Teen Queen starts wknd with insults, drives dad to SM plus BM desperately seeking more of our castle
Dh is trying to get BM to drop off the skids in the driveway and not come in the house. He has started doing it this way when he has to go to her house. She has even started standing outside waiting when he shows up.
However. At our house it's different. He bought clothes for the kids to have at our house. (BTW, thank you, STalkers. When he first brought up the idea, I was able to tell him it's extremely common on ST that clothes do not go back and forth and most here consider child support to include clothes, not presenting the dad with a bill for clothes on top of CS. This gave him the boost he needed to go ahead and pursue it, feeling he must be on good moral ground.) So that means BM no longer packs them wheelie suitcases full of clothes that drag across our flagstone....coming...and going...and often get left in the living room most of the weekend. Grrrr.
So now there's one wheelie case left and it's full of computer stuff. DH told me last night he ran out to the driveway as soon as they drove up and tried to take this case from BM but she basically wrestled him for it! He said she desperately wants to still come in our house. He has shut down the chit chat when she arrives and I myself am much less courteous. (Just sit there, keep doing what I was doing, instead of act like a guest has arrived). But she is determined to come in our house and walk all the way down the hall. WTF is wrong with her? Dh and I are working on a plan to buy new electronics so that last wheelie case now stays at her house, too. Then how will she worm her way in?
So good on DH, he is doing great. But after BM leaves, SD makes a snarky remark about what we're having for dinner. Silly me, I stopped making Friday dinners because they are too stressful but was feeling so high I forgot my resolve last night. SD15'S mouth instantly reminded me. DH told her not to be a smartmouth but of course she had to get the last word in. So not terribly effective.
I was stewing in my juices the rest of the evening and DH could tell. At bedtime we had a talk. I told him he's accustomed himself to the insulting, mean ways of SD15 but I and the rest of the world have not. Instead of being defensive, he was quite wonderful and asked my advice on how better to handle it. Long story short, next time it happens she will be doing dishes, etc. Real consequences instead of the perpetually ineffectual "talks." We ended up talking about ST (he could see me on it all evening as I disengaged from Little Miss Rude and Mean) and he wanted to hear about the threads where people were leaving their spouses over skids and he was very interested in Ghost's thread about the wretched CPS invasion.
So I had spent the whole evening feeling steamed and resentful but we ended up being very cuddly and close. He said he wouldn't want to lose me and he knows that the things I've been asking him to teach her are for her own good as well as mine. He flat out admitted it was hard for him to remember how mad he was at her a few days after some incident and that he was actually glad I was there to remind him that she still hasn't fixed whatever and still needs the supervision and consequences.
So last night I was planning to post all my anger and disgust. Instead, I get to post about great things are getting between him and me and how very far he has come in his parenting. Anybody else have progress with their spouses?
- ChiefGrownup's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
That's awesome! Yep, no BM
That's awesome!
Yep, no BM in the house. It's your sanctuary. Don't be afraid to put your foot down. Just meet her at the door, block it if you have to, and if she tries to come in, keep blocking and firmly tell her no. Your SD is not an infant. She can walk on her own two legs in the house. There is no reason whatsoever for BM to come into your home. She acts like she owns the place, so let her know who's in charge.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Interesting.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Interesting.
What you ladies, tog and
What you ladies, tog and notasm, have suggested is exactly what I would do. Would have done years ago. But it simply is not his style and I've learned you can't make people be someone they are not.
He would rather do it in an unspoken, indirect way. It's pretty much how they're entire marriage was conducted, I believe. It does make my blood boil at times, but often it turns out the way he handles her is spot on because of his years of practice.
Well, it has made me nuts for
Well, it has made me nuts for the 2 years we've been married. But we also don't have the high conflict BM you do. BM is very nice to me (to my face) and is desperate enough to get her kids off her hands that she does little open PASing because she wants them to come over here.
Hmmmm, that's interesting to
Hmmmm, that's interesting to contemplate. To our faces she's very nice. But she has written some nasty angry emails to DH, completely delusional in content. Like most men, DH does seem afraid of what kind of mischief she could stir up for him if she got angry enough. He was very interested in Ghost's story about the CPS and how so many others commented on that thread that they had gone through the same thing. He knows I wouldn't tolerate that and it would also put his job in jeopardy.
With just 2 1/2 years to go, it does seem attractive to keep the illusion of peace up.
Ha! yes, within the first few
Ha! yes, within the first few weeks of marriage I told him that only two people in the world were gonna love her just because she breathes: him and BM. The rest of us are gonna have to like her based on her behavior.
See the thing is there is no
See the thing is there is no open hostilities between us (yet) and that's been a benefit so we can trade days sometimes and she doesn't mind (ha!) that I pick up her child from school on HER days and tutor him and feed him. Stuff like that. So flat out banning her at this point seems like throwing down a gauntlet.
After DH had her send the skids out to the car the first time I suggested he tell her next time, "Hey, that worked out well, let's keep doing that." Even that seemed a bit too direct for him.
Can't argue with that. Have
Can't argue with that. Have said that till I'm blue in the face. Believe me, he has plenty of stellar qualities, just undoing the better part of 2 decades of BM's programming on him takes a bit of time.
Yes, she can be!!!! DAYS
Yes, she can be!!!! DAYS after our wedding she wanted him to do this and that for her and he wouldn't. He gets a text, "You don't seem as available as you used to be."
Ya think???!!!!!
Just this morning DH and I were laughing about how if something happened to him, she'd call me up and say, "So can you start sending the money now? and pick up SS13 today?"
Disturbing. Food for thought.
Disturbing. Food for thought. Thanks.
Much truth in what you say,
Much truth in what you say, Step.tococis.
But a tremendous amount of progress has been made, too.
Exactly that. Thanks!
Exactly that. Thanks!
I agree that your DH needs to
I agree that your DH needs to just let it out and tell BM that she is not welcomed in the house anymore. It would be a good boundary check for everyone. But if you want to be passive then for the next couple of drop offs you and DH should plan to be on your way out somewhere. Lock up your house, have the car running and both of y'all be outside. BM pulls in and SD gets out and gets in the car to leave with y'all. Whatever baggage is being carted can go in the trunk. You said that you don't care to cook on Friday so if y'all can afford it then just do it for the next couple of drop offs. Eventually BM won't bother because she won't know if y'all are on your way out or if your DH is blocking her. I only suggest this because this worked for us when we had trouble with BM dragging drop offs out with hugs and kisses and whatever else she could. By having me standing there waiting with his change of clothes (he was a baby and she doesn't swap in decent clothes for dinner wear) and the car on running and pulled out it was obvious we were going somewhere. DH would just walk up to her and get SS from her and then turn around for us to leave. It worked. Pick ups and drops offs are now over within 3 minutes and thats with her unbuckling and buckling him in his carseat.
Ah, you do know what it's
Ah, you do know what it's like! And since DH no longer chats with her (thank God), she has taken to the neverending hugs and kisses.
This very idea about the car running was suggested to me by a GF and I actually did mention it to him last night and he LOVED the idea! I should have put that in my original post. We ARE going to do it. Great to find out it worked for you! I will tell him!
I agree with all posters
I agree with all posters above.
First, kudos to your DH for having such an open mind and all the steps he has taken. You guys should have a good chance of success together.
I feel I am in a similar situation. There are no open hostilities btw DH and BM or BM and me, but it is always lurking. We get the random nasty email or off comment. When DH and I met she had a key to his house. When we got married we declared the new house a BM free zone. We even told the kids not in a mean way that this was our home and their mom was not allowed in. Once she did try to force her way - last Christmas - but DH kicked her out and threatened to call police. It was unpleasant but we all survived.
I guess we are trying convince you that a BM ban is almost a necessity for most of us. She doesn't have to behave badly first in order to institute it. It's just basic post-divorce practice of good boundaries. It doesn't need to be a big deal and if your BM makes it one, well then you've kind of proved the point!
Also we switched pickups and
Also we switched pickups and drop offs to school so we rarely go to each others houses and that has made all the difference.
This neutral place is another
This neutral place is another good idea. I actually have mentioned it to him before. It's a good backup plan.
Key to his house? At last, a DH with more porous boundaries than mine!
Thanks. I really am glad to
Thanks. I really am glad to have his progress recognized. He does try very hard.
I also appreciate the bottom lining of the thread for me. Well said. It is all very true.
I was never the one who needed convincing, though. But the opinions here shore me up. The very great part about my journey with him as a married couple is that now he is, indeed, wanting this himself, not just to please me. I think that makes a huge difference. Because it keeps us on the same team. Getting it done is really just details.
This is really great stuff.
This is really great stuff. Sadly, I don't think DH could really pull it off, it just wouldn't come to him naturally. However, it is worth pondering. I will let him know and see how he reacts.
As for me taking the lead on it, that would be difficult between him and me. We have worked really hard not to take too many unilateral steps that affect the other. He has really been a very generous example to me of that. So if I suddenly changed the nature of his interactions with BM without consulting him first and getting his agreement, that would be a big thing between us. But, oh, how I'd love to and I'd have no problem doing it!
I have not read the whole
I have not read the whole thread, so excuse me if this has already been asked.
Why has BM stopped DH from coming in her home?
She still wants to come into your home but has stopped entry into hers. How did that come about?
She would love him to still
She would love him to still come in and be held captive while the children dawdle and she regales him with her tales of work. (No, she doesn't want him back, she simply has no other friends to talk to).
DH stopped going into her house by calling her ahead and giving her an excuse to send skid out. It worked. And is still working (fingers crossed).
But she doesn't want to get the message about our house.
Lock the door so she can't
Lock the door so she can't get in. Lol
It's odd to me, period. She
It's odd to me, period. She clearly doesn't like DH but she has no one else to tell her work stories to plus the longer she's in our house the more she can try to get more money from him. Last week she launched into a "pity me poverty" onslaught according to DH. I wasn't here when she arrived. I'm sure that's why she pulled it.
I shudder to think of him with her alone at her mercy all those years.
BM still tries to come in our
BM still tries to come in our home, but at least now it's tiny little hints she drops.
"The car ride was sooooooo loooong"- hoping we will offer the bathroom
"Your dinner smells awesome, what did you make? How did you make it?"- wanting an invite maybe?
"I heard you got a new XYZ"- wanting to come inside under the guise to see it
Ours just heads straight to
Ours just heads straight to the bathroom, announcing along the way, "I'm a girl! I need to go!" Never bothers to ask, let alone hint gently.
She has also stood there yakking endlessly while I banged pots and pans and made comments about how it's gonna get burned, dried out, etc. Not a care in the world, she just keeps yakking. One of the reasons I stopped making Friday dinner.
So much great feedback and
So much great feedback and advice in this entire thread. I want to thank you all. It gives me food for thought for sure, strengthens me for sure, and gives me good ideas to talk over with DH. Much appreciated, STalkers!
Wow.
Wow.
A wheelie case full of
A wheelie case full of computer stuff? Seems excessive
I pretty much think so, too.
I pretty much think so, too. But they're not my kids. Not much I can do about it.
I have influenced the family to have the kids do more than zone out on video games 100 hours in a row and DH has supported that but old habits die hard. Not to mention, they're not my kids. Again.
The rude language and awful
The rude language and awful manners need to be nipped in the bud - or the nipping needs to continue if the buds are threatening to turn into full-grown rose bushes full of thorns... It's a great thing that your DH is listening and trying to address the issue.
As for BM's making an entrance... you know, i will sound a different note. When i first joined this site, there was a guy on here, an older gentleman from CA, a retired college professor, i believe, whose posts i enjoyed. Orange County, CA was his moniker. He seems to have disappeared. He would often advise those of us new to sm-ing to not start WWIII over little things. I whole-heartedly agreed. The problem is, when you are dealing with a personality - disordered woman, you have to build very high walls and go low to no contact. But not every BM is that deranged! Yours seems clueless rather than awful, so, as my grandmother would have said, a bad peace might be better than a good fight.
One thing that you need to fall in place for the relationship between adults in your blended family to become more balanced - in my opinion - is for BM to get a BF or a husband - and then you could have a couple on each side of the equation, which should help with maintaining boundaries, and everything else.
In my first step-family aka my first marriage ( i am a glutton for punishment, obviously) my then husband's first wife and her BF came over to our house for family dinners, and we went over to their house. I initiated that happening and it is one of my proudest achievements. Infrequently, but we did it and the relationship could not be better - about 5-6 years after we got married. Later I invited that BM out to have dinner, just the two of us, and many things were said that evening that I will never forget. That woman was an inspiration, she would graciously play with my toddler, her ex-husband's son, when she visited us, and in the process she gave me quite a few lessons of self-control and class. ( I was in my early 30s, she in her mid to late 40s). What i am saying is, if you can cultivate a relationship with a non-crazy BM that is amicable and uniquely balanced, you will inspire admiration of all those who know you and envy of all of us on ST! Not to mention, you could successfully interfere with your SD's vile attitude towards you bc you will now be "friends" with her mom.
So may be instead of entertaning BM in the hallway, you could invite her to have a cup of coffee one day - or lunch, may be do it much later down the road - and have it on our terms. You are a formidable force and i am sure she sees the benefits you bring to her kids' lives. You could handle her - with care - and pave the way to a more defined win-win for all those concerned.