Feeling Odd

SD24 sent me pictures of her Christmas decorations. This is the first year she is living in her own apartment, and she had asked for home-made decorations from my my boys, her half brothers. I'm not particularly close to her thanks to actions that brought me here, and we only really text very occasionally, mostly coordinating her visits when she is in our state.

Sooo, I noticed on her mantle is a framed picture of her with BM and DH from her high school graduation. I was probably the one who took the picture. That was an AWFUL time. DH and BM were bickering non-stop. DH got snappy at me, and I was holding back tears, while BM was sneering at me to "get used to it". DH refused to join them for a celebratory dinner for SDthen18 because DH "hates that woman with every fiber of his being."

It feels odd to see that picture up. I wondered why she would rather have a high school picture rather than a college one up, but I realized that's the most recent picture she has of the 3 of them. DH refused pictures at SD's college graduation. He didn't even take one of her himself. DH and BM split up and divorced shortly after SD turned 10.

When I moved into my first apartment, I didn't have pictures up of my parents. I did have a collage frame from a trip my family took to Europe to visit my extended family, but it wasn't prominent. I realize SD doesn't have any full siblings, so maybe that's why DH and BM are so "important". Will it always feel odd to see pictures of the 3 of them alone?

Her boyfriend who lives with her does not have pictures up. I think he has a better relationship with his family too.

Just feeling odd...

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Its a weird one. It might

Its a weird one. It might simply be because its the most recent photo she has of both her parents together, it might simply be because from her interpretation that was a "good" memory with both of them.
Or it could be a passive fuck you.

Im 25 and my fiance and I have some shelves with various family photos on; him with his father and brothers, his grandmother, my BM and step father, my father and step mother, my step siblings, us with SD5. A whole collection of separate framed photos of our "immediate" family. Its not something either of us have ever had before but we like it. We dont see our family members much so it has helped SD5 keep faces to names.
I moved out at 18 and never had family photos up.

It may well always feel odd, I know I find it weird to see photos of my fiance with BM from when SD5 was a baby, and they were split when SD was practically newborn. But ultimately, in the future, if SD should choose to have one of those photos in her house then thats her business.

You're right; it could be any

You're right; it could be any of those 3 scenarios. I'm inclined to think it's simply because it's the most recent picture, but this is where I'm curious why she chose that one. Why not put up two separate pictures...one of her with BM and one of her with DH. She has more recent ones of those. This is only a 4x6, so it's not like it's "special". I don't know what COD's normally do...I would just think with parents who don't hide how much they can't stand each other, why put that up? When she was in college, she didn't have any up.

I guess this will be good practice for when she gets married. I can TOTALLY see her hanging a wedding picture of her with a husband and DH with BM. Weird.

Interesting. Maybe in her

Interesting. Maybe in her mind, it would be perfect if the three of them were a happy family, whereas she has told me DH is now a completely different, happy person that he never was when she was young.

I think the real test will be when she gets older. If she's over 30 and still only has pictures of her with her parents up, it will really show that there is something a little off there. DH and I only have pictures of us and our children up. I have one small picture of me with my mother, but she passed away 8 years ago.

I never said nor suggested it

I never said nor suggested it was a slap in the face. You seem the most emotional about this.

Yes, and...?

I am a COD as well and a SP

I am a COD as well and a SP and a SD. I agree I would never place a photo in my home right now of my father and mother either. It is weird for OUR particular situation. My mother and father's divorce was a bad one. And I don't need a photo to remind me of the pretend happiness they never had. That is just our situation though. Some divorces are different. Sometimes it is two people who just slept with each other and had a kid. Every situation is different. I can see where it would be weird for my family.

I would think what you feel

I would think what you feel applies here as well, but I'm obviously wrong since SD has the picture up. It is for me alone to get over since it is a visible reminder of what was, and what will be forever: DH and BM married and had a child together. It's not accurate of what the family looks like now, and seems odd since they were far from happy at the moment the photo was taken. It doesn't matter or change anything in our lives if the picture stays, but it will be interesting to see if it does change as she gets used to living on her own and really has her own life that don't include her parents as much. In my opinion she is a little behind on launching into adulthood, so maybe it's sort of like a security blanket.

I will say that SD24 does feel comfortable enough with me to text me pictures of BM's new dog. Is it cute? (of course lol) but do I really care? (No, don't care to see it) but thanks SD for trying to connect to me in some way. lol

THIS Neither choice is

THIS

Neither choice is wrong,just different.

I would think pictures

I would think pictures individually (SD with BM and SD with DH) would be more true to life, but it's not my apartment. That's all I was thinking. Or if she framed a picture she had posted on FB of her with BM and DH when she was a toddler and they at least looked like a happy little family. Eh.

She mid be wanting to feel

She mid be wanting to feel like she has family. That's all. Yeah, its and odd feeling to see a picture of them together, but it is what it is. Oh the joys of blended family.

That's all I'm saying. It

That's all I'm saying. It feels odd, but I get it. Was sort of musing that it's interesting it feels odd after all these years. She probably has it prominently displayed since she is the furthest from home she's ever been. Sad that it wouldn't feel nearly as odd if DH and BM at least got along.

You know, I think I will

You know, I think I will never get used to this blended life. It's uncomfortable for me. I try my very best, bit it's odd. I hear ya.

I think it was somewhat

I think it was somewhat intentional...she put pictures of my sons next to that picture. I don't think it was meant to be hurtful, but more because she expects me to show DH (they are not speaking at the moment). I believe it was more "thoughtless" about how I would feel on her part, which does go along with her character. She is extremely entitled and believes herself to be the center of the universe. That said...I don't think it's her fault for the most part, and she can be loving. You are spot on with her "not thinking beyond her tiny world".

But it's the SD's house. She

But it's the SD's house. She shouldn't have to shuffle pictures for SM's sake.

This is no different than a SM displaying pictures of her bios but not her SKs. Each that topic comes up here, most tend to agree that SM can/should put up the pictures she wants up because it'shere home.

Why is it OK to hurt/offend SKs, but the rules change when a SM is hurt/offended?

My grandma has 6 sons, all

My grandma has 6 sons, all married and most with kids. Whenever any of her sons and their family came over, the only pictures on display were the ones of that son and his family. I guess my grandma shouldn't have to shuffle photos for the sake of each son and their family but she DID.

So should SMs shuffle

So should SMs shuffle pictures for the sake of their SKs?

Both of them are still her

Both of them are still her parents, whether they are a couple or not. At my first wedding I did have (apparently LOL) the utter cheek to have photos taken with me and JUST MY PARENTS!!!!!! And him with his, And him and me with mine, just his, all the steps as well (i.e. me with mum and SDad, me with dad and SM etc etc etc)

I also Did choose one of hubs, me and MY parents for a small frame with us and his parents in the other side of the frame.

It's not suggesting in any way they are a couple or that I live in fantasy land where my parents are still married. They are always going to be my parents regardless of their relationship with each other or other people.

Some love having family photo's all over the place, some don't.

Each to his/her own, and don't sweat the small stuff.

I don't think she staged it, did it to offend you or had any thoughts of any such thing in her head, it was a photo you say yourself you most likely took so why would she think that you would be offended by it. It's just a pic that happens to be on her shelf of her and her parents.

Definitely "to each their

Definitely "to each their own". I'm mostly surprised at myself for feeling anything at this stage.

I wonder if divorce brings

I wonder if divorce brings about grey areas that people don't quite know how to handle, and that's why it feels odd to me? Yes, SD24 should be able to have pictures of her parents, regardless of their marital status. I'm sort of musing that it feels odd to me, but I'm also the one that is now married to one of them and know exactly how he feels about the other, so I don't see what SD sees. But it's not my home, so it doesn't matter. I also vacillate between being happy that SD feels my boys are her brothers and doesn't call them half-brothers, and feeling odd because she'll post pics on FB and BM's family will comment. I just have to accept that there will always be some odd feelings. Is what it is.

My brother was married for a year when he was young. This was the first experience with divorce I had before I met DH. My family was careful about removing all signs of my ex-SIL, and we didn't ever talk about her again. It was easy because they didn't have children. DH's parents still had wedding pictures of BM and DH in their house when we got married, and they claimed to have always hated BM. That was a million times more odd than this SD blog. Luckily, before we even mentioned it to them, MIL removed it and covered it with a picture of us. Now SIL just got divorced earlier this year. She had 2 children with her ex. I started doing a family tree, and I was showing it to MIL. As soon as she saw the ex's name on it, she freaked out and sneered "Get rid of that *&#$'s name from the tree." But like BM, I really can't get rid of his name as he is the father of her grandchildren. I'm debating about keeping ex-SIL on my tree because they didn't have kids, but he has 3 with his current wife, and I don't want to be the one to ever accidentally show the kids that informations since I don't know if they know. It was ancient, brief history. Divorce brings out odd feelings in all areas, and there's no expected way to deal with it. Death is more straightforward.

End musings... lol

Yes, that's exactly it. If

Yes, that's exactly it. If it was weird to her, then she wouldn't post it. I just wish I didn't feel odd about it. Not much I can do. I'm sure something else will come up that makes me forget this entire blog.

On the other hand, since she's not speaking to DH, I should be thrilled that she still is ok having him up there with BM who is wearing the MOTY hat. I pointed out the picture to him to make that point. I told him that I don't think she's as upset with him as he thinks. I'm a little crazy and still hope for the happy blended family.

If it is the last ever

If it is the last ever picture she has of her and her parents why take that moment away from her?
She didn't photoshop it up from an ideal moment that never existed. Her father refused to put his feelings aside for her college graduation and have a photo taken with their only 'success story". Imagine her ... her parents are no longer together and she wants this to be her 'home' And 'home' to her is a display of her 'family' whatever that means to her.
Just take this as a moment not to analyse the bejebbers out of this one thing. And the only way it can upset you is if you let it. She also included hand made decorations from her half brothers. I think she is awakening into what 'family' means. Let her work it out. And allow her to have the one last photo she will ever have of her parents together.
This girl sounds like a work in progress. And she may just want that last picture even all these years later.

Funny you use the words

Funny you use the words "their only success story" because that's exactly why he DID NOT want any pictures of her college graduation. She went to an extremely expensive private college (most of the kids there were rich kids who couldn't get into better schools...my SIL was one which is how SD learned of it.) DH was bitter about being forced to pay the tuition when he had no say where she went, and then she barely graduated with a degree she "couldn't" get a job with for over 2 years. She ignored every bit of career advice he ever gave her. He was and still is disappointed in her. He did not see either graduation as anything special. I don't happen to agree with that, but she's not my kid and he can think what he wants.

Only pointing it out from your choice of words. For SD's sake, I hope she never sees that DH is disappointed in her outcome. My father made a comment like that about me when I was still a child, and it took years of therapy to get past that.

Unrelated to my above comment...yes, I agree she is awakening into what family means. And it wouldn't include DH if we didn't have our little ones because he wants family, but doesn't really know how to connect. I use the little ones as an excuse to reach out to her, and she is finally responding in a positive way. It's still a bumpy road (her legal issues are further disappointments to DH) but she's young.

I personally agree, but

I personally agree, but apparently that's not the case for many people as has been pointed out here. So I just go with "this is her first time living far from home" and she has it up to remind her of her family back home. And I also find comfort that DH is just as prominent thanks to this photo, which is a little shocking in the current state of their relationship.

LOL

Understood. I also didn't

Understood. I also didn't write that SD is such a "freak" for doing this, or that I'm outraged etc. I just wrote it felt odd, and it's not entirely the norm in my little world. I'm almost finding it amusing at this point how a simple post can cause such polarizing views.

Here is an interesting memory from that exact time...in that picture, DH still had scabs from the bite marks SD inflicted on him a couple of weeks earlier. Happy times, indeed. Just musing...

I do not have a single

I do not have a single picture in my home of my parents. Maybe OP is like me? I prefer not to have them up. Not everyone is close to their families.

Yes we have a lot of them.

Yes we have a lot of them. I'm just sharing a different perspective. One day I hope my girls have pics of us.

It must be some sort of

It must be some sort of "environmental/cultural" thing? I consider myself close to my family. I only ever had that one picture up in my apartment (not prominently) of the entire family when we visited family in Europe one summer, and I didn't put it up once I moved in with DH. I didn't even think about it. I don't have pictures beyond me and DH, our children, and only recently one of SD. DH only had small framed pics of him with SD as a toddler in his bedroom, but he's a guy, so maybe he's not inclined to plaster pictures everywhere. My brother and his wife don't have pictures of either sets of parents prominently either. I don't think they have any up, but I didn't check all the pictures in their house. My MIL and FIL only have pictures of themselves or their kids and grandkids, not their parents or siblings. My parents also never had pictures of their parents or siblings etc outside of the big box of old pictures. So...from my admittedly very limited experience, this seemed odd. Apparently what's odd to me, is clearly not to others, regardless of step situation.

You may be on to something.

You may be on to something. My family and friends have pictures of immediate and extended family on display. This normal to me. Anything else is just strange, but not wrong.

LOL I enjoy your sarcasm.

No need to defend...I was

No need to defend...I was just trying to point out that I understood your general sarcasm. Not easy to do when it's written like this!

And...I figured it ALL OUT!!! It's all about SPACE! I personally don't have enough wall or mantel space to post all the pictures I want of my children, nevermind extended family! It's hard to prioritize that, so just maybe some of the favorite pictures people have are of their parents etc, and that's not in my particular case. AH!!!! :jawdrop:

I know I'm in trouble because

I know I'm in trouble because my kids are so young and I love so many pictures already. How do I pick which ones to replace when I inevitably get more? How do people decide that?? I can't imagine what people do with all the professional pictures they get taken. My SIL had professional ones taken of the kids every season when they were little, and she doesn't have them all framed. Soooo tough.

We do have one of those scrolling ones somewhere, but never used it. It doesn't seem to have the same feeling as a regular framed photo, kwim? Maybe I'll have to bust out with it as the kids older and the decisions about pictures becomes even harder!

And then there's the preschool projects...the boys are constantly running up to me shouting "Look what I made for you Mommy!". My fridge and basement door are covered. It's only getting worse...

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