SD13 is tearing my family up.
I need an educated opinion here. My oldest SD is unbearable. I lost it last night because she was argumentative with her sister pretty much all day. Then to top it all off my two girls after returning from a solid week away to visit family the arguing continued. My D11 & SD13 were sitting watching TV when SD13 got up & grabbed a pad & pen & began writing. I honestly thought she was going to hand a surly note to me when she was done but no. She dropped it in my daughters lap as she walked out of the room. In this note she went on to rant about how due to a conversation my D11 & SD9 had (no idea the context) she felt D11 was a bitch & went on to call her one 4 times throughout the letter. After searching for her with my husband & 2 daughters we found her hiding in her closet. Needless to say a lot of yelling & screaming happened. Got pretty ugly & deeply upset everyone. This is not the first time she's written awful things to the other girls & she's said mean hurtful things countless times & told her father she hates him. She's been diagnosed bipolar, gotten kicked out of school (suspended many times & attended a school for kids with emotional problems this year). The amount & severity of her disrespect for my family is disgusting. There are times when things are fine but it can turn on a dime & all hell breaks loose. It's as if when she's good it's only a matter of time before she'll destroy it all by hurting us. After our huge row last nite my husband had his girls pack to leave. SD13 pretty much packed everything as if to move out & they left. Woke up this am to find my husband sleeping on the couch & his kids are at their moms. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm disappointed in myself for letting my anger take over but it just keeps building as one incident leads to another. She expects us to just forget & forgive after awful things happen & I find it very hard to do that & she'll get upset if we show our lingering disappointment after an incident occurs. Even little things like sitting in my spot in the living room over and over again even though it's been said that her dad & I have our favorite spots on the couch. I know it may seem petty but I repeatedly have to ask her to move as she'll take over my spot (never my husbands of course). Its almost as if she feels the need to repeatedly challenge me in my own home & I know she knows it gets under my skin. Like I said it's a little petty but that on top of every other awful thing she does makes it worse. I don't know what to do. Counseling almost certainly if my husband doesn't decide to leave first.
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This. And I am a little
This. And I am a little confused by your post--did your husband yell at her? It really isn't going to help when her BP is not under control. Probably will make it worse and when she finally comes down from her mania, she's going to be both afraid and ashamed and think that because of her illness, her dad will want to throw her away. Sending her back to her mom's house doesn't seem like the proper answer. First getting her down from her manic actions, then re-evaluating her current treatment plan, and coupling that with sending her to some sort of self-help behavioral therapy for her to recognize the signs of getting out of control so she can at least warn the people around her or calm down on her own if it's not too bad. (But it's going to be hard--the first things we learn to trust as human beings is our own feelings, and recognizing that our feelings may not be normal at certain times is difficult, even for adults.)
Because of the actual
Because of the actual diagnosis of BiPolar, she would be hard to deal with whether a skid or biokid.
Having had a mentally ill child of my own, I would have been happy he wrote a note instead of physically acting on his anger. However that note should not have been given to the sibling (altho a revised note that left out the name-calling and was more of a "I am angry with you because of xthingsx" might be ok depending on the situation).
This kid should be in therapy to learn how to deal with her inner turmoil better, and on medication to help control the mood swings. You and your DH should at the very least be educating yourselves on how to manage the behaviors better. If you and DH aren't willing to put in the time and effort required to properly deal with a BiPolar person in your home, then for the sake of the child she shouldn't visit. If it's only you not willing to make the effort, then you don't need to be around her. Mental illness isn't something one chooses to have, it just IS. As a step-parent you can remove yourself from the situation entirely, if you so choose...the bioparents don't have that option.
An out of control bi-polar
An out of control bi-polar teen is a nightmare. She probably needs a residential mental facility.
Agreed unfortunately.
Agreed unfortunately.
She is receiving treatment &
She is receiving treatment & medication. I stepped in early on trying to end the nit picking & arguing earlier in the day but it pretty much continued only quieter & when dad & I were not necessarily within ear shot. My SD has been a complete handful since age 3 (she got kicked out of her pre-school). So, although I truly feel her parents care & are engaged in her mental healthcare they to a certain degree at their wits end with her. They have to pick their battles so the arguing & lower key issues get ignored. In hindsight I totally agree a calmer motive should have been used, however as the minutes passed & we could find her the anger & frustration & fear that she took off only grew so by the time we found her it just exploded into a total mess.
Honestly I feel she is finding it difficult to adhere to our standards of behavior. She encounters issues due to her disrespect (I won't stand for it in my house) so in order to get out of having to amend her ways she's creating enough drama to tear us apart. In her eyes that's the easier road for her. She won't have to change or respect anyone or live up to these standards we live by & the problems caused by her behavior will disappear. My husband said he thinks I'm giving her too much credit but I know she's not stupid & knows exactly how to push people's buttons. She definitely figured out mine.
My husband left to take his girls to a family party today. He expressed to me on his way out that he's not sure we can recover from what happened last night. I don't know what to do except say to him I don't want to give up on any of us & we have to talk all this out & formulate a plan of action.
We are married & we share a
We are married & we share a home. Having separate residences is really not an option for us as We love each other very much & when it's the 5 of us or basically anytime SD13 is not around things are as perfect as it gets. SD9 (little sister) is a wonderful little girl & that on top of the fact that she can remain as amazing as she is is not only a testament to my husbands parenting skills as well as their BM. He & I had a talk about SD13 & I said I wonder if he & BMs best just isn't enough for her. The idea of a treatment facility may be best for the family in addition to SD13 considering everything they've tried isn't sinking in. It's going to be a hard life for her I'm certain of that.
I can open my home to her when the other girls are not here. She can come & spend time with him but I have no interest in a relationship with her other than a cordial one. Mine are w their BM 1/2 time. But I told my husband I don't have to love her. And if she continues to mistreat us I can't see ever loving her. I'm not going to open myself up to be hurt repeatedly. I refuse.
My kids are w their BD & SM
My kids are w their BD & SM 1/2 time so arranging for her visitation during the time they are w their dad is totally doable. I've reached my limit for her abuse towards my girls & SD9. Im not going to allow it to continue. We've tried to forgive & forget but it's just not possible anymore.
Agreed. Guaranteed she met
Agreed. Guaranteed she met with zero punishment for her behavior. Total BS. My hands are tied as I'm just the SP & she can get out of facing her issues by simply leaving & going home to her BM. A week may go by after an incident without seeing her as there is no set visitation & they get to choose when they visit her BD & I. It's basically up to her mom. When they or she has plans that may or may not involve her kids. We're her babysitting service. Free of charge. I've tried in vain to insist on a set schedule. My kids find comfort it knowing where they're going to be & sleep & we've hardly ever waivered from it in 8 years.
There's a certain level of
There's a certain level of "accept her for her" & "I told you she was messed up" when it comes to her & her behavior. I resent that as being messed up is one thing but accepting her behavior as her just being her isn't gonna happen. I agree that my kids deserve better & it makes me sick to think they witnessed what happened. I'll introduce that idea to my husband as it has occurred to me before this particular incident. Until she can curb her abuse she & dad will see each other outside our our home.
I guess it was a very difficult long road to get this diagnosis as bipolar. My guess is she fits the mold.
Enabling her behavior and
Enabling her behavior and challenging you in your own home, without his support, is inexcusable, regardless of excuse. HE needs to get a grip. If he is like some men, and ignores it, that is the reason she continues to behave so horribly. It never improves unless it is addressed.
If he leaves you, you would most likely be better off in the end...and, his behavior would only continue to destroy any chance of a truly healthy relationship in his future, as well.
This is not your fault, so do not blame yourself.
This probably is not going to
This probably is not going to have a happy ending. A friend of mine had a daughter who was eventually diagnosed as bi-polar. The child was defiant and angry literally from age 1. This was an intact home with very good parents (other children are great).
They literally spent hundreds of thousands of dollars sending her to every treatment center in the country. She still ended up in prison. Not all damaged people can be saved. Yes it's an illness - but just like with cancer not everyone can be cured.
My grandfather was bipolar.
My grandfather was bipolar. My aunt inherited it from him. My cousin then inherited it from her mom. My cousin now 30 was diagnosed as a teen. This is minor minor minor in the live of a bipolar person. My grandfather was institutionalized catotonic. The rages he demonstrated breaking all the furniture in the house are legendary in my family. My aunt tried to self medicate with drugs her whole life and has drug addiction on top of the bipolar disorder. In her manic stages she would put her entire family into debt and engage in very risky sexual behavior that have left her with STD's and a divorce (three or four of them at this point) due to the cheating. and my cousin was a very, very sweet beautiful girl. It's been sad to watch her go down this bipolar path even though she's tried her hardest to overcome by getting her nursing degree. She has to get electroshock therapy now and she's had more suicide attempts that I can even count. Medication and therapy have been constants with my at least my aunt and cousin from the very beginning and it just touches the surface. It's hard on the family. Its even harder on the person suffering from it. I feel very bad for you. You are in for a long, hard road.
Good plan. I will definitely
Good plan. I will definitely keep this in mind. You're absolutely right. She wanted drama & she got it. Ugh! So pissed at myself still. Thanks for your advice.
Dealing with Bipolar is
Dealing with Bipolar is horrible. My XH is bipolar. His symptoms started becoming more severe over the course of our marriage.
The birth of our BS set it into high gear. He became unbearable after I became pregnant (it was a planned pregnancy)
I tried to stay for 11 years. He too felt he could rage against me day and night, wake me up to battle, trash the house, berate the kids and act a fool. He never expected any consequences from his actions. He just expected me to forgive and forget.
It was only AFTER I finally left him that he learned that he could not longer treat me like that. He kept himself in check around me except for a few instances over the past 10 years. So although I do agree that it may take much more patience with a child who is Bi-polar, that child can still learn boundaries.
And no consequences for her actions is NOT teaching her boundaries.
That's where a lot of her
That's where a lot of her issues come from. She was allowed to do anything she wanted way too long. This all should have started at age 3. I think a lot of what happens she can control. She's just a really messed up kid with jealousy issues as well. Her other 3 sisters are excellent students & young ladies in general. Amazing kids. I'm sure she feels inferior.
Her BM has different standards than we do as well so there's that.
I'm beginning to become convinced she needs more help than my DH & her BM can provide she is in therapy twice a week but that isn't doing the trick in conjunction with her meds. I'm wondering if a live in facility would help her understand before it's too late- if it isn't already.