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Another story that makes SMs look bad

z3girl's picture

I blogged recently about ex’s and funerals. Well, I just saw my friend and heard a story that makes me rethink my future actions when either BM or DH should pass (hopefully not for a very, very long time!)

My friend (BM in this case) was married to XH for 35 years. They have 2 adult children, SD and SS, and a few grandchildren. XH cheated on BM numerous times, and one of the affairs resulted in a child, although BM did not find out for many years. It may have been the catalyst to their divorce, but I’m sure it was only one of many reasons.

XH dated SM briefly while in college, and met again and married her after the demise of his marriage to BM. SM was also previously married with an adult child, but she makes it appear XH was the only love of her life and coached XH through the divorce proceedings, ruining many of the agreements BM and XH had come up with ahead of time. BM was not upset about XH dating and remarrying. Early on, she invited SM and XH over to her house for dinner, as a way to show good faith, in hopes they can all get along since they share children and grandchildren. Instead of just stating that it was too awkward, SM acted outraged and refused. SM was also outraged that BM kept XH’s last name after the divorce. All of these people are highly educated with PhD’s, and two worked in religious fields. They have many acquaintances in common, and BM has heard (and read proof) of SM spreading nasty rumors and hateful thoughts around about BM, for no discernible reason except jealousy that she had a long life with XH. BM has kept her distance and enjoys her own full life. SM and XH did not enjoy a close relationship with the children and grandchildren, although I’m sure it’s both of their faults. SS did have a relationship with his father, but he was closer to BM.

To the “fun” part. XH and SM were living in a hotel while their house was being worked on. SM was at a church meeting while XH was enjoying a drink in the lobby with a friend/colleague. XH complained of not feeling well and went into the lobby bathroom. He apparently suffered a stroke while in there, and a stranger walked in and found him barely alive lying on the floor in his own vomit. XH was taken to the hospital, but nobody knew his name, so he was admitted as a John Doe. Oddly, the “friend” sat in the lobby the whole time not saying a word, and when SM returned, he told her what happened. SM had a difficult time finding XH because nobody realized he was admitted as John Doe. It was clear upon admission that he was not going to make it. SM waited until SS arrived, but left for the night. The next day SS was there when SM showed up close to noon. She told the doctor to pull the plug on life support immediately. SS insisted on waiting 48 hours so family can come and say good-bye. SD lives out of state and was flying in the next day. SS had to fight to get this, and SM only relented after a friend convinced her to allow the kids to say goodbye. BM did go to the hospital with SS earlier to say her own goodbyes, and SM heard about it, and subsequently blocked all family from seeing XH. SS was freaking out and someone referred to SM as his “stepmother” and SS snarled “She’s not my stepmother, and has never been any sort of mother figure to me or anyone in the family. She is just my father’s wife.” SM again did not stay long while XH was on life-support, and once they turned it off, he did not pass immediately, so she left, and was not there when the one love of her life passed a few hours later. SS called her when his father passed, but she never answered her phone.

SD found something “interesting” and will make the estate battle ugly, if they decide to do anything with the information. It turns out SM and XH were not legally married. The seal on the divorce from the final decree is dated 7 months after their marriage. They should not have been allowed to be married, and this may make the kids next of kin and not SM. BM has the last laugh because SM went up to her at one time and said "I'm the one and only true Mrs XH". Apparently not!

It’s hard to remember all the stories of how horrible SM was, but wow, I feel like such a nice SM, and don’t understand how this woman could be so hateful. I wasn’t thrilled that our BM kept DH’s last name after the divorce, but that’s something I’ve never even told DH. I wrote here, but I would never say it out loud. As a BM now myself, I know that the name doesn’t change your relationship to your children. I don’t share the same last name as my children. If I had a profession like my friend where all my degrees were issued in my married name, and I’m supporting myself, I can see why it’s worth keeping the married name. Like others on here have indicated, the name is given and the BM’s to keep if they want. I’m glad I stopped caring what BM’s name is (although I would drop DH’s part to my name the second I could…). I can't imagine going out of my way to be nasty to BM. Out of sight, out of mind, right?? I also can't erase my husband's past, and don't care to! SD24 is part of our lives, and I knew that before marrying DH. Yes, I may have wished he could have experienced children for the first time with me, but that's the price I paid. In the end, it doesn't matter.

Wow. Moral of the story is that there are all kinds of crazy people.

Comments

z3girl's picture

Thanks for the warning. That very well could be why it went through. BM doesn't care (no intentions of acting on it) but it may affect SD as she is the one who seems the most angry with SM. SD did speak to BM's original divorce attorney about it, but that doesn't mean he's right. Who knows if there's anything worth fighting for anyway if his car is any indication of his overall financial status.

hereiam's picture

I have found out that attorneys don't always know the state law on the date that a marriage is considered terminated.

She (SD) should be able to find out through the county where the divorce took place.

BM once tried to tell DH that they were not divorced (his decree has NO seal). He went to the county courthouse and checked.

Pretty sure they are divorced since she's been married 3 more times!

z3girl's picture

That's shocking! DH and I married in another country, and they even required his divorce documents have a raised seal.

It will be very interesting to see how it plays out if SD decides to fight SM. It might be a very short battle if the marriage was valid, or an ugly one if not!

Glassslipper's picture

DH and I married in the same state and county as both of our previous marriages and divorces.
We BOTH had to present our divorce papers when we applied for our marriage license.

notsobad's picture

It's been said that if you and all the people you know put your problems on a table, you would always take your own problems back!

That's one of the things I like about this forum. Things in my life are Notsobad bad when compared with what some other SMs are dealing with.

BM has said more than once that I'm not a Stepmom, the skids were grown and I didn't raise them. I don't care, it's just a label that makes it easy for people to understand who I am when being introduced. In fact I think I use it more in social media just because I know it pisses BM off.

z3girl's picture

Yeah, I don't normally refer to SD as my stepdaughter, and she introduces me by name, so I guess it's assumed I'm just her dad's wife. I only refer to her rarely as my stepdaughter for ease in certain situations instead of "my husband's daughter".

I find it sad that even when the kids are adults, exes and new spouses and insecurity can cause so many unnecessary problems. I have to assume SM in my friend's case is just a miserable, insecure woman. It's a shame.

notasm3's picture

None of them sound like prizes to me. BM the ex or the SM.

"Early on, she invited SM and XH over to her house for dinner, as a way to show good faith, in hopes they can all get along since they share children and grandchildren."

Exes with children old enough to have produced grandchildren have NO reason to get together for dinner and socializing. BM was just trying to insert herself into their marriage and assert that she was still relevant and part of her ex's life. That was a total bullshit move.

z3girl's picture

It didn't work, so it doesn't matter.

Maybe the son suggested it; he was the one trying to maintain a relationship with both of his parents, and the father wasn't responding well.

Compared to what happens on here, and what drama my own SD created early in my marriage, this family/former family had a more peaceful time of it, but it still wasn't perfect.

I was mostly just shocked that someone would block their spouses children from visiting at the end of his life. I would never keep SD from her father. The SS here is usually the voice of calm and reason, so the fact he became so emotional said a lot to me. As for the SD, she would be the only one to continue to make waves after the funeral...those pesky SD's lol.

notsobad's picture

That's not fair. My exH and his new GF invited my Mom, stepdad, DH and I over for dinner.

It was a very nice gesture. We got to know each other better and had a wonderful dinner. No one was trying to insert anyone anywhere. ExH and I have children together and someday, hopefully we'll have grandchildren together.
There will be times we'll have to be at the same functions. It's nice to know that it won't be awkward.

z3girl's picture

I agree. Any antics between BM and SM in this case is just the same old drama, but will hopefully end now that XH is gone.

Some days I like to think that there might have been a time when I could have been friends with our BM and we could all have lived a happy little blended existence. Then reality hits and I am just thankful to have less drama now that SD24 is emancipated.

I really wonder what SM was thinking when she blocked those "children"?? In her case, the children were adults and on their own before she even married XH, so she really has very little (that I know of) to use against the kids.

This story makes me realize that whether or not an ex attends a funeral or is involved or not is really unimportant. I guess it only matters if they are psycho and cause stunts, but if an ex isn't bringing deliberate attention, who cares? I hope I can think that way if either BM or DH passes. BM is older than DH and not in very good health, and he has already said he'd go to support SD24, which is what I blogged about before. I was upset that he'd want to go to support an adult who has a large extended family on BM's side. Now, I'm thinking it all doesn't matter. He certainly won't try to be front and center, but in the scheme of things, it just doesn't matter.

Yeah, I also wish for world peace, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. Blum 3

notsobad's picture

If my exH, his GF or BM died. I would go to their funerals. Not to create drama or be involved or anything like that.
I'd go to show my respect for the family.

It's easy to stand in the back, be respectful and not create a scene.

z3girl's picture

In this story, BM and XH were married 35 years. She says she grieved their marriage years ago, but there were happy times, so I'm sure she's remembering some of them now. I would think the finality of his death has to make her feel something, if not the poignant grief of the current spouse. She is going to the memorial service that will be held in January. It is expected to be very large, and she said she will stay in the back with a couple of close friends. I hope SM either doesn't notice or chooses to let it go. She does put on a good show in public, so it's possible.

DH and BM were married for 15 years, together for 20 by the time they divorced. Even if my DH dislikes her as much as he claims to, he liked her enough to knowingly have a child with her. There had to be some good things that he might reflect on if anything happened. She was a part of his life, and I don't need to try to take that away. She's not with him now, he chooses to be with me, and that's all I need to concern myself with.

I hope I can be calm and objective if the need arises...

notsobad's picture

Well that it isn't it?
A large portion of our lives were spent with other people. It doesn't and shouldn't diminish the time thats been spent with new the partners.

I went to the funeral of my HS best friends husband, when he died in a tragic accident years ago. I hadn't seen either of them in years but I went to show my respect. To let her know that she was loved and he would be missed.
I think it would be horrible if no one came to a funeral.

notasm3's picture

"I can't imagine not being sad at the death of someone that you spent so much of your life with."

I guess that's where we differ. When I am done I am DONE. The other person is just dismissed from my life no matter what good memories might have existed years earlier. And even when it encompassed almost 20 years.

I realize that being an math, scientist, IT type person I do see the world more in binary - yes/no, on/off. But it does enable me to move on without looking back.

As I am now quickly approaching 70 there are so many men from my past life that are now dead. I don't wish death on anyone, but I don't really care either once the relationship is over. That doesn't mean that I gloat, but I don't feel the least bit sad either.

Two of the guys that I dated just before DH are now dead. One 2-3 years ago and the other this month(younger than me) - sorry for them and their family but not really sad at all. And I had no hard feelings for either of them.

kathc's picture

Wow. I hope your friend's daughter DOES make a stink with the information she found. That woman sounds like exactly the kind of SM that makes us all look bad.

z3girl's picture

That's how I felt when my friend told me the story. It made me want to defend any feelings I had being a SM so I wouldn't appear to be anything similar to this awful woman. When my friend first started telling me the story, I jokingly asked if she tried to pull the plug herself. She darn near did!

zerostepdrama's picture

The SM sounds like a nasty woman. Whether as a BM or a SM or just as a female.

I hope she gets her karma.

As much as I don't like the skids I would never deny them the right to see their father before he passed away.

As for the last name...BM kept DH's last name after they divorced. They were legally married 16 years so I could understand that. Pain in the butt to change back to her maiden name when she used DH's name her whole adult life.

Well she got married in November 2014. So I was thinking... SWEET! now she doesn't DH's last name.

Well I saw on line OSD's bail papers and BM bailed her out of jail and she still had DH's name. So she never legally got it changed. So annoying. Like HELLO woman- you are married to another man- take his name now!

z3girl's picture

For us, BM is now a lesbian. I guess I should say bi since she was married to DH for 15 years, but now she is only interested in women. She has had a couple of girlfriends, and they were reasonably serious. Now that gay marriage is legal, I wonder if she would change her name at all. The funniest scenario would be if her wife were to take her (DH's) last name. I'm finally at a point where I would find that absolutely hysterical. haha!

I asked my friend if SM in her case had ever been married before because her insecurity over the last name sounded like a newly-wed, first marriage type thing. It reminded of me of how I felt early on...a little miffed that BM kept her name, although I didn't say it out loud because I knew that DH felt strongly about the mother having the same name as the kids. (He was not pleased after we had our first that I refused change my hyphenated name to his alone. Sorry, it's a pita!) To think this woman has already been married before makes her seem just a little bit worse. My friend initiated the divorce and had no desire to have anything to do with her ex; her name was simply to match her degrees and professional life.

notasm3's picture

DH and I met when SS30 was in his 20s - and SS was extremely troubled.

I still found no reason at all to have BM in my life. BM wanted to be my friend on FB. I just declined.

If she'd invited me to dinner to meet her and her DH I would have politely declined. There is NO reason in my life for me to deal with the other parent of a grown skid.

z3girl's picture

Being polite about it makes all the difference. I'm not even FB friends with my own friend (and many others) so not all of us feel the necessity to connect via FB. That would actually be a nice indication of whether or not it's worth accepting a dinner meeting lol.

This SM spread nasty rumors about BM all over the place, and completely unnecessarily. She appeared extremely insecure, and the only way she felt better about herself was proclaiming XH to be the true love of her life and trying to wipe out his entire past. Mind you, XH and SM had a very rocky relationship according to the late XH, so she was very much trying to project. Doesn't matter. BM here only ever mentioned SM to me once in the last 10 years that I can remember, and it wasn't specifically about her, just that she was in court with XH about some things in the divorce.

If my DH and BM were on good terms, I wouldn't be against being "friendly" with our BM. It would make life a little easier, since SD is kind of stuck in theThey are still very nasty to each other 15 years after their split, so I can only imagine how awful their marriage had to be, at least at the end. Yikes.