Spending time with grandparents...how much is too much?
Sorry to be a blog hog today, but I am wondering how much is too much when it comes to spending time with grandparents.
I don't think that I have any say in this, as she is not my child, so it is just a matter of opinion. We have SD6 full time, but she spends a lot of time with grandma. I find SOs mother to be overbearing and she constantly wants SD6. Always. She lived with SO and SD6 for about a year after his late wife died, so I guess she feels kind of parental towards her. Right now she has SD6 whenever school is cancelled and SO is working, plus Wednesday nights, plus she gets her from around 6pm on Saturday until sometime Sunday. It used to be like noon on Sunday but now it is more like 4 or 5. Again, I know it is not my decision, but does that seem like a lot?
I also fear that someday when SO and I have a baby she is in for a rude awakening. I do not want her to play a parental role in my child's life or think she has say in the decision making process.
I guess I don't know how to handle her. Friday, SD6 had a carnival that I took her to and not only did his mom ask me to take and send her pictures, but she designated what pictures/poses she wanted! SO said I shouldn't take any specific pictures on her account because she will only get worse. Agggghhhh!
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Right! I have asked him about
Right! I have asked him about the amount of time spent with grandma and he thinks it is fine. Says she gets lots of attention there. I guess it shouldn't annoy me, but it does. I'm of the mindset that she is too controlling to give so much time and power too. Sigh.
The sad part is he know
The sad part is he know exactly what his mother is like. He even warned me about her when we started dating. He lets her take SD6 because HE doesn't want to spend time with her! Of course she showers SD with attention and gifts so she enjoys being there.
"MIL" is super duper nice to me...in sort of a superficial way. But she is overbearing, intrusive, and manipulative. She even once (when my SO was not around) said to me "if you ever need me to take SD6 so you can have alone time, just let me know. Alone time, you know what I mean right?" I was like what in the hell woman? On more than one occasion she has hinted that she wants me to confide in her about my personal business with my SO and I cannot believe it. I have always played dumb but it's like seriously? One of these days I am going to lose it on her.
She has three children, and one has minimal contact with her and the other has refused to speak with her for years. She is just so much to deal with. I need to start putting up barriers now, because it will not be like it is with SD when I have a child of my own. I fear my life will be akin to everybody loves Raymond if i don't stop the madness now.
And I think if she was
And I think if she was responding to happy birthdays on my wall I might be tempted to comment with "and a big thanks goes out to my personal assistant for getting to this. I knew I hired you for a reason!"
Dtzy, I remember you posting
Dtzy, I remember you posting asking for help sorta on behalf of your sister who was having to deal with Mommy Succubus...
Your sister deserves a medal for Mommy Succubus, pregnancy, mommy-boy fiance AND MIL from hell this past year!
And she doesn't need a lick of help - look at her telling MBF how it is!!
Christ, she acts like she has
Christ, she acts like she has visitation!!!!! Your DH seems to understand how his Mom works, so why hasn't he nipped this in the bud?
We see this scenario on this
We see this scenario on this site a lot.
Overwhelmed/selfish/newly single/drugged out parents hand over their kids to their parents to raise. Then they have a change in circumstance and want to change things around, and it cause friction. And how about when the kids are older, and bounce between the GPs and parents? Look at DaizyDuke's SD, or justthemaid's. Spoiled rotten, and playing and manipulating all the adults.
It's great to have the oldsters involved with the kiddies, BUT, GPs should be support ONLY. They are not free daycare or a place for divorced dads to dump their kids, and cannot and should not try to be a replacement parent. We GPs are for luvin' and spoilin'-the fun stuff. We are the "dessert" in a gkid's life, not the "meat". At six, a kid needs routine, structure, and consistent expectations. That's parent stuff.
Your MIL is confused about what her role should be. In a perfect world, she would be wise enough to back off and allow her son's new family unit time to gel, and your DH would (with love) be able to draw boundaries with her. But men are clueless, and most only care about their own comfort in the now. Maybe you could open a dialogue with him and explain that you want to be involved with his daughter, but the current dynamic is hindering that? The paradigm changed when he married you; it's up to him to handle his mother and curb her overbearing ways.
It's really not that I don't
It's really not that I don't like having alone time with my SO...I do. I just think it feels like a joint custody agreement, which I don't feel is necessarily healthy. I would be totally okay with it if she was taking SD6 for a few hours on Saturday, but it's earlier and earlier on Saturday and later and later on Sunday. That's most of the weekend, and between work and school there isn't a lot of time during the week. Plus she keeps pushing for additional time. It's just a bit over the top to me I guess.
You just described my mom and
You just described my mom and stepdad. My son (23), nieces (16 and9) and nephews (17 and
think their grandma and granddaddy hung the moon. My parents have been a huge support system for my sister, BIL and I.
"She has three children, and
"She has three children, and one has minimal contact with her and the other has refused to speak with her for years"
"The sad part is he knows exactly what his mother is like"
"He lets her take SD6 because HE doesn't want to spend time with her"
Wow. Serious red flags here. This is a hill to die on, because the little dysfunctional triangle your DH has going on is going to bite him and you in the butt big time. That six y.o. will be an entitled brat in no time, with MIL egging it on. You are right, 10,000 times over.
Unless the Gma is being a
Unless the Gma is being a poor influence on the child, one overnight a week isn't 'too much'. It gives you a date night and a chance to have 'me' time an plain just relax in your home.
The 'when school is cancelled an SO is working', is her babysitting rather than paying a sitter. It's to SO's advantage. If SO would rather he could look into alternative caretaking on the cancelled school days. That part is kind of a double edged sword. One doesn't get to 'use' grandma when it's convenient but insist she's intruding on the times it doesn't suit you.
I don't know why your SO is doing the every weekend overnight or the additional Wednesday evenings. I'm going to assume it started because after the death of BM and SD lived at Gma's house, SO thought it was a good idea to not take too much of familiar and consistent away from the young child too quickly. If it's now becoming a problem, SO needs to sit down and talk to his mother. Is there a Gpa? Is Gma wanting the child for company perhaps due to just being lonely?
If your DH feels what has now become the routine schedule is 'too much' or needs to be adjusted, all he needs to do is tell his mother. Perhaps you/SO and SD need a Saturday family outing and you'd like SD home a couple 'weekends a month. Maybe Gma might instead of the overnight do Sunday morning pick-ups for Gma/SD breakfast and have SD back for afternoon at agreed to time. Perhaps Wednesdays could become just a couple hours afterschool or only a set Wednesday evening a month.
If Gma is buying too many presents for SD, Dad needs to nip that. Kids only need x amount of toys/clothes. SO can suggest Gma save some of this cash for SD's future higher education instead (a gift that would last SD's lifetime). This woman only has the control and power that SO has given her. If Gma is being too involved in the how's and if's SO needs to retake his parenting role and merely thank Gma for her personal input but make his own decisions. In other words, thanks Mom, but butt out, I'll take your opinion into consideration while I make the decisions for my daughter.
SO really needs to work out what you see as a problem now before you decide to have children.
KTQ, I could have written
KTQ, I could have written this.
My sister's husband is the only boy in his family. I think he has 6 or seven sisters. All of their kids are extremely close to his mother. However, my sister's kids are closer to my mom and me than they are to them.
It's the same with my mom's six sisters. They are closer to their daughters' children than they are to their sons'.
I know I'm late to this party
I know I'm late to this party but...seriously couldn't stop smiling the entire time I was reading this blog...and your comments Holly...wow...I really feel like I could have written this myself lol and no offense it wasn't actually amusing to me but the fact that I know EXACTLY what you're talking about was scary and I never thought I'd find another person with such a similar situation...seriously almost identical!!! If you haven't read my blogs (I know they're a bit out there and all over the place sometimes) please read the ones having to do with MIL (that's MONSTER-In-Law actually lol)
My MIL is pretty much the same as yours and not sure which is worse though because my DH let MIL take over SD pretty much since a bit before she turned one...DH moved out of his parents house almost a year and a half ago but it wasn't til I came to live with him last year that SD was not always over there.
DH has to have a set "visitation" schedule as well or else she'll keep calling him and she'll show up in the morning at SD's school in the morning...
Honestly not too long ago it would bother me every time she went over to MIL's and pretty much anytime the 2 were together. My mistake was that I kept comparing myself to MIL and kept questioning what I was doing, saying, and how I was acting, and why I wasn't good enough if not better than MIL, I kept asking myself angrily "why does SD always choose MIL over me???" The thing is that I knew all the damage MIL had done with SD and DH and I was trying to "fix" SD...wasn't going to work, not EVER. And I was pretty dumb and naive to think that it could be done. SD is 7 now and even though she's changed for the better, whenever MIL is around, it goes out the window. Ever since I've disengaged though, it hasn't bothered me at all. SD got sick at school after I dropped her off, guess who went to pick her up? Not me and not DH. MIL lives a lot closer to the school so I asked DH "wouldn't it make more sense for her to pick up SD since she's closer?" And she did. DH was about to pick up SD after work and bring her home; who suggested she stay at MIL's (since I'm pregnant and didn't want to risk getting sick with some stomach flu or virus)? I did. As did MIL. I'm no longer analyzing anything and everything MIL or SD says trying to find all the evil intentions and underlying messages...because I simply don't care anymore...it's so nice! And since I no longer do anything at all for SD when DH is around, he gets to finally see everything I used to complain about and HE gets to deal with it lol...all I have to do now is take care of myself and my baby as well as BS4(STB5), oh, and DH when he's home...just us four is quite a handful and this baby's not even out yet! Lol but it's a LOT better, and I'm a lot less stressed...if you ever need to talk, please, please PM me...don't drive yourself crazy...I know I have...