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Is it enough?

Worried_Worrier's picture

Submitted by Worried_Worrier on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 10:04am

Christmas and New Year were good - we were braced for drama but there was very little. I am just sad at the moment and I don't really know why.

All over facebook are engagement announcements and it hurts so much knowing that won't happen for me. My partner is divorced and (after I had moved in) said that he doesn't want to marry again and it means nothing to him. I have never hidden how much marriage means to me. When we first met he made jokes and comments about marriage and weddings and vasectomy reversal then once I had lived with him for a couple of months it all stopped. I don't know what I did wrong. Or why I am so terrible to live with.

I don't even know how to bring up something from the early months of our relationship now after all this time. And I am scared that he just comes out and says I am not good enough and he will never feel like that with me. Which would be heartbreaking especially considering how his ex wife is.

He says he loves me and the kids say the same. But I tend to feel like the outsider and like I don't quite belong. I can't put into words why I feel like that though.

I am too old to be feeling so messed up!

Comments

uofarkchick's picture

Submitted by uofarkchick on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 10:12am

He was telling you what you wanted to hear so you would move in.
I'm going to go out on a limb here... Are you the main care taker for the children when they are over? Who is paying the majority of the bills?
You don't have to settle for anything less than what you want, hon. The only thing you're doing wrong is wasting your time on someone that doesn't want the same things you want.

Worried_Worrier's picture

Submitted by Worried_Worrier on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 11:36am

When I moved in it was after a phase where he wasn't "allowed" the kids overnight and after that he had them on the nights he was home as he works shifts. Now they are with us full time so we split the care as we both work. He pays the bills and I pay food and entertainment and emergencies.

I just can't get over thinking I did something to make him change what he was saying. Maybe he saw the real me after I moved in.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Tue, 01/10/2017 - 1:09am

He didn't see the real you - you saw the real him. He told you what you wanted to hear and once you moved in he began to show the real him. Believe him.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 10:22am

Well, it doesn't sound like it's enough for you.

You've been together for 3 years (I think?) and there's a reason that you feel like you do.

You need to just have an honest conversation with him about your feelings. I know it's scary but wouldn't you rather know where you stand instead of just going along like this? Because it doesn't sound like you feel that he's IN love with you, regardless of the marriage thing.

Sounds like he pulled a bait and switch.

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

Submitted by TwelveLongYrs79 on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 11:47am

Continuing to leave the toliet seat up? You could probably work on that or live with it...
Not wanting to commit to you in a way that you feel is the most important way to do so? How long do you think you can live with that? You are doing all the duties of a wife, without the title...on top of all the duties of mom, without that title either.
Some people are completely fine with not marrying, but it sounds like you are NOT okay with that. And it sounds like it should be a deal breaker.

Worried_Worrier's picture

Submitted by Worried_Worrier on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 1:09pm

The only time he really talks about his feelings is when something stressful is going on. Like ex drama or the court stuff. He has said that I am the calm in the storm, that he trusts me, that he knows I am not like his ex but that he has baggage and feels that he needs to put the kids first because their mum doesn't.

He does nice stuff for me - treats that he knows I will like and he tracks down books and stuff for me - but he does get distant. He has been working on it though after I told him it upset me and he genuinely didn't realise it bothered me.

I don't know. Maybe marriage isn't the be all and end all but it was something I wanted but never dared to really hope that someone would feel that strongly about me.

Maybe having a loving and supportive relationship, 2 step kids that want to spend time with me & say they love me and that we have made a safe and comfortable home for the kids to live in full time should be enough.

Or maybe I just never believed that anyone could love me so I am picking holes in everything.

Worried_Worrier's picture

Submitted by Worried_Worrier on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 1:23pm

I had counselling a few years back but it didn't make much of a difference. I just feel like I am never good enough and don't really deserve to be happy and I see all my flaws. Upbringing related most likely! But at the same time I generally know when I am being over sensitive or am over reacting so I am aware that how I see things isn't always how they are. Patterns are hard to change though and since early childhood I have always put others first often to my own detriment. My partner pushes me to do things that I want and enjoy and supports me (like when I hated my job and wanted to change but it was a pay cut) but at the same time doesn't really "get" it.

Worried_Worrier's picture

Submitted by Worried_Worrier on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 2:26pm

Maybe so but he is 43 and I am almost 31 so it doesn't feel like time is on my side. I mean I am pretty much her opposite in every way and I get that it has been horrible and he has had to rebuild his life and is still paying off debt she left him with and the ongoing court stuff. But still I back him 100% and did so when the kids moved in full time.

His ex is crazy too (not diagnosed but something narcissistic) and she used the kids against him so much and to get her own way.

I just wish I was sure how he felt about me - my own doubts about being worth loving plus his not talking about feelings gives me plenty of scope for overthinking.

yolo222's picture

Submitted by yolo222 on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 6:48pm

You want different things. If u want marriage moving in together is a bad idea. Your DH has everything he wants and needs without the life long and financial commitment. Personally I would leave. He has you right where he wants u and he has changed his mind about marriage. This is not a good situation. I would tell him how u feel and be blunt. And if u want different things leave.

uofarkchick's picture

Submitted by uofarkchick on Mon, 01/09/2017 - 7:07pm

When someone tells you who they really are, you should believe them. He's being honest, I'll give him that, but you're not going to be able to love him into changing his mind. Be honest with him and tell him what you need. If he can't give that to you, then do both of you a favor and leave. Maybe you'll find someone great, maybe you'll be alone for a while. But at least you'll be in a position to meet a man that wants to give you what you want. Losing him doesn't matter because you will find yourself. And you are the one that deserves to be cherished.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Tue, 01/10/2017 - 12:38am

WW - marriage is not the alpha and omega woman...... SO told you from day one he's got no interest in getting married ever again, you knew this, if it bothers you then why did you not leave? You decided to stay so stop crying to get married, truly it means nothing if you look at divorce rates

I've been with my SO for 12 years, living together and living apart lol... we are still together, when we started dating SO told me he has not interest in marriage ever again, I smiled and said, good me neither.... now he's the one moaning and bitching cause I do not want to get married..... I know how your SO feels and I think my SO feels like you... maybe we should swop partners... at least I will never hear about marriage again...

You need to learn how to love yourself, stop seeing black lady start seeing grey and then white and then full colors...
You moved in with SO, keep record of everything you are contributing financially and paying for, yes I know it sounds horrible, but hey at least you will be protected if SO decided within 10 years time out with the old in with the new..

There's laws protecting people living together, you can actually take him to court and claim like any normal legal divorce.... common law marriage is not a strange thing and it's world wide, thus start saving all receipts of what you are paying and contributing (actually ever person should do this married or not)

Start off making yourself happy, it's no one's responsibility to make you happy but your own, find hobbies you can do, live your life with your partner, a ring will not make love stronger or weaker... if you belief that then you have some serious issues