Dealing with captain crazy pants (BM)
Hi all. I've been lurking for about a year but never opened an account,so new account, but not new to the site.
Here's the background. Been married to DH almost 3 years. He had 50/50 custody of his three kids, until a week before our wedding, when BM decided they would live with us full time. BM lives less than 5 miles away from us and the CO now gives her EOWE from 8-4 S and Su (no overnights). BM is bipolar. We go through periods of "normal reasonable behavior" and major crazy, irrational, accusatory behavior with BM
OSD18 will graduate HS later this month.
MSD16 got a summer job out of state as a camp counsellor (DH family member runs the camp)
YSD15 got a local summer job that started last week.
None have their drivers licenses.
Captain Crazypants (BM) had been pretty normal for the last 6 months when the girls were working out details for summer jobs. BM gave written permission for MSD and YSD to accept their jobs, since they will interfere with her parenting time. She must have gone off her meds, since the crazy has ramped up again.
YSD sent a text to BM letting her know she has to work 7-noon today (BMs day) and asked BM if she wanted to pick her up at work or at our house. BM sent emails to DH saying if YSD is not at the exchange location at 8, she will call the police, for parental interference. DH responded that OSD and MSD would be at the exchange, but YSD would be at work. She blew up his email with rants. He ignored them.
One of her rants stated that if YSD is not at the exchange, she will rescind permission for MSD to work at camp this year, and if DH allows her to go, she will call the police and go back to court.
DH is inclined to ride out the crazy storm and let the girls deal with their mom.
Can she really screw up the girls jobs if she really wants to enforce her parenting time? (She always shows up for it, but usually she spends very little time with them....drops them all the mall, movies, or friends' houses for most the day).
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Comments
Ignore the whore. These kids
Ignore the whore. These kids are all old enough to understand their mother is being difficult. The girl needs to go to her job and if her mom wants to see her then she can pick her up after work. I don't see a judge blaming your DH for missing her "mom" time if she's working. This is probably what I hate most about split family mess. It's not "mom's" time or "dad's" time-it's the child's time and while I can understand why a judge has to disburse allotted times to parents when the child is younger, it doesn't make sense when they are mid to older teens and have jobs, extra Curriculars, etc.
WELL, from someone who worked
WELL, from someone who worked many years at 911 and as a police dispatcher, officers if called, at least in my experience, are not going to do anything but tell her to get a lawyer and go back to court and file contempt charges which is expensive and time consuming and by then she maybe back on her meds or the stepchild could have aged.
and with those signed notes in hand and BM's mental illness, I don't see a judge ruling against your DH
That really depends on where
That really depends on where you are.
ExDF called 911 one summer when BM refused to hand the kids over. While he was on the phone, the dispatcher kept asking him he had a valid/current CO. At one point she even said "don't have me send officers over there and you don't have your stuff in order"LOL The NYPD met him at BM's sister's house, looked over his copy of the court order and told BM to hand the kids over. After she released the kids, they gave ex a police report and told him to take it family court the following Monday.
DH has always been flexible
DH has always been flexible and gives BM extra time when she asks for it, if the girls are available. She rarely asks for time.
"DH isn't doing anything to
"DH isn't doing anything to cut into BMs parenting time. He shouldn't have to be flexible."
A CP not taking steps to ensure that the children are available during the NCP's court ordered time IS doing something to cut into BMs time. As the CP, he has to be flexible when it comes to planning/arranging things on mom's time.
Yes, the CP should not plan
Yes, the CP should not plan things on the NCP time.
But, a child with a job working is not the same as the CP interfering with parenting time.
Should a COD not be able to get a job because working hours may interfere with NCP time?
We want our children to grow up to be responsible adults. Getting a part time job at the appropriate age is part of growing up.
Do you know how many
Do you know how many vindictive BMs would play the teen has a job card if they could?
Working is a great thing. However, it isn't an excuse to out visits with the NCP. There's no reason why they kids can't speak up and ask their employers to take their court ordered time with mom into consideration when making the work schedule. Speaking up and dealing with issues is a part of being a responsible adult.
If I were an employer having
If I were an employer having to deal with that scheduling mess... There are plenty of good people looking for summer work.
Depending on where the 15yr
Depending on where the 15yr old works (and any work permit guidelines), perhaps SD can work with her employer on days/hours. If the only days/times SD 'can't' work is Saturday and Sunday 8am-4pm, there is probably plenty of hours/days employer can still offer SD. Especially with summer coming.
The 16yr old is a bit different. If BM gave written consent for the summer camp job knowing where camp is and details of position, she'll be hard pressed to file contempt of court on over this kid not being available 8-4 Sat. & Sun. BM could rescind the written permission but then she'll have the teen from hell all butt angry and defiant. Wouldn't make for pleasant EOWE 16hr visitation with her daughter.
And the 18yr old? Well she can just tell Mommy to shove it.
The mom's scheduled time is
The mom's scheduled time is 8-4 EOWE, with no over nights.
Surely the kid can ask the boss if she can work from 5 or 6 until close 2 weekends a month. Hell, even asking him/her to schedule her around the CO one weekend out of the month and asking mom to bend a bit for one weekend a month is better than expcting mom to give up/cut back on her time all summer.
A custodial birth mom poised this same question about a month ago in regards to teens missing time with the NC dad once they start working. Pretty much everyone agreed that dad should not have to miss out on his court ordered time with his children. Why should the rules/opinions change when the roles are reversed?
I understand your
I understand your frustration. We dealt with this with SD. BM insisted she come for the entire summer visitation period when she was 17. She had to quit a job because mom insisted on parenting time & job would not work around schedule (long distance plan). We refused to supply her with spending money because mom was being difficult. It sucked for SD but I could not stomach paying for BM's refusal to cooperate. SD refused to ask mom to give her spending money.
I would think that at their
I would think that at their ages the CO wouldn't take priority in the fact that they are trying to work, take on more responsibility etc. There must be something the skids could do to see her if they really want to.
DH told YSD that BM was upset
DH told YSD that BM was upset that she was working and wanted her at 8.
YSD said it was a mandatory training and she couldn't miss.
YSD texted BM stating she couldn't miss work today because it was a mandatory training.
BM sent YSD a text stating that dad was making things up and causing drama and that working was not a problem.
YSD forwarded text exchange to DH
DH took YSD to work.
DH took OSD and MSD,to exchange at 8
BM screamed at DH in parking lot about preventing her from seeing YSD.
DH returned home
BM called police claiming DH kidnapped YSD and she was worried for her safety since she had no idea where he was hiding her
Police visited the house, asking about YSD.
DH showed the police the text exchange showing BM gave YSD permission to go to work today and that BM knew where YSD was.
Police pulled up records of all the other false calls BM reported, told DH that this seems like a matter for the courts and left.
When DH picks up YSD tonight, he will talk to her about making sure she isn't scheduled any hours this summer on BM's time.
It is unfortunate the police
It is unfortunate the police didn't charge her with false reporting.
Both DH and MSD handled this situation in a mature and responsible fashion.
Too bad BM is crazy. I feel for all of you in this "no win" situation.
Employers want employees to
Employers want employees to work when they need workers - not when the employee wants to work. That's just a fact of the working world. Occasionally there might be some flexibility - but not all that often. Most employers just move on to the next potential hire. I think it's silly to say "tell the employer not to schedule during certain hours". Maybe you can do with some experience, seniority and proven abilities - but seldom for a young, new worker.
I was always so desperate for money that I accepted any hour that I could get. I might have gotten home from college at 3 am after riding a bus for 20+ hours, but I showed up a few hours later for work as I needed those 8 hours that day. I would have totally disowned a parent who refused to allow me to work. Like never spoken to them again.