That very sentence was the beginning of the end for my marriage. Quite literally word for word. The entire situation is identical with one exception. I had only been married 6 months. I moved out 10 months later. Divorced 10 months after moving out. They were horrid people with no respect for anyone. At all.

Good luck.

It probably won't last especially if he's not used to rules. He will get sick of it and want to go back.

I truly doubt that anyone involved will put the effort into making that 'transition' work.

I knew a dad who told his kid that she could CHOOSE where she wanted to live when she was 12. Partly it's true that where we are (the Netherlands) the judge will want to hear from the child - but no judge gives *only* the child a say. Partly he said that because it was how he undermined his ex. I asked him about his parenting once, and he said he valued 'natural consequences.' In my observation, this involved doing zero coaching or helping of the kid, although he did drive her to various activities. (see note at bottom)

When she got to be 11 or so, she was so insecure she had terrible rages and would hit her mom. Her mom couldn't manage her - partly because whatever 'punishment' she levied the dad would lift because he didn't agree with her... and tell the kid that. They had something close to 50/50. Anyway, the mom didn't want custody anymore. The kid didn't want to live with dad. {Sarcasam warning -->}So of course the only option was to put her into foster care. But the dad didn't want her to miss out on her activities, so he still drove her to her school musical on Thursday nights for a few months. By the time this was going on... I couldn't have contact with this guy anymore.

Note at bottom: When I asked him about parenting, the specific example was, what if the kid is having trouble making friends? He said, well... if she's too bossy or not friendly enough, the other kids won't play with her, and then she'll figure it out. To me, that's ridiculous. What 8 year old has that kind of insight? And ultimately, that lesson, if it worked, could lead to learning that it's easier to get along with others if we don't stand up for ourselves. What a crappy parent. Ugh. Still feel sorry for his kid.

Think of it this way. DH has to live with your kids so he thinks it is fair for his son to live with you all as well. And the fact he is older really isn't a good reason that this known quantity is not included in your domestic situation.

What is a good reason is that you both have different expectations of your children. I am not a believer in the 'life lessons' line of thought. Children need guidance and direction with lots of love. Otherwise they are loose cannons who ricochet themselves through life leaving a trail of destruction.

One thing you can do is when SS is over you can say "Well, if you are allowed to move in here, because that would come down to a judge deciding, you will have to do your share of the chores like everyone else. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming the stairs, taking out the trash. It is what happens here."

If DH decides this is too tough for his special snowflake ask him why it is OK for your kids but not his? Ask him if he is really prepared for the hard work of telling his son "No" once in a while? How allowing his son to be chore-less will create problems? And is it fair to tell a child of 10 that in 2 years they can decide where they want to live when this is not at all true? And it doesn't matter what a loser BM is, has her situation changed sufficiently to encourage a change in custody? After all, DH did sign that order as much as his ex did.

And if he is all keen for this to happen, insist on SS having a specific chore to do when he is there. Let him see what being part of a family involves.