"You can't care more than the parents."
This has been my mantra lately. I repeat it in my head daily when SD8 is here... or when she is not here and DW tells me something she did while with BioDad.
I will say that DW has been better about actively parenting SD lately, but there is so much more she could be doing. As evidence of DW's gradual change: she had bought SD a glasses chain for her glasses because we know SD is going to lose them. SD complained about it to the point where she was on the verge of getting spanked. She was told repeatedly to wear them, but didn't want to. So DW had enough and told SD that she didn't have to wear them, but that she was going to pay us back for them. So DW made SD give her $12 out of her piggy bank for them. She also instituted a new rule: if SD loses or breaks her glasses, she will have to pay for those too - and she will not get a new pair until next year when the new insurance year kicks in. It's a start and I was happy DW actually laid down the law for once. I told her we should start taking SD's THINGS away too, but she wants to try this first.
So, there was the good news... but of course DW is still working on this, so there was bad news too. SD came home with a bunch of graded papers. Most of them are just work she did in class - math, science, social studies. Most of these are 2-4 pages, and SD doesn't have any 100%s - they all range from -1 to -5 (out of usually 10 questions). SD also has two tests in the packet - one is a 63%, the other a 67%. I see these things first and tell DW "You need to look at SD's work, you are not going to be happy." She starts flipping through and says "Oh, she only got 2 wrong here, and only 4 wrong here... that's not that bad." First of all, this is work she does IN CLASS that the teacher is there to HELP HER WITH. There is no excuse for getting half of the questions wrong. Then DW gets to the two Ds on the tests. I hear her heave a big sigh. She calls SD over and says "What happened here?" SD: "I don't know." DW: "It looks like you didn't read the directions." DW heaves a big sigh again. SD goes back to watching TV.
No punishment. No going over the work with her to make sure she understands it. Nothing. If I had brought home a D in elementary school I certainly would have been grounded. But, I can't care more than her parents. So I just left it.
So, a step forward by DW, followed by a giant step back. Now it is my turn to heave a big sigh.
- Rhinodad's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
We've done that before and it
We've done that before and it makes no difference. She went a whole month last year with no TV (at our house). The grades didn't improve because she has a "get out of jail free" card every Sunday when she goes to her father's house.
How do you get a kid to care about the effort he/she puts into something? How do you get them to realize that hard work has its benefits?
I'm serious. SD may be a lost cause but I'll be damned if BS3 will not learn the value of hard work.
See, that's the thing. There
See, that's the thing. There is nothing she "loves more than anything." The vast majority of her stuff sits unused. I'm not sure what we could take away.
I was raised the way you
I was raised the way you were. There would have been consequences if I didn't do well in school.
I like your new motto. I've been trying to think that way lately too when it comes to SD6. My husband just found out via BM that SD's teacher said she's struggling in school and that she distracts other kids by visiting too much. I told my husband to call the teacher himself to get the details and find out what he can do to help her. Has he done it yet? Nope. Are there going to be any consequences for SD misbehaving in class? Nope. He might have a "talk" with her about it.
I'm going to try to focus all my efforts on making sure DD does well in life instead of caring about what goes on with SD.
This attitude makes me crazy.
This attitude makes me crazy. "Let's play through life with no small consequences while we're small! There won't be any problems later!"
Our school district offers a Title 1 funded FREE summer reading program. It's designed to get everyone up to speed by 3rd grade, which is the watershed year. So they accept K, 1,and 2 students who are reading significantly below grade level. The first year SD qualified everyone ignored it. The second year, she was signed up, went from our house for two days, and then didn't go from BMs because it's "her (SD's) summer", and she didn't feel like it. The last year she didn't go because she would've missed two days of a 5 day camping trip.
Obviously, neither parent gives a fuck.
Funny, I had this exact same
Funny, I had this exact same conversation with my Dad yesterday. I told him about SS's progress report. I could see my Dad starting to get red in the face, telling me I should take away his iPad, TV priveledges, snacks, etc. I say "Dad, I cannot push this kid any further than DW is willing, and she thinks I am being too harsh..."
My Dad stops, thinks for a moment and then says "Yeah, this isn't worth getting a divorce over."