When I know I dont have to see a skid for awhile, I am carefree, loving, fun, all smiles. My marriage is beautiful and perfect. Once I think its possible that a skid will be popping up, I turn angry, sad, anxious, distant from DH

EXACTLY how I feel. what I also don't think DH gets is that every time we get into some stupid argument or blowup it is about skids, every.single.time. NO exceptions! and this just adds to my resentment/hatred of skids. Granted I know that it is misplaced resentment, but I equate it to getting burned by the stove. The first time you are like damn! that hurt, but you use the stove again. Then you get burned again and you're like WTF is with this stove!? But you use the stove again, albeit VERY carefully and you get burned again... eventually you begin to hate that fucking stove and refuse to eat any food that must be cooked on the stupid thing, you steer clear of the stove at all costs.

Forgive? Yes, that works with some people. Hell, I forgave my ExH for 2 years of hell that he put me through with his cheating and sneaking around. I have only ever had a confrontation with 2 people that I can think of and forgave both of them, and we are friends to this day. But forgiving some people (my skids/BMs) is like giving someone an extra bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time.

Feeling down today too Zero, SD16 is back home after being gone most of the summer and school starts shortly so she'll be around every day now. FML. I swear I turn into this evil, spiteful monster when I see her face and I just can't change those feelings, no matter how hard I try

"I sometimes wonder if I hate them more then I love my DH"

I can relate. This isn't who I want to be either. I am so angry that these people are in my life and there is nothing I can do about it. This may not be the healthiest attitude but I live for our alone time and try my best to deal with skid time like it's just another distasteful chore. I make very clear distinctions between skid weekends and our weekends. Yes, I call them that. DH is not under any delusions that skid time is "our" time. It counts the same as work time at a job in my book.

I was doing REALLY good for awhile. I chanted "Not my monkeys, not my circus." I ignored their horridness. But for like the last couple weeks I've been struggling with the same thing. And my SD lives here. So when she is off to school I'm fine but as soon as she steps foot in the house I feel like a dark cloud as ascended. I'm just tired of my life as it is with skids. I am sorry you are struggling with this crap. We understand! Is there a hobby or something you could do when they are around? Like go somewhere else or go in another room and shut the door.

Ya, I got to the point if "he'll no, she's not stepping foot in my house" too. DH right there by my side agreeing with me. I didn't say it would be forever, but I put so many demands and stipulations on her returning, that she would never be able to achieve, that I can honestly say I don't think I will ever had to be in the near vicinity of that little bitch again. ( I get such bad anxiety when I know she's within 60 miles of me) . I will avoid any event in which she might be present, even if it means I might miss out on it; the risk to my mental health is too great. Yes I do believe she has brought out the worst in me, and so I've extricated her from my life. Luckily my DH feels the same way. He still keeps in touch with her, via phone. But she's 17.5 and acts totally outside of his parental inluance. He sometimes complains when she starts creating drama with him, but he knows what I'm going to say..."not my problem...you choose to stay involved" now, I'm so detached from it all, it's become more of a source of entertainment, like a good reality show. The only thing I'm working thru is my resentment that child support may continue for a little while longer because sd failed every class last semester, (my beef is with BM for not parenting and so it's costing us) she's been held back in 11th grade. DH doesn't think she'll stay with it. We'll see. I'm counting off the months until we can cut all of our ties. Unfortunately I know her emancipation will not mean the end of her existence. But it does signify a new beginning and freedom for DH to be legally done with his obligation. (I never thought in my wildest dreams I would hate someone so much as to refer to them as a mere obligation, but that's all I came muster with respect to her) I have managed to forgive her, but not to her face, only inside my head, for my own sanity. It took time ( three years) She has since been diagnosed with a a mood disorder and other mental health disorders, so now I can have a little compassion that she's not altogether there. But that doesn't mean she's allowed near me. That only reinforces my boundary. I guess I'm writing this to let you know I was pretty much was able to extricate her, even though she's still part of DH's life.

"All of the above."

BM died in 2013 and I have the joy of SD19 and SD13. Both dumb in their own special ways.

SD19 is in college and leaves next week, book smart, you can sometimes carry a conversation with her, but.....she is NUTS. She has so many problems that need therapy, and she plays the poor me card all of the time. Today, after DH and I got into a spat over the phone, he FINALLY started parenting. He had the nerve to tell me I had to "work on how I spoke" to the Skids! Well, of course, I'm firm or pissy when I have to ask them to do something. No one else (DH) asks, no one else cares, they forget, they have another agenda (SD19 used that one today).....I am disengaged, dammit, not doing any more parenting. I told DH I had stepped back because I was tired of the entitlement and disrespect. Sure enough, when he spoke to SD19 today, she did nothing but mouth off to him. Badda-bing!

SD13 is awkward as hell and doesn't take care of herself. Then she tries to come reason with DH and I so she can have things, when she wants something. DH has started to see through her shit and has put his foot down. She is annoying. SD13 is easier to deal with, while SD19 just starts bitching and talking down to us, so we have tried to avoid her. I'm glad DH got a taste of how easy it is to deal with his DD19. Why the hell do you think I don't want to talk with her? It doesn't matter WHO talks to her, she is an entitled disrespectful snot.

Yeah, and then I feel guilty, like I should be doing better, or something. :O

Than I come here and read everyone's stories and feel better!

We are all going through the same crap. Everywhere.

~ Moon

This leaves me thinking about profound things, like what is our moral obligation. What is the moral obligation of our DH's. When a child is so awful to their step parent and non-custodial parent, due to whatever reason, do we still have a moral obligation to include them in our lives, even when they continue to hurt us? Say in the case of PAS, if the child begins a campaign of degeneration against DH and his family (me), should we keep insisting they come around to keep abusing us? In hopes they'll have a revelation, and stop hurting us. I believe she is paying a price for siding with BM's campaign of denigration. She feels we've abandoned her, even though she was horrible to us and it's all on her, I can't keep from feeling like we let her down in some way. And it only reinforces BM's campaign that we've disengaged. We all have maybe won a battle here and there, but the war is still raging on. Because if abandonment issues are at the root of BPD, I feel like somehow we are responsible if she's ultimately diagnosed with it, even though her mom has it so she was biologically pre-disposed, environmental issues also contribute to it. And so we're not completely exempt from blame. Guilty by association. But what can we do. Live with the abuse. Hell no. So we live with the guilt and move on I guess.

Mairin, Ya, I guess you're right, I'm (we're) just over thinking it, BM and SD are in denial, and I'm left with the moral conundrum (PHIFF). Sometimes I wish they would have thought deeply about it and how they've destroyed this girls future. But she was and is not my little girl. It's out of my control. Anyway, it still made me think about it. Thanks for your support.