Oh CB - this is not for you to resolve, it's entirely up to BM and DH and their finances, the only thing you can do is to talk to SD and try and teach her, get a scholar ship kiddo, study hard, there's other options as well..
but try and stay out of this, it could come back and bite you in the ass...

I know you are one of the few gals getting along with the SD, but this is a matter for parents, this way SD can never blame you and say... SM forced me, SM made sure I could not go, SM got the cat pregnant blablablabla

If you stay out of this and encourage SD to look into working day and go to night classes, paying for herself etc..
she can only say - Wow if it was not for this advice from SM I never would've done anything

I presume you have confirmed that the in-state tuition cause a parent lives there is correct? In some states, it isn't. Residency follows the primary custody parent.

Have your husband compare in state tuition between the two states -- I think NC has a reputation for being more affordable than most.

If there is a big difference, encourage her to focus on just the cheapest state options.

Can you get her to share with her dad her actual GPA? Do you know if she took the PSAT in 10th grade or the ACT? If so, see if you can get the scores. Understanding her stats (at least at this point) will give you some sense about whether merit money is a possibility.

Are you familiar with the website college confidential? There is a great financial aid forum on that site. One common strategy there is to encourage kids to look at schools that will give big money for her stats. Keep in mind that there are some privates that over great money to low income students. Many of these schools, if the money is right, will be cheaper than even an in state option. But most of them are really hard to get into). Given your husband's unemployment, he has time to really delve.

Are mom and dad college graduates? If neither is, there are opportunities for first generation students as well.

I realize this is not exactly what you were asking for, but I work as a high school counselor and thought I would share. I agree that the talk needs to be had about affordability and whatever your H does, tell him not to let her put NYU on the list. Way to expensive and poor financial aid options.

I will tell you what I tell my students who want to go to school at _____ so they can live in _____. I tell them that college is only 4 years and then they can live whereever they want when they get a job.

She's better off hearing it from her dad. She will ask him how on earth someone can make millions of dollars and not save a penny for his kids college. That is for him to explain.

She should be looking to minimize tuition.

Alabama has some GREAT scholarships for out of state students with top ACT/SAT scores. I'm sure there are other such opportunities out there too.

http://scholarships.ua.edu/types/out-of-state.php

Sounds like she can get into many good schools - but it's not likely that she will get a merit scholarship from one of the second tier schools that use them to attract students that can easily get into Stanford or Princeton.

Charlotte I could have written this blog a few years ago. I actually did, check out my archives and the saga with SS19 and his BM.

Here is my advice:
- sit your DH down and make sure he knows you will not be contributing and you refuse to let him consign loans. Consigning loans was an absolute deal breaker for me. Then ask him to figure out what he can reasonably contribute toward college. Is he re employed yet?

- SD should look at fafsa only schools. Basically these schools only require the fafsa application which only takes into account the custodial parents income. So your income and even DHs would not be counted. This is your SDs best chance for getting aid. It's mostly state schools, but UNC is an excellent school.

-

I am sorry that you are going through this because it is very difficult to watch stupid and do nothing. I normally probably wouldn't suggest this but because you do get along with your SD this is what I would do in your shoes...

I would sit down with SD (or driving or whatever is a comfortable way to talk to her) and I would ask her what her plans are. What do you want to major in? Have you looked into any schools that have a good program in that? What does your guidance councilor say? I think that is the key to steer the conversation towards finances. Then, I would experience share, I would tell her how your parents helped you and say SD, between your parents and guidance councilors I'm sure you have a lot of help and advice but as someone who has been through it all, I am here for you too and leave it to her to come to you. If she does, great, if she doesn't, you at least put the ball in her court.

It breaks my heart that DH hasn't saved a penny for his kids. I know he has child support and everything, but it's not like he can't afford $10/paycheck. A few years ago when finances were shared, I opened savings accounts for them when DH and I got our year end bonuses. The last statement I saw was a few months ago but they had $0.11 and $0.12 in them. I'm sure I will hear how I love and favor my kids more when they have money for college and his do not.

Disagree with anyone who says to let this lie, or let the parents figure it out. If you do that, SD will get her heart set on whatever school, apply early decision, get in and then your DH and BM will be shocked at how much it costs. Then there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth and all of a sudden talk of cosigning loans and you contributing and...

Sorry, your story just gives me PTSD. My best advice is to work this all out with DH now. Make sure he understands your position. I wouldn't talk to SD about it, that's up to him. But as the only person with a good head on your shoulders you need to get out ahead of this. Good luck!

I also have an SD16 who is looking at colleges and we are in a similar situation. SD will likely not get any federal grants because DH and BM make too much money. Unfortunately, BM is terrible with saving money and DH was also terrible at saving until he met me. He saves now, but we made an agreement that he won't be helping the skids out with their college loans. He'll probably help them out with a couple hundred a month for expenses when they are in college, but he won't be footing the bill because he needs to save for retirement which he hadn't before he met me. He wants to retire at a certain age with me, so he can't help the kids out. It's his choice and he's choosing retirement over the kids' college. I also told him about my fears of him co-signing a loan. Although SD is very responsible, SS12 is not and we don't expect him to be, and if he co-signs for her, he'll eventually have to co-sign for him.

SD knows that DH won't pay for school and she is upset and nervous about paying for school herself (she reminds us constantly - it's annoying), but she is preparing herself to get scholarships and she is looking at state schools. I think it's important that your DH tell her the reality of the situation. After he tells her, you can soften the blow by giving her suggestions, but it's really on the parents, imo.

My SD has a good relationship with me, and I am with her a lot, so she has lots of opportunities to ask questions and seek advice. You seem to have a close relationship, and your SD sees how successful you are. You should let her come to you for advice on this, rather than you force it on her.

CBCharlotte, parts of your story remind me of my situation. DH is older than me and has seen his job opportunities dwindle over the last few years as he heads towards 60. He's working again now after a year of unemployment but getting less than half of what he used to make. Like you I work with numbers and my earnings are enough to cover the household expenses (Luckily, child support ended in the summer when MSS graduated from University - MSS had to take out loans but NOT countersigned by DH).

You need to sit your DH down and make him see reality. He can't afford to pay for his kid's university costs. He is going to have to accept that he may never get as high paying job ever again. Also he needs to be concentrating on planning for retirement if he doesn't want to live out his old age in poverty. Heck, he can't afford the child support he's currently on the hook for.

Listen to Wokeupabug too. She's been through this (and continues to have to put up with nonsense about college costs and loans)

Your posts make you sound like a very nice, generous person. Please don't let anyone take advantage of your good nature and push you into covering college costs.