House Rules about coloring hair- Together or Separate?
I am going through the tunnel of disengagement, and am seeing the light at the end! Its awesome. I still have much to go through, the future of when SD turns 18 and graduates HS is uncertain, and many things are in flux.
One thing that continues to rear its ugly head is House Rules: Chapter 1 - coloring of hair.
SD17 colors her hair almost every week/weekend. She is a complete pig, slob, dirty, toxic waste of a person. When she used to color her hair, she would drip the solution everywhere, and the stink would give me headaches. When I go get my hair done, its stinky, but I go home and its fine.
So now, our House Rule, as discussed and agreed upon by SO and myself, is NO COLORING OF HAIR AT ALL, EVER AGAIN AT OUR HOUSE. You want to color hair - fine! You go to your mother's house.
So, every now and then, SD17 thinks its about that time, and starts whining and begging and pleading to color her hair. Every time, SO has to repeatedly say "NO ABSOLUTLEY NOT, DO NOT ASK AGAIN". And so the begging stops, momentarily. Just to continue again a week later. 2 1/2 years of listening to this. Her voice grates on me so much!
So, my question is this: do we sit her down, and calmly explain, that So and MYSELF have discussed this and have BOTH agreed that this is always going to be a House Rule, therefore there is to be no further discussion? That we have decided TOGETHER? Would this serve us well or ill? Previously she has grown up in this house, and when angry likes to throw in the comment of "I was here first".
Would this make her come unhinged, is this not a part of the disengagement, or would this solidify my authority in my own home? That I am an active equal part of my household?
Background: I have lived there full-time 1 year, have been in the relationship 2 1/2 years, contribute to the household financially and with much labor, and pay all my own bills. SD17 is 50/50, does nothing to help out and is, ahem, untidy, rude and argumentative. Her big "pwer trip" is that she watches gma on my SO's days so that he can work. So he doesn't want to alienate her too much (she gets paid well).
Do I press the issue of House Rules (my rule) and my role?
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Nope. SO just needs to keep
Nope. SO just needs to keep repeating that she can color her hair at her mom's house, but the mess is not welcome at yours. Maybe get her gift cards to a salon for her birthday so she can color her hair the healthy/correct way!
If he tells her no and says
If he tells her no and says not to ask again and she asks again, it sounds like he needs to start issuing consequences.
I'm not sure why you'd want to get involved in this.
Yeah, I hear you. I am
Yeah, I hear you. I am staying out of that. Picking my battles carefully now.
NOPE! Next time she brings
NOPE!
Next time she brings it up, have your SO tell her no exactly ONE TIME and then start issuing consequences each and every time she brings it up
The problem we have with
The problem we have with consequences, is that:
1. She doesn't go anywhere
2. She has no job.
3. She has no license (no car)
4. She has no friends.
5. She doesn't drink
6. She doesn't smoke
7. She has no outside activities.
8. Phone bill unpaid
So what do we take away?
She does. Is it ok to take
She does. Is it ok to take that ca$$? That money was supposed to pay her $250 shoplifting fine, but she bought hair color instead.
She turns 18 at the end of April. So that means SO is still responsible. And he hopes she will go with BM full time after. However, he wont kick her out, because she is hoping to be with him (and I) after full time. The House Rule argument thing will only get worse, I am thinking, after 18, because she will think that means she can do whatever she wants. Someone did mention that I should say "no matter how old you get, in our household you will always be the child".
She will never be out, Im afraid, no matter what, my SO clings to the "shes my DAUGHTER".
Not sure if you know my
Not sure if you know my story, but ASS turned 18 in March of last year but didn't graduate until June. DH and I sat down and hammered out the circumstances under which ASS could stay in the house post graduation. ASS didn't want to follow our rules so out he went.
He graduated in the morning and was in the car with my DH by noon on the way to his next destination.
If your husband is afraid to "lose his little girl" you're going to be in for a world of hurt.
It seems So is finally seeing
It seems So is finally seeing the "light", meaning he is seeing his little girl in the light of her trend of arguments, and attitude, and the fact is, even just this morning, she lies. so. we shall see. he is not one to sit anyone down and discuss, he is more of a "this is how it will be, no discussion".
Hair, and lets not forget the
Hair, and lets not forget the makeup she likes to steal. Shes hugely into doing her makeup. Her skin is horrible and bumpy with acne, so she thinks that will help.
Yes. She needs a life/hobbies, but not with us. She needs to LAUNCH. On her own. She is the destroyer of happiness, and I don't like taking her anywhere anymore. I tried family outings, and hiking and surfing (we are 30 minutes to beach, 20 minutes to wilderness), but met with indifference and resistance. She is ungrateful to extreme. So I give up on helping her with any hobbies.
What about WiFi? You can
What about WiFi? You can change the password and not allow her access.
That's something to bring up
That's something to bring up to SO. Thanks!
then she can do yard work or
then she can do yard work or house work or something along those lines.
Take her computer??
You have to be creative...
LOL. We DO make her pick up
LOL. We DO make her pick up doggie Doo Doo.
But as to housework, its more work than doing it ourselves!!!!
My parents were good about
My parents were good about telling us no, and if we argued, and stomped, then they simply turned their back and let us "stomp it out". LoL. My SO - its not his first time dealing with this, youd think hed have it all figured out. The funny (not funny) thing is, previously, if I made suggestion or made mention of how it bugged me, he would get angry and say "we have to be thankful shes not doing something worse". And now she is doing many something worses!!!! (if you've read my story, you know what I mean)
OMG, I can't stand that
OMG, I can't stand that "could be worse" line. I get it all the time.
I'm going to start turning it around on him. "Yeah! I could be worse, too! Let me think up some stuff! You'll still be happy, right? Cuz I could always be even worse than that. As long as I can think of something even worse, you'll still be happy!"
There's no reason to bring
There's no reason to bring you into the conversation. If anything your SO just needs to say it's a house rule and will not be changing. I agree with the posters above that he should start doling out consequences if she won't stop bringing it up when she's already been given an answer.
I agree with the others, it
I agree with the others, it needs to come from your DH. He needs to enforce this, and give consequences to her if she breaks the rules.
If you are involved at all, she will think you made him do it.
If she hasn't already worked
If she hasn't already worked out that her dad will not change his mind then telling her it is a mutually agreed upon house rule is unlikely to get through to her either. Just leave it for your husband to deal with, I am glad he is sticking to the rule, that is great.
amen.
amen.
Downsouth lol. ye-all will
Downsouth lol. ye-all will get the hose! its not just the mess, but the smell. I get sick off of the cheap drugstore chemicals she buys, and then all of that sits in the garbage can, then she does this at 10 pm, stays up until 12 pm styling and blowdrying. On top of the mess.
What are suggestions of consequences? We have nothing to take away (door is off, & see above). Im thinking 1 night of chores overseen by SO (not me!). I would love community service/volunteer!
Open to suggestions.
OH Downsouth, you certainly
OH Downsouth, you certainly hit the nail on the proverbial head. She has no fear of ANYONE. Especially when losing her temper. Sometimes shell squeeze out some tears (yah know, for sympathy, victimhoods sake)but for the most part, has no fear and no remorse.
Yea, you know my story from previous postings. I will indeed not lose sight of the big picture here, the LAUNCH. SO is talking about college, Im hoping for J.O.B.
Ive thought of saying that to her, but right now, my only words are "good morning" & "good night".
She is the type of person that she would take that as I mean it }:) Shes no dummy that one, but dumb enough to push everyone in the wrong direction.
WEll, the responses are an
WEll, the responses are an overwhelming "absolutely don't get involved, no sit-down, heart-to-heart". So this very second I texted my SO he should add days of washing dishes for every argument after NO. Lets see how it pans out. I am simply tired of watching and listening to her argue. She bugs me.
YEAH I agree. He is, but
YEAH I agree. He is, but there's the part of me that just wants to scream when I hear her voice whining and begging and then acting like the cute little daddy's girl, and then more arguing and begging and whining. That part of me that wants to wash her mouth with soap...
Yep, I know that game well.
Yep, I know that game well. SDrama17 can't be bothered to speak to DH barely, let alone carry a conversation with him...but when she neeeeeeds something like money or a ride, it's all DAAAAAAAADDDDYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
I have pointed this out to him. But he still caves 50-75% of the time.
Makes me wretch.
Just laugh maniacally next
Just laugh maniacally next time she asks.
Or hand her some Army recruitment brochures and start chattering away about enlistment.
Or start giving her the details of an appendectomy your co-worker recently had.
Or say, "I'm glad you reminded me. Here's the Formula 409, the bathroom really needs some work."
Memorize a bunch of these and have them at the ready. She'll stop asking.
OH BOY would I be in for some
OH BOY would I be in for some trouble with a capital T if I did that!!!!
For now - let SO do the dirty work, I will smile maniacly.
}:)
Make a sign on the computer
Make a sign on the computer and print about 10 copies. NO YOU MAY NOT DYE YOUR HAIR IN THIS HOUSE. Post in conspicuous places. Point if she asks.
I might just do that if I
I might just do that if I have to listen to her 1 more time. I will print exactly 3 copies - one for each mirror she uses. I will print little posters, Like the time I printed posters to help find her beloved dog of 16 years who had run away and she did nothing to lift a finger and complained when folks tried to help that they weren't helping in the right way. And tape them. Wish I could tape her mouth shut. Sorry not sorry.
}:)
WEll, its been an informative
WEll, its been an informative day, all. This am, we started the day off with my home being a war zone - SO had taken 2 days and gone through SD17's entire room. Cleared 2 large garbage bags full. And then gave her a nice new dresser, for storage. The room doesn't stink as much, but it will with the days she is with us. So, he knows the inventory of her room, and knew that there was a brand new umbrella in one drawer. It is not there, she claims to not have it. It has magically disappeared. This is important because it is raining. She ha proven herelf a liar and a thief. Im so tired of the lies.
In the course of the morning, SO yelling, SD yelling, things escalated of course and So told her flat out that punching S-n (BMs hapless but well-meaning boyfriend) was NOT OK. Her reply? "He deserved it".
A poster above nailed it. She knows no fear (as of yet). Her father is a big burly man, with a loud voice, and Ive seen him make her cry and scream getting her to clean her room. She has been protected all her life. Never has she really been hurt or injured, never hit, or punched. Im not saying that she should be hit or punched, Im just illustrating that life has not left any marks of learning on this one. shes never had a boyfriend, never goes out. So she knows no fear of pain or punishment.
So, my question is, what do you do with a child that knows no fear? I guess that life itself must teach it to this one.
CLove - the house rule is the
CLove - the house rule is the house rule over and done with...... she had the opportunity to color her hair at home, she effed it up, this is the consequence..
SD telling you I was here first.... oh I know that lol, I simply tell Aergia.... Little girl the day you contribute financially to this house hold will be the day you have a say, until then shut the hell up and do as you are told.
Once Aergia went as far as changing the house locks while we where at work, front door which I use... yeah she called some one (arranged it with BM) I could not get in, I simply called an Estate agent and when SO drove out the next morning the FOR SALE board was on the lawn... actually 3 different boards }:)
Aergia saw it and asked him why was it not discussed with her, why did he put the house in the market... SO replied, Acra owns half of the house and you changed the front door lock to keep her out, she decided to sell the house and I can't buy her out.... you should've heard Aergia's lame excuse why it was done... she lost her keys blablablabla
she begged and cried for weeks.... I kept my story... seeing you are the adult in the house, you can always buy my 50% out and pay the monthly installment with your father, but I will not be told what can be done or not in my house...
Now it's much better, she keeps to her room and her mouth shut
WOW!!!!! Now I know who has
WOW!!!!! Now I know who has the B@lls in YOUR family!
A lesson or three to be learned certainly. I think wilt all her recent transgressions (ie: shoplifting and getting caught, fined etc, using the BM boyfriend as punching bag, lying and getting caught, attitude etc, causing door to be taken off...) shes going to lay low for a while. A few days at leat, and then she will consider everything good and forgotten.
Honestly, I just want to shake that little ninny. Don't get me wrong - I am all for supporting my fellow woman, and what better way than to help and nurture a teenager etc, but she is just a spoiled, entitled BRAT.
Thanks for sharing that - great way to semi-end the week!
I am done trying to make a
I am done trying to make a good person of Aergia, I admit defeat lol...... with a BM that encourage them your hands are cut off.
I'm a straight person, it's my way or the high way.... joking I do compromise but it all boils down to...
being a strict parent with obedient children...not an obedient parent with strict children...
as long as I'm financially responsible and you not, you keep your trap shut... over and done with lol.
Also I do not negotiate with children.... at age 17 you should know right from wrong it's not for me to teach it to you
life's a b!tch till you meet me
LOL. I was just telling my
LOL. I was just telling my mother that very same thing : "Mom, I am NOT responsible for how she turns out, period!"
Many thanks to Steptalk for that little nugget of wisdom I hold near and dear.
Yah, my sweety, he sais Im too controlling/strict/managerial/one way...but I say, 'hey there, whos the adult here?"
I also told my mother: "mom the girl has no remorse. A mistake is a mistake, but to not have remorse, that means she WILL continue in the same direction, and do all the same things. Nothing will be better with that one. And I do not want to live with her full time, parttime is bad enough".