My Step Daughter is Ruining my Relationship
Hi Guys! I'm completely new to this so please bare with me!
I have 4 Step children! 2 boys aged 5 + 8 and 2 girls aged 11 + 16. The younger 3 have a different mom then the oldest.
I met my now "Fiance" in January of 2011. Not A big deal. He was 33 at the time. I was only 18. (Big age difference I know!) We talked for a while and he eventually told me about 2 months later he had 3 kids. Not a big deal in my eyes, I love kids! It finally came out 3 months after that, that he actually had 4. A 12 year old (at the time) living with his parents! I knew right then and there, something was up. Well in August of 2011 I finally got to meet his kids! I met the younger 3 first and they were a delight! Lovely happy interesting beautiful well mannered children. I loved them instantly! We made the treck out to his parents place, and I met the rudest ignorant smart mouthed 12 year old I have ever me! She was mouthy and swearing at her grandparents and her dad, pushing my youngest step son who had just turned 2. Just downright ignorant. Well, my "boyfriend" at the time had made it very clear this is why he hadn't told me about her until later on. Turns out as I was told after our visit she had been sexually abbused by her moms boyfriend when
she was 9 or so. (Would of been nice to know before hand!) But her
Guardians also known as her Grandparents use this incident as an excuse for her behaviour! And have for the past 4 years!
She is now 16 and I honestly don't know how much more I can handle! They still use the incident from 7 years ago as an excuse for her attitude and behaviour! She was caught posessing, producing and distributing child porn this past summer. And they blew it off as no big deal. He Windows phone, Ipad and ipod were confinscated. But they (grandparents) felt bad for her so they went and bought her a new iphone less then 30 days later. No remorse no punishment not even a lousy i'm sorry to anyone for anything she had done! And just not a big deal in their eyes! She will push her grandmother And throw things at her and call her down and yell and swear at her until she cries and then they tell her its okay she has had a hard life and then bend over and give her whatever she wants because they are afraid she will run away. They lock up the vehicle keys at night so she won't take off to go and meet up with boys. Its that bad
She refuses to stay with us, which we don't push. She knocks her other siblings down and upsets them terribly. They are healthy happt kids, but finds it necessary to call them all Ugly and fat and anything she can come up with to hurt their feelings! They prefer not to have her there as she upsets them. They don't even want to go and see their grandparents anymore because she is there. That is how bad it has gotten.
What she has done and continues to do has caused such a strain on my fiance's and I's relationship I don't know what to do. He has developed a temper, not a physical one as he has NEVER layed a hand on me, but he has a very verbal temper. All he does is yell at me over things now so I can't really talk to him about anything. Her, his other kids, nothing. I need someone to talk to or vent to about these things but I'm not allowed to talk with ANYONE about it. Hense why I am turning to this group. I know I am slowly slipping into depression, i know it, I can feel it, and I'm holding on as long as I can and being as strong as I can. But with everything that has gone on and continues to go on with a 16 year old step daughter who makes everything so difficult on everyone, as much as I do Love my Fiance I don' t know how much longer I can hang on!
I am really lost on what to do!
- TLynn's blog
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Comments
I could be wrong but a 16
I could be wrong but a 16 year old girl producing and distributing child porn and nothing was done? I'm calling CREW on this one.
I interpreted that as the
I interpreted that as the girl was taking pics of herself...
That's what I thought too.
That's what I thought too.
She was 15 at the time. She
She was 15 at the time. She is 16 now. All she was given was a warning. But still. Its quite ridiculos in my opinion!
Basically a slap on the wrist
Basically a slap on the wrist and told not to do it again.
OP is she in therapy? This
OP is she in therapy? This sounds like a case where it really is warranted.
As for you, not sure what you mean you aren't allowed to talk to anyone else about your situation. That sounds controlling bordering on abusive. Do you feel safe to leave if you wanted to?
So you are 22. Your fiance is
So you are 22. Your fiance is 37. Hmm, he has someone who takes care of his kids and is a bed warmer. He has an out of control child he refuses to parent and inflicts this child on his parents who are not equipped for raising a troubled kid.
Not to mention she is only 6 yrs younger than you. She would have been in kindergarten when you were only in the 6th grade. Why would she listen to you? She has it made. She can behave however she likes and she gets rewarded.
As much as you want to rescue this family (and I know how you feel) you are not equipped mentally, emotionally or educationally to make this family successful. This will never ever work out. I know you love him but you are in way out of your depth. I am sure the kids are delightful but the man is a liar.
22 yr olds should be in school or building their lives up. Not taking care of other women's kids while getting old before her time because no one values her enough to protect her or see the chaos they live with.
You are a sweet kid. But seriously, no one needs a life like this.
^^ Oneoffours response: Well
I'm the stupid one for
I'm the stupid one for putting up with it so long. I was warned about him first time I met his ex wife. Stupid me should of listened! She claims he was abbusive with her just before they filed for divorce. But they yelling and such never ended the whole time they were married. She couldn't talk to anyone, or if she did it would have to be in "secret" or he would blow a gasket! He gets mad if I talk to my own mom.
Yes the daighter was the one caught producing porn. Pics/videos you name it!
His parents have made it very clear, they have custody, and he has no control or say over how they raise her.
22 year old girl dealing with
22 year old girl dealing with a guy like this???? Either he has the most epic dick of all time or this is a crew.
At 22 you are idealistic and
At 22 you are idealistic and still believe you have the power to change things/people; the post seems legit enough to me.
My mom is always sick with
My mom is always sick with worry. But she is 2 provinces away. I have only spent 27 hrs with my family since june. Didn't even get to see them over the holidays! I try and tell her what I can when he is not around but she won't ask anything that will set him off. I will message her over text or FB but have to delete it right away after incase he see's. Its stupid I know. I have low self esteem and have since high school and I know that is a big part of why I stay. He has told me when he thought I was going to leave before that "you'll never find anyone, you will end up alone" and as stupid as it is that thought sticks with me. But he verbally knocks me down so I feel like shit. You get called a bitch and useless and you name it so many times and it gets to you. I am basically a maid and a babysitter when his kids are out. I do all the cooking, all the laundry,, all the dishes by hand (no dish washer!) Bathe his kids, make sure they are packed to go home, and much more. Don't get me wrong I dont mind doing these things but some help from him would be nice as they are his kids! The kids help when asked so that makes it a little easier. But the kids and I will go and make a nice full dinner for, the 5 of us, set it up in the dining room at the table, we will all sit down to eat, and he will come in and grab his plate and go sit infront of the TV, and then the kids will be strong not to show any hurt, but they are and he doesnt seem to see it. He yells at them like he does me and that bothers them.
Maybe its not his 16 year old's fault, but he tries to do things with her and get her to help out but shs resists and yells and screams and hits people and throws things and it puts him in a very bad mood and that's when it gets worse between us, he takes out his frusturation by yelling at me because he gets in shit from his parents when trying to disiplin her because he "has no right" to ground her or take her cell phone away. When she calls grandma (his mom) a bitch or throws something at her, or pushes her, he is supposed to stay quiet and not say anything about it. So he yells at me instead over anything to take out his anger. He has been in anger managment before.
The age difference between me and his 16 year old is only 6 years. I, had finished school a year before I met her dad.
I had a realization last night after I logged off last night. He called to, talk to his mom and his daughter answered, right away they start arguing over those "Fifty Shades of Grey" books because she has been reading them online on her phone against grandma and grandpas wishes. He her comment to her dad was "well, you let TLynn read them!" And his answer was "there's a difference between what my daughter does and what I LET my wife do" I thought, you the hell do you mean you "LET" me?
I have my suspisions and a fair amount of evidence that he has been doing things he shouldnt be. Between the second email address on his phone with naked pictures of women, then claimed it wasnt his, that someone must have hacked his phone, and the prepaid Visas with calls to sex lines, the 516 text messages and 32 picture messages we were billed for for texting numbers in the US and the list goes on and on and on. Ive only just found all this in the past week or so!
I mean I'm no Angel, I've made some horrible mistakes but I've put my all into this relationship and given it 4 years and its only going downhill. Ive been %100 faithfull to him, I moved for him, supported his goals, accepted his kids as my own, well, 3 of them anyways. I don't know what else I can do. This started out as a problem with his daughter, and as much of a pain in the ass she is, he is the bigger problem!
You need to pack what you
You need to pack what you absolutely need and leave. Just leave. Call your parents and find a way out of there. Contact a shelter and ask for help. Be calm and collected. But get out of that mess.
And you excuses are just that... excuses.