help!! (long post)
Background:
i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we have had full custody of his 13 year old daughter all her life and she is an only child. Bm is in prison... again! And never comes to see her even when she is free. My sd has been diagnosed with unspecified mental disorders and is delayed. Also withh multiple severe anxiety and depression.
Here's my problems:
My step daughter doesnt want to sleep alone, she prefer to sleep with me and request her dad to sleep in her bed. If she cant do that she wants to sleep on the couch in the Livingroom (im assuming because it is closer to us). I still make her sleep in her own room, but she hates it. She wont do anything, unless i am doing it too. I cannot get her to leave me alone for 5 minutes! Remember she is 13!
I have recently quit my job. I figured this way i could spend more quality time with her since she always feels lonely and unloved... also, because she gets in trouble when a parent isnt home. She has had the cops called on her 4 times in the 4 years ive been raising her! Last week she snuck out side while we were sleeping and vandalized the neighbors house!
I have taken her to psychiatrist, counselors, even had a mental evaluation done! I have grounded her, took away phone, internet privelage, threw everything away in her room except necessities, took her to church. Tried chore charts behavior charts all with rewards.
I never raised her to act this way, it hurts me and embarrasses me. What have i done wrong? What can i do to help her? I am at my wits end and clueless! Bd iant as envolved as i am and i wish he would help more, but thats a different story. Right now it is up to me to.turn her life around before its too late. Im afraid she will end up in jail!
Please help!
No bashing!!
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Comments
Take a breath. Official
Take a breath.
Official diagnoses usually have more information regarding the style of delay. You write more of a "working theory" style. Clarification? There are a number of posters on this forum that have a lot of experience in an alphabet soup of delays/genetic disorders/psychological, behavioral disorders. Can you give us more to work with?
When i had her mentally
When i had her mentally evaluated they litterally called it unspecified mental disorders. She is delayed about 2 years atm, but expected to slowly become more delayed as the years move on. All the testing she took came back below average results. She is dyslexic, verbal and written. She has been diagnosed with adhd, anxiety and depression. Currently on medication for anxiety, depression and birth control. We tried adhd meds, but i didnt notice a difference and dont feel like that is the problem. She is visiting a counselor monthly to give her the ability to vent. This is all the information i have from several different specialist and ^ that cost me alot of money
When she stole a phone from school, supposedly her friend dared her to. She definitely doesnt have that common sense factor and will literally do ANYTHING, as long as you like her.
I try to keep a routine, my expectations never change, amd she has daily chores. She only acts out when someone responsible isnt around her.
Sorry - it may be a matter of
Sorry - it may be a matter of nature over nurture.
She definitely plays dumb.
She definitely plays dumb. She suddenly forgot how to wash her hair one day at the gym.
So if i start giving her less attention or stop babying her you think she would straighten up. Just now this morning, she woke up and asked me if i wanted spaghetti. I told her no, so she isn't going to eat any either. Then it started a fight cause im trying to explain to her that if she is hungry she needs to eat, even if i am not.
She also wants to know every detail of every day.. and when a detail changes she gets irritated. The psychiatrist said that was a sign of autism but she supposedly isnt autistic.
Dad is never going to help me. He is a sorry cheating loser. I am in this relationship for my step daughter, not him.
I believe alot of her problem is the 50 other women who came before me, stayed a week and played mom... then walked away and left her. I told myself i wouldnt do that to her. I want to walk away, i feel like ive bit off more than i can chew..,. I just cant hurt her. I dont want to. I just need a miracle!
I dont care what she eats for
I dont care what she eats for breakfast, her and her dad both eat randomly. She didnt ask if SHE could have some.. she asked me if i wanted it. I rarely eat breakfast. So now she refuses to eat unless i eat. She literally will only do what i do. Family usually suggest that she wants acceptance or attention and love, thats why i quit my job. I spend 24 hours a day with her now. Its beem 2 months since i quit my job and i am still not noticing a difference in her behavior.
I believe the acceptance thing, because i have been hard on her. I am strict, but my expectations have never changed. Sheis down to no privileges and only necessities. Because i refuse to spank her. I threw everything she had away last time the cops came to the house. Ive explained in great detail that she has to make improvements in order to earn things back.
I cant afford a sitter, i
I cant afford a sitter, i worked in a daycare, and she was going with me. But now she is 13 and too old to attend daycare. Now together we are running an in home daycare.. she helps and i even pay her a little. I figured this would give us quality time and her the dignity and self respect of doing something big! I make more money now than i did at the daycare! Lol
So your telling me because i
So your telling me because i took her to work with me and then tried leaving her at home alone and since that wasnt working i quit.. and started an in home day care (that she loves participating in) is why she acts out?
So your saying everything ive done to try to help her is actaully hurting her?
If this ^ is not what you mean... maybe you should go ahead and be blunt.
I do not in anyway feel like i have done anything to hinder her. My life revolves around her.
Yes, she is in school, she is
Yes, she is in school, she is out for summer break at the moment, she has two .more weeks till school starts again.
She is in special education,
She is in special education, pull outs (pull her out of classes for one on ones) speech therapy and tutoring before and after school. She has failed twice, almost a third but i went to the school and threw a fit, she is embarrassed enough!
I do talk to her about everything, the problem is she has a hard time understanding unless i put it in kidish terms. My problem is im talking to her like a 13 year old. When i know her mentality is closer to 10. I always tell her to act her age. It took me a month and a half to teach her how to shave her legs! My patience wears thin and we both get frustrated. Dad thinks we pick fights with each other. She has told me that she doesnt think i love her. I cried so hard and tried to explain with out bashing bio mom and dad that i am the one that is here for her, trying to teach her to grow into.a beautiful woman.
She loves her bio mom, but tells people lies like mommy is in prison because mommy had sex with her when she was little... which NEVER happened. This i know is for attention or sympathy. I feel like she is crying out for help, and im doing or have done everything i can think of. Nothing seems to work.
Thank you for being so positive.
I think you are confused. She
I think you are confused. She goes to school, everyday! And the pull outs i refered to happen at school, she gets pulled out of a class of 30 kids, and moved to a room with 5 kids.. im not there, the teachers are pulling her out.
I didnt pull her out of daycare either. Day care runs from 6weeks to 12 years. She turned 13 in october and was no longer allowed in day care. She wasnt in my class in day care, thats against state regulations. She had her own class. So from october to june she stayed home before and after school had to get herself on the bus and trusted to get off the bus and come home, alone. It wasnt working.. so i quit its summer time, she isnt in school for a few more weeks.. i started the inhome daycare in june when school let out for summer, and she has been helping me. And she enjoys it.
Oh my goodness, thank you for
Oh my goodness, thank you for helping clear that up! I wasnt thinking about different countries.
Thank you, i will ddefinitely
Thank you, i will ddefinitely look into a second opinion. Im glad to hear someone else has had an unspecified diagnosis. I was starting to think i got the run around from that psychiatris.
I dont think we can medicate
I dont think we can medicate her IQ how do you medicate mental retardation? Im not sure and i dont have the Drs papers in front of me, but i believe they called it unspecified because it touched minorly on so many different problems. I remember autism but not enough to call it autism, i also remember she has severe separation anxiety. I also have her IQ scores but its on that same paper that isnt infront of me.
She was medicated for adhd, i
She was medicated for adhd, i stopped that.. now she is taking medication for depression and anxiety.. its called escitalopram aka lexapro.
I stopped the adhd meds
I stopped the adhd meds because i honestly do.t feel like that is the problem. I think the anxiety and mental disorder is the main problem and i want to address thatbefore anything else. Tbe ppsychiatrist ahe saw first literally had us fill out a form and then handed me a prescription. No evaluation, no explanation.. i went with it for a few months and decided to switch doctors. The first guy had me openning a capsule and halfing its contents by hand.. and giving to her that way. As far as i know here in texas you arent suppose to tamper with a closed capsule. Dividing it by hand could have over or under dosed her and i was uncomfortabl . With it. We have started fresh with a new doctor that put her on 10mg of lexapro, they said it was a low dose and shouldnt have any major side effects. But it isnt working. She is still super emotional, and frustrated easily, she still feels like no one loves her.
Could puberty be at play
Could puberty be at play here? Would getting her on some form of birth control help even out her emotions a little? Is there a monthly cycle to her emotional outbursts?
Emotional outburst are a
Emotional outburst are a daily routine, she has been on birth control for 3 months already.. depovera shot.
You need to stop randomly
You need to stop randomly stopping and/or changing her meds. If you don't want to do what a doctor says to do, then talk to him or her about it, or change doctors. Sometimes medications don't immediately work - you need time to see a difference.
It sounds like she needs therapy on more than a monthly basis. She could probably benefit from some behavioral modification therapy. To be honest, you could use some help as well in learning different ways to handle her behaviors.
Sounds like you have your hands full - especially since the child is not yours. Be careful that this does not all blow up in your face. You have no legal rights to her and if either parent decides to take a more active role it could be difficult for you.
I agree with you instead of
I agree with you instead of raising the mg on this one, i want to switch it. What do you suggest, a family member told me to.try abilify
She is starting middle school
She is starting middle school this year and i plan on getting her into volleyball. I hope this will help in some way.
When i said we have had her
When i said we have had her all her life i meant she has been in dads custody since birth bio mom can only visit her in our home. Ive been in her life since she was 9. Yes, my boyfriend is scum but thats a whole different story... we are working on it and going to counseling ourselves. We dont show our problems to the world and my step daughter has no clue that me and her dad have problems. So that honesty shouldnt be hurting her. I am not leaving her, thats what everyone else has done to her. My heart is too big to walk away, i love her too much. It isnt even a possibility. Thank you for your opinion though.
So, out of all this and no
So, out of all this and no advice, other than switch meds, and get a second medical opinion.
I would like advice on what i can do here at home to help her, other than spanking her.
She is well past the age
She is well past the age where spanking would be of any use, whether or not you approved of it.
Personally to me it seems she needs to learn some independence and responsibility. The job with you at your home day care is good start for responsibility, but not independence. The following you around etc seem either to be that she idolizes you or that she is very insecure in herself and needs to hang on to you and be with you at all times.
Physical activity is always good for helping deal with emotional issues and something such as a martial arts that has a focus on personal control and responsibility might help, but it is better to find a sport that she is interested in doing than forcing her into one that you think will be the best.
Meditation or yoga or some sort of calming activity might help her too. Does she know strategies to help her calm down when she gets worked up?
Watching what she eats could help, depending on her diet if she is having sugar highs/lows.
Other than that...some sort of boot camp??
It seems that after taking everything away she still doesn't seem to be responding, and as long as you are being consistent with that then I don't know what else you can do at home. You need to find her currency and what it is that when taken away or made to do she is more willing to comply with you. It doesn't seem like you have found that yet.
I think that you might get better advice on a forum for parents with kids with disabilities because although there are a fair few here in that situation, this (as you present it) is not a step parent issue (because you choose to take on the mother role), unless are willing to consider stepping back and letting your husband deal with his daughter.
ETA: not saying that you aren't welcome to post here, just that you might get some better/different advice on this particular issue elsewhere.
Get the book "Parenting with
Get the book "Parenting with Love and Logic." The main point is that all actions have consequences. Negative behaviors bring about negative responses. (age appropriate and specific to the original behavior.) Positive behaviors get positive responses.
You might find it very helpful if combined with approaches that deal with her behavioral issues that are caused by specific disorders.
She has a cat lol
She has a cat lol
Props to progress!! My
Props to progress!! My boyfriend came home today and is requesting our daughter to join karate or something similar. He says it will help her love herself and learn self control! Props to progress!
Okay, i just took sd to the
Okay, i just took sd to the doctor, attempting to change medication (lexapro) The doctor asked sd if the medicine was working and she said yes... the doctor asked sd what the medicine was helping.. she said her body...
Doctor then tells me that we are going to leave the medicine the way it is, she'll send my script to the pharmacy.
What? Why? I expressed to the doctor that i dont feel like it is helping andi dont like the possible side effects and reminded her that my child is incapable of making such decisions for herself.
The doctor now recommends i take her to a psychiatrist So i asked for referrals because ALL the psychiatrist in our area have an extremely long waiting list. Aaannnd.... she wont give me any referral! !
I feel like this doctor stuff has been running me around in circles, ive been getting no where for several years now!
I dont want to take her off
I dont want to take her off medicine all together, i want to find something that WORKS with less terrifying side effects