Brand new & need advice!
Hi all. I am new here and could really use some words of wisdom. Background info: late twenties, in a 2 year relationship with someone who has a toddler. We live together and my ss stays with us a few days a week. Many of our past issues involved bm, his and her boundaries, typical stuff around here. He also cheated on me with her in the beginning of our relationship, so it's made everything a million times harder. Now, everything is pretty smooth NOW, except I'm starting to have more and more doubts. Obviously we have a lot of trust issues but I am just feeling really stuck and unable to make a decision about if I need to move on from this or stay. There's all the standard blended family bullshit, the jealousy, the difficulty adjusting for me seeing as I have no kids of my own yet, the insecurity, bm's annoying behavior, and on and on. I'm just terrified to stay and be miserable but also just terrified to leave and regret it. How have you all made decisions like this??
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Luckily, I never had to make
Luckily, I never had to make a decision like that. I would hope that had my husband cheated on me with BM, I would have kicked his ass to the curb right then.
If you are having more and more doubts, jealousy and insecurity, I have to wonder if this is the relationship for you. Obviously, everything is not so smooth or you would not be thinking about leaving.
What do you think you will regret if you leave? What's making you stay? Oh, I know, you love him, right? That's not enough.
It's hard enough dealing with somebody else's kid and an annoying ex, but throw in cheating, mistrust, and jealousy? I don't think I could deal with that. Who wants to live that way?
I haven't, but if I were in
I haven't, but if I were in your shoes I'd run. I am NOT one to advocate for leaving a relationship because of step issues, but I can guarantee that if you stay you'll regret it. He has a toddler with a woman with whom he cheated on you. She will be involved in your SO's life for the foreseeable future. Can you handle that? I know I couldn't.
The real question is, how strong is your relationship? What has he done to prove that you should trust him, and that he won't go running back to her? Is he worth it all?
You have no kids. You're young. There are plenty of men out there without that kind of baggage. Don't stay and be miserable when you can do so much better.
Yep, yep! Get out while the
Yep, yep! Get out while the gettin' is good!
That's what I've been
That's what I've been thinking as well. I feel more and more that I will regret it if I stay, but I feel like I'm stuck in mud. I have a really hard time letting go, and of course I love him. A huge part of the problem is that I have a tendency to take guilt on and try to fix everything. My bf HAS done what I have asked of him for the most part to re establish trust but most of the time it feels like it's just not enough. And now I feel guilty for the sacrifices he has made to be with me- like how he doesn't see his son more because "I don't like it"- when really I don't want him going to HER place and spending time with HER. But he has a way of turning it around and that being my fault. So, the guilt is clouding my brain. And yes, I stayed with him after the cheating. Well, we broke up for a few months and he begged me to come back and that he had made a mistake and was "confused" and trying to be a good father. If I could turn back time- I shouldn't have stayed. But I did, and now here I am.
You have every right not to
You have every right not to want him going to HER place. If he wants to spend time with his child, it doesn't need to be at HER home. He's gaslighting you (google it). That is a huge red flag right there.
My heart goes out to you. I know how love can cloud a brain, but really honey. You can do much, much better.
My ss stays with us two days
My ss stays with us two days a week. It used to be three but my bf changed it to accommodate his work schedule- which has NOTHING to do with me. What he is saying is that if I didn't have a problem with it, he would go over to her place on the weekends to visit. He has never brought up bringing him over more or on weekend days, which I would be fine with. I don't want him to not see his kid, but not at her place.
Well, they are no longer a
Well, they are no longer a couple. He does not need to ever go visit his child at her place. If my DH ever even mentioned that, I'd puke on him and cut his balls off in one fell swoop.
Exactly. For the most part,
Exactly. For the most part, we are on the same page about what is acceptable and what is not, but what irks me is that I have to lay it all out for him in the first place. He had zero boundaries with her before, obviously. And she still does things that are annoying and rude. For instance, whenever my ss is over, she wants to FaceTime. I get that she wants to see his child, but it is so intrusive to me. It's basically like she's sitting there in my home. And once she made comments about things on the walls and around the apartment! That infuriated me. Anyways, a few weeks ago, my ss was with me. She knew this, so of course she tried to FaceTime me from a random number 7 times in a row. No text to see if we were available, nothing. Everything is on her time, her schedule, her needs. And my bf will agree with me about her being annoying, but claims he can't do anything about it. So I am just at a constant level of frustration in general, which compounds my other doubts.
Sandra, I really think you
Sandra, I really think you need to leave him. If only for the fact that the woman he cheated on you with a woman who will be in your life for the foreseeable future. I couldn't deal with that. I MIGHT be able to get past infidelity if it were with a stranger, but someone you have to see, hear about, respect because your SS loves her, pay child support to, has a shared history with your BF, a child...it's would just be too much for me, and I suspect it is for you. Every "step-related" argument now has the added burden of trust issues and jealousy. I just don't think it's healthy, and if you're having doubts, leave. You can and will love someone else.
It looks like they are still
It looks like they are still a unit and you are on the outside. You are too young to put up with this. SEriously. He may even still be sleeping with her. Something does not sound quite right here.
Run. You deserve so much
Run. You deserve so much better. I couldn't imagine having to deal with BM if DH cheated on me with her. And you will always have that in your head.
Thank you all SO much for
Thank you all SO much for your comments, they are truly helpful. I know what I need to do...I'm just really scared and need to grow some courage. I know that my thinking is warped because in a way I feel like who am I to be unhappy when I picked this....it makes it hard to sort out my own thoughts. So, a huge thank you!!! I am also worried about ending it because I am fairly close with my as and I love him. Despite the resentments I have felt, I will be immensely sad to not see him anymore.
Three quotes from you
Three quotes from you Sandra.
First, "who am I to be unhappy when I picked this": don't be hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. The truth is we all have many suitable relationship options out there. When we hook into one, it's important it continue to be good not just start good. This one started good and then began to deteriorate. Don't beat yourself up, you just had the judgment of a person inexperienced in this sort of guy/behavior. Well you learned something: but it's not your problem, it's his.
Secondly, "he begged me to come back and that he had made a mistake and was "confused" and trying to be a good father": But he's conflating two issues; being a good father is not the same as having sex with BM. I believe he said this to con you emotionally and press your guilt button. YOu are right that you are not thinking clearly. He is taking advantage of that I believe. You can think more clearly though now as time has passed in the relationship. That happens to all of us even with lovely partners.
Third, "What he is saying is that if I didn't have a problem with it, he would go over to her place on the weekends to visit." Again he is being an emotional swindler and as someone said, gaslighting you. No sensible man or woman would think this visiting on weekends was ok if he was in a new relationship, especially if he has already been unfaithful with the BM. It's clearly and obviously pushing trust too far. But he is taking advantage of the fact that you doubt your own perceptions and judgment, to propose a mad and obviously deviant course of action as if it were normal, he were the normal one and you were the abnormal one. This guy does not just have a boundary problem. He is deliberately manipulating you and playing on your selfdoubt.
Yes it will be immensely sad to not see him any more... for 6 months. Then you will find another lovely partner and realize how lucky you were to escape this idiot who thought he could con you.
Personally, you should have
Personally, you should have left when he cheated on you. You should never stay in a relationship with someone who cheats on you. It shows a complete lack of respect for you, your feelings and the relationship.
Steplife is difficult enough, but when you add the elements of disrespect and cheating, you're just creating a stew of animosity.
This person is already making you miserable, I can't imagine it will improve if you stay.
Everyone has regrets when they first leave a relationship, but underneath it all there is a reason why you decided to end things and it's important to remember those reasons.
You cannot change your SO, but you can change you and your circumstances.
One of my bf were in your
One of my bf were in your shoes. She went back and forth and ended up staying. After 3 years of her gut telling her there was something wrong bingo. Bm was pregnant with her ex and my bf dh. Dh was the father. I am sure she tricked him twice. They both belong together with her ex dh' fuk trophies. Yea my friend has moved on and is in a nonstep kid relationship. She now has a great guy who loves her and she's not doing sloppy seconds. Sorry but that cheating incident was much bigger than a one night stand type of thing
I know I need to leave. I
I know I need to leave. I have no ties here and nothing messy beyond the fact that we live together. I just need to get my thinking clear before I approach a conversation about this because he easily confuses me once things start to get emotional. Thank you again to everyone who commented.