Hi all,

I went out in our back yard on Sunday and saw that there were lemons smashed against the back of our house. Leaning up against the wall was a baseball bat; it seemed pretty clear that the boys had been hitting lemons off the tree into the house. This is something I am not pleased about although certainly not the end of the world. I asked youngest stepson (11) if he was responsible, he said no, that his brother (13) did it and he set up his phone to film himself doing it. I wanted to discuss this at dinner but Mom did not want to ruin dinner with accusations...dinner is the only time we all sit together and she didn't want to ruin that. Before bed I gathered everybody into our room and said that I was not happy about what had been done and that I expected it to be cleaned up before the boys left for their fathers on the weekend. I explained that the house was OUR biggest investment and that it showed tremendous disrespect to smash fruit against it. I also asked how they would feel if some kid went by our house and threw a piece of fruit at our house; they said they wouldn't like it. I went to be unhappy, I would have liked for the kids to own up to their action instead of " can we be done " that was the end of the discussion. I would have liked Mom to back me up a bit more. Next day I come home from work and I admit, I am still pretty unhappy about this. Mom reminds older boy that the back of the house needs to be cleaned. He gets really angry, says he didn't do it but if it is that big a deal he will clean it up. He snaps at his mother which turns into her being very angry with me. I have created a rift between her and her son and he isn't even at fault. I go outside and help him clean the fruit off the wall and make an amends to him for falsely accusing him. I explain to him that the most important thing to me is that he and I trust and respect each other. I apologize that I didn't believe him and explain that I also apologize for creating tension between him and his mother and that after we finished cleaning the wall that I would make my amends to her.

While she and I are talking she mentioned that I am withdrawn at dinner and if she is noticing it she is sure the kids are. We have been discussing going to see a therapist as this is starting to become a bigger problem.. I said I want to go see the therapist because I don't know how to say things I know are going to make her feel judged and criticized. she pressed the issue so I told her, the kids have no manners...they eat with their mouths open, talk with there mouths full, slurp their drinks and don't even know how to hold a utensil. I said that I had looked up the therapist that she wanted to use and wanted to tell her I was going to call before I actually did so, she said that she would email her and that I didn't need to call.

Half hour later, Mom picks up younger boy from practice and talks to him about the situation while they drive home. he comes clean...both he and his brother were hitting the lemons against the house and they filmed it on their cameras. They made a pact that they would stick together and deny everything. Mom's solution is that the younger boy thank me for cleaning up the house but not thank his brother. At dinner she talks to them about the dance on Friday night and how much money they are going to need. I feel like I am in the twilight zone. I had a meeting to go to and left at the end of dinner, when I returned it was bed time and Mom asked me if I had said good night to the kids. I asked her if she had discussed the fact that both boys looked us in the eye and lied to us. She got very upset and said she couldn't fight every fight and that if I thought it was such a big deal that I should talk to them.

I went to bed unhappy and woke up and left the house unhappy. I am sitting here at work now ranting about this.

I will talk to them tonight as Mom won't be home till late. I am supposed to get them pizza which is a treat...I can't understand for the life of me why they should be getting any type of reward for bad behavior. I am going to let them know that trust is everything. that now when I ask if their homework is done they will need to show me...based on their actions I can't know when they are telling the truth. I know they are just kids...I will tell them that I did the same crap when I was a kid the difference is that I was held accountable for my actions.

Mom is so terrified that the boys will have a "bad experience" that she chooses to do nothing.

We have been married for 9 months now and this is the first time I have thought to myself that this might not work