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OT - my father is a deadbeat

MidwestStepmom's picture

Submitted by MidwestStepmom on Wed, 04/15/2015 - 12:15am

I'm all up in my feelings and I need to vent somewhere. My mother and I have a very strained relationship, and I don't want to hear "I told you so".

My father abandoned me when my mother was pregnant with me. He made contact with my mom when I was 13 because she was trying to collect CS (never paid a dime in 18 years). At the age of 21 I decided to look for him and it only took me a few hours to find him on Facebook. Looking back on this now it upsets me because he could have searched for me just as easily. Between the ages of 21 and 27 I've seen him twice in person cause I flew out there. I invited him to my wedding and he flaked. This past weekend he was going to be in my home state and wanted to do dinner. I gave him 4 days that I was available and I was just waiting for him to pick one. I was excited because he has never met BSstb1, and he is my pride and joy in life. Today was the day he had to fly back home and I never received anymore communication. so I texted him asking if he even came to my home state, he said yes but then gave me a bunch of lame excuses. He was to busy up in his feelings about his current wife asking for a divorce over 2 months ago. I am extremely pissed that he flaked on me again! He doesn't know me well enough, but there is one thing I am good at, I can go radio silence if I don't want a relationship anymore and I think I need to do this. He has always been nothing to me and always will be.

So when BMs call out the fathers as deadbeats, use this as a prime example.

BTW- after me, he had three more children with three more women. I don't understand this guy, he has a masters in education, and E9 with the Army, but completely worthless when it comes to family.

Comments

Indigo's picture

Submitted by Indigo on Wed, 04/15/2015 - 12:32am

I'm sorry that he hurt you again. Good for you for trying to develop a connection. You opened that door just a wee bit and he just didn't have it. You KNOW that it's about him. It's always been about his lack of skills or emotional development or whatever, but that doesn't stop the sting of disappointment.

Sending you a quick mental (hug).

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Submitted by Pilgrim Soul on Wed, 04/15/2015 - 3:18am

I have no real relationship with my father either, have stopped thinking of him as my family, have never felt loved or supported by him.
He only met my kids who are 15 and 18 a handful of times.

Heres what I was once told by a very smart woman: stop going to that well, it's dry. You will not get any water out of it.
I find this mental image to be very helpful.

Stop going to that well. Find love elsewhere .

IamexhaustedSM's picture

Submitted by IamexhaustedSM on Wed, 04/15/2015 - 10:47am

I think I was 18 when I truly realized my dad was never going to do anything to have a relationship with me or my 2 siblings. My brother has chased our father his whole life. I give up. I will probably not even know when he dies. Oh well. I look at some my friends that had real "dads" and it hurts. I wish I could have had that. I am just glad my DD will have that with her dad.

Your father was never there for you and probably never will be. I am sorry and I do know that it stings, especially when you see a real dad and daughter.

DarkStar's picture

Submitted by DarkStar on Wed, 04/15/2015 - 2:08pm

My mother died a year ago this Mother's Day weekend. I arm-chair-diagnosed her as NPD. When she died, I thought I would be relieved and happy. But, I'm not. I am grieving the loss of the mother I had and the mother I never had. Also grieving the loss of the idea that we could ever work through our issues and be closer as mother/daughter.

I think it's the "idea" of mother and father that makes us sad because it's what we lacked.