Update about yesterday's crap with bm
Update from yesterday’s post regarding Bm’s meltdown over Ss being with a babysitter (my brother age 22) while Dh is at work from 7:30 to 4:30.
So after I posted yesterday Bm continued to send text after text saying things like “You need to have MY son call me NOW. You have 10 minutes” “Do not test me. I have a lawyer now so bring it!!!” “Return MY son NOW or the police will come get him!” “First right of refusal has been violated b/c the CO doesn’t specify that it has to be 24 consecutive hrs. and you’ve worked the past 3 days so you’ve violated b/c he’s been w/ a sitter from 7-4 for the past 3 days!” The CO also has a line that says “each party is entitled to 3 one wk. periods of time sharing w/ child each and every year” but Each party is crossed out and says father and that’s because being that she’s the custodial, she already gets more than 3 wks. with Ss by default. So Bm takes of a picture of that line and says “Your lawyer crossed it out clear as day, it says father, not babysitter/step parent anything so he needs to physically be with YOU or he needs to be returned to me NOW”. First she was raging out because she wanted Ss returned to her because Ss was w/ a babysitter while Dh was at work and then she turned it into Dh was denying her access because he told he’d have Ss call her when he got home and refused to give her my brothers ph# and kept going on and on about how she should be able to talk to Ss at any time. The CO is very ambiguous about her access via phone. The CO reads: The absent parent may call the child during the other parents period of responsibility. The child may call the absent parent at any time. All calls shall be made during reasonable hours.” To be honest I don’t think she’s even reading the full line b/c she kept texting that she is supposed to able to “call Ss ANYTIME” but the only line that says anytime is for Ss to call HER anytime. What’s also crazy is she kept texting that she didn’t care about Dh getting a sitter during the weekends but that for the week long visitation Ss needed to be with Dh physically the entire time or he needed to go back to her… wtf??? Where is the logic in that???
Dh called the police in our city and they told him that she had actually just called and was screaming at them on the non-emergency line telling them to do their job and that they needed to get Ss for her. The officer advised Dh that they told her there wasn’t anything she could do b/c Dh was well within his rights to have a sitter while he was work and she was being unreasonable. During this time Dh was very minimal with Bm and kept referring back to the CO. Eventually it tapered off because he text her “what is wrong with you? You need to realize that I am not your enemy. You keep saying he’s with a stranger but just because my BIL is a stranger to you doesn’t mean he’s a stranger to Ss just how your husband’s family isn’t a stranger to Ss even though I don’t know them. You seem so angry all the time and I just wish we could get to a place where we can co-parent each other w/o all the hostility” Bm stopped texting after that.
THEEEEEN we’re awaken at MIDNIGHT from a call from the police dept. in BM ‘s city. At first the officer was being very aggressive and was telling Dh that he “needed” to give Bm my brothers ph# b/c according to him the CO stated that Bm’s entitled to that info BUT Dh pulled his CO out and was like “read me where it says that officer” and the officer started rattling off that under the line that says Itinerary if we leave the state for vacation that Bm is to be given info as to how to contact the SS but Dh explained we are NOT on vacation, we are home and that HE is the one who took BM to court because of her hostility and that OUR lawyer drafted that parenting plan so he knows it in and out and he knows he’s fully within his rights to get a sitter. He also questioned why an officer would call someone so late at night and that both Dh and I work for the State Gov’t and the Federal Gov’t and that it’s shocking that another city gov’t office would allow a ridiculous phone call to be made at such an hour. The officer backed down after that and started to apologize and told Dh that he was right and that the CO didn’t specify that the babysitters info needed to be disclosed etc. The officer did say BM filed a police report b/c Dh wouldn’t give her my brothers ph#. The CO does NOT state AT ALL that Dh has to provide her that info. The CO doesn’t mention babysitters or anything regarding child care-only FROR but only if Dh cannot care for Ss for more than 24 hrs. Dh text her my brothers first & last name as a courtesy but he refused to send her his ph# b/c my brother doesn’t need to be harassed. The whole thing is so ridiculous and I’ve been on the verge of tears b/c I’ve been SO stressed out. She even at one point started saying that she’s going to have them do a child welfare check on our home. We have nothing to hide but still, WTF? I don’t even know what recourse we have to us. I don’t want to deal with this every time we have Ss during these week long visitations. Is it unreasonable that we have my brother watch Ss while we’re at work? I don’t get what the big deal is. We will be off the full week he’s here at the beginning of August but not after that. I Just don’t’ understand what her problem is. Arghhh… I’m So beyond tired of this bullcrap. I just wish should would allow my husband time with his son in peace and stop with all the drama.
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You and your DH did good. I
You and your DH did good. I just wish your DH hadn't given her your brother's name because she can probably find his address. That officer way way out of line to call a midnight.
It seems to me that her behavior is bordering on harassment. You might check with your lawyer. Maybe a strongly worded letter from him will have an impact.
At this point it might be best to quit responding to her at all. You have given her the info she needs more than once. Her request is absurd.
It is good that your police department quickly figured out she was out of line. If you have more contact with them, make sure they know she has already contacted them and there should be some sort of a record on file - maybe not a report - but at least notes on a dispatch entry.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It doesn't sound like you are having one moment of peace.
Yeah, I was kind of upset
Yeah, I was kind of upset when my husband told me that he had sent her his name but my brother lives with us so if she finds his address it'll leave back to us anyway so it's not that big of a deal. Yeah I was pretty shocked when the officer called us that late at night, I wonder if maybe he was a friend of hers?
Dh had the police from our city come out today and he filed a police report about everything that happened. We just need to keep record now with everything that happened yesterday because all of her text for beyond outrageous.
Sorry, I didn't realize he
Sorry, I didn't realize he lived with you. Still, your DH should not be giving her any info that she is not entitled to per the CO.
Good for your DH for making a report - glad the police agreed to do it. At this point you need to document everything. If you do end up going the harassment route the more paper the better. Not a bad idea to keep a journal and just make a quick note everyday who SS is with and for how long. That way you will have concrete facts.
The cop from the other town could have been a friend. More likely she laid some big sob story on him and he bought it - until he started talking to your DH. It was still wrong to call at that time.
OK... does BM not KNOW that
OK... does BM not KNOW that your brother lives with you?? My guess is that is why she is flipping shit (well that and she's bat shit crazy) but I can see where she might be concerned about where her son is during the day while dad is at work, especially if she doesn't know your brother. But, if your brother lives with you and is in the home every day anyway????? I don't understand what there is to bitch about. BUT again, it sounds to me like BM does not know brother lives with you?
Agree with Sally. This woman
Agree with Sally. This woman is hideous. If I were the brother and my number given to this person, I would stop babysitting for you.
Exactly, document and ignore.
Exactly, document and ignore. Also I would document the things that your husband does with his son during the times that he is home, even if it is just eat dinner together, watch a favorite show, read a bed time story. Stuff that will show the court that SS is getting quality time with his dad, I know it is unnecessary, but if it builds a case then all the better.
If the nonsense continues talk to a lawyer about harassment and a potential restraining order or something to keep her quiet.
That's a good idea but then,
That's a good idea but then, thank you I didn't even think that we should document when exactly we do when we're home from work. The sad thing is that even though we go to work in the daytime we didn't more with SS and his very own mother. Last night he was saying he said to go back to his moms because all he does is play video games in his room while she sleeps all day.
It's helpful to know that
It's helpful to know that there's others in the same situation because it makes me feel like I'm not the only one out there that's going through this crap. I wish you guys the best and all of the drama that you have to go through. DH called our local police department and have them come out and he requested himself that they looked through our home so that they could noted in their police report that he filed because there's no danger at all. Bm is making an issue out of nothing and really I honestly have no idea what her problem is. The only thing I could think of is that this is the first time the SS has been with us for this long and I wonder if maybe she's feeling insecure like he's going to like it at our house tomorrow?
Why is she so angry?!?!?
Why is she so angry?!?!? Your hubby is right. That's a lot lotta lotta anger and emotions and craziness!!!!!!! I don't have the fortitude to put up with a BM like that . I just couldn't deal. No way. Kudos to you and your DH for looking in the face of crazy and not backing down
I'm right there with you
I'm right there with you wondering why is she so angry. I honestly think that because after she cheated on DH and he dumped her that it bruised her ego so bad even after 7 years that she's not able to get over it? It's all just so frustrating and I just wish that she could grow up already. She's just so angry all the time and it's baffling. And it's been helpful to have the court order because now she can act out but she can't really do anything about it but at the same time it's still stressfulto have text after text after text with such outrageous demands.
You know, I thought that BM
You know, I thought that BM would calm down by now considering she's remarried she just found out that she's pregnant and DH and I have been together almost 5 years now. It's just crazy to me because I don't know what her problem is. BM and DH spoke on the phone a few weeks ago and she was being really civil and stated that shewanted to start coparenting with her husband and myself but her behavior yesterday it seems like she doesn't really want to do that. So I don't know what her problem is.
I wonder too ifMaybe the cop that came that called my husband was a friend of hers or something?
She's prone to affairs? She
She's prone to affairs? She slept with that cop at some point. He wasn't even at work when he called you. Just trying to throw some muscle your way off duty since she asked him to.
People like her make me so
People like her make me so sick. So sorry you guys have to deal with that, how stressful and exhausting it must be! You guys are doing great though standing your ground etc. Do you think BM will withhold the kid when it comes to DH's next week long summer visit?
Thank you for your words of
Thank you for your words of encouragement, it's been really hard dealing with this and it just seems like suddenly she's gotten more aggressive than she's ever been. It's really hard to be in the situation
DH and bm already agreed on the time when SS would be with us so if she withholds him dear DH will file a contempt order.hopefully it doesn't have to come to that but with this lady who knows? It's just a really sad situation that she's putting her very own child in.
Sounds like she's a control
Sounds like she's a control freak. She doesn't know when or where your DH is and whether or not it's with his kid so she's trying to harass the answers out of him. Ignore the whore.
Oh maxwell you have no idea.
Oh maxwell you have no idea. She's a major control freak. She's one of those women that says she's a sahm but really she just sleeps all day and throws Ss on a video game system. She's a joke and so Being that dh was the only thing she thought she had control I think kills her that she can't do that anymore esp now that he has a CO. She's text a few times during the few melt downs she's had that she "forced" to sign the CO and that she's tired of dh "throwing the order" in her face. It's crazy.
Do we have the same BM? It
Do we have the same BM? It has always been threats of court, police reports, multiple welfare checks (anonymously called in though BM was stupid enough to admit to the court that it was her, all for no reason and all with great results for us), and so on with BM. Let me tell you a secret though. I'd say there's a 99% chance (as everyone always says, no absolute way to predict what a judge will do), but there is a 99% chance that she is doing YOU guys a favor. Do you know what is not in the best interest of the children? The hostility. Threats. Police. Welfare checks. DH's parenting time was doubled and soon after child support he paid BM cut in half after DH took her took to court for doing this crap. Remember, police are people. Social workers are people. If you do ever have a caseworker visit, don't be hostile toward them. They're there because they have to be and most child welfare workers despise the false and unwarranted calls more than anyone, as it eats away at their time and resources to help kids really in danger. They see the hostile divorce shit ALL the time. Get and retain all police reports for future use. Print all texts over this craziness to date.
In our state, reasonable phone response time is typically defined as 24 hours to return a call. Anything more is considered an attempt to micromanage the other parent's life and time. I think your DH did a good thing by telling her WHO SS is with (a judge may very well say she has the right to know who her son is alone with, I would want to know to be honest). But given her harassing behavior, she does not need your brother's direct contact info. If anything, your brother needs her direct contact info not the other way around, as it would be unreasonable to expect he would contact her and not his father.
And from now on (and your DH will have to adhere to this strictly because this has already escalated so far) EMAILS ONLY. She may call SS on the line if that is what the order says, but that doesn't mean he has to call her back in the middle of the day. Don't respond to text. Create and provide an email address and at first respond only with "As I have told you already BM, due to the threats you have made, involvement of the police, and so on all communication regarding SS is to be done through providedemailaddress." From there, resist the urge to respond to every dumbass email she will spend her DAYS drafting (and she will) and sending and trying to piss you off. If she sends direct and reasonable communication regarding parenting time, anything school or medically related? One sentence responses. If she sends personal attacks, do not attack back. Ignore. Not every email will need a response (but don't ignore any reasonable emails, which will likely be few and far between). Remember that women like this FEED off of ANY attention- and apparently sporadic, negative outburst-y behavior is more of a high for them than normal conversations. One sentence responses only. With email only, it is all right there and there will be no hostile phone calls between BM and DH in front of SS- ours would call DH with SS in the background next to her while she called DH every name you can imagine. If she continues gather all of your evidence of her crazy bullshit and petition the court that all communication go through a mediator- at BM's expense.
This is all really good info
This is all really good info couldyounot, thank you for taking the time to write this all out. It's tough but I'm thankful we have that CO, I feel like she's a dragon blowing fire and it's our shield lol. I'm going to share this thread with dh so he read what you wrote. I document but only just notes I take in my calendar. I think I'm going to have to buy a notebook or folder or something to really take the documenting seriously. I Wish she knew how pathetic this whole thing is making her look. It's silly.
It's funny you bring that up
It's funny you bring that up because dh was going to ask for that but he thought if he eliminated calls that it wasn't needed but it doesn't seem to be working. Sure she can't call and call but now she's just bombarding via text. Maybe it's time to rethink that. Ugh
She filed a police report
She filed a police report because your DH wouldn't give her your brother's phone number? How ridiculous.
BM over here (many years ago) pulled that controlling crap and was pissed that DH wouldn't give her my address. She knew where I lived so it was really stupid and he had been living with me for awhile but all of a sudden, it was important for her to know the exact address. It was simply a control issue, as she had lost all control of DH.
I really don't get these women. Do they not realize how incredibly stupid and foolish they look?
Isn't it? I was floored when.
Isn't it? I was floored when. Dh said the cop told him she filed a police report over that. She's beyond ridiculous. It's so exhausting. She's calmed down a bit since we went to court. She's had melt downs of course here and there but it's beeon OK for the most part. This was bad though. I feel like she's dwelling on he fact that she doesn't have control anymore and shes going crazy. We've had ss In the past for weeks and had him with sitters and it was no prob but it was at her discretion- she needed a sitter and had no one so she asked us to take him and all wa swell but now that dh is entitled to this time it's making her nuts I think.
Man she is coo coo for cocoa
Man she is coo coo for cocoa puffs fo sho!!!!
((Hugs)) to MSG!!!! I'm so sorry you guys have to go through this. I had to go through a similar process, not near as bad as you have it, and besides the stress from the constant harassment and being constantly on high alert, just the amount of time that you have to waste documenting all the crap and going to attorneys and such.....UGH, it's draining to say the least.
Deep breaths. This too shall pass. Keep documenting, couldyounot has some great advice above.
And keep coming here to vent!
Darkstar, you're telling me!
Darkstar, you're telling me! She's majorly coo coo and apparently stupid too. From all the stuff she was texting it's very clear she doesn't understand the CO.
Thank you, I really appreciate it. I feel so sad that I'm looking forward to ss going back with her tomorrow so we don't have to stress about this.
Again, no where NEAR the
Again, no where NEAR the problems you are having, but I remember waking up every day wondering what fresh hell was awaiting me for the day. Morning, noon, and night I'd have a stomach ache from waiting for the next shoe to drop.
Don't let her toxicity fill your head. ENJOY your skid-free time! I sure do! We go golfing, go out to eat, have sexy time, all the fun things to do without skids!
Yup, that’s the same feeling
Yup, that’s the same feeling I have, that sinking gut feeling of “what next?”
Yeah, you’re right. This weekend we’re going to just go to some yard sales and take it easy. It sucks to be relieved that he’s going home because I love him being with us and Dd def loves having her brother here but it’s been crazy. She knows very well nothing is wrong. She’s just being a jerk. When she text Dh about the welfare check she said “Be prepared for a welfare check (-: “ so It’s not out of concern it’s truly just to be a b*tch. All her text messages prove that. It’s disgusting.
She sounds like Medusa. Back
She sounds like Medusa. Back when she had custody, she was CONSTANTLY calling the Sheriffs to come by and do a welfare check. She would tell them that one skid or another had texted her that they were "terrified." NO skid had a cellphone, so not sure how THAT happened - lol!!
After four or five visits, the Sheriffs told her to go pound sand
All right, I'm going to offer
All right, I'm going to offer a slightly different view point. Could she be "so angry" because she's scared? I have to say, the thought of my child being in the care of a total stranger to me is slightly terrifying. Yes, he's in day care. One that I vetted, met the teachers, and did my homework on. If someone told me, "Hey, I'm going to leave your son with some dude you've never met and I'm not even going to tell you how to call and make sure he's OK bwahahahahah!" I would Flip.My.SHIT. *shrug* I think she eased down after your DH's (reasonable) text back to her precisely because it WASN'T combative, because it came from a "he's fine, I wouldn't take any risks with him, what's going on?" sort of place.
Sure, document the crazy. It'll probably help you in the long run. In the short run though, I'd suggest getting to the root of her fear for her child and trying to ease that fear. If she's not so scared, she probably won't freak out on you so much. Ask her what she needs to be more comfortable. Maybe your brother can call her (and block his number) once a day for a week or so and let her talk to her son. Maybe your brother wouldn't mind meeting her even. Maybe you just let BM "babysit" if it's that important to her - it's not like Dad is spending the time with him, so why not? I don't know. But if you want HER to stop being so combative, it might be worth trying to see where she's coming from and trying to reassure her that her kid is all right.
Ya know Allyskoo I thought
Ya know Allyskoo I thought about this when she first started spouting off but that thought ended when she said she didn’t care who babysat him on the weekends but that if we have him for 3 weeks that Dh needed to physically be with him-it didn’t make any sense at all. Also, Ss has been with us for a weeks’ time and my family babysit him because SHE was out of town but it wasn’t a problem then because she needed someone to watch Ss. Bm lives almost an hour away in the opposite direction of both of our jobs so it wouldn’t make sense for her to watch him during the time we work. She’s reaching. She text Dh at one point “Thank you for giving me proof that you don’t use this 3 weeks to spend time with MY son” basically insinuating that she’s going to try to get the vacation time taken away because Dh works. It’s ridiculous. I see your point though and it would make sense for a rational person but this girl isn’t rational, she’s out of her mind. What’s even more comical is that we went thru all of that all of Tuesday and yet yesterday she didn’t bother to call Ss at all…It’s all so Weird.
*lol* She may just be nuts
I will say though that if someone is doing something that doesn't make any sense to me, my first reaction is to try to get to the root of it. Sometimes there IS no explanation for crazy, but sometimes you can get an answer that you can at least WORK with, you know? It's entirely possible that there's nothing you can do to calm her down. But you may as well try sugar before vinegar, as long as it doesn't cost you anything. Don't bend over backwards for her, but maybe if your DH just asks (as he did last time) "Where is this coming from? Since Brother babysat before when you were on vacation, I never would have thought this was an issue. What's going on?" It sounds like even just asking the question dialed her back last time, so I think I'd do that again.
Meh, it may not be their job,
Meh, it may not be their job, I'm just pointing out that it may be in their best interests. Being confrontational just because it's not your JOB not to be isn't a good excuse, you know?
However, from the OP's response to me I don't think they've been doing anything to escalate - and I'm not entirely sure they can do anything to calm things down either. I mean, it might be worth a shot, the next time she amps up the crazy, but I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope based on the additional info.
"If someone told me, "Hey,
"If someone told me, "Hey, I'm going to leave your son with some dude you've never met and I'm not even going to tell you how to call and make sure he's OK bwahahahahah!" I would Flip.My.SHIT. *shrug*"
You know when you get to be in 100% control of your child at every moment of the child's life? When you are in a relationship with the other parent of the child. This is simply one of the realities of divorce with children.
The child's father is not an employee of the mother. He is capable of choosing a childcare provider for the kid on his time. She does not need to micromanage it because, again, she's not in charge.
BM does not need the babysitter's contact information if it is not her parenting time. The father, who is not her employee, is able to reach the babysitter and vice versa.
If the mother has anxiety about this, then she needs to see a therapist. It is an emotional problem that she has, and instead of projecting it outward and creating conflict, she should deal with herself like a responsible and reasonable adult.
"In the short run though, I'd suggest getting to the root of her fear for her child and trying to ease that fear. If she's not so scared, she probably won't freak out on you so much. Ask her what she needs to be more comfortable. Maybe your brother can call her (and block his number) once a day for a week or so and let her talk to her son. Maybe your brother wouldn't mind meeting her even. Maybe you just let BM "babysit" if it's that important to her - it's not like Dad is spending the time with him, so why not? I don't know. But if you want HER to stop being so combative, it might be worth trying to see where she's coming from and trying to reassure her that her kid is all right."
Respectfully, this would be like rewarding a temper tantrum throwing toddler with the piece of candy they're pitching a fit over. It is not OP and DH's job to make BM feel good. BM is not a little girl, is she? My BM wants all of the control and to not experience any consequences of her own choices. She wants to be both Authoritative Mother and Poor Wittle Child, all at the same time. Yeah, no. She's an adult. It's not up to us to hold her hand and help her cope, especially when she can't manage a baseline of respectful behavior.
Again, if a BM is having trouble coping with the realities of parenting after divorce, there are therapists she can see to discuss her anxiety.
I see what you're saying, but
I see what you're saying, but again, I'm not suggesting this for BM's benefit - I'm suggesting that this will make the OP and her DH's lives easier. It's one thing to not "reward" her if the OP thinks it will make things worse, and that's certainly possible. But to not do it because it's "not their job"? I find that a weird argument. It's cutting off your nose to spite your face, you know? "I'm not going to try to make things better for her - EVEN IF it would make my life easier - because I don't have to! Nah nah nah!" :?