OT - STD's
Four years ago I contracted herpes from my partner. We had been seeing each other for about a month, and it was quite casual. When we had sex, neither of us had discussed STDs and we also didn't use protection. I didn't have anything to disclose - and naively I assumed he didn't either.
When I was diagnosed at the doctor, (humiliated/embarrassed/etc), I confronted my partner. He said he hadn't had an outbreak in over a year and thought he had "beaten it". I was horrified??? Confused? Completed in shock as to his arrogance in thinking he beat an incurable disease??? Who says that.
I felt SO CHEATED. He wasn't honest with me and didn't give me the choice or freedom to decide. We could have used protection. I could have chosen to risk the decision to have unprotected sex and contract at my own risk. But as it stands, he was a fucking coward and didn't think it was important to say anything.
I really struggled with the shame and guilt and disgust I had towards myself. I ended up quitting my job and moving to be with him (1500km away) in order to feel like I had support. I never told anyone about what happened to me. I didn't share with friends, family, anyone, I made up a big lie that I was "in love" with my partner (of 6 weeks) and that I didn't want us to be apart.
I am in this relationship 4 years later, which is borne of a lie. I don't love the man I'm with and I am scared to be alone, I don't think anyone will want to love me or be with me because of this disease. I have never told anyone what happened and I've kept this secret to myself...my partner is a good man and is good to me but I don't love him. I'm only with him because we both have herpes and I feel like this is my punishment for being so irresponsible and stupid.
That's why I am here, and raising this SS that I don't like. I don't know what else to do. I don't think anyone will want to take on my disease and that I'm better off toughing it out with this man. I'm unhappy, and I feel alone, and I'm thankful you all are here to listen to me vent and cry and work through my shit.
Sorry for the OT post, this is the first time I have ever written about this............
- Lady Danger's blog
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Comments
Thank you for the comment and
Thank you for the comment and support. I appreciate that.
Your post made me cry.
Your post made me cry. Please, please be kinder to yourself. Start by forgiving yourself and knowing you are worth loving because you are. You are very brave to blog about this and you have my utmost respect.
I feel like I needed to
I feel like I needed to finally let it out. I am so thankful for this board, the respect and lack of judgment and safety. Thank you for the comment.
Agreed. I've been voracious
Agreed. I've been voracious for info since it happened and it certainly doesn't have to feel like a "life sentence." I'm struggling two fold with the trust issues it engrained in me towards my spouse, and the shame I feel. Thank you for your support and your understanding.
Please don't punish yourself
Please don't punish yourself because of another person's lie. Yes, it was foolish to not use protection but you shouldn't let one mistake ruin your entire life. The others are right, you can meet plenty of other men who will respect you for being honest with them when the time comes. Please seek professional help if you need to in order to overcome this. Plenty of therapists can give you advice & support. And like tog said, this disease affects so many people now, you have no reason to feel so ashamed and alone. Hugs.
Thank you asgood.
Thank you asgood.
You deserve to be happy. What
You deserve to be happy. What tog said about antivirals is true. I know that if my DH had told me he had herpes, it wouldn't have been an issue.
Don't live a life you don't want. Especially, with a SK. (Darn difficult when you do want to be together? I would think intolerable otherwise)
Haha, you know it has!! It's
Haha, you know it has!! It's tough, really really tough. I guess we are all fighting our own battles right? Thank you for the support.
Amen, the women here are
Amen, the women here are amazing. Thank you for your understanding and your support!
Please don't stay with
Please don't stay with someone you don't love because of this.
You can find love but you need to love yourself first. You ARE worthy.
Like tog said, herpes is no big deal anymore, especially when you consider that a lot of people have simplex 1 (oral herpes). Yes, it's incurable but so is the common cold.
Any intelligent person that you may date will not be scared off by the herpes virus.
I don't know if it's because
I don't know if it's because I would have reacted with fear/disgust before I was diagnosed? I feel like men will react like I might have. It's a strange thing. You're right to say it's no big deal anymore because I have read the statistics. But it's always a tougher pill to swallow when it's YOU, you know what I mean?
THank you for the support. I appreciate it.
Please find a support group
Please find a support group and a counselor so you won't feel this way any more. You deserve much better than a shit relationship and raising a child you dislike so much
You should seek out happiness and peace and not be miserable any longer.
I wish you all the best. You were brave to come on here and write about it. (((((Lady Danger)))))
Thank you for your kind
Thank you!
Thank you!
Hmm. I got the herp when I
Hmm. I got the herp when I was 19. Never once threw shade on my love life. I am forthcoming about it with my partners, and find it actually helpful in weeding out the asshats, and fostering great communication about sex.
Get out of the relationshit. Learn more about herpes and how so totally NOT devastating it is. Its a hindrance, but hell, its not the end of the world.
Like I said, it has turned out to be something of a blessing for me. I've even had children since I caught it (safely!) and am married now...to a man I told the first time we kissed that I have herpes, and he shrugged and said, no big deal, we will jump off that bridge when we get to it.
A decent man won't throw away a good woman over one flaw. This is hardly even a flaw. You are giving it waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much power, attention, shame, guilt and garbage. Get on with it! Life is good! Herpes is a speed bump.
I am NOT saying not to take it seriously. Inform your partners, it is the right thing to do. Take care of yourself. Get some valtrex. But it is ruling your life and it is totally nothing more than cold sores ... just not on the mouth. It is not disgusting or filthy. It just is what it is.
FWIW, I probably had 20
FWIW, I probably had 20 partners and 4 serious relationships before I married at 35. Not at ALL a hindrance on my life. I give it almost ZERO thought. A few days every year or so, we don't have sex. Big deal.
I now have a girl crush on
I now have a girl crush on you.
(No subject)
I am loving your attitude and
I am loving your attitude and advice! I am giving it too much power aren't I. I guess it's the societal pressure and stigma of herp that makes me feel this way. And I hope it s a catalyst to some self-loving I need to work on.
Appreciate your comments and your advice. Thank you so much.
What makes you think that the
What makes you think that the next guy is going to be better? You have to fall in love with yourself first
If you are unhappy, the outbreaks might come more often as well. Just tell your spouse the truth, then go off on your own, find someone that loves you for you, and wear protection. Most people have something, no need to be ashamed. I got married a virgin at 23, got an STD from my husband at the time, luckily it was curable, but still, I was blameless. So are you. Stuff happens. Take care of your heart first 
Thank you!
Thank you!
It's nice to hear perspective
It's nice to hear perspective from a healthcare professional. It means a lot - I know I should pay less attention to the disease and more attention to who I am. I am not my disease and I am trying to remember that. Thank you for the comment.
Wow, yes, what everyone else
Wow, yes, what everyone else has said! You should not sentence yourself to life in misery for one little thing like that! Hell, I have a friend who's HIV + and still dates and has relationships. Honesty is key. And loving yourself, that's the most important part.
Truth. I am working on it.
Truth. I am working on it. Thanks Kath.
You are worthy of love and
You are worthy of love and someone will love you. One of my very best friends contracted herpes and HPV from her boyfriend, who had been cheating on her. She was humiliated and broken and thought no one would ever love or accept her.
2 months ago I went to her absolutely beautiful wedding to her soulmate, and now they are trying for a baby.
There is a future of love for you, please give yourself the chance to discover it
This brought me to tears, I
This brought me to tears, I hope I can someday have the same type of happily-ever-after. I am thrilled for your friend. Thank you for the advice.
I take Lysine and I'm
I take Lysine and I'm cautious of my diet. I can relate to how you feel too. It's awful that your symptoms are so aggressive (and on public display), every outbreak has been a reminder of my stupidity and I fall into a pit of self loathing and self pity.
I should know I'm worth more than this (I'm not a stupid girl) but sometimes, the fear of putting myself out there and being honest with a potential mate is terrifying, and the rejection is more than I could handle in this fragile state. I hate my spouse for what he did, yet I stay and "love" him despite?
All the best with managing your situation.
Same here, nothing more to
Same here, nothing more to add but wanted to give you support! This is something you can work into your life and have a happy, healthy relationship with someone else if that's what you want. Be kinder to yourself, you are worthy of everything you were before you got herpes. It doesn't define you or change you. You're the same person! Many hugs to you!
Trying to remember I am not
Trying to remember I am not my disease. It's easier said than done! Thank you for you encouragement.
(((HUGS))) Nothing to add...
(((HUGS))) Nothing to add... but be kinder to yourself. You deserve better and you will find better.