At least we tried.....
StepAside wrote a great post the other day about stepmothers and how we treat skids.
I commented on that post and had decided a few days before that I was going to change my attitude. I realized that SD's actions are not necessarily her fault. Her BM is a mess and SD has her fair share of issues. I had decided that I was going to try harder to get along with SD or at least be civil with her. SO and I discussed it and we were hopeful that things were going to change for the better and everyone would be more comfortable when she's at our house.
Last night was the first time that SD was coming over since I had decided to make this change.
Wednesday night it was about 10:30pm and SO and I were in bed, he was sleeping, I was reading. His cell phone rings and he doesn't wake up. I check the number and its BMs house so I assumed it was SD. I didn't answer. Phone rings again a couple mins later. Then my phone rings. And then again. I called back thinking it was SD and that something must be wrong for her to call 4 times this late. Turns out it was BM. Shes stupid and didn't think to check her mailbox for her child support money. So shes bitching at me saying we're late paying etc...I told her to check her effing mailbox, leave me alone and don't ever call me again and I hung up.
Well in the morning she texts SO and says "your crack whore looking girlfriend is a bitch. No wonder SD doesn't want to come to your house". I was so pissed. I'm sick of this. So I texted BM and told her to not contact me again. There is no reason for us to speak. She can speak to SO and I want nothing to do with her. She shoots back with saying "go back to your crack pipe and wine. SD says you are a bitch and all you do is drink wine and that you refuse to speak to her".
I lost my mind. This was on my way home from work when I would be seeing SD in 10 mins.
I got home and told SO what happened and he was fuming. SD does this all the time. She gets home and BM grills her about what goes on at our house and she tells BM i'm a bitch and I wont talk to her and i'm grumpy and SO gives her a hard time blah blah blah poor me.
SO layed into her. Told her that she is not to go home and tell BM what goes on at our house and its none of her business. He told her that if she goes home and tells BM one more thing about us that he will never see her again. It turned into a huge conversation with the 3 of us. It was a really good conversation. We all agreed that we were ALL going to change our behavior to try and make things better for everyone. I felt so much better after we all talked. Like a huge weight had been lifted. I was in a much better mood. We had dinner, went to get dog food and some stuff for the house and had a nice time. SD came to me before she went home and apologized for calling me a bitch and said she will try to do better and agreed she wouldn't go home and spill to BM. It was a great night.
BAM!!! SO gets a text from BM this morning.....SD went home and told BM absolutely every. single. word. that SO said to her and that we talked about. Told her that he yelled at her, told her everything we said, told her again that I'm a bitch, that I had a glass of wine while she was there (how dare I?! lol).
We're done. So done. SO will not see her anymore, and if he one day decides to see her, it will not be in presence.
I tried so hard to make things better. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and trust that she would keep her word and not go to BM with everything we do or say. I was a fool to ever believe it. At least we know now, sooner rather than later I guess.
I'm sad for SO because he has basically just lost his daughter, again, but I cant see another option. We are afraid to do anything in our own house because we know SD will go home and tell BM and then we will have to hear about it from BM. We just cant take it anymore. This woman is nuts and just wont move on with her life.
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I probably should have
I probably should have clarified a little bit about why we don't want BM knowing what goes on at our house....everything thing that happens, doesn't matter how small or insignificant it is, SD tells BM and then BM will find something about it to bitch about.
I have a glass of wine with dinner, I get a text from BM "You're a pathetic drunk"
We buy something for the house - "Why are you spending money? You should be giving ME more money for SD"
If SO and I disagree about something while SD is there "you are pathetic. You guys cant even get along"
If I ask SD to clean her room. "Don't fucking tell my kid what to do bitch"
We get called losers, pathetic, bitch, asshole, every single name in the book, every single day of our lives. We have had to block 3 different phone numbers for BM and she just recently started using her boyfriends phone to text us.
This is why. We give SD no reason to think we are horrible. But BM takes everything we do, turns it into something bad and then tells SD how and why its bad.
We told SD last night about
We told SD last night about all the texts from BM and showed her a few. We didn't senor. We told her the names we are called. Explained to her that we are bullied and harassed by her mother. She's 14 and old enough to know about her mothers antics. She really seemed to get it. She got teary eyed and seemed to feel genuinely bad about what she does. She gets bullied at school sometimes and we got into a big conversation about how she feels when she's bullied is exactly how we feel when she tells BM that i'm a bitch or when BM bullys us. She really did seem to get it and I was so excited that things were going to go better from now on.
We were so wrong.
As far as a restraining order, it's not possible. My brother is a cop and I've looked into it a lot. If its really bad then they will go over to her house and give her a warning. Unless she threatens our lives or safety we can't get a restraining order.
That's not true. You can get
That's not true. You can get a RO for harrassment. Repeated calls and texts calling you names is harrassment.
BTDT... I know exactly what
BTDT... I know exactly what you are going through. I could have written that myself. We would bring the kids home every Sunday at 7pm. BM4 was NEVER home we had to wait 2-3 hours for her to get there. he was always food shopping, you would think she would do it before then. She had the whole weekend.
Sure enough, we would have a message for DH to call her. If he didn't then she would call over and over until he picked up. The things were ridiculous. the main thing was we talked about her. But we never did. One SD told us that BM4 grills them every Sunday.
When the kids were young, oldest was 5 we moved to another state. SM had her write down signs she saw so she could find out where we lived (30 mins away tops) BM showed up at our home, to bad we were not there.
What we did was never talk about anything in front of the kids EVER. They would ask us questions and we would give them absurd answers. SD asked me how much money I make, I said $1 an hour.
I got tons of those stories
^^ Unfortunately, this is the
Not having the visitation may
Not having the visitation may be the only way to get thru to BM. You can't win with her. Your DH is a bad father if he takes visitation and he will be called a bad Dad if he doesn't.
Do you have any files of her txts or emails? When you are asked by BM or SD why SD can't visit, send this file along to them and say this is why I refuse to take visition. When BM changes her approach to coparenting, then you will take SD again.
I'm sure after a month, BM will be calling and begging for you guys to give her a break.
We went through this before.
We went through this before. We didn't see SD for almost 4 months because of the same kinda thing. We were stupid to think they had changed when they both came crawling back.
you are right, we cant win with her. Over the 4 months we didn't see her, he was called a deadbeat every day by BM. Now that shes back it makes no difference. She still calls him a deadbeat. Even though we see SD every Thursday and EOW. He pays his child support on time every single month and even gives her $100 more than what is in their agreement. We give up. It will never end.
I hope he quits giving the
I hope he quits giving the extra $100 as well, like YESTERDAY
Wow, what a piece of work BM
Wow, what a piece of work BM is. I imagine that is very hard to deal with constantly. If you truly felt like SD was getting it when you were talking to her, I think you might try to give her a couple more chances. As others have said, with BM grilling her when she gets home, I'm sure she's put in a very awkward position that she's not quite sure how to deal with. Did y'all talk to her about ways she can avoid spilling every detail to BM? Some avoidance tactics? That might be helpful...but I wouldn't blame you if you can't give her any more chances, that's a rough situation! Good luck to you!
We did talk about ways to
We did talk about ways to avoid telling BM things. We had a few suggestions such as saying "I'm tired and don't feel like talking....Not much happened...we had fun...etc". We didn't expect her to go home and tell BM it was none of her business because then BM would have freaked. If SO wanted me to then I probably would give her another chance, but he doesn't want to. He told her that if she went home and spilled to BM then she would not be welcome back at our house. He meant it, and he is a man of his word. She will not be coming back for a long long time.
In DH's case, the judge
In DH's case, the judge ordered the only communication BM and DH can have is through email and it's on Our Family Wizard. This website can be used in court for documentation. The only communication they can have using a phone is for an emergency.
I would go to court and have her contact with you stopped. And have DH's limited.
Yes, ours was similar except
Yes, ours was similar except they had to communicate through mail and only use the phone for emergencies or scheduling.
BM had a fit that she wouldn't be able to let DH know what was going on with the skids so the Judge ordered a Parenting Journal to go back and forth. She would only have it go if SHE had something to say but never bothered to consider that even if she DIDN'T have anything to say maybe DH DID! Then she tried to use that to make DH see her face-to-face because she said that he needed to HAND it to her rather than put it in the skids' backpacks. DH said no that he randomly put it in either skid's backpack right before we dropped them off. If she took it out right away, they wouldn't have time to look in it or anything like that.
BM decided to give it to SD to color on...and actually ADMITTED that in court!
Otherwise it was ordered NO communication.
We don't care what BM thinks
We don't care what BM thinks at all. We care that we are constantly harassed by BM for everything we do. And we care that SD is disrespectful and calls me a bitch.
And I didn't tell BM to eff off. I told her to check her effing mailbox, told her not to call me again and hung up. I called back because I had assumed it was SD. BM doesn't normally ever call us, just texts. As stated above, we both have blocked her. Several times. We each have 3 numbers blocked. She will use any phone she can to text us. She's even used SD's phone. She will use her moms phone, boyfriends phone, aunts phone. Anyone who will let her.
I guess its just one of things that you can't understand because you aren't in our position and haven't had to deal with this for 11 years.
We had the same issues with
We had the same issues with YSD15. She would repeat back everything that was said and done at our house to BM and then BM would try to use it against us or use it to have a reason to bitch/complain/moan.
And if we tried to have a heart to heart with her, she would go back and give every detail to BM of what was said.
That is one of the reasons why I dont like having the skids over. I get it, that they are going to say some stuff that is half truths, etc but then BM takes it to the next level. Last time she did that, that bitch got blocked from DH's phone.
For my SDs anything short of me not kissing their asses was me being a Bitch to them. Yeah I'm not going to live my life kissing your asses. Not sure why you would even think that would fly to begin with.
There is something about teenage daughters and their BMs and the connection that they get when they try to bully or gang up on SM.
Yes agree with your
Yes agree with your sentence:
The problem is not with SD telling BM anything. It is what BM does with the information.
As a BM I do want to know what is going on when my BS is at his dad's. I will ask general questions. Nothing PAS or to make him feel awkward. But just general questions so I know what is going on at his house and if I have to raise the alarm on anything.
Now if BS was coming back stating issues with SM (he doesnt have one) I would be even more inclined to ask questions and figure out what was going on.
And I am sure my Ex would do the same, if BS was having issues with DH.
So I guess in some ways I do understand the back and forth talking.
But I also understand its so frustrating when it feels like you have a little mini reporter recording your every move and reporting it back to someone.
But it really is BM who is the one taking the information and going all dramatic with it.
DH does not respond to her.
DH does not respond to her. Ever. There are hundreds of texts on his phone from her that are all unanswered. He has not spoken to her since before Christmas. I have spoken to her 2-3 times. It doesn't matter if we ignore her. She doesn't care. She still continues on with her antics every. single. day.
I am positive that the BM in
I am positive that the BM in our situation grilled the skids about our house as well. She was closer to SD (as she was making her her mini-me) and pretty much left SS to do whatever he wanted. SD used to LOVE to come over to our place. Then BM started canceling out left and right but just for SD. When SD DID come, she had a cell phone and BM was texting her constantly.
We didn't care about BM even HALF as much as BM cared about US.
Then BM decided to threaten the skids to not say a word about what was going on with them outside of our house. So, their stories dwindled down to "I don't know" when we asked them ANYTHING. So obvious yet nothing that we could go to the courts and accuse her of anything.
The funniest thing was a few years ago when she swore the skids to secrecy about her getting knocked up again and then getting the guy to marry her. We found out anyway. It was HILARIOUS because we both got up and were dancing a jig. For some reason, I have no idea why, BM thought she needed to keep that stuff a secret. Maybe she was delusional enough to think that DH still wanted her back after all those years...HA!
This is a tough one for sure.
This is a tough one for sure. The BM in my situation does many of the same things. She would text me, call me, etc and say nasty things to me. I'm a bitch, I'm a c#nt, I am nothing to her sons, I take her son's time away from their dad (we have primary custody of my SSs...so us having dinner just the two of us when they are with us 20 out of 30 days is not harming them...)etc etc etc. We have three cars...she has one POS vehicle. We go here and there (with and without the kids) she can't go anywhere. And on and on and on. If we argue (and hey...first, we're married; second, we have five kids among us; third, SSs and BM don't make it easy and then add bat shit crazy MIL, yeah there are the occasional arguments!) it's you fight all the time. I'm telling you, everything you wrote...is something I have heard from the psycho BM. The last straw was when I was out with my BFF who made an impromptu visit home from out of state and we went out for a couple drinks on a weekend that the kids were with DH and I. Now my kids and skids are 15, 14, 12, 12, and 8. DH stayed home (although the children are old enough to be home and babysit the youngest one) and only I went for some rare extra time with BFF who is usually only home once a year. BM was out...and she was WASTED! Had been at this particular establishment for hours. I walked in and after about a half an hour of me being there (at no point did I go ANYWHERE near BM nor even look her way) she comes across the room, gets two inches from my face, and screams "You are a F'ING C%NT!!!" 20 people turned and looked, that's how big of a scene she made. I just smiled at her (my BFF grabbed my arm thinking I would deck her, which I would have loved to, but was going to serve no purpose other than make me look as crazy as she is) and said, "Oh did you have something you wanted to talk to me about? I'll be happy to walk outside with you and discuss it" She proceeded to tell me to F OFF!!! and walked out. Prior to her verbally assaulting me, she saw I was there, and texted my DH three times "Who's watching the kids while your whore of a wife is out getting drunk!" "Who's going to take care of the kids when she comes home wasted!" "Do you even know where your f@cking wife is?" He never responded...so after she pulled her stunt, she called him. It was now 10:30 pm. Screaming at him about who is with the kids and do you know your wife is out whoring around I'm sure" and blah blah blah. The entire time I had been there prior to her attack, I had ONE drink. I did have another after her scene, lol but I was certainly not drunk, nor getting drunk. I was simply out with a good friend having some adult time and a couple beverages. We didn't even get out until 9:30 because I was busy doing sports things with my kids. I went to the State Police post and asked what we can do and reported the attack. I also called the FOC. We were advised to mail her a registered letter that stated "After you most recent attack against my wife, this letter is serving as notice to you that you are not to contact my wife ever. Any communication regarding immediate and pertinent information about our sons is to go through me only and only via text or email. Anything that has to do with any member of my family, including my wife, or step children is none of your business and you are not to contact me about that. Your attack on my wife has been reported to the State Police and the FOC. If there are subsequent incidents the issue will be pursued further." She didn't like that...but it has made a difference in the harassment. And because it all has to be via text and email we have written proof of anything she says, and what my DH says so she can't lie and twist it. I know SSs go there and she grills them. I know she says awful things about me and my DH to them. I don't care what she thinks of me. I know what and who I am. She can spew all the nastiness she wants, most people look at her and say, "I know hanging and DH well...that's not how they are at all" or they just don't even bother to be cordial to her anymore. She's more than showed her true colors. And those people that do want to believe her...I don't care what they think either...there is a reason they associate with her...because they are the same kind of low lives and they are unimportant to me and my life. My gf's and I get a good giggle once in awhile about the things she says. The only time I respond to anything is if someone actually has the nerve to walk up to me and tell me what a dead beat my DH is because he doesn't pay her support and he doesn't help her financially and we have the resources to do so. Then my response is..."I understand the BM told you these things, but did she tell you that WE have PC and that she is actually supposed to pay DH $84/month for TWO boys and she's behind on that? And for the record, when she filed for divorce and signed on the dotted line, DH's responsibility to help her out and support HER ended." And I smile and walk away...
I have a similar problem with
I have a similar problem with my sd daughter. SD 39 ( a blog for another time) lives with us. She tells BM everything that goes on in our house. It is so stupid. DH has been divorced from her over 35yrs. way before I met him. I haven no issues with BM. His 2nd wife had all that fun..lol It just makes me wonder why sd tells all. It makes me feel as if we have no privacy. If sd tells BM every day suff like dh planting a garden what else does she tell her? Makes me wonder.
The best way to deal with
The best way to deal with this right now is for your DH to have a dinner night with his daughter once a week until things can be worked out. He should NOT just stop seeing her and you should stay out of the drama with BM.
There really is no reason the two of you ever need to talk. Change your phone number and don't give it to SD. If she needs something from her father, she can call him. This way BM will not get your number.
We just dealt with this same
We just dealt with this same issue. Had the heart to heart with SD15 and everything she did exactly the same thing. Difference here is that I disengaged from her. Right or wrong that is what is working in our home. SO and I talked about we were pretty certain SD would go and tell her mom everything so we were prepared for it. SO ignored BM's rants calmly told SD what she did was wrong and he wouldn't put up with her nonsense.
I had already explained to her that having a relationship with me was a two way street based on mutual respect and integrity. If she couldn't live up to that then that was fine. Her dad is 100% in charge of doing everything for her. If he's at work or has plans he takes her to her sisters I won't be responsible for her at all. Amazingly enough it is working out fine. They spend time together we will all eat dinner together her and I get along but there is no expectation on my part anymore. She has proven to me that she will trash talk me and blame me for everything behind my back. But she is smart enough to know I won't tolerate the blatant disrespect from her in my home.
She's not all bad I really feel it's mostly her mothers doing but I had to step back to save my sanity. I can't foster a deep relationship with her if she bad mouths me every other week because it makes her mother feel better. It's strange no doubt but it's saving us all. Before it was constant drama of texts from BM. Newstep said this or did that or SD feels 2nd place or your choosing Newstep over your daughter. After SO and I talked and hashed it out. It's been nice I wish SD would realize she doesn't have to stoop to her moms level but she was raised by her so what else can I expect.