What I learned as a stepmom
I don't want to hijack KathC post or come off as a real bitch. I spent 9 years with my mentally ill ex husband. He cost me financially, emotionall, physically. He abused me both mentally and emotionally and when he decieded that being phsyical was the next step it didn't go very well for him.
My main point is all those years he bitched about BM1 and everything was her fault, boo hoo him he was a good dad, wanted the kids more. I could go on and on. But he was the problem no one else. When the kids were with us, I was the one parenting and he lay on the couch ordering us around and calling the shots. I have clarity now which is often impossible when you are in the thick of it.
I see so much BS in a lot of the ladies lives on here that mirror that. BM isn't always the problem... the husband is or plays a huge role in it. Not saying that there are not some evil bitches out there.
Minimal CS doesn't make up for having to do it all by yourself while being subjected to an angry lazy man who does the minimal while he has the kids and then bad mouths your parenting and threatens you, bullies you with all sorts of legal hell just because he can and because he has a new GF who is a willing audience and sympathetic shoulder.
There are two sides to every story... even to mine. I wasn't the perfect wife, I was for the first 5 years but then I was used and exhausted, but I never deserved what I got and my son deserves a btter father than what he gets.
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I get it completly. I spent
I get it completly. I spent the last three years with a man with two kids who used me to do a lot of the parenting. He moved out yesterday (Father's Day) and I woke up this morning feeling free. I know why his ex-wife left him. He was lazy and dumb as a box of rocks. Unable to make a sound decision, or act from a place of measure instead of emotion and haste. He cut off his nose to spite his face yesterday, threatening to leave with nowhere to go. I called his bluff and a uHaul. I feel like I lost 200lbs.
You are completely right in
You are completely right in this. I think that no parent is necessarily "perfect" and it amounts to how the two parents add up together. My DH isn't a bad father, but he can be lazy and is far from perfect. BM isn't a bad mother, but she enables and many of the problems SD24 faces today are BM's fault for helicopter parenting or acting out on just plain crazy thoughts. (ie SD is obviously on drugs just because she didn't answer her phone, and calling DH immediately about this.) I think DH and I work together a bit better than he and BM did because we don't focus on yelling at each other and prefer to have less conflict and take care of our kids. DH and BM fought way too much, so DH never wanted to be there. I do more of the child rearing here compared to DH, but it seems to balance out in its own way.
I'm only glad that DH can be detached, and that SD was already a teenager when we met. I would never be serious with a man with young children (even though mine are lol.) Just have to hope things work out with my DH.
I can remember the first time
I can remember the first time I saw him loose it on BM about a month after we married. She was 5 minutes earlty to pick up the kids and they sort of argued about it ( it should have been no big deal as they were just watching TV..not quality parenting time and she responded back to his yelling at her and he pulled back his fist like he was going to punch her. I remember think man she can push his buttons, now I look back at it like holy shit I should have left then as that was my first warning.
I think most of us SMs will
I think most of us SMs will eventually see that it "takes two to tango." I can clearly see that Chef has massive personality flaws as well does the Girhippo. At first I thought that Chef was trying to be a "loving involved father." (TM)
Both should have been fixed at birth IMHO.
Little did I realize that Chef was trying to BUY their friendship (with my financial resources) and not demand their respect via artful parenting. The Girhippo is a "princess type" that needs to be constantly showered with praise and adored. She is "practically perfect in every way" in her own mind. I can see that once Chef stopped praising and adoring her (like two seconds after they had their FIRST kid) the "romance" ended.
Basically two immature people with massive egos collided. And three kids got caught in the middle but the Gir 'n' clan's PAS war won over.
It ended for us when I
It ended for us when I stopped babying him and expected him to particapte in life. He thrives on poor me, once that stops it is over.
OMG - the victim. Yes. I know
OMG - the victim. Yes. I know him well. My ex (tiny tears) fed off of sympathy. I'm one day free and feel like a weight has been lifted.
Like I said on the other
Like I said on the other blog, we know your story and we know that you are not a GUBM.
When my future DH and I started dating, I took everything he said about BM with a HUGE grain of salt. Don't all people say their exes are "crazy"? I totally went into step-land thinking that we would all help each other out...like SANE ADULTS. BM proved to me all on her own that he may have UNDER stated how she was.
Of course my DH wasn't a perfect parent. Nobody is. He DEFINITELY had a lot of growing up to do as a partner/spouse!! But he definitely did not deserve the damage BM caused to his relationship with his own children just because he couldn't live with her anymore.
I know that most of you guys
I know that most of you guys know I am not a bitch, it just makes me sad when I read some peoples blogs and I think, man does he have you snowed.
BM1 & I did wish each other a happy fathers day, because ex is a crappy dad and the kids know it. Her boys are sick of going there. Ex was an ass this weekend with them. He did do something on Saturday with the kids and then checked out and was nasty with them and then me when I picked up BS.
Sweet T, my post had nothing
Sweet T, my post had nothing to do with situations like yours. I personally know more than one case where the BM is a PASing bitch and the dad is actually a decent guy who's getting screwed--and I'm looking at those from the outside and not being involved on the inside. There are even people on here (tog comes to mind immediately) who have spent small fortunes trying to do right by their skids and having them alienated. There are definitely men who are deadbeats and there are also mothers who are deadbeats (I know we've got a couple members here who are raising their skids and BMs never show up at all).