BM is driving us nuts!!!!
Sorry it's so long just want to try to fit as many facts in as possible...Just wondering if anyone else has been/are in the spot we are in and how they dealt with it. My husband and I have been married for over a year together almost 3 he has a 9 yr old daughter from a previous marriage. He and BM have been divorced for 5 years which she kept SD away from him for 5 months in the beginning but came around and when the papers where signed he got his visitation. He has always payed his CS on time and even gave more than ordered along with other things SD needed. Fast forward 2 years Me and DH are dating I ask to meet BM before I meet SD out of respect everything went fine then he moved 2 hours away to my home. BM throws a fit saying that SD can't come for visits DH would have to come down there if he wanted to see his daughter even went as far as the only way he could see SD on her birthday was for him to stay there at her place! Naturally I got mad because as a mother myself I felt that is out of line he should have SD on his times. We were finally able to get SD overnights at our house then found out I was pregnant BM threw yet another fit cussing DH up and down keeping SD away yet again telling him he was sorry, a bad father and how he brought this woman into their lives, then telling SD that daddy doesn't love her anymore that he is having another baby just to replace her she will never see him again because he will be to busy so on and so on we take her to court turns out she snuck "sole managing" in the finally orders which the new courts denied and did joint custody. While in our care we found out SD had witnessed BM and boyfriend in sexual acts because doors were left open, BM had hit her and left bruises on her with a door stopper, and also BM rolling "cigars". Before we could get the test results back from drug tests she decided to move 18 hours away (found out the day of trial) only gave 2 weeks notice which now she can't come but twice a year because of how much plane flights are and not enough time for a weekend visit...BM also moved her and SD in with a man SD has never even met before(BM has had 9 different men live with her in 2 1/2 yrs)...I know she did this to keep SD away she knew she was losing her control/power and SD couldn't be a pawn anymore so she moved away to make sure she keeps it. SD now don't really speak to DH doesn't ask about her baby brother or My BD who are always joined at the hip like BM is brain washing her!! We don't know what to do or how to deal with this its not healthy for SD at all just feel hopeless...
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Cut-paste-and-copy my
Cut-paste-and-copy my response to your post in "Blended Family Forum." Re-posting in your own blog as well as "Co-Parenting" forum merely reinforces my answer.
BM sounds rather whacky-typical. Your outward-facing, 'everyone-else's fault' perspective in contrast is very telling.
You are part of the problem. Guess what? I'm part of the problem in my family as well. I am shocked at how I can react in a very visceral manner to both my SD and my SGD ... SGSs, not so much.
I thought step-families were June Cleaver expands to the Brady Bunch with a dash of Modern Family. Nope. Frequently it's just a bunch of us rather petty, insecure folk doing our best to cobble together relationships which have meaning without scr*wing up our children too much in the process.
Not saying it's everyone
Not saying it's everyone else's fault we helped I know that but to this extent to cause these kind of problems because you can't have your thumb on him or that control and that's cool you don't know everything that has gone on and some would say and think that so I'm just going to leave this page because I guess I am completely to blame here...I should make my children's father do the same as she has my husband instead of working together for the kids so that they grow up to be happy and healthy adults
Talk to a lawyer about going
Talk to a lawyer about going back to court. Your husband may have a case to get his daughter living with him most of the time. Think about if that is what you really want.
It's time for your DH to let
It's time for your DH to let go of the girl. Keep open communication and the calls but don't force anything. If you don't have the money or the will to fight a long expensive court battle then the best thing he can do for his child is to keep her out of the middle even if that means letting BM have all the control. Eventually the girl will want to visit on her own and until then he needs to keep it light and encouraging on his end.
As of right now just don't
As of right now just don't have the money if we did he would be fighting tooth and nail. Thank you for not being rude or judgemental like most of the others. That's the only reason he settled is because the funds just wasn't there to keep fighting felt backed into a corner...SD already sees and knows the truth but to young to have her say...
Yep, your BM is textbook.
Yep, your BM is textbook. Sometimes you have no choice but to drop the rope. The atmos here has been much lighter since the purge of a few mean BMs on here who gang up on SMs.
I'm sure they'll be back though as the dynamics we describe hit a nerve with them; aka a little to close to home. (Methinks thou doth protest too much)
It's just getting worse and
It's just getting worse and he has stopped pushing because call times are getting shorter and shorter because BM always has things planned when it's his call time so SD is distracted and don't talk much. Also telling her if she doesn't go to daddy's then she will buy her things she wants and so forth. And it didn't start with me BM also did this when DH was with his ex girlfriend of 2 years kept her away for almost a year, but yep I guess I'm the one who brought this on lmao idk what anyone says he didn't just leave his child he always found a way to get her one way or another BM is just mad because he didn't chose her is what it boils down to! BM now has SD calling her boyfriend of 4 months daddy I mean wtf