if SD was deathly ill, she wouldn't bother to come pick her up. So DH made sure I was listed beside his name, not BM, because I AM mom, no matter what other people say.
I understand respecting her position and the fact that SD is her kid, but it would still crush me for her to get credit for SD's accomplishments when I'm the one who's raised her as my own. I'm the one who checks on her at night, tucks her in, rubs her back when she's sick, etc. But unfortunately, I am not her mom, no matter how much of the role I play. It's hard. It's really, really hard.
The rest of the world will recognize BD as your child's bio father, but they will also likely recognize your husband as your child's ACTUAL father. And it's up to you to make sure that when BD outshines him due to legalities, you appreciate him for actually doing the role. It's hard. It's so, so hard. But your child would probably want all THREE of you listed, so maybe you can make that happen?
I know I'm being petty but
I know I'm being petty but those that know my story should know why I have come to this... I am just done covering for his dad. Always taking the high road and doing what is best for my son is what ALLOWS Ex to keep being a shitty parent. He KNOWS I won't make him look bad in front of BS because he KNOWS how much I love BS. But it's that love for BS that is allowing Ex to keep skirting his responsibility and leaving it to me but getting credit. Ugh.
Having had to take the high
Having had to take the high road for 11 years, I totally feel you. Asshat never went to any of DD25's events, nor Thing2 when he competed in the same event. Asshat RARELY went to Thing1's football games, lacrosse matches, rugby matches. He didn't go to the Seniors Honors Convocations, NHS inductions, concerts, etc.
I still listed him as a parent when necessary - and I hated every second of it. BUT - here is the silver (revenge/feel good) lining - total strangers who knew my kids' accomplishements, but not Asshat, would literally stop me and say "I had no idea" And that made me feel good inside.
Honestly... I know DH will be
Honestly... I know DH will be slightly offended that Ex's name is even mentioned and will think like I am thinking- he isn't even involved but then he too will take the high road and know he has to share the credit.
Okay I texted the coach and
Okay I texted the coach and said if it wasn't too late to update it to read "Parents Mr. and Mrs. Zero and father Ex Douchebag.
I'm doing it for my BS.
But I'm still pissed about it. The whole situation.
YAY!!!! I know how much I
YAY!!!! I know how much I hated it every time I had to do it. You are modeling for your son
You did the right thing Zero.
You did the right thing Zero. If DS and his dad were not close I would say to do what you wanted at first. But since you said they were close, it may have ended up with you looking bad in front of DS. Sucks but you did the right thing by BS. Hang in there.
Not going to lie. I cried
Not going to lie. I cried angry frustrated tears when I texted the coach.
Not going to lie. I cried
Not going to lie. I cried angry frustrated tears when I texted the coach.
DH is a parent to BS. It's
DH is a parent to BS. It's not about appearances. I'm listing who BS's parents are. Me and DH. And Ex by biology. Families come in all different shapes and sizes.
I always say I have 3 parents- my mother, father and my step mom. I even refer to my deceased step father sometimes as one of my parents. My step father raised me more then my bio dad.
I'm always wrong? And I always have a list of reasons? I don't agree with that at all.
totally disagree, as zero's
totally disagree, as zero's husband acts as the parent, lives with the kid, and does help raise him.
DH isn't perfect but he's
DH isn't perfect but he's definitely stepped up and in. It would be an insult to not consider him one of BS's parents. BS says it without me even having to say it.
yup. i remember the first
yup. i remember the first time one of the boys referred to both dh and i as "my parents". yes, as an actively full-time custodial stepparent with a baaarely existent dumb@$$ bm, it would be highly insulting to not be considered a parent. h3ll, even the school refers to me as "parent" and i'm listed on everything. they do have dumb@$$' name on record as being the bm, but there's no contact info.
No one talked me into it. I
No one talked me into it. I thought about how BS would feel and I made that decision based off of doing what would be best for my BS, realizing my initial response to Coach wasn't the best.
When I got home I talked a
When I got home I talked a little to BS about the article and asked him to write out the information for me (as if I still had to turn it in) because I was curious as to what he would put. When I said write down your parents he said- "Do I put my dad or stepdad?" I said "Well put who your parents are silly." He wrote down: Mom- Mrs. Zero, Stepdad- Mr. Zero and Dad- Biodad.
So here is your answer. I
So here is your answer. I know how you feel. But you did the right thing. Let kid decide
Of course it's okay. I'm
Of course it's okay. I'm happy that he has a great relationship with his dad. I'm just not happy that I have basically enabled Ex to skirt his responsibility of being a parent. And not just because he provided half of the DNA. Ex and I get along just fine. Because for the most part I have accepted who Ex is, I have accepted the situation. Doesn't mean though that I don't have moments of frustration.
This school year it has just really hit me. I'm tired, exhausted, spending more money, trying to manage more things for BS.
nicely put, LF. that's a
nicely put, LF. that's a much healthier way to think of it.
Two things come to
Two things come to mind:
Because I haven't put his a$$ in jail for back CS I allow him to keep not paying CS. If I called CS and followed up then they would issue a summons for him to appear in court. He would most likely go to jail and then he would lose what little he has and what BS has at his house. He knows I won't put him in jail because of BS. So he knows he doesn't have to pay CS.
He doesn't have a vehicle ( or DL) he has no need to get one because people always drive him places or he takes the bus/cab. Majority of the time I drive BS to and from his dad's (45 minutes away) to make sure that BS can see his dad. By doing he isn't really missing BS so he doesn't feel the need to get the car and DL. Yet because he doesn't have these things he misses more-sports, school events and just being there for his son and being available to help with the day to day parenting things.
Agree and thank you. I
Agree and thank you. I honestly think the only thing that would possibly put a fire under his ass is if I kept BS from him and I would never do that.
so there you go. wooosaaaah.
so there you go. wooosaaaah. maybe print out this whole blog and comments and light it on fire, watching it slowly burn, and let your feelings on the matter float away with the smoke. he is not going to change, and you are not going to stop doing what you do for bs. it's an impasse - and you're burning through the balance in your emotional "bank account" feeling anything but apathy about it. release yourself from that!
as they say, "it is what it is."
It is what it is is my motto
It is what it is is my motto
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your responses and helping me work through this. Definitely appreciated. Not sure if there is a certain point where the high road can't get any higher or if my tongue can take one more bite but I'll always do what's best for my son. I may be a "BM" but I'm not "that BM". I am "that SM" though
Hugs Zero, I know exactly how
Hugs Zero, I know exactly how you are feeling. I have always been the one do do all the work with BS9. When we were married the loon never did homework, took care of him, put him to bed, dealt with behavior i it was all me while he lay on the couch. Even last night it was conferences and he called at 5 minutes to to tell me he was too tired to come because he had worked 12 hours the day before.. ( I have averaged 52 hours a week lately so cry me a freaking river, but frankly I was relieved to not have him there )BS has been goofing off in school and now I will be the one dealing with it to get him back on track.
My son loves his dad too very much and I want that for him, because I see what it is like for his older brothers when they lost their respect for their dad and his bad behavior and actions. I feel bad for them and even for my ex who has brought it all on himself and has no idea how lucky he is that his children are more mature than he is.
It sucks to be the one who has to do it all. I am feeling that pain today too :(.
It was the right thing to include his dad for your son. You are a amazingly strong woman.
What makes me really sad is
What makes me really sad is that I see BS when he is older taking care of his dad. Feeling responsible to make sure that his dad has what he needs. Ex being a burden to BS. BS has such a big heart and loves his dad so much. If things keep going the way they are going it will be BS who turns into the parent role with Ex.
(((HUGS))) to you too!