Boundaries
Tomorrow morning I drive back to the house. SD will be in school by the time I get there. I plan on sitting DH down and laying down the law. This come to Jesus meeting will be short and sweet. Here is my outline, and suggestions will be helpful:
1. I will not watch SD while you run errands or go the gym. Period, ever. According to the CO, SD is not to be left in the care of a third party except school and daycare unless the other parent agrees. Until the CO is changed AND SD shows significant improvements in her behavior, I will not watch SD. I will NOT listen to any more "secrets". I will not be left alone in the same room as her.
2. DD is never to be left alone with SD. Not even for a minute, or while you are outside mowing the lawn. sD self harms and hits other children. She has no bond with dd. I do not trust her to be alone with dd.
3. I will go with you to meet SDs counselor. I will talk to the counselor about the PAS and self harming issues. I will NOT hold your hand through this court battle, making sure you document or keep your lawyer updated. I will not communicate with dr evil, unless it is an extreme circumstance. This is your fight. I will emotionally support you, but I will not bear this burden.
4. You need to make spending time with SD a priority. Take her out once a month on an activity, just the two of you. She is at an age where she needs to spend time with her father, as she is fearful of men from what her mother tells her.
5. The past year and a half I have begged you on a daily basis to get your daughter help, as she is suffering from extreme mental issues. You failed to do so. This has taken a huge emotional toll on me, to the point of depression and anxiety. I am going to seek help accordingly. However, if it reaches a point where SD has another extreme Meltdown, I am leaving the house and taking dd with me. I refuse to stay and watch a 9yr old beat her face into the wall or bite herself. I refuse to have her throw things at my possessions. SD is your child, so you need to be watching her like a hawk.
6. I love and care about SD, but loving her hurts. Loving her is painful, and it is directly hurting my ability to parent dd. I need to take a step back from loving your daughter.
Too extreme? Is this wrong?
- Toastergirl's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I think it is great. It is
I think it is great. It is clear and factual with very little emotion. You express what you want and why you want it. Then you state the consequences if it doesn't happen. Good job!
Great I find that like you I
Great
I find that like you I get sidetracked or overly emotional when trying to have these discussions, so having it written down is perfect, and as aylobi says - better to GIVE him a copy as well, so he has it to reference and can't try "I forgot"
Whilst I agree with tog that
Whilst I agree with tog that number 4 isnt your problem, Id probably keep it in there to avoid being told your a snake headed step mother who hates his child.
End of the day it is important for him to have some alone time with his daughter but if he doesnt see it as a priority you cant change that. But maybe encouraging him to go do something on his own with her will make him feel less attacked when your telling him DD cannot be left with SD.
Good luck
Yes, that was my take on no.
Yes, that was my take on no. 4 too. Technically not her problem or something she can control, but it eases some of the hurt of the other things, and removes some of his ability to use the worn out old phrase "you just hate my kid, don't want me to spend time with my kid/blah blah di blah"
This way its there, she's all for it, encouraging it and its up to him to make the choice to follow through.
I think you're making huge
I think you're making huge strides. I bet this wasn't easy.
In your shoes, I think your goal is to draw clear lines about what's ok and what's not for you and DD. In the case of SD being left alone with DD, you have to trust DH. That's the most volatile issue, IMHO. Because DH is pretending SD is fine, so he refuses to protect DD from the imaginary monster you made up.
Here's what I would say:
Move #2 to #1. DD is your #1 priority, so this needs to be the first thing.
1. DD is never to be left alone with SD. Not for a minute. I want to trust you to never let DD out of your sight if SD is over. If you don't think you can do this, then tell me right now because this is the biggest issue in our marriage today.
2. I will not watch SD. I will not even be left alone in the same room as her. So you will have to look into childcare for her. (Do not explain or discuss. You can say you can see it is disappointing that he no longer has free childcare, you can say you can see he doesn't understand your point of view, etc etc, but do not explain or engage in discussion about YOUR decision.)
3. I will go with you to meet SDs counselor. I will talk to the counselor about the PAS and self harming issues. I will NOT hold your hand through this court battle, like making sure you document or keep your lawyer updated. This is your fight. I will emotionally support you, but I will not bear this burden.
*********
I'd leave out points 4-6. You are right, they are things that should be said. But not when you are laying down the law. Maybe talk them over with your counsellor when you are ready to tackle the depression. The thing is, your situation is really heavy. Your emotions are now out-of-whack. You have little DD to care for. Just draw the line to keep you and DD out of the line of fire for now, the rest is gravy, once you're stronger. And you'll be stronger soon - it'll feel so wonderful to be NOT being attacked constantly!!
I think she's way past both
I think she's way past both of them reaching a decision together, Meerkat- she needs to protect her DD before something terrible happens. Only thing I would change Toaster, is what Beacher said- make him remove HER from your house in the event of a meltdown. The tone is perfect. Come to Jesus, DH, YOU need to fix this if you want me in your life.