Desperate for advice
How do I deal with a 17 and 18 stepson who see our house as the getaway house. If they don't like how there mom is disciplining them them come to our house, but all they do is play video games til 4 in the morning, leave dirty dishes in their rooms, don't flush the toilet, leave their rooms a mess, don't wash their dishes, leave dirty clothes on the floor and when they leave I tell them to clean and they say OK but when I get back everything is still a mess and they won't be back for a week. My husband doesn't tell them anything. He acts like their friend and not their dad. He gets upset if I tell them anything. I have put up with this for 9 years and I think I can't anymore. Should I try to make it work or let them stay together and find happiness on my own. Hurts because I love my husband.
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At this point, you got a few
At this point, you got a few more years of this until they are gone. I would pray they leave the nest young. Honestly, this is a problem with a husband who won't parent his kids- not an issue with the SK's directly. OF COURSE they won't follow rules or act civilized if they don't have to. They are teens!
So, either light a fire under your DH's ass (good luck, the time to do this was long ago, so change will be even harder now) or simply deal with it a little longer.
I wish I could tell myself
I wish I could tell myself just one more year and the youngest will be out of the house but that's what I though about the 18 year old 7 months ago when he became an adult and child support ended but he still comes over more now since his mom can't tell him he cant. He won't grow up as long as he is being supported so who's to say the same thing won't happen with the other one. I can't make my husband kick them out cause I'm always played out as the bad guy.
Oh, I LOVE THIS. The idea of
Oh, I LOVE THIS. The idea of hiring a maid for the day after the teens are there and billing DH. Oh, very elegant solution.
Screw getting a maid. It is
Screw getting a maid. It is your house TOO! Screw talking to DH who plays as if he is deaf. I would light a fire under their asses!
After this long you have sort
After this long you have sort of set a precendent. I would sit down with your husband and tell him that the situation is becoming intolerable. It is sad he is still in this battle with hgis ex wife and you are paying for it. So he hates his ex more than he loves you. It is also not doing his sons any good by not allowing them to learn to take care of themselves and expect someone else to always clean up after them. He also doesn't do them any favours in learning how to deal with conflict. When they get jobs (don't say if the ever) they will have no idea how to argue constructively or reach a compromise without running away.
In the future when the boys turn up and use your home as a hideaway like kids in a tree house you will be employing a maid at his expense to clean up specifically after the boys. If DH doesn't like that idea he can clean up after them. Or you can remain married but move into your own apartment and he can visit you there. Which means he gets to have unlimited time with his sons and doesn't have to endure your criticism. And the mess and crap that goes with it.
I give it 3 months.
I try to get them to do
I try to get them to do things and my husband says that everybody feels like their walking on eggshells with me because I get upset all the time, but I wouldn't get mad if they just cleaned up and like I say what eggshells because nobody listens to anything I say. I am only 31 my husband is 49 and I feel like I should have known better than to marry an older man cause at my age I want to b raising an 8 year old which is my daughter not grown ups but when I met him my mom was dying and I had no one and I needed him but maybe we r on different paths. He thinks I'm taking over board by wanting to separate because of this issue and as much as he says he loves me he does nothing to fix it. And I also feel like they purposely do things wrong so they don't have to do it again...when they wash dishes and I go to reach for a dish they've cleaned it still feels dirty might as well do it myself. Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!
I feel for you. 9 yrs of
I feel for you. 9 yrs of this shit? I dealt with it for a few months and I was about to go ape shit with the trifling behavior as you explained.
Husband need to grow another pair of balls and get in their asses. I'm sure that you have vehemently complained about their nastiness and utter disrespect. Only way that I could get it thru hubbys big fat head was someone else telling him that he was a poosey and had to discipline the kids in acting right. Thats the problem with kids these days, parents treat the like friends, hence them growing up to be assholes. Have you been to therapy, couples therapy to try to find some balance?
I have not been to couples
I have not been to couples therapy. I feel like I would be the witch in this. I feel like they would say I'm just complaining but then maybe not maybe someone would tell my husband something. Gonna see if I can find someone close by. It's hard since I work all week and late but I will make the time.thank you everybody for ur advice he's gonna have to see that it's tearing me apart inside and no one should live this miserably cause I only get to live this life once and I'm tired of suffering if not I'm gonna find my own happiness with just my daughter and myself.
No no no Zebra. You need a
No no no Zebra. You need a mediator and trust me, I am dealing with a lot of the same shit you are, luckily, I just have one nasty trifling MF to deal with. Me and S/O are in couples counseling because he is one of those push over dudes that like to please everyone, and isn't disiplining his kids out of guilt - this is what this sounds like, and its not right, not at all.
When you do tell your hubby about how this bothers you, does he get defensive then get into arguments. If so, I believe couples counseling would be beneficial. People like your huband (and my asshead lol) for some reason, and this pisses me off, listens to others, but not to us.
I have been complaining to my boo for months about his trifling kids, til I was to the point where I had gotten depressed because it felt as if h didnt have my back, which he really didn't - if he had, he would had put a foot in their asses, but in counseling, he told the doc that "My wife has been telling me things and I know shes right"
I wanted to slap him to sleep.
Its like all the bitching and fighting was in vain - everything I was telling you you just pretty much didn't want to listen to me. So the monsters him and his dead crazy ex made, now he has to live and deal with these assholes.
Persistence my sister - sometimes it takes a 3rd person to get shit thru people's heads because they are in denial, or, just really shitty in parenting and needs someone to convey that to them so they will have a damn clue.
Because they have more
Because they have more respect for a third person than us? Sometimes, the only way to get my DH to see my way is to get his best friend to shame him. Or I mention that I am talking with my father about it. There's nothing like another male in the picture to make these guys think twice.
Everything u say is right he
Everything u say is right he feels guilty for the few years he wasn't in their life and feels like he has to make it up to them. He does sometimes tell me I'm right and he'll say something to them once but he easily forgets and then it goes back to the same and he does get mad when u bring it up. I defend my daughter a lot and he gets mad when I don't discipline her for something when it really isn't that bad and he always says if it was my other kids u would get mad but what he can't understand is that she is barely going to be 8 and they r 17 and 18 they should know better. My husband and I are not really speaking to each other right now because he knows that I've had enough and he doesn't know what to do. I feel bad but I am going to focus more on myself. Last night was the 1st time in 7 years I went out with friends and he was upset...I have told him I'm not happy with the way things are and I hope he gets the hint to shape up...mind u my husband is not a cheat, mean guy or drug user he just doesn't know how to take control of his life and it's bringing us both down.
I truly understand because I
I truly understand because I am in that exact same place where you are. Try counseling, thats if you want to work it out, which I can tell that you do.
Thats a good sign that he is listening and acknowledging that you're right regarding the skids, but those shits know better, and are using DH guilt as an advantage.
Thats what I hate about asshole kids and the parents that let them get away with it - their blatant, manipulative ways.
If your DH won't make his
If your DH won't make his kids clean up after themselves, then tell him HE has to do it.
That's what I did with my DH, who hates housework but LOVED letting his SK's eat, drink and make a friggin' mess in their bedroom (my #1 rule for ALL people - not just kids - in the house is no food/drink in the bedrooms), ruining walls, carpeting, a computer.
I never said one work to the precious SK's, but you can bet I rode DH's ASS once the SK's were gone without cleaning up. I made it miserable for him. And know what? I didn't care... if he was willing to throw me under the bus, then I was willing to make his life a living hell.
The food/messes quit really quickly.
How did he throw you under
How did he throw you under the bust B22S22?
And yes riding their asses is a good thing but sometimes that shit still doesn't work. Almost got me into a fist fight shit skid 16 and me telling DH to go to hell.
In the early years, there
In the early years, there were many times he did that. But in this instance, it was the outright defiance of the rule that both DH and I made about food and drinks in the bedrooms. And both of us sat down and talked to all four kids about it (his 2, my 2) and said, "Absolutely NO food or drinks in the bedrooms."
So when I attempted to enforce it, DH pretty much did an end run and allowed HIS kids to take all sorts of crap up there.
This was a brand new house (I had it built when DH and I were dating 9 years ago). Two years ago we tore up all the carpeting and replaced it with hardwood floors. The SK's bedroom carpeting was THE NASTIEST of any carpeting in the house (including the family room), and they were only here on weekends... massive stains, ground in food, etc.
I like the idea of not
I like the idea of not telling them to do anything and then telling my husband stuff after they leave but he's the type that if he doesn't want to hear something he walks away. I ask him why he put up with so much stuff from his ex but the moment I start to argue he walks away he says it's because he has put up with so much before that he's not going to let anybody else tell him anything but he doesn't realize the less I say the more it fester inside...hearing all I'm writing I don't understand why I continue to put up with this guess I want it to work maybe I'm just stubborn and don't know how to let go.