Auntie tells us what we should and should not allow in our own home - just a little frustrated
This weekend wasn't absolutely horrid. The superbowl party was fun - both SD's hung out with their cousins, and SO and I watched in the big room with his family. SO has a large family, he is the youngest of 10 siblings and his 94-year old mother is still around and kicking it. She requires constant care, which is taken care of by one male sibling, and the weekends are shared among the remaining local siblings - about 4 of them. My SO - he absolutely refuses to take his turn. So he pays SD17 to do this. Also, when there are events on the weekend, SD17 will be asked by the other siblings to do this. The one thing she is good at is watching kids and old folks.
Well, we have been having an onging argument with SD about her room. She wants to paint it a really dark color, black or dark red. SO and I have discussed this between ourselves and decided no. And for me, "no" actually means no. It is not a maybe or a might or a lets see..its actually really no.
SD17, besides being bratty, selfish, narcissistic, lying, thieving, and mean, is also part badger. She tells her Auntie #1, who she spent the weekend with, that she wants to paint a wall. So Auntie #1 approaches us both, speaking to my SO "You should let Winona paint just one wall, she really wants to do a different color". I asked hr if she had been paid as an advocate. She brushed me off and continued asking my SO if he would please allow dear SD17 to paint her room.
I have heard Auntie #1 say things like "You should take Winona places, she always just stays at home! (Winona has no friends and no activities, shes mean and really not much fun, spoils almost every family outing...)
So I am just frustrated. I am happy SO stood up to his older sister, who carries a lot of clout, and told her "no, that's not happening!" But I am frustrated with other people, trying to tell us what we need to do in our own home. Allowing SD17 to paint her room, creates double work because its a rental. Plus we want to move soon, within a year or so.
Plus I don't want her to make it hers so she can stay longer. That's the long and short of it, really.
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Paid as an advocate.. LOL.
Paid as an advocate.. LOL.
It's interesting how the skids think someone else can waltz in and change your mind when you've already said no. I totally get the family piping in about things and how out of place it is. They must think we were born yesterday
LOL. WElL, SD17 does a LOT of
LOL. WElL, SD17 does a LOT of complaining, and thinks badgering will get her way. SO realizes that caving is bad, so he's been good about standing strong. Its just that I have never had to deal with this stuff before. I am only a little less than three years into this, and I recall being so intimidated, I said nothing when the Aunties would make my SO out to be a bad dad because he did not do all kinds of trips and outings. We don't have a lot of money and SO is frugal. We do not even go out dancing anymore like we used to now and then.
It's hard to not at least
It's hard to not at least understand that the sister is coming at this from a place of "love". She cares about her niece and is trying to advocate for her.
I think it would be a little more helpful to not make snarky comments to her about being "paid". It immediately puts her in a position where she will ignore you and dislike you.
All that had to be said was that.
"Auntie, I know SD wants to paint her room, but unfortunately, this is a rental and we really can't make those kind of permanent changes. We appreciate your concern, but that's the reason why it can't happen."
yes, I was pretty snarky. I
yes, I was pretty snarky. I also made a comment of "it has to be a NICE color, with her door off, and whatnot."
But yes, that is my frustration. You hit the nail on the head. Everything SD17 has done is swept under the rug, or kept under wraps, so we are made to look like we are just so MEAN. And I know she is coming from a place of love, and they get along well - Auntie took her to Vegas with other cousins and aunties, Auntie took her to LA, on a business trip - to give her a so-called life, because we give her nothing. Its normal, I know, for families to be this way. Just frustrating.
And that last sentence was exactly what SO said. And that was hopefully the end of that.
The best advice I can give
The best advice I can give you is that if you can't say something nicely, I would just let your DH do all the talking.
Yes, it's annoying when kids are told "no" and then they go to their grandparents or whatever to try to get a different decision made.
The problem is that your comments gave weight to the girl's complaint that she is being treated unfairly. You are showing the Auntie that you in fact don't like her and that's the reason why it's not allowed..because you personally veto anything the girl wants. whine, whine, whine... (teen girl whining).
If you had allowed your husband to just calmly explain your very legitimate reasons for the decision, I think that would have gone over a bit better...without your extra comments that make his explanation ring hollow.
Believe me, I know it's hard to bite your tongue. I had to do it yesterday with my OSD when she was attacking my YSD. I defended YSD, but stopped short of completely calling out OSD for her shortcomings because in the end, she is my DH's daughter and though imperfect, he loves her too. I don't feel the need to start a world war III with his adult SD after all these years we have been together. I didn't want to say anything that couldn't be unsaid... so I left. It's not always important to get your say in.. sometimes silence speaks volumes.
yes, point taken. I know how
yes, point taken. I know how this family works, and they don't take kindly to any criticism of their own. I am the outsider, and no matter what know they will never take my side in anything, so I keep very extremely quiet. I slipped once in almost 3 years. I know it was the wrong way to go about it.
I am often defending SD10 against her own sister, SD17. I have stopped and SD10 has learned how to turn herself into a pretzel all while jumping through multiple hoops to get along well. So its not as bad as it used to be (SD17, then 16, calling her little sister ugly, and stupid, etc).
I know my SO loves his eldest, but he is also a realist and knows she is horrid. He simply tries to do his best and keep the peace.
I am the point where I WANT WW3. to my detriment probably.
Thanks for kind words and intelligent dialog. It helps tremendously.
You also get more flies with
You also get more flies with sugar than salt.
"oh.. Auntie.. we so wish we could let her paint that wall. But gosh darn it, because it's a rental and we may move soon.. it just isn't possible. I really hope she can live in a place where it is allowed sometime, because blood red walls sound so awesome."
LOL!!!! Yep. That's the color
LOL!!!! Yep. That's the color she wants... that or black, which Im ok with. But I don't want her getting all comfortable and possessive of her space. She has told me more than once in the past "just so you know, I was here first". (I wrote about that previously) which is why it is a hot button issue right now.
We did put that excuse to good usage. Auntie has done much for us, given us event tix, a really nice couch. I do really want to stay on her good side!!!!
My darn mouth will definitely get me in trouble. Nicknamed the monster for good reason.
When I was 12 my parents
When I was 12 my parents bought a house and the room I had was painted a dark orange and yellow color. HIDEOUS.
It took a million coats to cover it up.
I'm just going to throw this out there..... there is such a thing as removable wallpaper. Maybe that could be a compromise if the girl/auntie bought it?
It sticks like post its I think and comes off with no damage. One wall, they can pay for it.. peels off. Not a terrible option.
ESMOD I have suggested the
ESMOD I have suggested the removable wallpaper option, prior, when SD17 and I were on OK terms. She ignored me, and kept arguing with dad. So I dropped it. SD17 has absolutely no job and has not had a job for a long time...and then was caught January 1 shoplifting, so after the large fine, we are definitely not paying her any money for anything. Any $$ she gets comes from other sources.
Since then she has demolished any sort of relationship we ever had. Ergo, no compromise, nothing at all. I want her out, if possible, and if not, she gets nada.
I understand. I was 100%
I understand. I was 100% suggesting that either the girl or Auntie pay for it though.
Yep. However don't want to
Yep.
However don't want to even go there, after suggesting it and being ignored. Auntie needs to not intervene. I see it as standing our ground. SD17 was told no. She becomes a badger, whines and complains to everyone, treats me like crap, every chance she gets, and then gets her way? A compromise? Oh Heck to the no. No more doormat. Ive put up with all kinds of BS from this one, and this is the feather that broke the elephant.
THANK YOU!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!
Yes, Auntie has a nice big
Yes, Auntie has a nice big place with plenty of room, maybe SD17 should go live THERE!!!!
I have entertained the thought. Auntie always has a place for wayward people. its a huge place. SD17 and her get on well.
Actually Auntie has been so
Actually Auntie has been so very good to us. Shes just listening to the whining and complaining and taking it to heart (and probably believing all the lies from SD17..)
My DH is the eldest sibling
My DH is the eldest sibling and only male. I so can relate to you on the issue of meddling SILs.
You are so, so lucky that your DH "gets it" and is willing to stand up to his relatives. Ideally, your DH should not engage on the subject at all, and instead ask his sister if she realizes she's been manipulated by niece. That's the real problem, after all. And he should light up his kid's butt for using manipulation tactics.
I had such a conversation
I had such a conversation with DH last night in fact!!!! While we were unwinding from our day, and I was giving backrub, I broached the subject with
"hey, you know this is YOUR household, YOU get to have a say in how YOU run your household. HER household is her business, OUR household is OUR business, you and I TOGETHER make the rules."
His response:
"Yeah, I know. She lets all of her kids paint one wall...."
Me: "AGAIN that is her household...this is OURS"
Period. No more discussion.
"Right now with the house
"Right now with the house being a rental we cannot make any changes like that."
"I know, she is so keen to paint. I am thinking she should sign up for Habitat for Humanity. They always need volunteers."
"Sigh! SD knows we cannot do anything like that."
" Well we can't paint anything any colour than what the landlord allows. However if you have a room SD can paint blood red and black ... have you ever tried painting over black paint?"
yeah. I jut want to shut the
yeah. I jut want to shut the whole conversation down. No one needs to dictate what happens in our household, except for us.
you are way to nice towards
you are way to nice towards Aunty...
I simply would've looked at her and said - the day you pay for my house is the day you have a say no eff off and stay out of my business.
or I would've turned to SD and said - oh Honey aunty just said you can move in with her and paint your room any color you want... then walk away
Darn. Next time! Im hoping we
Darn. Next time!
Im hoping we have made our point but I don't think so.
SO told his sister, "maybe if SD17 kept her room clean"...leaving it open. I have coached him, as of last night, in what his response should be if it comes up: "Thank you for your thoughtful suggestion, but we have discussed this among ourselves, and made our decision, and the decision WAS, IS NOW AND FOREVER SHALL BE NO."
LOL. She is the unofficial
LOL. She is the unofficial matriarch of the family, and a high-powered 23-year employee of the company where you get your berries. I have to sort of make nice in hopes she'll help me get a job as an underling at her company. Otherwise I would let her have it with both guns. She does this a lot, this kind of meddling. She will comment that we don't provide enough entertainment for SD17, so she will take SD17 on trips. And not ask any of us cretins. But yes, great suggestions. I think the silence will be my best bet, so that I don't get booted from family functions.