Should I break up with him or is it me?
I'm considering leaving my nearly 7 year relationship with my boyfriend but worried I will regret it so I wanted to get some others opinions first. We've broken up once before for a week and got back together when we were able to come to an agreement, so I doubt it would happen again if we were to break up this time. Maybe its me being unreasonable?
I've posted before, and lurk on the site but don't post regularly so I won't get into my whole story. Both BF and I are in our late 40s/ early 50s. He has a 14yr old daughter who is not that bad but also a 12yr old who is super immature and highly co-dependent on his father. Its part on the BFs side too as even when the kid isn't with us, he's still texting back and forth with him. Even though BF and I don't live together because I have never seen any indications that things would be better than they are now, which was a requirement of mine to consider giving up eveything that I have and moving in, I still have the requirement that we are to make decisions together and act like a couple in a long term committed relationship, not just like someone dating indefinitely. One minute he will agree with this, but then when push comes to shove, he either forgets or doesn't care. Some may ask how I can demand this if I don't live with him, but when his kids are there it still greatly affects us and me because I'm still there at his house with the kids running around and it also affects if and when we can do other things.
So for things like keeping the kids over Christmas break, we had decided that it would be fair and reasonable to have them 1/2 the break. We had decided beforehand what days the kids would be there, we both compromised, came to an agreement and things were great. He took the kids home a day later than we had planned for, but it was still before I came to his house that night so I didn't make a big deal out of it...didnt even mention it or show any disappointment. However, then comes this week and all of a sudden the 12yr old is texting his dad that he is bored! Even though BF works from home, and besides the point that we had already decided on when the kids would be there, BF left work early to go pickup the kid without even mentioning it to me until later that night when I get ready to go see him and its an "oh by the way!". So I see this as him either not respecting our agreement or it was more like his kid's wants came first and no matter if I would like it or not, he was going to come to the rescue of him being bored at home and therefore the agreement of 1/2 the break turned into several days more!
Now, this is just an example, but is strike 1 for me on what Im willing to put up with. The same thing has happened times before and I anticipate will also happen again during spring break and the summer. The kids mother refuses to make any effort into getting them involved in anything when school is out so they sit at home all the time bored and BF obviously feels bad. To add, I understand that they need to spend time together and I'm sure others will say that he should be able to pickup his kids whenever he wants, but how is that supposed to make me feel? Like my opinions or wants don't matter? We have come to an agreement on what is acceptable to both of us, but then he goes and does what he wants anyway! This is what Im having a problem with.
So is there something here that I'm missing that is me being unreasonable, or is he being unreasonable and just doesn't care? I'm really struggling with whether I should just get over it and continue on like we are or move on and find someone else that makes my wants and needs a bigger priority.
Thanks for any feedback!
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Comments
Things never change and only
Things never change and only get worse. Frankly I'd run. People show you how things are early on. If that's how things are, that's how they will be. Or worse
I would run
I would run
This is the truth, OP. It
This is the truth, OP. It sounds like you need someone that doesn't have all of these other priorities to deal with. That does not make you a bad person or selfish. Just different than him. Perhaps it's time to meet someone with either older kids or no kids. HL is often right on the money so take her advice to heart.
Things won't get better if
Things won't get better if you move in with him. They will get worse.
He continues to behave this way because he can. He tells you one thing then does another repeatedly. It's a pattern. You can count on it and in fact you are predicting what will happen for future holidays.
Him being a parent does not make him a more important person than you are. What it may do is make him unfit for romantic partnering.
Next time you arrive and unexpected skid is there, turn around and go home. OR! Go out somewhere and have a ball. Even better. Either way you just take one look at skid and say, "Oops! I thought it was adult night. Ta ta!" Say it cheerfully and go out and be happy. It's just possible he may wake up and smell the coffee yet.
Or just break up with him. Can't argue with that advice. You've got plenty of reason to:
1. Won't authentically problem solve with you
2. Discourteous to you
3. Dismissive of you
4. Conflict avoidant = controls by not being honest
5. Enmeshment with kids
6. Not dependable
7. Low on his priority list
8. Your needs are not being met
9. He lost you once already but it did not motivate him to make real change
The big wake up call should
The big wake up call should be that if his son is bored Daddy runs in and rescues his child. Even in the parents are still together what kind of father thinks his 12 yr old needs to saved from the horrors of entertaining himself?
The happiness of his children matter more than his happiness. OK this is somewhat to be expected. However at his age he should be preparing for retirement. Planning out his future. What happens when he retires? His son will probably be half way through college with all the financial entanglements that will have.
It is OK to have expectations. However I do not think this man is for you. You have been involved with him since his son was 5. Nothing has really changed in that time.
And whether he is changing plans to accommodate his flesh and blood or his best friend from High School, it is unfair to change plans without giving you the heads up
How hard is it to pick up a phone and text/call and let you know plans are changing.
Also there is no apology or IOU. Just the expectation that you will go along with his changes because you are childless and don't 'understand'.
So slowly withdraw from his life. Don't be there every time the kids aren't there. Find something else to occupy your time. He will eventually ask why you aren't around so much. This is when you tell him that he wants to be a father more than a partner. And this is OK however this is not the future you want, coming 2nd to children forever.
There are men out there who have to balance correct.
You know what to do. You have
You know what to do. You have delayed the inevitable out of fear and insecurity for all this time and you are wasting your life. Not even a marriage, you are DATING. That is all. And at your age? You do not have time to waste. Bite the bullet and move on. It will hurt for a while and being single will suck. I get it. Trust me, I know. But you are not happy. That is the bottom line and you two do not see eye to eye, you are simply settling. You just needed to hear the truth you already know off someone else. Ok, now you have it. If you disregard it, and hit sixty and you are still with him and unhappy, look in the mirror and you will see who is to blame. Good luck.
I can relate to this. I have
I can relate to this. I have been in a relationship for almost 8 years with a 17 yr old step daughter and 11 year old step son. There are times we will have a conversation and come to an agreement and then everything will change. Of course this upsets me. It doesn't happen all the time but it happens. What I don't realize is that he is trying so hard to keep everyone happy and unfortunately it can't always be me. There are many challenges to being in a relationship with someone who has kids. My future husband is a wonderful father and I know if we decide to have kids he will be a wonderful father. I am willing to accept this challenge and well aware of what I'm making a lifetime commitment to. This means I not only have to be ok with his kids but also things that happen with his ex. I'm very open with him about how I feel about things which helps me cope and keeps me happy because I get to express my feelings and they are taken into consideration; that being said I don't always get my way. I am able to identify when I'm being a brat and able to let things go. It sounds like you are not ok with what he is doing and can't really communicate that to him or don't want to. His kids are important to him and he wants to spend time with them. In my opinion you should support that. If you love him then you are going to have to love and accept his children because they are a part of your life too. I think you should just go another route because this will only progress and get worse. You can't blame him and be upset with him for wanting to spend time with his son. Things like this will happen and if you are not ok with it he may see it another way and it will drive him away from you. Do what makes you happy. I think you know what you want and deserve. Being a step parent is tough and it is hard to be with someone who has kids.
How I would expect to be
How I would expect to be treated in your position would be for my boyfirend to call me after receiving the text from his son and discussing ideas for the weekend and seeing if we could incorporate ss or if plans could be changed. If we had something special planned then I would point that out and ask that he not take his son, otherwise I might ask that we reach a compromise on how much time his son is there or rearranging plans. If this sort of thing only happened during the holidays then I would be a little more lenient than if it was every weekend disrupting my plans
I see his main failings in this particular situation as his poor communication with you. Not only did he not discuss changing plans with you before confirming with his son, he then did not update you on the changed plans until you contacted him to say you were going over. Both are rude and disrespectful of your time and position as his life partner. Poor communication has nothing to do with his being a parent it is just his lack of consideration for you in this instance.
If you two can find a way to get better at communicating then maybe things will improve but you both have to want to work at it and both hold each other as a priority in your lives.
This is essentially what my
This is essentially what my dh would do, too. It's not about preventing him from getting extra time with his child -- it's about courtesy to you in planning your daily lives together.
99 times out of a 100 my DH asks me about some kind of schedule change like this I say "sure." Then I can plan my own life around what's gonna happen next. Could be anything to do with groceries, household chores (hmmm, not gonna carpet clean after all, will do laundry instead), to reminding him to dash home and pick up all the naughty stuff strewn around around the living room, to me going out with a friend instead of staying home with my Mr. Sweetheart. THAT is the courtesy of it.
The dismissive and disdainful attitude of the OP's boyfriend and the yes-ma'aming with his fingers crossed behind his back are the problems here, not the amount of time he spends with his kid.
ETA: Oh, and there's that 1 time out of a hundred where I say, honestly, that would be a hardship for me and he either agrees or he comes up with a workaround. We just did that over the holidays. His workaround was great--all parties satisfied.
Hon - you are asking the
Hon - you are asking the wrong people for advice......
Go away on your own for a week-end, then sit and decide for yourself, nowhere did you say you love this man, why are you with him... companionship? Then get a dog.....
You are in a stage of your life where you do not need this, SO already proofed that SS will be first, and he does not take you into consideration at all, I'm sorry but I will not spend my silver and golden years like this.
I have this theory I keep to - if it did not work out the first time it never will, the same irritations will be there, I'm not dating some one to change them, thus if there's a break up then I never go back,
but you will have to decide if it's true love, mutual respect, clear communication, friendship and if you are first or not.....
if it's only because you like his companionship - seriously get a dog... they are much better companions then and man with brats