What do you all think about this?
It really just boils down to this - ASS hates us because we have rules and he thinks rules are stupid. Or does it?
The other night, DH told me a story about ASS as a kindergartner. Apparently, ASS didn't like a certain kid in the class somehow he ended up punching this other kid in the face. ASS was taken to the principal's office, his parents were asked to come on down for a chat, which DH did (not Medusa, she didn't go for some reason).
Principal told ASS that he couldn't hit this kid and then told him all the potential punishments - no recess, extra homework, not being able to participate in field trips, detention, suspension, expulsion - that could happen to him if he didn't learn how to use his words. As a side note, nothing ever happened. No punishment was meted out by the school. Or by DH and Medusa.
DH swears that ASS changed that day. Maybe he is right, I don't know. I completely believe that ASS has some mental health issues brewing up there - maybe that was the start of it???
Thoughts???
- WalkOnBy's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
TBH, if you take out the
TBH, if you take out the seething anger, the immaturity, the arrogance, the enabling, the self-centredness, the Medusa-pain... how far off normal would this kid be?
The anger, immaturity, arrogance, self-centredness will be addressed, at least in part, if the enabling stops. The Medusa-pain and the rest of the anger will need therapy.
There's no doubt this kid has had some heavy $hit to deal with, and he hasn't dealt with it very successfully so far. But life is long and we get lots of chances.
The more he has an actual disorder that prevents him from seeking or accepting help, that keeps him focussed on his anger/arrogance as justified, the longer he'll take to grow up. AFTER the enabling stops.
IMHO, ofc.
there is a general teenaged
there is a general teenaged angst to much of what ASS does. He takes it to the extreme - it's boundary pushing and "fuck you" to the nth degree. So, how far off normal is it? Not very and a very long way away
I think you might be on the
I think you might be on the right track here.
The big issue I see is not that Medusa abandoned him. It's that DH has as well.
DH has not been trustworthy to ASS. And that is something DH is going to spend a lot of time coming to terms with. And the more he spends time trying to ameliorate reality for ASS, the less time he'll be spending being trustworthy.
I know DH loves his kids very much. He's made a lot of sacrifices to protect and to take good care of them. It's very sad that they would have been much happier with less of the bonus stuff and more of the hard-ass stuff.
Oh, let me explain what I
Oh, let me explain what I mean.
From WOB's posts, her DH generally avoids any kind of confrontation, rule-enforcing, laying-down of any laws with his kids, and especially with ASS. He wants ASS to magically wake up one day, different. DH hasn't set strong boundaries nor has he enforced them. (Post-Medusa.)
So ASS doesn't know where he stands.
If DH were to consistently enforce appropriate boundaries, ASS would know what was acceptable and what was not. ASS would know that DH will not be manipulated nor distracted. ASS would know that DH says what he means and means what he says.
ASS would know that DH can be counted on to be/do what he says he's going to do. ASS would know DH is trustworthy. Right now, I think with the years of PAS from Medusa and with DH being a guilty parent... DH has an uphill battle here.
That's what I mean.
Yeah-I agree with most of
Yeah-I agree with most of this.
The thing is, DH is the one who has sacrificed everything for these kids, even potentially his marriage at times.
Some kids are just bad seeds, and while I don't know if ASS is one of them, it's certainly possible.
I do think that DH spent far too little time enforcing boundaries and limits. He loves that I did that with my children, but simply cannot bring himself to do it with his own.
Thing1 is hardwired towards
Thing1 is hardwired towards aggression. He played lacrosse, football and rugby in high school. That is how he deals with it. In college, he plays volleyball and works out.
I never got an answer that I could understand about exactly WHAT DH thinks happened with ASS that day. I don't think he meant that he felt like that was the day that ASS learned that there are no consequences.
I am going to ask him to explain some more tonight.
This is so far from anything
This is so far from anything resembling acceptable human interaction I actually felt a bit sick reading it.
You're so right. Imagine, you're entrusted as the caretaker of a new body and soul, and to make it easy on yourself, you twist that vulnerable creature into a warped version of itself. You take away its power and make it a monster.
Being a parent is barely about biology. It's about being a loving person modelling a mature and happy life. I think behaviourism can go too far (Skinner's air crib, for example) but pretending talking and feeling replaces action is going far far far too far in the opposite direction!
Puke wigs out anytime
Puke wigs out anytime boundaries or rules are set that she doesn't like. I mean full blown temper tantrum. She's even on big polar medicine.
She wasn't full blown last night but I saw it with all the crying when things weren't going her way.
I don't think these kids are taught coping skills. It's like they can't comprehend following rules whether they like it or not. I never had the courage to talk to any adult the way Puke talks to her parents or adults.
I guess it really is just a
I guess it really is just a temper-tantrum, isn't it? I see it in DD2 who doesn't want xyz.
Well, he turns 18 in about a
Well, he turns 18 in about a month, so I think that window has closed.
He's not going to be a criminal. He doesn't have that in him.
He will be a person who cannot keep a job because he cannot keep his mouth shut. He will be a person who doesn't have any friends because he doesn't know how to be the least bit tolerant.
My brother was much like ASS.
My brother was much like ASS. He had strong ideas about the way the world worked and were he thought he fit in it. He wasn't so much angry as he was sure he was right and everyone else was wrong.
He and my Mom had a fight about something when he was 15. She grounded him from TV, the phone and was going to take his stereo out of his room. He physically stopped her and said she couldn't take his stereo. It had been a Christmas gift from our Uncle. His reasoning was that she could take the things she owned away but couldn't take his belongings from him. He spouted legal rights and personal space and crap like that.
My Mom called my Dad and said he's coming to you. They'd divorced about 8 years earlier.
She said that day when he stopped respecting her authority and she wasn't able to physically stand up to him she knew he had to go.
He lived with my Dad for about a year and at 16 my parents emancipated him so that he could move out on his own and collect welfare. Not because of an SM (there wasn't one at that time) but because my Dad was tired of arguing with him and said off you go. See how easy it is to live on your own.
He lived with a friend who felt the same in a one bedroom place with no furniture or TV. He had his stereo though! My parents didn't give him any money or furniture or anything.
They were big into punk rock and anarchy.
He did finish HS, he knew that he'd never get anywhere without a HS degree. His buddy actually says it was my brother who got him through HS because he would have quit.
He is now 40ish, married, no kids, has a degree from an art school and is a working graphic designer.
To be honest, he's still an ass at times and he still has a skewed view of the world IMHO, but he grew up and takes care of himself. He gets along well with the whole family and knows what a shite he was as a teen.