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It's getting better all the time...

breakingthroughtheinstincts's picture

Submitted by breakingthrough... on Thu, 10/13/2016 - 3:47am

Another 'session' last night. I took control and subtly steered the conversation through our families (very different - his HUGE, mine Mum and I only), through our schooling (actually very similar, similar children and positions socially - possibly him more popular), to his children.

Bingo. Started talking about the early time when I came into their lives; let him lead on what actually happened and what my interactions with his children were. The psychologist led by suggesting I would wish to nurture and educate, I confided that early on I realised SD11 needed LOTS of attention, so I gave it to her and it made her behaviour much better. This opened the book - DH led many stories of my creating, planting, doing art, taking her riding etc etc etc. The pysc asked what changed? DH slipped by starting to say again how I was critical of them and made them feel stupid. I politely pointed out that I didn't change, and he had just said how they had enjoyed my company in the early days so that couldn't be it.

The DH saw the light! "Well they must have gone back to BM talking about you and how wonderful you were". Hallelujah. He suddenly realised that BM was the one manipulating her children against me; they had liked me until she had become jealous.

I really hope it sunk in; we walked out from the session and he put his arm around me and gave me a little squeeze. I am so hopeful that gesture means he is starting to understand that it is NOT all me. Just because I used to ask for please/thank you 5 years ago he cannot hold me responsible for the shocking relationship he has with his children now.

How can parents be so blind? Guess I'm about to find out... although I like to think I will hold myself responsible if I 'get it wrong'!

Comments

askYOURdad's picture

Submitted by askYOURdad on Thu, 10/13/2016 - 5:30pm

When I met dh, bm was a hot mess. Drinking and partying, dumping her kids off on grandparents, string of boyfriends, finances and life was just a mess etc. I had my life together. Sds loved me, we had a lot of good times in the beginning. Sds of course shared a lot of this with bm and it caused a lot of drama. Where our stories differ is that bm realized what a mess she was and stepped up. It wasn't over night but over the years she has grown up. Sadly as this happened my relationships with sds changed. The only saving grace I have is that dh knows that bms "transformation" was because of me.

I hope that your dh having this knowledge helps and strengthens your relationship.

bearcub25's picture

Submitted by bearcub25 on Fri, 10/14/2016 - 10:59am

This happened with me and YSS. DSO got 100% custody of skids 6.5 years ago. They were taken from BM and she never did what the court required to get custody back. I was starting to really get along with YSS. In October of 2012, SS, 12 then, started got ballistic on me for simple things like telling him to get laundry together. He then started getting suspended from school weekly, he got to go to BMs during that time bc DSO and I worked and DSO couldn't afford to lose more money by taking days off when he would get suspended. SS then started refusing to eat dinner when I cooked.

Towards the end of the school year, May of 2013, SS got really amped up and told me what was going on.....BM had told SS that if he acted up enough, I would kick DSO and skids out, DSO and skids could then go live with BM. Of course she threw SS under the bus and told DSO that SS just twisted things she said.

DSO was able to admit and realize that it was all on BM and the SS and that I hadn't changed a thing in what I was doing.