Update to It Never Ends
I suggested to DH that he block BM. I said if getting bombarded from texts from BM were going to affect his mood, and therefore affect me and our children, then it really would be in all our best interest to block BM. DH said he has no problems with BM texting him since it's about their (soon-to-be 24 year old) daughter together. He said he doesn't respond. He said he waited for all texts to end and simply sent back "She's an adult" in response.
When I brought up that SD told me about the texts, DH started getting worked up and then started discussing what was in the texts, but I stopped him. I said I didn't bring it up to know details, but I would want to have some sort of warning about him being in a mood around me and our children. If he wants to share, he's more than welcome, but I don't intend to pry.
This is my first marriage, so I don't know how people interact after divorce for the most part. These two people do not get along. He is the first to say that he hates BM. He said the marriage was a mistake from the beginning, and he never loved her. He has said multiple times that he would love to see BM bleed from her eyeballs. (Odd expression to me, but he said it.) And yet...after SD is emancipated and there's no obligation to remain in contact at all, he refuses to block BM. And BM's gut reaction seems to be to text DH any issues regarding SD. Seriously? They've been divorced over 10 years, and their child is an adult. DH was married to BM when he was 24 (age of SD), which I reminded him to put things in perspective. I can't help but think if I were to divorce DH, I would look elsewhere to discuss issues I have with my children. I would want as little contact with DH so as to move on, and either my therapist, best friend, etc would be the better person to discuss issues with the children. I'm sure there are exceptions, but still. Am I wrong?
I don't like the thought of trying to control DH in any way, but his poor communication skills and bad moods make this a pain.
- z3girl's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Heroine. That's funny.
Heroine. That's funny.
I guess the best move for me
I guess the best move for me would be to pay attention to the number and frequency of texts he's getting. If it's a lot, and his mood is bad, then maybe ask him if there's drama, and if so, do what you say. He's so poor at communicating why he's in a bad mood that I automatically assume he's annoyed with me or irrational about the little ones.
I was diplomatic how I approached him with this conversation. I reminded him in the past that this has happened and that I only wanted to know when they had contact so I can not assume it's my fault, and he seemed to immediately soften towards the conversation and was open about it. I guess I know him well enough by now lol.
I have to wonder that myself.
I have to wonder that myself. Maybe he enjoys witnessing BM and SD23 fight? Maybe it makes him feel superior?
In my opinion the only reason
In my opinion the only reason to contact an ex regarding an adult child would be if that child was not mentally (diagnosed) an adult or something bad has happened tot he adult child that the other parent must be informed about.
I have no contact with ExH but if something were to happen with DD and she could not contact him herself I would. I only spoke to ExH maybe 2 times a year regarding DD's vacation with him and Christmas presents so we would not duplicate.
H has no contact with BM even though she has tried over and over (not lately though). He was CP of all 3 skids. BM did nothing but eff with their heads. They were all old enough to contact their mother and tell her anything they felt she needed to know.
Your DH needs to tell BM if it is not life or death then SD can contact him directly.
DH hates both BMs... was
DH hates both BMs... was never married to either and has said much worse things about them than bleeding eyeballs. He swears that the millisecond the skids turn 18, he is done with the bitches, he is blocking them and never speaking to them again. I really and truly hope that he is not blowing smoke up my ass because if I have to put up with a crabby DH, drama and bull crap from BMs past skids turning 18 it's not going to be pretty! BM1 has not really ever been much of an issue, it's GBM1 who won't freaking leave DH alone! I know right??? BM2 has been fairly quiet since she married her teenage boy toy, but I know that is not going to last and when boy toy dumps her bitchy, wrinkly ass, she's going to try and cram herself right back up DH's rear end, and that will be a NO GO.
I'm with you.. if DH and I ever divorced, I would want the LEAST amount of contact possible with him and I would not consider him to be my buddy/confidant... I just don't get that... kid or not?
DH used to say he was going
DH used to say he was going to block BM once SD aged out, but now... I'm wondering if he secretly does want to witness the crazy. It's so strange!
YES!^^^^ My mom and dad
YES!^^^^ My mom and dad divorced when I was 3. I can promise you that after I graduated from high school, my mother and father have spoken not ONE word...my mother wasn't calling him asking of his plans to attend my wedding, my mother wasn't calling him when I had to have emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy, my mother wasn't calling him when I was having a C-section to have BS5, and probably 10000 other lames ass excuses she could have used if she was a psycho bitch.
Nope, I am a grown ass adult, who is perfectly capable of letting my father know what's up.
This sounds normal to me!
This sounds normal to me! Well, what would be normal between divorced parents. How can you move on if you don't cut the contact?
Not trying to disprove what
Not trying to disprove what you're saying Ladyface, just that anything can still happen when it comes to how people get along, or rather not get along.
In theory having emergency contacts listed is important. But where do young adults keep this information? Most will be in their phone or wallet.
Three years ago when my youngest son was in a car accident, he didn't have his wallet with him and even though my son had both myself and his dad listed in his phone as "Mom" and "Dad", neither of us were contacted that way.
Instead, the police looked up my ex's address (both had the same first & last name) to notify him...even though once they discovered the identity of my son through his fingerprints, which are on record with the DMV...as well as my son's address as listed on his driver's license being my address since he had been living there up until a few weeks before the accident, the police went to my non-law-abiding ex's home, knocked on his door, heard noise inside like someone was home (of course my paranoid ex wasn't going to answer the door to cops) and left after several minutes of no answer and left their contact information an a card.
In the meantime, I was at work the entire day and I get these news alerts from one of our local news stations and I remember seeing "the one" where there was a single car accident involving three young adults, possible teenagers (in actuality they were 19, 21 & 23) where the news report said one was deceased and 2 were taken to local hospitals.
As I do anytime I read an article like this, my first thoughts were for the family of the young person that died and my heart went out for them. It was only after reading further that part of me was questioning if this accident involved my son or any of his coworkers because of the location of the accident and the time. The accident was at 12:45 am and I knew my son worked late sometimes on the weekend but this was a Sunday going into Monday and I knew my son had classes the next day.
I left a few text messages for my son to call me but also knowing that he usually slept late on Mondays because his first class didn't start until 1:00.
Also for the last couple of years prior to this I had been activly trying to not worry so much everytime I read about something in the news and to not jump to conclusion that my child/children were involved because this was something I had noticed I had been doing to an excessive amount.
So here I am still "training" myself not jump to a conclusion and tried to go about my day. It wasn't until I got home from work and I still hadn't heard back from my son that I was on my phone non-stop calling my son's friends and girlfriends, the hospitals and then finally the coroner's office.
Days later when I asked why I hadn't been notified about my and if not for my actions, who knows how long it would have been? I was told about my ex getting the information but he never called anyone.
Now you want to hear the strangest part of all of this? And I know many here would find this outragous but my ex is also the person who is the only person in this world who is going through the same loss that I am and that in itself has opened up some communication which I know many here wouldn't understand or approve of.
DH's phone is locked down.
DH's phone is locked down. It used to bother me that he did that, so I then locked mine, and honestly, it's nice not being able to snoop.
DH said he has no problems
DH said he has no problems with BM texting him since it's about their (soon-to-be 24 year old) daughter together. He said he doesn't respond. He said he waited for all texts to end and simply sent back "She's an adult" in response.
^^This doesn't really make sense.
If he has no problems with BM texting him, why does it put him in such a bad mood? If he hates her so much, why does he have no problems with BM texting him so much?
If he doesn't respond, what is the point?
If his final response is, "She's an adult," again, what is the point? They are not discussing anything, he is not giving her any feedback, suggestions, or answers. He's telling her that SD is an adult, which is basically saying it's none of their business.
I don't get it.
You seem to understand
You seem to understand exactly what I was trying to say and feel. Thank you.
I think the reason I don't care about the texts so much is that I know there is nothing to worry about. They will never get back together, so there are no games that way. I'm not really sure why he gets in the moods since he feels the need to keep communication open. He claims he doesn't get upset, but he clearly does. Maybe I can read him better than he can himself.
Plus he said he doesn't
Plus he said he doesn't respond but he waited and then responded with "She's an adult." THAT is actually a RESPONSE!
If you read up on conditioned reinforcements, the strongest one is actually the intermittent reinforcement. Even stronger than the every time reinforcement. Meaning that responding AT ALL, even only once is more of a fix for her than if he responded every single time.
He needs to block or go NO response whatsoever.
Very interesting. I will
Very interesting. I will definitely bring that up the next time this happens.
I am 24. I have my own home,
I am 24.
I have my own home, a child & stepchild, a husband, a career.
My parents are still married & they don't even talk about me. Hell my sister is 22 & they don't talk about her. They are off living their lives together, enjoying what they couldn't when we were living at home. We call them if there's an issue. They don't have to discuss us like that.
You were far more tactful
You were far more tactful than I would have been. I can't imagine this. DH and BM communicate only through email only when necessary ( did you send the CS- yes, as always) and that will end when SD graduates.
If my DH was texting BM, I'd either take his phone and run over it or tell him to go move back in and f*ck her because it's obvious he is not done with that relationship.
I am not a jealous person. I simply refuse to share my man with another woman. If DH can't give you 100%, there are men that can.
I honestly don't know. The
I honestly don't know. The last super crazy time was 6 months ago, but that was so insane that DH actually did read the texts to me and we laughed about it. BM really is out there. Her craziness is centered entirely on SD23, so we feel bad for her, but SD23 is rather immature for her age as well. She's intelligent, but very immature and naive. With a crazy mother. Yikes.
My DH is naturally a moody
My DH is naturally a moody person, so anything I can do to help certain moods is good.
Funny anecdote: We had a destination wedding. Our minister/marriage official had an accent, and we didn't get to rehearse the lines ahead of time. When we had to repeat "forsaking all others", it's on video my DH said something like "For sick and..." I went second and remember feeling victorious when I got the lines right lol.
Hahaha, our minister did NOT
Hahaha, our minister did NOT have an accent and DH vowed to be my "awfully" wedded husband. Every now and then, he asks me if he's living up to his vows. I always say, "Yes."
How cute! I never pointed
How cute! I never pointed out to DH that he said it wrong. I also had the giggles pretty badly during the ceremony, so I figured we would let it all go unless I'm ready for him to laugh at me. (I planned on tears, but was completely surprised by giggles!)