Extended Family Interference - Does it Impact You?
Do your biokids belong to you, or to the entire family?
How do you discipline, parent, cope, etc. when other family members object to or undermine your parenting decisions? How do you maintain your autonomy as a parent within a larger family unit?
I have no bios, nor do my sibs, so my only experience of this issue is through observing my DH's dysfunctional family. We have members here who struggle with rogue relatives (usually MILs or sisters-in-law) who stomp over boundaries and try to insert themselves into the parent/child relationship. Is this common?
I always assumed that relatives would support and defer to their PR (parent relative). However, the lines in DH's family became so blurred that they pretty much disappeared, which years later has resulted in all sorts of loyalty binds and unhealthy agendas.
If you've experienced this, how did you handle it? What was the result, and why do you think this happens?
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It's only happened once with
It's only happened once with my family. My dad didn't think SS should be punished for something and kept making comments about it until we just gathered our stuff and left. We were at my brother's for a family bbq. We've made it pretty clear that if any of our families don't agree with our firm parenting then they don't have to be around it. I like to think our parenting speaks for itself, SS and BS are well-behaved and happy. We don't let them misbehave "sometimes" or even when they have company and they're showing their butts. Kids like rules and boundaries but that doesn't mean they won't test them. And of course they will test them at the most opportune moments like when others are there to see if you will react the same of let them get away with whatever they're doing.
A lot of our criticism comes from BM because we "control" SS too much. But we've seen her version of parenting (nonexistent) so anything we do looks too harsh to her in comparison.
My answer is ... "It
My answer is ... "It depends." If the kid is tolerably behaved then I default to letting the parents handle it. If the kid is not tolerably behaved and the parents refuse to deal with it effectively... I will deal with it effectively.
Family, friends, strangers... it does not matter to me. Society does not have to tolerate the consequences of parental failure. I refuse to tolerate it. If failed parents don't want me to deal with their toxic spawn... they need to keep them at home.
I wan my kids to have a good
I wan my kids to have a good relationship with the extended families, including the in-laws. I try my best to be extremely accommodating so that can happen. But there are limits.
Some, like my family, and BIL and his wife will ask if there's anything to looks out for/discipline for/special diet etc. I require for our children before they watch/visit them.
Like yesterday, BIL and his wife were coming over to visit the new baby, but his wife texted me really worried that she has a poison ivy rash and if I wasn't comfortable with having her in the house, she'll just have BIL come over. (Poison Ivy isn't contagious unless she came directly from the barn, which she didn't. She's had the rash for a few days and I'm pretty sure she showered during that time.)
Others, like my MIL, decides it's perfectly fine to drop by my house, unannounced--no call, nothing, with an ACTIVE WEEPING CASE OF SHINGLES, a week before I am due. She also does things we don't agree with in terms of when she watched BD1, so now she is not allowed to babysit BD2. She gave BD1 aspirin (hello, Reyes Syndrome which can KILL?) when BD1 had a cold without even asking us, and she taught BD1 how to suck her thumb as an infant because she misplaced the pacifier we gave her--and now the thumbsucking habit is our biggest habit to break with BD1
Things I wished I did: Had DH set boundaries and expectations with his mom before letting her watch her. Instead, we let her live the fantasy of being the greatest nana on earth which backfired and made her the most entitled nana on earth.
I never had to do this with my parents because they ask us about everything first.
I've had three kinds of
I've had three kinds of experiences when it comes to this.
1. Where I have played the 'parent' in a situation while the actual parent was right there - both situations in my home.
Situation 1a: Parent is allowing kid to behave really badly (like, obviously out-of-line, not just not up my standards). I said something to kid, parent and kid are shocked. Better resolution would have been to ignore and just not be around kid anymore. Current situation is that I visit mom and kid at their house only, and I spend half the time explaining to my kid why her kid's behaviour isn't ok, and that if he's not being nice she can go and play something else and have fun anyway.
Sitation 1b: Parent is allowing kid to behave in a way I don't like. I said something to kid, kid was shocked, parent surprised. However, what I said was enforced by parent. Parent explained to me later that it would be better if I had told the kid what I didn't like before I took the toy away, that way he can learn. I realized that in fact, I had been getting increasingly annoyed but hadn't said a peep. I need to explain what I expect to a kid.
2. Where I have been told of discussions in which my not-up-to-par parenting has been discussed. Don't care one whit, these are people gossiping behind my back in order to sow discontent. Let them do so, but hopefully out of my earshot.
3. Where I have been told of what I should/should not do. Example: A neighbour has a barky, jumpy, little dog. A few years ago, I was bitten by such a dog. I don't trust them. My kid is a bit afraid too, mostly because of the loud noise and fast action. The neighbour told me, "You're making your kid afraid, my dog is great and wouldn't hurt a fly." I said, "Keep him on a leash, then my kid can learn your dog is great AND be safe. Otherwise, stay away from us." (More politely though.)
I can't imagine allowing people around me who would try to tell me what to do as a parent. I am absolutely open to discussion about any challenges I face, but tbh, the challenges I face are about me, as a person.
And, I bite my tongue when my friend with the bratty kid (1a) tells me about how this or that is such a drama. She doesn't want help or for anything to change. She just wants to make the easy choices and get the results parents who make tough choices get. Not going to happen.
I don't think my DH ever
I don't think my DH ever learned how to be a parent, or experienced it as an active part of his identity. He was a teen father and COD, and I'm told his father and sisters were over the moon when his daughter was born. He lived with them, and probably was allowed to abdicate his responsibilities from the start. OSD has always enjoyed privileged status in the family, presumably because DH never established boundaries and just went with the flow. Year later I came along, and could not understand the aunt/friend/pseudo mom dynamic that existed between OSD and my SILs. DH allowed himself to be marginalized, and is paying for that now.
I have a bio, Deigma, and
I have a bio, Deigma, and when he was younger.... I did not tolerate any one interfering with us....
At home I was boss.... if we visited my parents, my Dad is boss in his house, his rules apply, but he never disciplined Deigma, I did it cause I knew the rules...
My one brother once dared telling me, you should not do that .... he tried over writing my discipline with Deigma, I turned around and looked him in the eye and said.... Rather teach your brats manners and leave mine alone.... (his kids are horrible lol.... they never got disciplined, he believed in letting kids do what they want)
Oh well we did not talk for months after that, but I do not care, now Brother is stressed out cause he tries to teach his free roaming kids something and it's too late....