You are here

Has anyone's feelings towards their skids changed over time to positive feelings?

Journey Perez's picture

Submitted by Journey Perez on Wed, 10/26/2016 - 2:39pm

I'm asking because I find myself annoyed every time DH talks about his kids or I see pics of them. They are all out of our home now. 2 are adults and one is still a minor but lives in another state, so I rarely ever see any of them. Things are so much better now that they are all out of my daily existence and routine. I can say I'm in a much better place now. However every time I see them or even see a pic of them, I just cringe and shut down. Its like I have PTSD or something. DH just came back from his home state where he visited 2 of his kids. He came back with his youngest son's school pics. He placed the pic right on his nightstand and I see it every day now. He looks like a serial killer, a total mug shot. Every time I see the pic I just feel uneasy and disgusted. What can I do to change the pattern of ill feelings I feel toward this kid, even from a far? Has anyone tried mediation or any thing else. I've been to counseling, prayed, disengaged... tried a whole bunch of different things but nothing seems to work. I know this may sound silly but now that I'm in a good space at home, I hate feeling this way. I know I could just not look at the pic which is hard since its right by my bed. I also know I don't have to like the kid but damn.... I just want to get to the point where when I see him or even look at his pic, I'm not disgusted. I will be happy with just feeling indifferent or feeling nothing at all.

Comments

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Wed, 10/26/2016 - 2:46pm

I'm the same way sometimes... not always... but enough and it bothers me too. And like you, I rarely see the skids. Maybe that is what makes it worse? Because when we do think about them/hear about them, etc it's a reminder that they do still exist. I have to remind myself a lot to stop thinking so hateful and being so petty.

Sometimes I feel indifferent. Sometimes it's disgust. I think when something happens with the skids (whatever it is) it just brings back up the old feelings and I focus on that.

(((HUGS)))

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Wed, 10/26/2016 - 2:49pm

I think he first thing to do would be to ban pictures of children and other family members from the bedroom. Who really wants to catch their kid or grandma's eye when having sex with their partner? Be tactful but firm that the bedroom is not an appropriate place for pictures of family. Other than that I do not have much help to offer.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Wed, 10/26/2016 - 2:54pm

Agree... about pictures in the bedroom.

I was able to remove almost every picture of the skids in the house. There are 2 photos of the skids in the family room downstairs. One is in a corner and you can't really see it and one is me and DH on our wedding day with his side of the family so there are a lot of other people to look at if needed, besides the skids.

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Wed, 10/26/2016 - 4:59pm

Yes, time has definitely helped relax my feelings toward SD. Now that she is an "adult" and DH has no legal obligations to SD or BM, things are calmer. The incidents that brought me to this site are long in the past. I disengaged the very first (and only) time she tried to involve me in the fighting between BM and DH where she cursed at me via text and demanded I sell my car so she can keep the one DH bought. I removed myself from any hint of obligations toward SD, and have since had children of my own. SD now lives on the other side of the country, and that helps a lot too. If SD moves back here when she graduates, and DH gets her a job at his company like he has been talking about, things may change. I prefer it when she is not a daily topic of discussion, I don't need to hear about her drama or BM, and we see her Christmas. Pleasant, like a distant relative. Please let her stay where she is now, please!

Edited to add: DH has two pictures of SD when she was 3 or 4 in our bedroom. I have never really liked that they are in the bedroom, but felt it wasn't a battle worth fighting. Now they are covered in dust, but still there. Thankfully I have complete control over pictures in the rest of the house, and for a while I didn't have any of her up. I've relented and have a couple of her with my children, but DH doesn't seem to care either way.

ntm's picture

Submitted by ntm on Wed, 10/26/2016 - 5:17pm

Move the photo out to a shared space "so everyone can see it." Eventually stick a plant in front of it.

yolo222's picture

Submitted by yolo222 on Wed, 10/26/2016 - 7:41pm

Years of resentment perhaps can make u feel this way. I had similar issues with my ex DH. I felt more irritated etc. Picts of his kids everywhere and even his exes sisters photos
in our room. Also much talk about how he misses his kids so much. Even if we went away for a couple nights that's all he could talk about was how he missed the kids and didn't want to be away from them. It's like I didn't even exist.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Thu, 10/27/2016 - 5:30am

There will be no photo of an child in my bedroom, no way in hell... imagine trying to get romantic and kinky and the mongrel is looking at you.... mood killer IMO

but for the rest of it... pffft get over the skids hon, pretend it's strangers you do not know, it does get easier through times lol, I managed to get it right and I still have the biatch living in the house.... If I can do this you sure as porridge can do it with skids being away

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Thu, 10/27/2016 - 11:20am

I have found the peg board in the garage a fabulous place for pictures of step kids. Makes me smile every time I pull into the garage. }:)

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Thu, 10/27/2016 - 11:28am

I think I've gotten a bit better about SD19 since she's been gone. She hasn't lived in our house for almost 2 years now and it's been heaven compared to the hell it was when she WAS there. She has still had some drama moments from afar, but they are tolerable since again, they are from afar. I actually accepted her friend request on FB and (gasp) actually hearted something she posted the other day.. because it was deserving a heart Biggrin When she was home last month for her grandfather's funeral she stayed at our house for one day. I was annoyed at first when DH said she was coming and had that same old nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach that I used to get when she was there, but it wasn't bad. I gave her a ride to drop her off with BM and we had a decent little chat.. which is WAYYYYYY more than we would have accomplished 2 years ago.. so I would say there IS hope.

Is your SS an awful person now that he is older? I really would have zero problems with skids if they behaved in a decent manner. Unfortunately like you said, I think years of crappy behaviors gave me PTSD and I just want to be as far away from the whole mess as possible. But like with SD, she has definitely matured (a little) and seemed to actually make a conscious effort the least 2 times she visited and stayed with us to be respectful about keeping the spare bedroom and bathroom clean and picking up after herself.. which is a HUGEEEEEE leap for her. So I respect that she is making an effort. Do you ever see your SS in person?

Journey Perez's picture

Submitted by Journey Perez on Thu, 10/27/2016 - 12:52pm

TRUST ME, things are way better now that all the skids are out. The 2 older ones that are adults are tolerable now and have made efforts to be more polite, friendly and grown up. As for SS he is still an awful person as far as im concerned. The last time I saw him was over the summer when he came down to stay with us. He was a total a$$, dirty, lazy, ungrateful, rude, lying and stole money out of my purse. He lasted 2 weeks at our house and DH sent him back to his mom's. His mom wanted to send him back to live with us full time after him being with her for 2 days. He destroyed property in her home, was smoking weed around his lil brother and kept on sneaking out nightly. So they sent him to live with relatives across the country. So far supposedly he's staying out of trouble, he's not on drugs, but he's still lazy, has no responsibilities and does half a$$ on his grades as per usual. As far as im concerned he's still an a$$. Just cuz he's moved away doesn't mean that I forgot about all the ish he's pulled on me when he lived with us the last 10 years. I forgave him but I wont forget and my guard will always be up because he always disappoints me with his continued disrespect and antics. He will be visiting for a week during the xmas holiday. UGHHHHH.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Thu, 10/27/2016 - 2:08pm

Ewwww.. no wonder you don't like him, nor want to look at a picture of him! But that does not make YOU the bad person here. He is being a jerk, you are just reacting to his jerkiness, that's perfectly normal. Don't beat yourself up!

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Sun, 10/30/2016 - 4:15pm

I think maybe my feelings are less intensely negative...but my annoyance, disgust, ill feelings haven't disappeared entirely.

The weirdest thing for me is...when they're over for the weekend I go into this survival mode where I don't feel negative feelings for the most part...and sometimes even mildly enjoy their company. It's when they AREN'T here and DH wants to reminisce or talk about them that I feel really sick to my stomach.