Help with potty training.....at my wit's end!!!
TMI ALERT: If you're disturbed by talk about poop, don't read on.
For the background, I'm a stbSM of 4....SD15 and SDstb12 with BM1, and SS5 and SSstb4 with BM2. I get along great with all of my skids, get along great with BM1, and relationship has improved with BM2 to the point where we can sit and chat at shared events, sometimes text pics of the kids, etc.
The problem is SSstb4. He turns 4 in less than a month and STILL poops his pants every single day. It is at the point where we have to keep him in pull-ups 24/7 because he sinmply cannot go without an accident. We only have SSs once a month, as they live in Texas and we live in North Carolina (we fly down to see them).
SSstb4 has had a really hard time potty training, we think because of all the change. My SO and BM2 separated, and she started dating his new SF RIGHT away. I was dating SO shortly after, but didn't meet the kids and the boys didn't know about me. BM2 brought newSF around the kids RIGHT away and he is VERY different from SO. To be fair, he seems like a really nice guy, loves the kids, etc which is what we care about. However, SO is a fairly posh British guy, into music, photography, sailing, culture, etc. while newSF is a TEXAN through and through. Think 'Murica, military, huntin', fishin' etc. Fine, just very different from the way SSs were brought up originally. BM2 is a chameleon, and now that she is with newSF she is suddenly into all that. (For reference, when SO she used to spend THOUSANDS a year at Nordstroms....as far as I know they don't sell camo there). Once the divorce was final, BM2 got engaged one month after, pregnant one month after that, and married 3 months after that....a lot of very fast changes. Poos SSstb4 seemed a little lost in the shuffle.
Any progress made potty training reversed. He is finally at the point where he will pee in the toilet, but pretty much refuses to poop in the toilet, will maybe do it once a week. I almost feel like he is doing it on purpose....like it is one little thing he can control so he is stubborn about it. It is hard, since he is with BM2 95% of the time. She is frustrated as well; communicates with us about how she is trying, is probably going to take him to a psychologist, etc. We have tried rewards (skittles/candy when you go in the toilet), bribing (if you go in the toilet all day you can pick any toy you want from Target), no stress (let him bring the ipad in there and just watch a show and relax), and punishment (if you poop your pants, you can't swim in the pool today). etc. The only thing that works SOMETIMES is the relax with the ipad, but we don't always have 40 minutes to let him sit around and hope he poops. He mostly just sits in there, doesn't even TRY to push.
I make sure I ask him every 20-30 minutes if he has to go. The problem is, he will just lie! He will say no, then poop his pants 5 minutes later. He always tells us when he has to pee, it is just a poop issue. I AM GOING CRAZY!!! I only cleaned it up once out of maybe 5 times this weekend....I made SO handle it. He thinks I am being mean if I punish him....I tell him we are disappointed or mad, and that he can't do X fun event today because he pooped. However, SO always caves and lets him do it anyways after making him sit and watch while he mopes for 10 minutes or so.
I AM DESPERATE!! HELP!!! Any tips please? Have any of you gone through this? I don't want a 4 year old who is pooping his pants constantly!
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Comments
Before you start punishing,
Before you start punishing, the kid may not be able to feel when he's gotta go.
What if my child resists? If
What if my child resists?
If your child resists using the toilet, he or she probably isn't ready. Sometimes toilet training disruptions or delays are caused by stress or major changes in routine. Also, a child who is doing well with toilet training may suddenly have difficulty for no obvious reason. This is a normal part of toilet training. It is best to start or resume toilet training when your child is receptive to it and in a stable environment.
Your child's toilet training experience should be positive. If it becomes a struggle or a battle of wills, it is best to ease up or stop for a while. Although you may be ready for toilet training, your child may not be.
http://www.childrenshealthnetwork.org/CRS/CRS/pa_btrainin_hhg.htm
Please think carefully about toilet training with punishments. It can cause long term problems for the child emotionally.
If you only see the kid once
If you only see the kid once a month, I'm not sure that anything you do or don't do is going to have much of an effect on this kid? My only suggestion would be to ditch the pullups. It needs to be uncomfortable for him to poop in his pants. I mean to me, putting a diaper or a pull up on a kid is an open invitation to NOT use the potty? :?
This is all true. I detest
This is all true.
I detest pull ups and refuse to use them.
Although, I had a client
Although, I had a client (7yo) who walked away with poop falling out of his trouser leg. Talk about a trail of bread crumbs.
The child psychiatrist we
The child psychiatrist we took SD5 to commented that 4 is late for a neurotypical child to not be potty trained.
It sounds like at this point it is a battle of wills. That is partially what we went through with SD5. What we had to do was to take the pull ups away exclusively. Even at night (I washed a lot of sheets) because she knew if she was wearing a pull up and wouldn't even try. Every time she had an accident she had to clean the mess up herself. She had to take off her own clothes, put her dirty clothes in the washer, give herself a bath (we turned the water on for her but she had to clean herself up, we also used luke warm water, not cold but not hot either, the point was not to make it a fun experience) , dress herself in clean clothes, and clean up any mess she made on the floor. Do not remind him to go, do not bribe him, do not even bring it up. Just take the pull ups away and when he goes in his pants he cleans it up.
We did this with SD5 and it didn't take long for her to realize she wasn't getting away with going in her pull ups anymore.
This is, of course, assuming there are no developmental concerns. If there are, all bets are off.
This is kind of a sensitive topic but I will go ahead and put my flame suit on and disagree with previous posters who say he just isn't ready yet. Assuming there are no developmental, emotional, or medical issues there is absolutely no reason for a child of that age not to be potty trained. A couple of generations ago all kids were potty trained at two. Ask your grandmothers. Kids never used to be allowed to go this long still going in their pants. At some point it is time for kids to go in the toilet whether they like it or not. There is a reason preschools do not take children who aren't toilet trained.
^^ Good advice ^^
This comes across as harsh to
This comes across as harsh to many people, I don't really understand why but perhaps I am just a bitch, but I do not think deciding when to potty train should be a decision left up to kids. Yes, of course, you shouldn't start it until they are showing some signs of readiness or are capable of doing things like pulling their pants up and of course this mini rant is only applicable to children who are perfectly normal medically, developmentally, emotionally, etc.
I don't consider myself a control freak at all but I just don't understand why so many children are allowed to decide how long they use a bottle, how long they sleep with mom and dad, how long they use diapers, etc. I truly feel these are decisions the parents should be making not the child.
I also feel that one of the reasons SD was so hard to potty train because she had been allowed to make all of these types of decisions. I hear so many parents say their child is strong willed. Oh that won't work for my child because she is strong willed. I don't doubt that some kids are just born stubborn little shits but I can't help but wonder how many kids are labeled strong willed simply because they have been allowed to make all the decisions and have therefore learned that they don't have to do anything they don't want to do and when they are finally told to do something they don't want just dig their heels in and throw tantrums. Suddenly they are labeled "strong willed" when it could very likely be just a simple case of spoiling. :?
It's great that you "truly
It's great that you "truly feel these are decisions the parents should be making not the child" and you're more than welcome to make that call when it comes to your OWN child. But not mine, obviously.
Look, this isn't laziness or "bad parenting" on my part when I allow my child to set the pace for some milestone like potty training. This is me talking to the pediatrician, reading studies done on long term results, discussing it with my husband, and then making an informed decision. The fact that someone who is NOT my child's parent disagrees with my decision leaves me totally unmoved.
Here's my own personal experiences. My oldest son coslept with us. Strong willed? *snort* He would literally scream until he puked until I came and got him out of his crib. Every time. (Yes, I did try CIO. It was a miserable fucking failure on all counts.) You ever have to give an 18 month old a bath at 2 am, then change all the sheets and remake the bed, and THEN go to work the next day? I was a zombie, DH was a zombie, DS was miserable and crabby, it was horrid. We started cosleeping and our entire family was happier and functioned better. And then just before my son turned 5 he decided to start sleeping in his own bed in his own room all night. No tears no fuss, he just up and did it. Cosleeping just could not have worked better for us, and my son is now 6 and happy and confident and independent.
Further, I have 2 year old twins. My girl is almost potty trained. She still has accidents, but she tells me when she has to go for the most part, and she can be in underwear instead of diapers all day (including naps). My son? Not so much. In fact, the babysitter has been trying to force him to sit on the potty and getting upset with him when he doesn't, and now he's regressing and gets VERY angry if we suggest not wearing a diaper. (I'm ready to kill the babysitter for forcing the issue, she's caused WAY more harm than good.) And *I* believe that by forcing the issue with my son instead of letting him set his own pace that she's set potty training back by MONTHS. *I* don't understand how she could have POSSIBLY thought that turning this into a pissing contest (you'll pardon the pun) was a good idea AT ALL. And since I'm talking about MY KIDS, we're going to go with MY OPINION on raising them. Obviously.
I did potty training rather
I did potty training rather unconventionally. In three days had it done. He went without pants for that weekend. We went nowhere and that kid sat on the potty a long time. He had a couple of accidents, but got it. Now my sister had this problem with my SD. She was late as well and seemed to want to control this. She kept giving her foods and prunes one weekend and the kid was going the whole time. She finally got it.
I agree he may not be ready. My niece was almost 4 and that kid was stubborn. So was my sister and I think the prune juice is probably the winner in that battle.
I'm not sure if my mom
I'm not sure if my mom intentionally potty trained my brother by having him pee on trees outside but I do know when he was young we spent a lot of time at a local lake and the only facilities there were an outhouse. We generally chose to just pee in the woods so that is what he did at home too.
It took Mom forever to figure out what was killing all the house plants.
You can't potty train him.
You can't potty train him. You can't. You have him once a month, he's not willing to be trained, you can't. *shrug* You can ruin your relationship with him (or his dad's relationship with him) if you want to push it though.
Nope, let BM train him, and let your SO deal with changing him. YOU stay completely out of it. This is not a "you don't have the right" kind of thing - this is a "this is making you nuts and there is no reason in the world this is your problem" kind of thing. This is the BENEFIT of being the SM instead of the BM - he's not your monkey so you don't have to clean the cage!
You clearly want to help, and that's to your credit, but take note of the stories you read here! Many, MANY women wanted to "help" when they first became SMs. It got to be too much - too many demands, zero appreciation, too much expectation - but by then it was too late. Don't fall into that trap! Potty training is making you crazy, so this is NOT WHERE YOU SHOULD HELP! Find something you ENJOY helping with and do that instead.
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your comments! I do know that I can't train him, I just wanted some tips for the weekends/time we do have them.
We will also have them for a month this summer and, assuming he isn't trained by then, I wanted some tips for the extended time. SS5 was pretty much potty trained instantly.
I think that consistency of
I think that consistency of approach is a key factor. Although you can't train him yourself, your husband should be communicating with BM and being consistent with the strategies that she is using when he has his son.
Okay, I have a nephew (DH's
Okay, I have a nephew (DH's side) that is 4 and is okay with peeing in the potty but not poo. Turns out when he was younger (he did really well with the potty for the first few weeks) it's because he once had constipation and sat on the toilet to go and then it hurt so he associates pain with the potty. He does the same thing--lies about if he as to go or not. Absolutely refuses to poo in the potty.
DH says it's because little boys are afraid of a monster coming out of the toilet and biting them on the butt... but I think that's just him.