What school of thought are you?
Are you of the school of thought that part of being divorced is that you need to accept the fact that you have no say or influence of what goes on in the exes home? When you decided to divorce your former spouse that is part of the deal. Let me clarify that as long as neither party is not doing anything illegal, immoral or life threatening you need to just keep your mouth shut.
To be clear ( so no one reads anything into my blog or twists it to suit their own agenda) I am of the school of thought that you loose that right. What happens in the other home is not your business and you do not pass messages or make threats to the other parent through your child. If you wanted to be able to tell mom or dad what to do then you should have worked harder on saving your marriage.
- Sweet T's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I agree with this. I also
I agree with this. I also think most of them "leave in the first place" because they are trying to teach their SOnowEx a lesson instead of actually leaving permanently. BM over here cheated on DH because he didn't appreciated her, she says she moved out/he says he changed the locks on her, she lived with her new fiancé (yeah big jump there straight out of a 6yrs relationship) into an apartment. She sent him loads of messages about how he should have appreciated her while he had her and he wouldn't have lost his family and he would still be able to see his son everyday. Three months later when she found out we started talking (not dating) she tried the reconcile thing and the "you know we are soul mates" BS. When he didn't let her move back (fiancé also kicked her out of his parents for cheating on him) that's when she turned into the lovely BM she is now.
Personally I think BM's get angry when their Ex's move on because now the Ex is playing house with someone and making it work like the BM and Ex couldn't. Since she's the only difference in the equation then insecurities tell them it was probably them and not their Ex that couldn't make it work so they lash out or jump from relationship to relationship to prove that they weren't the problem. Reality is any two people can have sex, but not any two people can be together for the rest of their lives.
"All my now-ex focused us on
"All my now-ex focused us on was THINGS and not how he wanted to make it work because he loved me."
My DH might be your ex, LOL
When BM said she wanted a divorce he said the first thing that came to his mind was how a divorce would ruin them financially.
He said we were on track to pay off the house and retire early. And she was going to ruin that.
I said really?! This was your high school sweetheart heart, the mother of your children and that was your First thought?
He said, yeah I guess the marriage was pretty much already over at that point. I guess so!
The crazy thing is that he's not materialistic at all. She was the one who was always shopping and keeping up with the Jones.
Maxwell your last paragraph
Maxwell your last paragraph is spot on. I got called my DH's "little girlfriend" when she found out we were moving in together and she acted like the scorned woman, even though they'd been divorced for 2 years, miserable for way more years than that, and she wanted out as much as DH did. It's totally a case of these women don't want their man anymore, but god forbid another woman wants him.
I agree. Unfortunately, our
I agree. Unfortunately, our BM never got that message.
The issues really arise when
The issues really arise when one party is angry, bitter, unstable or a crappy parent.
I am so lucky because mine is all that and more :). I have paperwork from a mental heath professional that states pretty much all of that.
That's my BM to a T. She is
That's my BM to a T. She is a very angry, bitter and controlling narcissist. Her entire family is the same way. As I said in past blogs, if she (or members of her family) can't control SO (or anyone else) she will control how others see him. Hence the PAS.
She remarried long ago, soon after her divorce to SO, and she still has this need to control him. One would think that this need to control SO would lessen. Instead, it intensified and her new DH is as bad as she is!
Both BS and I have done
Both BS and I have done therapy, together and apart since the divorce for several years. The marriage was abusive and hard on both of us. One thing the therapist told me is is that what happens at dad's house I have no control over. We were discussing the fact that ex would lay around and sleep and leave a 6 year old unsupervised. I had zero control over that. So I sent a cell phone with for in case of emergency ( ex is hard to wake) and put it in God's hands. ( I rarely left BS home alone with ex because of the sleeping and not watching BS when we were married). Now BS is almost 9 and ex lives with a very nice woman so he is not unsupervised, so it is easier.
My ex always feels his relationships are more real than anyone else's. When we were married we met about the same time BM & her fiance ( they have been together now for 10 years and have lived separately because they both had kids and lived 1 hr apart they are now getting married). He had no problem with me being around his children ( I had no kids) then her BF who had 3 of his own. He had rules for her relationship that he did not feel should apply to ours. He does the same thing now to me. He will ask BS questions to set him up to tell him things that are really none of his concern. My fiance ( who I have been with for almost 2 years who loves BS and has a great relationship with him ) took BS shopping for my mother's day gift. He flipped out and yelled at BS. I have been waiting for a nasty email or something... I am sure I will get it when he picks up BS tonight. The irony is he had sent me an email about pick up for Mother's day and told me that even though he doesn't get along with me that he thinks I am a very good mother and am doing a good job raising our son... the next day he unleashed on BS because I let his future step dad take him to Home Goods.
sweetT - FIANCE??? did that
sweetT - FIANCE??? did that italian stud put a ring on you?????
dear lord have i been in a hole to where i totally missed that? :?
CONGRATS! i hope you are super, duper happy and he's kept up with the spoiling and treating you like gold.
Is it a personality thing?
Is it a personality thing? Like I am very type A. I like to be in control... but for the most part I can control my tendencies to want to be in control. Like I have often thought that if I had been a BM BEFORE being an SM, that I might very well have been a much hated BM. Like I probably wouldn't have thought about how my ringing up DH to bitch about stupid shit that happened while at his house was really unnecessary and uncalled for as in my mind, it would have been rationalized as "being a good mom and looking out for my kid". So, I used to try and give BM2 the benefit of the doubt when she would call DH ranting about some stupid shit that she found to complain about... I just thought well, she's a controller, she has to be in control, she just doesn't think about how awful it makes her seem or how intrusive it is to our household. BUT then I remembered that SHE her very fucking self was a (pseudo) SM in that her boyfriend at the time had 2 kids and 2 BMs. No fucking way would controlling bitch ass BM2 have been OK with boyfriend's BMs calling 14 times a day about stupid shit. No way, no how.
So then I decided that BM2 was just a bitch. She was doing the shit she was doing just to be a bitch, just because she could, just to cause trouble. And that's not cool.
I can honestly say that if DH and I ever split and there was a SM in the picture, I would have a VERY hard time keeping my mouth shut about things that I might disagree with or dislike at Exes house.... BUT I would do it! I mean if BS6 was being beat or something awful, then of course I would say something, but if we're talking a haircut, or being made to eat something he didn't like.. well then whatever.
He is a huge control freak
He is a huge control freak and can't stand to have a woman tell him no or how things are going to be. When he worked for a woman he was in trouble constantly. Was written up 4 times in 6 years.
The sleeping thing was huge during our marriage. Once when BS was in kindergarten he was sick, ex offered to stay home and he lay on the couch and slept most the day while our 5 years old took care of himself, including feeding himself. Ex would not wake up to make him lunch so BS dug out his cold lunch from the fridge. According to BS & his older brothers the sleeping while the kids are there still goes on. Once early on after the divorce I said something to ex and he went off, interrogated the kids to see who told me, denied doing it and told the kids I was a liar ( step kids in front of BS) and that they were to NEVER have anything to do with me again. I have kept my mouth shut since.
Meh - I am a control freak,
Meh - I am a control freak, but I never ever thought that what happened at my house was any of Asshat's business. Just like what happened at my house was none of his business.
We can't stand each other, but we ALWAYS trusted that the other parent would take care of the kids.
Whenever the kids would complain about one of Asshat's rules or something that he wouldn't let them do, I would simply tell them to work it out with Asshat, because his house, his rules.
That's what SO and I have
That's what SO and I have told the skids. Our house, our rules. BM and step dad's house, their rules. Unfortunately it's not reciprocated from the other side.
Whoops- just noticed that I
Whoops- just noticed that I made an error and now that there is a comment, I can't edit.
What I meant to say was "but I never ever thought that what happened at Asshat's house was any of my business..."
That's a tough one. I think
That's a tough one. I think if DH and I were to divorce, I'd have a hard time keeping my mouth shut about things. DH tends to do things without thinking about the consequences, and he has most certainly put the kids in danger in the past and probably would be even worse about it if I wasn't there. I think I would draw the line at staying out unless it affected my children's safety.
I am so glad to be free of a
I am so glad to be free of a bad a marriage, I don't care what my ex does. But this is easy for me, my daughter was grown when I divorced my ex.
Now, DH and Crazo are another matter. I do not engage at all with crazo, none. Crazo tried in the beginning to manage us and her household (with doormat her husband). But DH would have no part of it. He communicates only via text and only on the schedule. If she tries to talk about something else..or endlessly text about something other than the schedule. He does not respond.
The skids learned early that they have two very different homes and they have adjusted well to that fact.
I agree with this post
I agree with this post entirely. However when my separation first happened 6 years ago I would of been in a different mind frame. I wasn't only devastated when my ex left us but for a mutual friend of ours was beyond devastating for me and my children. I did not speak to him for almost 6 months and I dropped my children off at my parents home for him to pick them up because I was an emotional wreck until I got my head out of the gutter and put my big girl panties on, however I did not accept his new relationship easily. I felt really disrespected considering I devoted myself to our relationship and was a stay at home mother raising our children and his nephew and niece who we were in the process of adopting and I took them in as my own children too ( actually to this day I STILL have them for sleepovers regularly) My ex was actually friends with her and her boyfriend from highschool. I didnt go to the same highschool as them so when we got together and had our family I met all his friends and their wives that pretty much all grew up together ( a few wives/girlfriends were new to the group) and this girl and her boyfriend at that time sometimes hung out with us and we all played sports together, had BBQS, NEW years party's together,Halloween partys it was in fact a big circle of friends/family.. and when I interrupted their dinner date one evening she was really rude to me and gave me some sort of impression she was stepping in on my family but in the back of my mind I felt threatened she was not only taking my spouse but also my children and I wouldn't accept losing my children to her.My ex and I were still living together and he stated it had just stated they were hanging out a few times as "friends" and a spark obviously developed between them .I found the face book messages later and actually seen exactly how it all started and at first it was pretty friendly, until he lost his job at work and we were having a few problems with his nephew and stress become our lives and little time spent together, and he started telling her some of these problems and finally that he was not unhappy. I thought my ex and I just had a normal relationship a big family to take care of and I was in school for several years and also raising the kids. We had two children of our own that were really young (one was a baby) and the other two children we were adopting after 5 years of raising them. My ex decided that he did not want to be a family man anymore, that he really liked this women, he was very sorry and that he still "loved" me but he needed a break from life. I packed my bags and moved out with all the kids less then two weeks and got my own place. Bitter I felt, jealousy I felt, and anger towards everyone we both knew but I just hid myself away, and finished my schooling to get my career at that time and focused on myself, being a new single mom and I traveled that year. I made things difficult for him for about a year in a half by not including his new girlfriend in decision making plans with the kids, their hockey, soccer and baseball practices or games I would tell him not to bring her if I was going to be there, and birthday parties I would not invite her but that was also due to the fact my entire family frowned upon her and nobody really wanted to be around her let alone him either, but he was their dad so people needed to be some what understanding. My ex was actually VERY understanding about it all actually, he was respectful as much as he could be for the first little while and she also knew where I STOOD on things. After a year she tried to apologize to me as well. Its been over 6 years and honestly it has been a long path, but currently we are all civil, girlfriend does come sometimes to practices, and even a few birthday parties of our kids and halloween trick or treating so once I got passed all the anger and hurt I decided that I wouldn't forget but I would forgive.
After two years of their relationship my ex realized what he had done and what he had lost, however his new girlfriend was not aware of how he felt. He gave me a very sincere apology one day, that he was sorry for what he had done and what it did to his children and that if he could change it he would. There relationship had a few bumps in it over time time and I notice little things and he is not completely 100% honest or loyal to get either ( not by cheating on her) but he once wrote me a long time email about how he still loved me and I got upset with him as I was in a committed long term relationship and he apologized after, but it made me think of the fact I feel sorry for his girlfriend and that she isn't aware of his real feelings, and probably has no idea. Its interesting how after time things change, and people are in different positions.
Separate households, separate
Separate households, separate lives. I don't care WHAT my ex and his new wife do at their house, as long as DS17 is safe and has what he needs when he is there. He does often vent to me about life over there, and I just tell him to learn what he can from how they choose to live, and when he is on his own he can make different choices.
My ex really digs his own
My ex really digs his own grave with his stupidity. He has bad mouthed me to his GF about an event that happened in front of our son, so he knows the truth. When ex tells the story IN FRONT of our son, he switches our roles and he is the victim and I the abuser. BS told me this because he was upset that his dad would tell lies about me. This last incident further cements in BS's little almost 9 year old mind that he can't trust his dad to act like a normal person. I joked that I needed to make a list of what he can talk about with his dad that happens at our house.
The man alienated his older children by his behavior and if he doesn't get it together it will happen with BS. It is pretty sad. I maybe the only BM that hopes he doesn't screw up with the GF because I am glad she is there.
Crazo, the skids mom has done
Crazo, the skids mom has done the same thing. When ss18 was 13 he told me " dragonfly you know my mom lies, I don't believe anything she says." No one had to bad mouth crazo, she did it to herself.
We had dinner Tuesday and were reminiscing about all the great trips and things we have done together. SD15 said I remember when my mom tried to get us not to like you....ss18 said I told you then, not to listen to mom, and I was right.
Kids will figure it out on their own.
I do not however live in a dream world...a bio mom is a bio mom and a step mom is just that...not their mom.