Huge breakthrough (and something you guys might like to think about?)
Ok so I am naughty..
I caught my husband after two bottles of wine last night (yes, this is how 'happy' he is at the moment with a beautiful home we are creating and a baby on the way)! I decided a lack of inhibitions might help, so I stayed calm and started going through our step-life from the beginning.
I explained the bright-eyed, bushy tailed girl who walked into my 'new family' 7 years ago; the excitement of gaining two children - having two confederates (younger sibling type relationship I thought?). Immediately we stumbled upon my big mistake of being shocked at the lack of manners and consideration, and the no-rules household (help yourself to anything, any time). I explained how I had tried to gently encourage these traits to stop ("how about a please and you can have it?", "please could you let me know if you use the rest of the milk?), also my excitement at helping them discover the world (they have a poor education, I was enjoying informing them that the moon causes tides, for example - they were 11 and 14 at the time).
DH stops me and says "and how do you think you made them feel?". I thought about it, and replied "perhaps they were a little shocked at being asked for manners when they had not been instilled?".
"Yes, you made them feel stupid, they thought you were a snob and stuck up".
I replied "they are not stupid, they had not been taught certain things, and when I realised you were not happy with me asking them to be respectful then I stopped (and have been a miserable doormat/wallet ever since).
I realised dear friends, DH is actually ANGRY at me for the way I treated his children in those first few months. He thinks I was criticizing them and their education (he has a hang up here as we both had private education, BM didn't want this for her children). He has been brewing this anger ever since, which explains so much - that is why, when I have finally had enough with his son and daughter coming and going when they feel like it (and SS20 living here with NO sign of being financially self-sufficient despite a ridiculous wage) he has lost the plot, become a brewing, angry monster with so much hate towards me...
I am so pleased, I have found the source of the cancer. I love him, and I truly believe we are strong enough to cut it out...
... Playing devils advocate as a final thought, I wonder how much of this is to do with his extremely snobby Mum who died 10 months ago - she wouldn't take any lack of manners in her house and had real fights with BM. DH is still grieving, maybe a part of this?......
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Nope DH is fooling you sorry
Nope DH is fooling you sorry Hon..... you only made him see he's a useless father who did not tech his kids anything his parents taught him and he was ashamed.... instead of doing something about it and start teaching them, he re directed his shame to you...
Thus indicating... he's still ashamed of the shitty parent he actually is, and he knows that you would've done a better job then him raising those brats, you stepped on his big old fat lazy ego... nothing more...
He should just get over it.
Ding ding ding. I am
Ding ding ding. I am constantly having to explain things to SD22. As elections are coming up, I had to have the discussion abot the whole basics of the political system. She had no idea what the parties were, what they basically stood for, what third parties were... Last year, also had to explain what 'financing' meant and that you couldn't put dish soap in a dishwasher.
Parents that don't take the time to explain basic life functions to kids also don't take the time to explain basic life RESPONSIBILITIES and how to function as an adult.
Then why hasn't he taught his
Then why hasn't he taught his son those things??? :?
These men are blowing smoke up your butts. They are making the choice not to step up to the plate and do the hard work needed to parent their kids. It's much easier for them to sit back, play dumb and point the finger at BM, SM, teachers.....
"DH is actually ANGRY at me
"DH is actually ANGRY at me for the way I treated his children in those first few months. He thinks I was criticizing them and their education (he has a hang up here as we both had private education, BM didn't want this for her children)."
Is that really what you think he's angry about? :? :? :? I would assume he has an issue with your words/actions shinning the light on his awful parenting. BM not wanting her kids to attend a private school, has nothing with the two of them not parenting their kids.
It looks like you are looking to blame everyone except for your SO for the way those kids were raised. Your SKs are the product of what your SO and BM's lack of parenting.
I'm stuck on the point that
I'm stuck on the point that he is angry 7 years later. 7 YEARS. If your 'bad' behavior ceased, OP, then he needs to figure out why he is still angry after all this time.
because he never did anything
:O because he never did anything in 7 years.... he will always be a shitty parent and he will always be angry
Which means he's angry at
Which means he's angry at himself and taking it out on the OP. I'd like to give him a Flaming Dragon Claw Crotch Kick.
Oooh, what time are you free?
Oooh, what time are you free? He's home in an hour... can you get here?
Sweetie, if my broom wasn't
Sweetie, if my broom wasn't in the shop and the transporter was working, I'd be there in a flash!!
you know she going to get
:jawdrop: you know she going to get kinky with those....
Oh, robin, I need my whip
Oh, robin, I need my whip back!!!
~laces up thigh high bitch
~laces up thigh high bitch boots and stomps authoritatively~
No good Aniki, you would
No good Aniki, you would definitely have the wrong effect on my man..... }:)
Bitchtress Aniki knows how to
Bitchtress Aniki knows how to make a man suffer. I once left a man blindfolded and tied to the bed for 6 hours. }:)
Don't get me wrong, I have NO
Don't get me wrong, I have NO desire to 'improve' or correct these brats now - damage well done... I am just trying to repair DH and I's relationship before his fourth child arrives and we break up and I have to face the role of being the BM in his next skid family!!!!!
I suppose I am completely aware that he is aiming his anger at me because he feels guilty that he was/is a shit parent, didn't give his kids the education he wanted to give them etc etc. I blame him completely and think him choosing to resist my 'kind guidance' when we started was the wrong decision - but hashtag is right; it was HIS decision and that is why I took a back seat.
Then came the waiting game of being trampled underfoot until they turned 18... counting the days (meanwhile finding this site to vent - thank you so much all). SHOCK HORROR, when they turned 18 they DIDN'T go out and get their own lives as they have been enabled, so their behaviour has become worse and worse. DH's behaviour has also become worse; as I am no longer resisting, his need to tell me what they communicate to him (asking to use the wash machine, if they can have a group of friends round) turns to zero (actually half the time I don't think they ask, I think DH lies to me to cover for them). SS20 is moved in because he has said "where am I going to live?" when the old house sells - I agree on one condition: He shows his dues (either pays rent, shows us evidence of rent money being put in saving fund to rent/buy own house SOON, or does equivalent number of hours work on our farm). DH agrees. Never happens. Breakingthrough nags, DH gets angry, says he's sorting it. Wash and repeat. Meanwhile dirty SS litters, wastes time/money under our noses and comes/goes at all times of day/night (see other blog post).
Thank you Fruitsalad - my gripe now is that I don't want the poor treatment any more. I showed him Rags' 'Bill of Rights for Step Parents' yesterday (where did he post that, I need it again?!). DH went through all the points, disagreeing. How could he seriously think I am not entitled to 'respect from my husband/wife and stepkids' or 'to be involved in all family decision making'?
I am waking up from my grave people... I have a fluttering, miraculous new life inside me and I am not letting this kill my relationship with DH any more. I don't care if he feels guilty for the way he brought his children up, DON'T YOU DARE BLAME ME.
What makes you think he feels
What makes you think he feels guilty? He may feel no guilt whatsoever, just angry that someone dare think his kids are not perfect just the way they are. He may feel he did a great job and how dare anyone question that.
Sorry, I don't see a breakthrough, other than he was honest about being angry at you, but I don't think he sees that HE (or his kids) did anything wrong.
I think her breakthrough is..
I think her breakthrough is.. she knows what's up with him and she gives a damn
Poor you. I think you're
Poor you. I think you're avoiding reality by thinking you can fix this. DH is the one who can fix this. You can't motivate or encourage or push someone more than they are willing, and he's shown that he's not at all willing.
I'm sorry you're coming face to face with this at a time when you most need DH to step up and be YOUR partner in life.
You might feel happier if you just ended the relationship now, and created the life you want for yourself. Maybe DH would decide he wants to be part of it, maybe not. But either way, you need to take responsibility for your own happiness - and not take responsibility for DH's unhappiness.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments.
I think I DO have to come face to face with this. I can not be happy when SS20 is on my property with no timeline for him to leave. I am not allowed to comment on his behaviour and he will not contribute or have any respect for our home/privacy. I hide in my house/lock the door and do not want to be doing this with a new baby.
Do you know, DH let slip to someone that SS20 actually said "yeah, well I'm supposed to be having fun at this time of my life" as his defense in their one and only 'talk'....
:jawdrop:
I also do not want to have to blush and look down when he talks about his children in public, nor when he talks about 'children of today thinking they are entitled to everything and don't have to do any work' (what an irony!).
I don't want to get shouted at every time the name of one of his children is mentioned. I do not want to hide from them when they are around because I am so angry with them/their Dad and scared I will be humiliated by him if I interact with them.
Last of all, I want to be able to effectively co-parent my new child, and don't think I can do this if we can't communicate/ his stock reaction is anger.
We are going to see a psychologist in 2 days. I can't wait and am full of so much optimism... I'll let you know what happens!