My family and my ex
My ex and I usually have a decent co-parenting relationship. We get along for the most part, agree on swapping days for special occasions, I inform him of any needed info concerning the girls, we stay out of each other’s lives, etc. But despite this, I still like boundaries.
I have twin niece and nephew (stb14) that are fairly close to my BD12. The other night my BD asked if they could stay the night with us, I agreed but their mother could not meet me the next day to pick them up, therefore they couldn’t. Then BD calls her dad and asks if they can come to his house with her the next day since that was her time with him. Well my SIL knows that I prefer that my family spend time with my kids on my time and not going to my exes house, so she told them that they could not go. BD12 knows that I prefer them to visit on my time and come to our house, but called her dad and asked him anyway.
My question…am I unreasonable for not wanting my family to spend unnecessary time with my ex? They see my children plenty when they are with me, so there is no reason for them to go to my bios father’s, other than they just wanted to go that particular day. It’s not like they hardly ever see each other and that was the only way for them to visit. I know I have issues concerning my extended family, feeling not included or even wanted at times, so I’m not sure if my feelings towards my family is making me more sensitive to them being around my ex or not. Do any of your families spend time with your exes? If so, does it bother you?
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No I don't think that's
No I don't think that's unreasonable. I think it's part of a breakup. Your family is your family, his family is his family. If kids want to see whoever in the others family, they do it when with that BP. I think your line of thinking is normal & healthy. I really question being enmeshed with an exs family, unless a BP is dead & can't facilitate time spent. Boundaries are healthy & they are helpful in everyone getting along. If you're uncomfortable with it, that's okay, it's a boundary you need to have. I don't see anything wrong with having boundaries. If it works for others great, but I see a lot of complaints on here when an xs family is over involved (mine included). It rarely leads to anything good in my experience, but I'm sure it works for some. Do what works for you.
I look at it this way. When I
I look at it this way. When I was growing up, my cousin was my best friend. My best friend doesn't care if I am at my mom's or my dad's house, they just want to be with me. I carry that over to my kids. If their cousins from their dad's side want to come over, they come over. I have even taken them to amusement parks and such with us, if that is the "friend" they choose to invite. Who am I to keep them apart.
Then again, my sister still texts my ex and invites him to the bar so maybe we have different boundaries in our family LOL. It just doesn't bother me, or DH.
I agree with this.
I agree with this.
No you are not being
No you are not being unreasonable and it sounds like your SIL respected your boundaries (good for her). Now just the challenge of trying to explain the nuances of this to your 12 year old daughter without coming out sounding like the bad guy. That is more challenging because she truly may not get it, it may feel to your daughter like that was just like inviting any friend to have a sleepover when with dad.
If you're uncomfortable with
If you're uncomfortable with it then it is perfectly acceptable. I don't think you need to explain to your daughter why as much as I would explain why she shouldn't be asking something of him that she knows you don't agree with.
The cousins are going to
The cousins are going to spend time with your Ex, they are going to spend time with their cousin who just so happens to live at 2 houses and the time they picked to spend together just so happens to fall on the time when she is at her dad's.
I actually see no issue with their time together carrying over to the time at her dad's as long as all the adults are okay with it.
I don't know... I feel two
I don't know...
I feel two ways about this. I wouldn't want my SS4's mom to invite my friend's kid over for a sleepover to her house. That would be just too close for comfort for me but then again we don't have a good relationship in the least so I know her motives would be more than innocent play time. Then at the other end of it, I would never want my SS4 to think that he can't spend time with his other brother or friends just because they are from BM's side of his life. At the end of the day, the kids don't know why their families are separated or at least they shouldn't know about the adult issues that create the divide between mom and dad's house and I think it's best if something as little as a sleepover wouldn't open those doors. Realistically I would never expect anyone from BMs side to let their kid's come over based on BM's version of us but when SS4 gets old enough to have real friends that want "hang out" I wouldn't those kids's parents worrying about choosing a side just so their kid can play with SS.
A few years ago DH and I did
A few years ago DH and I did have an issue with BM inviting our best friends kid to her house. The reason was this.... it was for a BDay party for SS. We had already had a bday party for him, obviously that child was there. When he showed up at BM's house, WITHOUT a gift (because he had already brought a gift to the party at OUR house) BM had the nerve to say something TO THE KID. WTF??? That's when DH put his foot down and said "don't invite ANY OF OUR friends kids to your house, ever again". Poor kid was so embarrassed.
If our skid wanted to have
If our skid wanted to have his cousin from his mothers side of the family over at my house I would say hell no. #1 I can barely stand the skids, and #2 why in the world would I allow another spy in my house?
Thank you for all your
Thank you for all your comments! I do feel this will be a boundary that I want to keep in place. I don't say what house a friend does or does not go to, but when it's my family I feel differently.