Help -- Abandonment
Anyone else have a spouse that has abandoned their kids?
I'm the step mom and I tried to leave my husband because I hate his kids. He begged me for a second chance and told me he could make it all better, so I stayed. He hasn't seen them or spoken to them in over a year. I feel guilty but am happy they are gone. I am starting to realized he is feeling guilty. Anyone gone though anything similar?
I'm not sure what to do to keep us both happy or if we can even make this work.
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Seems like there is a better
Seems like there is a better solution than him just walking away from his kids completely.
How old are the skids? Why
How old are the skids? Why did you want to leave? Were skids horrible, was BM horrible? I don't think the answer to this is black and white.
For instance, my skids are 16 and 17 and my DH is a hairs breadth away from walking away from them (acknowledging them on Christmas and B-Day and that is it) But this has been 18 years in the making. Both BMs have made DH's life a living hell for 18 years. DH put up with their crap because he didn't want to be that dad who walked away, he wanted his kids to be good, successful, citizens.. like most parents want! And guess what his 18 years of tolerating hell has got him? Two kids who don't give a rats ass about him (unless they want money) Two kids, who are clearly destined for jail, minimum wage jobs or no jobs, will be lucky to graduate from high school, because they have zero motivation and don't want to listen to a word DH says, because their dysfunctional mothers poo poo and coddle them so they can keep that CS money rolling in every month.
I know it bothers DH that he doesn't have a good relationship with skids, but I think it bothers him more that his skids have turned out they way they have and have CHOSEN to shun him and act the fool.
He gave up his children for
He gave up his children for you?
Think 3x before getting pregnant with this one since he has proven that he will walk away from long-term responsibilities for a cutie-pie. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior ... he'll walk from you and your future children as well.
Please encourage him to develop a healthy relationship with his children. His choices have a ripple-effect upon the lifetimes of many people.
I may get angry with SO and his situation with SD and SGkids, but I can hold my head high that he is at least friggin' trying to parent. If I were you I would be shamed that I am hanging out with a weak, panty-waist-style of guy.
"...If he can toss them aside
"...If he can toss them aside with such alacrity, ..." -- wickedsm123
I love a person with an active vocabulary ! :} Just admiring the word choice.
Abandoned? No. PAS'd out in a
Abandoned? No. PAS'd out in a huge way? Yes.
But if you're outright saying that because of you (and only you) he stopped seeing his kids, then that's sorta selfish and creepy. Although I'm guessing (hoping) the situation wasn't as black and white as that.
I was breaking up with my SO a few years ago because of all the drama surrounding his kids... namely the Bowel Movement - and the kids were the only way she had to eff around with SO. I wasn't telling him I didn't want him to see his kids, I was telling him that his Ex Life was way too dysfunctional and drama filled, and I had zero need or use for that. He kicked the Ex to the cyber curb, blocked the bitch, and she went nuts and PAS'd the kids (well, one is still a PAS in progress...). But that was going to happen eventually anyway - his Ex is one bat, crap crazy ho.
This situation is similar to
This situation is similar to mine. I told my dh that I couldn't take the drama with bm. She is extremely high conflict. I told him that he needed to put up some major boundaries and that we would deal with skids only. But with bm there is no separation between her and skids. They are not small children. So there is no relationship with the skids right now.
I myself don't dislike the skids. Now if they an attitude of hating me or trying make trouble my home, then I would have an issue with it.
Why do you not want skids around, that is what I am wondering.
If your dh is a typical man then chances are that after a while he will lose touch with them, then not take care of them financially. It is sad but true, men are not built like women. It seems men have no problem creating new families or being with new woman without ever looking back. Statistics show that men who abandon kids have no issue not looking back, as where a woman who does will most always seek out her kids. It is what it is.
I think the thought that men will feel bad in the future is a fantasy that is created by women to try to justify that a man can be so terrible.
No matter how high conflict a
No matter how high conflict a child is, there is always a way around it. Your H can see his children out of your home. Nothing stops him from seeing his children, the same as nothing stops you from not seeing them. I would strongly urge you to encourage your H to see his children without you.
As of a month now I do not see my SS but my OH most definitely does see him as normal. There is always a compromise. This will remain the status quo until such time as SS's alienation is complete. It however will NEVER be my doing nor my SO's that SS is not seen by my SO.