RUN while you can. You are FOURTH in this man's life. His children come before you. You say you feel like an outsider. Don't expect it to improve.

I am glad they posted before me because I was going to say HOORAY for you. I know that's harsh but it comes from a good place...

Sounds like kids that are dealing with attachment issues. You may have dodged a bullet... Those are the hardest relationships to be in IMHO. You will always take a back seat to the kids and that will be hard on you.

10 and 13 climbing all over him and fighting for his hand. That tells you all you need to know right there. Kids are stunted and dad will defend their right to stay stunted ad infinitum. Everything else just piles on how terrible a marriage to him would be.

BTW I can tell you right now why he poofed. One or both kids gave him puppy dog eyes about how they didn't like you, you made them "uncomfortable," or they weren't "ready." Dad's chest puffed out of his shirt and he declared he would protect them from evil Vanessa from that moment forward.

Ask us, we're all evil, you too even though you only barely met them.

I know you miss him and are in shock and it all hurts. But I agree with everyone else: you dodged a bullet.

divorced men with children are guided by the powerful feeling of guilt. that is why they do what they do, including ignoring their second wives or girlfriends.

it does not get better. after 20 years i have learned to have my own life while dh goes gaga over his skid.

yes, you dodged a bullet. i have been to that movie of having the skids crawl all over him while i walked behind like a stranger. you have seen clearly what like would be like if you married this man.

Actually he is a weak man. If he wants a booty call without strings he should be honest about it and use the time when his kids are with their mother getting all he can get. Preferably paying for it to be completely honest and business-like.

Instead he thinks he can be FOTY (Father Of The Year) AND be a boyfriend. Well he should stick to his kids and being a father because he cannot find a way to mix both parts of himself. He cannot raise his kids to be mindful of good behaviour and what is and isn't acceptable in public so he certainly would not be open to helpful advice from a woman who has already raised her children.

The man you loved was not authentic. He was artificial. Spend time away from him and his children. If he contacts you tell him he has his hands full raising his children and doesn't have time for anything else.

And next time maybe find a man who doesn't have young children and has kids who are well adjusted and can behave themselves and are selfless and only want their Dad to be happy. I know men like that are out there.

He will probably get back to you when he realizes he was lucky you even gave him the time of day...IGNORE. You deserve to be someone's number one. You already did the Mom thing, don't date anyone with kids under 21 or living with him!

No advice, but I saw a similar situation in a check out line at the mall. These were all strangers to me. Man and his two preteen kids, looked about a boy of ten and a girl of 12. And what I guess is probably SM.

They were a little ways ahead of me, and it was a long slow line. What caught my attention, is they were literally acting like poorly behaved preschoolers. My son is 3 and he was better behaved and less clingy in the checkout line.

They were bouncing all around, running a little, very hyper. Very loud. Clinging all over daddy. Literally like toddlers. The SM was standing about 2 feet away from them, alone and in her own world. At first I wondered if they were separate, but she was holding the purchases, the dad and kids holding nothing. Then after maybe 3 minutes dad and kids inch farther and farther away as kids gradually pull dad a little farther from the line. So they can have more room to be hyper and loud. Then I'm again wondering maybe they aren't together? But when she finally paid they all walked out as a group.

I can imagine. It is humiliating and isolating. My kids are 11, same age about as those kids. I cannot cannot imagine how humiliated I would be if they acted like that. Well I can, cause my SD was always like that.

Hello, welcome, and trust me when I say I know how you are feeling.

Only I wasted 4 years with my own bastard.

If I had seen all the signs you have and had the chance to run before things got serious I would have, you have seriously escaped from at the very least an emotionally soul destroying relationship, at worst the hell I went through.

Please listen to us, I know how hurt and confused you are - I really do. I am STILL hurt and confused and my relationship with the love of my life ended last November (he swore I was the only woman he had ever loved, we were going to be together forever, I was the only one he wanted, blah blah blah)

He just could not parent his kid, they sound very much like yours. Only I didn't get to see it until it was too late and we had moved in together. Then all the shit started - kids all over him like a rash - even IN our bed with him. SD then 12 told me once "I love it when you go out early on Saturdays because I get into bed with MY daddy and take YOUR place snuggling with him!" (HE would be naked when I left the bed..... boggles the mind) That was just the beginning. When we bought a house together SD really ramped it up. I went through hell because of that girl and his inability to be a real father. He allowed so much - I was called whore, bitch, cheap and nasty.... she stole from my dd's and I, she went through our stuff all the time, she was rude and manipulative. So many things. And he never ONCE did anything to fix it, to stop her, to support me. Things ended last year when she ran crying to daddy pretending I had done something to her (all I did was tell her to not ever touch my or dd's stuff ever again) and he ATTACKED ME - TRIED TO THROW ME DOWN THE STAIRS.

I now have an intervention order, he has been to court numerous times, and I am still wondering what the hell happened to the man I loved who supposedly loved me. It still hurts and I am still getting over what I went through with them. I still miss him.

So please, when he tries to come crawling back - say no. Understand that the hurt you are feeling right now is nothing compared to the pain you will feel after a few years of dealing with this.

You have had a lucky escape, he has shown you who he is and he sees nothing wrong with it, with his parenting, with his kids, and with how they ALL treat you.

Find someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved, you are WORTH that.

It hurts now but trust that this is best. His actions when his kids around make it clear that he is not ready to balance a relationship with fatherhood. You would always be an afterthought.

I could not date a man with young kids at this point in my life.