Same crap, different day. So sick of my DH.
So I've been actively trying again. Trying to get along with everyone. Including my SD in things again, in my life & with my extended family. DH just made a plan with BM to switch drop off spots. We never ask for anything different unless there's an emergency. DH constantly going out of his way for pick ups & drop offs, but she nearly never does. BMs going to a friends tonight, so can the drop off time change & the spot change. He says ok. Not a word to me before changing things. Am I overstepping, thinking if it involves my time I should be consulted? If it involves me at all, if it involves my home, I should be consulted? I wouldn't say no, so I don't see why he can't simply respect that I want to be consulted. He's simply all to eager to please BM.
Then he brings up, "oh & I made an appointment for us tomorrow". This is a day we don't have SD. So this is something he discussed on end with BM. Plans were made a month ago & reminders were given. I was just told. This isn't some emergency that just came up, it was planned. He knew he'd have SD & said nothing. I mean, am I the only one that simply wants to be consulted like my opinion matters? Am I the only one that wants to feel like I get a say in what goes on with my time & my home? Am I the only one that wants to know more about what my husband has going on, than his ex? I'm furious & so completely sick of it. Am I the only one dealing with this crap? What do you guys do about this kind of thing?
What really sucks, is that I truly like my SD. The way I've been treated by BM in the past & the way I'm completely disregarded, it has taken an enormous toll.
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It is beyond annoying when
It is beyond annoying when the DH's make plans with BM and/or skids without thinking about our time, how we are effected by it. I've had it happen numerous times, so don't feel like you're alone. Why don't they talk to us first? I really have no good idea except they just don't think about things the same way we do. It's a lame excuse, but that's what I see.
But, I will flat out tell DH now, that if he did not consult me before he does this, then don't think I am helping you after.
This happens at least once a
This happens at least once a week in my situation. They don't have a CO, which I think is a lot of the problem. I'm sorry I'm not alone in this, because it feels like crap, but glad to hear I'm not alone…if that makes sense. I'm at my wits end with it. I'm sorry you deal with this crap too.
If it affects you, yes you
If it affects you, yes you should be consulted before plans are changed if at all possible.
This is when I'd do a 180 and
This is when I'd do a 180 and suddenly disengage again, and let him know it is a direct consequence of his action of not being mindful that it is YOUR life too. If he apologizes immediately and asks for you to forgive him, then I would with a warning that if it happens again, you'll be disengaged for an indefinite amount of time. A few times of this and they USUALLY get the picture.
I've disengaged so many
I've disengaged so many times, for this very reason, it's not even funny. I've completely secluded myself from him & his daughter, when they are here, so many times. It doesn't seem to work. He still does it. I wish that worked. Maybe I'm not disengaging properly. The worst is that I truly like his daughter, we get along great, but if this keeps up that's likely going to go bad too. She's going to wonder why I keep avoiding the lot of them. I have told her, you know I'm not upset with you I'm upset with your father, because she was concerned about it. ETA: or the I don't feel good excuse, or the I'm just so busy excuse. She's old enough to know somethings going on though.
I'm glad you think it's
I'm glad you think it's uncool too. I'm so happy that your husband discusses things with you. How did you get that to happen?
The problem with discussing things in my situation, is my husband doesn't do that. I've been asking for a long time. He simply does whatever works for his ex & him & I literally don't matter. If we do discuss things ahead of time & on the off chance I'm not cool with it, again it doesn't matter. I'd see if I was constantly like "no", but I don't say no unless he's already made the plan & I feel cast aside & unimportant, something else is going on, or there's another reason for a no. I'd nearly always say yes, if he simply talked to me & I thought the plan worked or the plan was fair.
I've bitched my husband out
I've bitched my husband out over this numerous times. Nothing has changed.
I'm glad it worked for you
I'm glad it worked for you though!
Good for you going without
Good for you going without him. & why would preparing a room & getting food for her friends be your responsibility? It's definitely not. & they complain about this? Forget that nonsense. Ef the lot of them, that's where I'm at too.
I think what I'm going to do is, make plans with my ex & inform him at the last minute. I'm going to do it over & over again. If he says anything, I'm going to say, "well you make plans with your ex all the time & I've asked you to stop, you haven't stopped, so I assumed that meant it was okay for me to make plans with my ex without consulting you". Even if I don't actually make plans, I'm going to say I did & just leave for a while. It's really the only thing I haven't tried yet.
He is the kind of person,
He is the kind of person, that sometimes needs to be in the same position to empathize. I really think it's the only thing that is going to work. It's not quite as malicious as it sounds. I'm friends with an ex I dated in my teens. I'm about double the age I was when I met him & dated him. Absolutely zero interest now, in each other like that.
I feel like they are plans with BM, if they are standing around talking about stuff that has nothing to do with their kid & I can't even begin to tell you the frequency of such encounters. I'm literally holding back tears thinking about some of their conversations (me, miscarriage, stillbirth).
When I put BS, I mean bullsht, not bioson. Sorry if I confused anyone on here with that. Our son died, it's a HUGE part of why I have such a problem with BM & my husband, after some of the things that were said & done. His eagerness to do whatever she asks, disgusts me after what happened.
Good idea. I'm definitely
Good idea. I'm definitely going to ask him…I wanted a partner in life. Not someone that excludes me, but someone to make decisions with, to go through the ups & downs in life with, etc.
years ago i was at the point
years ago i was at the point your are at now. i know it's hard, but the only one this bothers is you. and why are you letting it bother you? why do you even care if the dropoff location changes? or the time? (not sure about the appointment, you're unclear on that.) i'm not being harsh, but darlin' CHOOSE to not let it get to you.
dh and i used to get into arguments all the time over this. i'd come home from work and SURPRISE, three more mouths to feed and a tiny house full of rambunctious boys, when i WAS planning a nice meal and a movie curled up w/ dh. PISSED me the eff off. but then i decided 'eff it, why do i care? he's got just as much right to this home as i do, they're his kids for HIM to make decisions about, not me.' finally reaching that point of acceptance, i chose to let it go. did dh ever change? nope. i did by my own choice, cuz it wasnt worth the stress i was causing myself by getting all worked up about it. i still dont like surprises, but i got to where when i walked in and the kids were there, my response eventually was "'sup, guys."
It's who it's with (BM), she
It's who it's with (BM), she has said some disgusting things about me & the situation we are currently in, & it's the timing. We somewhat recently lost a son, the stress of that. I really value my time alone with him & need it after that. We have my SD nearly every day, so when we don't, I want that time. Right now, we are waiting to find out if I'm still sterile from the procedure I needed to get the rest of the placenta out. Had a surgery to correct scarring, but seeing if I can have a baby now. We are going through a lot & I need our time alone to be just that for a while.
Sounds like you're just not
Sounds like you're just not spontaneous. Neither am I. I like plans and I hate last-minute crap. I can do spontaneous IF it's planned in advance. Lol.
Some people just struggle to wrap their heads around the idea that not everyone is the same. I really wonder what went wrong when people were growing up that so many have never learned that respecting differences means accepting that what you want and how you approach life is NOT the only way and that other people's wants and approaches to life are just as important and central to them as yours are to you.
So... you have no beef with your DH being footloose and fancy-free when it comes to plans, but you do need him to make sure you know what is coming down the pike.
He doesn't respect that letting you know in advance is a freaking huge deal, and doesn't make the effort.
I'd tell him, just to be sure of my own clarity on this point, "Look, DH. I get that things change. But when things that have anything to do with you or me change, I want a heads-up because I don't go with the flow as easily as you. This matters to me. It's not something difficult to do, because you are an excellent communicator. It's something that's a little inconvenient to do, but you know what, I do tons of things that are a little inconvenient just to help you or to be kind to you, so I think this is a very reasonable request. I can tell you right now, if you are not paying attention to me now, you will be later if you keep this up, because this bothers me a lot, and I will be getting angry and hurt about this until you fix it. But, I think you can just step up without going through all of that, I'm just telling you so you understand it's a big deal for me. Love you."
Good paragraph on what to
Good paragraph on what to say. I'm going to use it, nearly verbatim next time & there will be a next time. I'd know he was paying attention if I told him he was a good communicator, because he'd have to laugh after that. He knows he's horrible at it, I've never told him he has just come out & said it.
I can do spontaneous if its planned, lol, that's funny, but it's me too. I'm not very spontaneous with people in the house. I hate drop ins. Hate people just showing up whenever they feel like it. He doesn't care. So yeah, it's just who he is I guess.
People have all different
People have all different ways of communicating and defining communicating. My DH would say he's a good communicator, because he will answer your question. I think it's pulling teeth to get an answer out of him. So, I've decided to go with the positive, complimentary approach because people like to feel good, and if you tell them something good about themselves and how that quality helps them (and you), they'll smile when they think of your request.
From moe's diary, when DH was becoming BF and living in a different country:
me: Hey, DH, it's 5pm here. Is it 10 pm there?
DH: No.
The end.
Seriously, he thought that was good communication. Lol. He did answer the question!!! I expected more conversation though.
From moe's dinner conversation tonight:
me: So, DH, tell me all about DD's day today (after being at daycare and with MIL all day, DH does all communication with MIL and MIL would have done the communicaiton when picking up at daycare).
DH: She ate macaroni for lunch.
The end. Lol. Actually, not the end, I keep asking more and more questions, and I have given him up to five minutes (seriously, looking at the clock) to respond.