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Inspired by Hanging's blog- SM good or evil?

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Mon, 01/12/2015 - 12:40pm

Inspired by Hangings blog:
http://www.steptalk.org/node/209314

So I'm curious....As the adult in the house, the SM, what should she be doing and not doing?

I'm sure we can all agree that SM's DH is putting off the responsibilty of the kids on the SM. That the SM may be disengaged or wanting to be disengaged. That the DH is the main problem when it comes to the kids being taken care of when they are at dad's. Sounds like to an extent they are being ignored and purposely.

It's one thing for the dad to be home and SM going about her business. But she is the only adult in the house (so it seems) and it seems like she is ignoring these kids.

However, at what point does the SM stop being a human being?

She wont tuck a kid into bed?

She makes a kid walk in the cold to hockey practice?

Now these arent things that are going to kill the kid, but come on.

I dont like my skids but damn, I am not going to treat them like total nobodies in the house.

We use the excuse "not my kid, not my problem" but DAAAAMMMN. Doesn't anyone have any heart or compassion?

If you saw someone breaking into your neighbors house who you dont like, would you say "not my house, not my problem?"

I'm just really curious as to when people draw the line? What makes SM become THIS disengaged?

DH and I have friends that come over and play cards with us. They have 2 girls. Every single time its like they just stop being parents and leave all the work for me when they are at my house. And every single time I tell DH, hell no I am not taking care of their kids. I'm always the one "Hey let me check on the kids."

And every single time, I check on the kids, they kids need SOMETHING. Food, drinks, help with a toy, whatever. Yet I still do it. Even though I am thinking HELL NO. I just do it because it feels right.

I dont know... I'm just curious as to when SM is within her right and when she is just being a bitch.

Comments

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Mon, 01/12/2015 - 12:44pm

I can't believe dad would let his wife treat his kids like that. Its no wonder they don't want to go to his house. They are made to feel like they don't belong. I wonder if she makes cupcakes when dad's not home if only her kids get them.... jeez.

Flying.Purple.Step.Monster's picture

Submitted by Flying.Purple.S... on Mon, 01/12/2015 - 12:50pm

When I said it wasn't the GFs job.. it was to mean that if the father wasn't going to be there that perhaps the kids should stay at BMs. I step in if DH can't be there and take care of rides and food and fun too but it's on a short time basis. If he was going to constantly be working every single one of his weekends then I would be like 'hellz no!'. Even though they are "good" skids they aren't my kids and the whole point is for them to spend time with their dad.

queenofthedamned's picture

Submitted by queenofthedamned on Mon, 01/12/2015 - 1:38pm

Agreed. I will NEVER judge anyone in a step situation.

I know that others (IRL) judge me because they have no effing clue. My SIL called me out on FB and wanted to know when I was planning skid1's birthday party for. I tagged DH and said it was on him to plan it. Did he do it? Nope. Did skid get a birthday party? Nope. But hell, I was sick with the flu and that is NOT. MY. KID. I feel bad that he didn't get a party, because my DH sucks at planning, but it's not really my problem and DH's family can hate on me all they want.

I don't think it's heartless for a kid to have to walk a half mile. I grew up in an urban area, and took public transportation everywhere, in all weather. It was easily 1/2 mile to and from the train station. We all survived.

Honestly, that blog struck a chord with me because it seems the mom wants to pin the kids not wanting to go to dad's on the GF being partially/totally disengaged, while dad takes no responsibility for the kids on his time.

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Mon, 01/12/2015 - 3:52pm

Well... I think there IS something wrong with that.

A 15 yo should have some freedom. Required to provide free babysitting all weekend two weekends per month is a lot of responsibility with zero reward. As a former teen and a current adult, I think that's not ok.

Ninji's picture

Submitted by Ninji on Mon, 01/12/2015 - 2:28pm

I can see what you are saying about COMPLETELY disengaging. Sometimes you can't.

SS8 was horrible over the holidays and I told SS and SO that until his behavior improves I will not be going anywhere with them or doing extra's for SS.

That being said, SO went to a Skate Expo Saturday. He has wanted to go as long as I've known him and finally got a chance. I watched the Skids. I was engaged with SS. I am the adult in the house and it was my job. He was fed, given chores and generally looked after. But I didn't do anything extra with him. He wanted to help me cook. No, SS. You have been very rude and disrespectful lately. Although I cooked meals, I didn't eat with them because of SS's behavior.

But like other posters have mentioned. We really don't know both sides of the story but I'm just not the type of person that can fully disengage.

hangingbyathread6's picture

Submitted by hangingbyathread6 on Mon, 01/12/2015 - 3:08pm

Okay guys....I just want to clarify, that I by NO MEANS think that the GF needs to treat my kids like they are hers, or anything like that. I'm saying that there is not a relationship between the GF and my kids, so if Dad isn't there, because he's working, etc...then dad shouldn't have a problem letting them stay with me instead of putting it on the GF. If she doesn't like my kids that's her choice, maybe there is a reason I don't know, I would hope not, I would hope my kids are respectful and polite because they know I expect them to be, but maybe they are not, but if she isn't going to take care of them, then why can't they be with me is my point. And I would have gladly picked my daughter up and brought her to hockey practice myself, but she didn't have a phone to call with.

I've had my own issues with my stepsons...and I know how that can be, I have been where I really didn't WANT to do a single thing for them, but as the adult present in the home it was my responsibility to make sure they were taken care of. That's just part of being a human and being compassionate...after all they are minors and we are the adults...sometimes I think some of us can take it to the point where we really act no better than the spoiled kids ourselves.

Anyway I wasn't looking for anyone to bash the girlfriend. I was just trying to get some advice and input on how to help my 8 yr old rationalize what is going on and how to continue to avoid the situation of my daughters wanting to have the CO changed so they don't have to go there unless Dad is home.