BTW I am NOT looking to salvage the business once we split. It's not my first business and I have little doubt I can do it again (if I need).

Okay with a few minutes, let me help everyone understand the marriage relationship.

This was an online long-distance meeting which held lots of promise initially. After dealing with immigration (from Canada), building a business, buying a house and trying to understand one another, here is the determination.

We are not right for each other. People love in different ways. I am lacking in the things she wants (and needs) and vice versa. She thinks she loves me, but we have different definitions and different ways of showing it. It has never been a "fairy tale" romance and has always been a cooperative living arrangement. We have no love life, never go out and rarely fight. Great roommates, but not a loving relationship. Had either of us known more earlier, I doubt we would be where we are at.

She is aware of what is lacking in the relationship and we do talk about that (more often than I care to), she is aware of my frustrations with the skids and respects my "disengaging" and has been supportive in picking up the slack. She is NOT aware that I am counting the days (so to speak).

Now...should things get better beforehand, wonderful! However, it isn't like I haven't been trying everything in the world to make it better. We just simply see the world through different eyes and have different ideas about what a relationship should be.

She feels that we should be here for them FOREVER if the "kids" (grown adults) need somewhere to live, yet does not understand that this is only enabling them to be users and not providers. (a trait which is big part of the BD) Hence the SS23 living here and not saving a dime (I found it too frustrating to help him understand finances). He cannot work in the US, has a job offer in Canada, but won't take it because life is too "sweet" here. Spends most of his day playing games online. DW is fine with it all.

Meanwhile, I could use the room for a much needed private office, could use a smaller grocery bill and utility bill as well. He contributes to the business a few hours (10-15) per week and (I must admit) is generally accommodating when asked.

More later....

There are clearly more details than I could ever express on here. I simply don't like to type that much.

It was foolish of me to think anyone else would have an answer as only I know all the variables.

However, I do find that having a place to voice my feelings is most helpful.

So I will be changing the "tone" of the discussion from "help" to "another day in the life of". I do not expect anyone to have any answers (try as you might) and appreciate all of you who have taken the time to respond to my dilemma.

There is no going back. I can admit to not making the wisest decisions and have "made my bed".

I have had multiple conversations about everything with DW INCLUDING the feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and frustration. The only thing she is not aware of is how impossible I feel staying together is. You cannot make someone love you the way you want to be loved. It is either in their personality or it is not.

Our entire realities seem to be completely different.

I have spent many, many years trying to help her with her own self esteem issues (damage done by EH and childhood) in hopes that she would be able to love herself, thereby making it possible for her to truly love someone else (yes...I mean ME!). I raised SS16 since he was 4 and tried my best to make a good person out of him, only to watch him being deceitful, dishonest, lazy and selfish. His two older brothers were a challenge (as any 11 year old would be) and I did my best to always treat them as my own.

I provided them with everything they could ever need, guided them with the best advice I could offer and truly feel there was nothing I could have done better. Now one lives like a bum in my house with no foreseeable change and one in jail who blames me for everything wrong in his life? WTF?

SS16 is aware of my distain for his behavior and couldn't care less. He is happy that I have "disengaged" for now he can do whatever he wants without hearing about it from me. A bedtime that is not enforced, chores that are never done (mind you, he only has to empty the trash and clean the bathrooms on the weekends...oh and get the mail), not doing homework resulting in my paying $200 for summer school (yes, he is supposed to pay me back...yeah right...not gonna happen)

BS8 is feeling my distress and I must do better to hide it, for I know he thinks he is the cause and is too young to comprehend.

I don't feel loved. I don't feel desirable. I feel used. I am tired. The house is a mess unless I clean it. I cook dinner every night (tried asking for help and all DW will ever cook is macaroni & cheese and tuna sandwiches. She doesn't eat right and won't eat most of the things I cook and opts for peanut butter toast. I have voiced my concerns on her nutrition but she doesn't like to eat and sees no problem. (she's a ex-friggin' nurse!)

I don't have a solution and feel there is none. I "lost" my first son in a divorce when he was 2, she disappeared out of state and it took me 6 years to find him, saw him once and she moved again (always chasing a new guy and never telling me so I wouldn't interfere in his new "stepdad's" relationship! WTF? Found him again at 15 when I had to pick him up because his BM was in jail for dealing drugs (he was the one who called the police! LOL). At this point he was a mess and after 6 months, moved in with his friends family against my wishes and with no assistance from the state. "He's old enough to make that decision for himself" Really!?! WTF?

I won't let that happen to this son. She technically cannot leave the country with him, but who's to say how long it will take for me to have any chance of getting him back? Especially since I cannot personally travel into Canada (long story, but an important factor). There is no chance of me getting custody should we split and no way I am going to let him go down the path of his BB.

So here I sit, tired, exhausted and feeling alone. Knowing that I must keep it together for a few more years and wondering how I will ever do it. There is no chance SS16 is going to be ready to venture out on his own anytime soon and if history proves true, he will be back and I will be footing the bill. The only end in sight is when BS8 is old enough to make his own decisions and hope he chooses wisely.

I don't hate DW, she really does try to help, but she doesn't see the world as I do and therefore never sees the problem. If I point anything out, I can see it effects her own personal self-esteem and I back off. She simply doesn't see it. Never has, never will. I explain things...she says she understands...but nothing changes. She either forgets or I later find out she completely misunderstood. I say "here is an apple" and she hears "take this orange". I have never seen worse communication between two people. We are from completely different backgrounds so it should be a surprise, but you'd think after 12 years something would stick.

I am tired. I am a mess. However, after typing this...I do feel better.

Thank you for being here.