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Perhaps I'm just in a horrible mood, BUT...

hollyissad's picture

Submitted by hollyissad on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 6:51pm

I seriously want to punch anyone who has the nerve to criticize stepparents who are doing the BEST they can for not being enough.

For every person who has ever said "you should love them like your own". Well, you know what? SHE'S NOT MY OWN! Do you love your neighbor's kid like they are your own? No? Well perhaps you should! Apparently everyone should love everyone's kids like they are their own even when they aren't.

And in the next breath "don't try to be their mother!" Well now, you should LOVE them like they are your own, while not daring to try and think they are your own. I see, makes total sense.

You should do EVERYTHING for them, and give up all your life's happiness, never criticize, always be happy and cheerful and kind, while they are allowed to treat you like complete shit. Yes, that makes a lot of sense also. After all, they have had a hard life. They have come from a broken home. So the SM can just suck it. They have suffered and so apparently it is now OUR turn to suffer.

I'm all kinds of in a bad mood over stephell today. But still, I don't think I'm wrong.

Comments

Learning to Stepparent's picture

Submitted by Learning to Ste... on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 7:20pm

I'm new here but can I just say sing it sister!!!!

I'm not sure what your situation is but in mine DF has primary physical custody of SD which means she lives with us full time. With the hours he works (minimum 60 a week) it means I am her primary caregiver. I am the one who gets her up in the morning and gets her ready for preschool. I'm the one that takes her to preschool and picks her up in the afternoon. I'm the one who does her laundry, fixes her meals, doles out the medicine when she needs it, kisses the boo boos, hell I'm the one who potty trained her and taught her how to dress herself and I'll be damned if someone tries to tell me I'm not her parent.

Learning to Stepparent's picture

Submitted by Learning to Ste... on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 8:05pm

He seems too. He tells me quite frequently he doesn't know where he would be with SD without me. Every now and then he gets caught up with work or starts relying on me a little too much or I start resenting it and magically he is in the kitchen doing the dishes or saying hey, let's see if grandma can watch the kids and go out tonight. I usually don't have to say anything to him at all.

Justme54's picture

Submitted by Justme54 on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 7:27pm

You forgot the money issues. Even at the age of 35, some will have balls to ask for money for stupid shit. And...the money they promised to pay back...forget that. I told someone the other...TO NEVER MARRY A MAN WITH KIDS. I do not care, if the kids are 60 years old...Do Not Go There. LOL

dood's picture

Submitted by dood on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 7:30pm

FUCKEN A holly. After the crap that I JUST went through with my SO AND after a weekend with skidly I couldn't log in fast enough to give you a huge AMEN sista.

Just finished a similar rant wherein I told him it's just a lose lose where the kid is concerned. Fucking. Lose. Lose.

Just holy crap already.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 7:36pm

Yeah, they can suck it. I never wanted kids of my own, so.... Blum 3

I don't even refer to her as my step daughter, except here. DH's daughter is just that, DH's daughter. And BM's.

If I was not willing to have my own kids, thus sacrificing my life for them, I don't know why people think I should do it for my SD. Not.my.job.

Good Lord, if the actual parents' love and parenting is not enough, I don't know what to tell them.

dood's picture

Submitted by dood on Tue, 04/14/2015 - 8:02am

No, no, Ladyface... my tone problem is with SO! Not with skidly, I barely speak to skidly... No, my SO has issues with the Tone I have when I speak to SO!

hollyissad's picture

Submitted by hollyissad on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 7:54pm

Love that we all have a place to go at least to share our real feelings. Non-SMs like to look at you like you shot Santa and kicked a puppy when you say anything less than that your skids exhale sunshine and shit rainbows.

JustAgirl42's picture

Submitted by JustAgirl42 on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 8:02pm

Uh oh, I saw the word puppy and thought, "BUT HE'S ONLY 5!!", so guess I'll have to go get myself a drink...oh, that's just too bad, how horrible for me. Sad Blum 3

WTF...REALLY's picture

Submitted by WTF...REALLY on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 8:08pm

"And in the next breath "don't try to be their mother!" Well now, you should LOVE them like they are your own, while not daring to try and think they are your own. I see, makes total sense."

This. ^^^^This makes me nuts!!!! It is so true. BM was famous for this!

dood's picture

Submitted by dood on Tue, 04/14/2015 - 6:46am

Love them? My SO screamed at me yesterday saying 'You hate my son'!... I said I do not hate him, but I'm seriously NOT a fan. Who would be??? If he did that shit to Any Normal Human that human would not be enamored by this kid! If anyone else on the planet had done what HE just did, YOU'D have their throat. But now? I guess in THIS situation I lose all credibility. Well, isn't that nice.

Toxic Situation's picture

Submitted by Toxic Situation on Tue, 04/14/2015 - 7:38am

"I don't hate him, but I'm seriously not a fan." That's a good one. I think I will add this to my list of comments that I pull out once in a while. Now, this is true, if my SS pulled his crap on anyone else, anywhere else (well, he gets away with it with the grandparents too), he'd be expelled from school, tasered, or beaten up. But guess what? He knows his boundaries! He is a model student at school. Has convinced the psychologist we're seeing that he's a good kid (he got there first and got to tell her everything about how badly he's treated and how mean I am - and the psychologist told me, in my first session with her that "he's not a tyrant child.")

Learning to Stepparent's picture

Submitted by Learning to Ste... on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 8:17pm

Hell even my own mother tells me it's not my place to discipline SD. Umm...excuse me, but she is under my car for far FAR more waking hours than DF is here. What should we do? Let her run wild simply because I didn't give birth to her?

peacemaker's picture

Submitted by peacemaker on Mon, 04/13/2015 - 8:44pm

The problem is that no one knows what should and shouldn't be done in the name of step parenting..)especially those that give you un-asked for advice)...When they tell you you should love them like they were your own..."Who told you that"?...When they tell you not to parent them in your own home..."Who told you that"?...last time I looked...My home is my jurisdiction..I don't care if they are neighbor kids, or step kids, or any type of kids...If they are in my home they need to be respectful...

Welcome to the land of the uneducated...these people are simply "Parroting" something else they have heard...They are ignorant...they do not get a voice at the table of what happens in my home...that is between dh and I....these people are not the author of my power...I do not get it from them and they cannot make me do anything (fill in the blank)...They are powerless people groping after YOUr power to make themselves feel empowered...

I get the whole "throat punch" thing...quite frankly some days I would like to rip out their adams apple and eat it for lunch...but then where would we be?...Just don't give the ignorant your power...They do not deserve it..peace.

We are the Champions....."Queen"...

Toxic Situation's picture

Submitted by Toxic Situation on Tue, 04/14/2015 - 7:43am

Yes, "Who told you that" and your home is your jurisdiction. But, what if the enemy is within? If you spouse will not stand firm with you against the stepkid's wrong behavior? For me, this is worse than the ignorant people out there.

peacemaker's picture

Submitted by peacemaker on Tue, 04/14/2015 - 5:02pm

..sometimes you have to stand alone...until he gets it...If he expects you to love children that you did not give birth to as if they were your own...that is not a realistic expectation because they are not your own, and the bond between a mother and a child she gave birth to is unlike any other bond on the planet...He needs to be educated along with the rest of them...They have all drank the same koolaide...That is where you stand up and respect yourself..

If you don't...no one else will...peace.

Toxic Situation's picture

Submitted by Toxic Situation on Tue, 04/14/2015 - 7:30am

Holly
I sounds like the classic double bind:
1. Love them like your own.
2. Don't try to be their mother.

Double binds are standard operating practice in dysfuctional and abusive relationships. (Applying this to my own experience and current family relatonships - not yours, unless the shoe fits.) I don't know much about your circumstances - only what you wrote here and it sounds oh so familiar.

dood's picture

Submitted by dood on Tue, 04/14/2015 - 7:50am

In the insane argument/fight that SO and I had yesterday, I make SO think about it... Think about how my relationship with skidly began, remember when I did this and that? Remember when I took him here or there? Remember when I bought him this? Gave him that? Remember??? "Yes". Well, do you think I just woke up one day and decided to be queen bitch and stop all that for no reason?? Do you??? "No". Well, dear SO what do you think happened?? "I don't know". Well I Know! The Bowel Movement got into his head, and HIS attitude changed.. HIS! How? Well, I've been trying to tell you how. I have been telling you this shit every single time he's here and does something fucked up. Each time he's here, it gets worse. I tell you that, too. Now we're fighting about the way I tell you? Well, fuck you all. This isn't my doing, this is my reaction to what is being done.

It's just insanity.

He said, so he's sneaking stuff out of the fridge. Who Cares?

Well first of all, sneaking anything is just bad behavior. Today its something "insignificant" but tomorrow maybe its worse, maybe its money, or alcohol, or whatever. Will it be okay then? Sneaky behavior is a Bad Thing. Period. Dot. In addition, he does it LITERALLY behind my back, while I'm standing 4 feet away from him. Is that innocent? Is that respectful?

Holy crap. It's like talking to a complete stranger, and it's really freaking me out.

fedupstep's picture

Submitted by fedupstep on Tue, 04/14/2015 - 9:31am

I love the 'you need to try harder, you're the adult' speach.

Makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a pencil.

Teas83's picture

Submitted by Teas83 on Tue, 04/14/2015 - 11:09am

Thanks for this, Holly. It's so true and I also get frustrated by it.

BM in particular has these expectations of me. She sent a bunch of crap to her lawyer last year about how mean I am because I don't bathe SD6 anymore and I ignore SD6 all the time since having my DD, etc, etc. But then she went on to say that I pretended to be SD's mom on Mother's Day and I shouldn't have done that.

It makes me so mad when I think about it again....