Adult stepson
My name is Jessica and I've been married to my husband for almost a year now. We are 4 months pregnant with our first baby. My husband has a son from a previous relationship. The mother is nonexistent and they haven't spoken in probably 20 years. I love my husband, his kindness and humor is what made me fall in love with him. It's been an ideal marriage but not without some bumps in the road. His son is 20 years old. I didn't think he would be a problem but he's becoming a bigger one by the day. We met about 2 years ago so I didn't know his son when he was younger. I am only 7 years older then him. I am 20 years younger than my husband. His son was mainly living with his girlfriend most of the time up until now. His son and I get along great. He is very sweet and caring a joy to be around.
The problems...His son is almost 21 and just starting his junior college career. He has maybe a semester already done. He does not have a job. He goes to school 10 hours a week. Other than that he is over at our small condo playing his music secluded in his room downloading movies all day. I really don't want him living with us and whenever I try and bring it up with his dad it turns into a fight. So i've learned to not say anything. His son is a little slow on the maturity side like most young males are. I honestly don't want to be at home when his dad is working and we're home together. He is a grown adult and it's awkward having a man living here.
I am at a loss of what to do..please help.
Jessica
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I have no idea! I doesn't
I have no idea! I doesn't appear to have any future plans. He does;t have any money. But when this baby comes I don't see how there will be any room for my step son.
no, no, no...no person over
no, no, no...no person over the age of 18 will ever live in my home without doing something AT LEAST 40 hours a week. lay it down to your dh. no more fighting, just speak facts: if your ADULT son doesn't get a job or add more classes to his schedule to equal 40 hours a week by (whatever time you specify), I will have to move out.
I have honestly tried
I have honestly tried implying this in a nice way but i am wasting my breathe. This kids is the laziest person ever and is content just scraping by. I don't make much of an impact on him. I'm hoping this baby will practically force him out. He's sleeping in the baby's room so when the baby is here it will be too crammed and he won't have a place to sleep. I'm not going to step over his air mattress to put the baby in his crib
Hmmm. So you are 27. Your
Hmmm. So you are 27. Your husband is 47 and you have a 20 yr old stepson. And you are pregnant.
I think this is just one of those things. Do you think the 20 yr old is going to come on to you? Force himself on you? It is likely he may find you attractive or even likes you more than a stepson should. After all, it is more likely he would find a woman closer to his age more approachable than someone closer to his father's age.
One thing to remember is this manchild is his father's son. They are living as they have always lived. And now after 2 short years you are expecting things to just change? Did this get discussed before marriage? And where will the baby sleep? Is your husband aware that playing music and downloading movies will not work when the baby arrives?
As you are now pregnant what has your DH done to protect your future? Is the manchild to inherit everything?
You have chosen to live a life with a much older man and have a child with him. So his life has a lot more baggage than yours does. His son is one of those things. But the manchild does need to make his own life and not flit between girlfriends and dad's place. Maybe discuss this with the manchild. Ask him what his longterm plans are. Ask where he sees himself in 10 yrs/ 5 yrs/ 2 yers/ 6 mths.
But I don't think you can pull the "You are my stepson/ I am oyur stepmother" card when he is so close to you in age. If someone 7 yrs older than me tried that I would laugh at them.
Just to clarify there are no
Just to clarify there are no attraction feelings between his son and I. I have no doubt he will ever come onto me so that's not an issue.
Your other input is great though. I would love to ask him about his future plans. This baby will be here in 2 months and it's a very valid question. I have a feeling he's going to shrug it off and um, i don't know. How do I ask him and get a real answer out of him? He's such a procrastinator and just thinks he will figure/worry about it later.
That would make me
That would make me uncomfortable also. And why isn't he going to college full time? And not working??? Your husband needs to be considerate of your feelings and make some changes and make sure his son is growing up, he's 20 for heaven's sakes. He's 20 and needs to be making his own life, not spending most of his time at daddy's with his stepmom.
Welcome to the world of DH's putting skids before you.
Yes exactly! To be honest if
Yes exactly! To be honest if he was even older and going to school full time or job and always being proactive I wouldn't mind at all! But he's really just not doing anything. I moved back in with my parents when I was 23 but I had a full time job and helped out around the house. Yes they are my biological parents but I still was helping myself so they didn't mind. He has 16 hours of school a week and that's it! He's obsessed with playing those online games and that's all he does when he's here.
the step son did it in a very
the step son did it in a very sly way. He would start by visiting here and there which turned into staying the night maybe once a week. Then all of a sudden it was Hey i'm going to the Junior college right by your house so i'm going to start staying over 4 nights a week. His dad was happy he was in school so he just let him stay. I need to put my foot down and say something now though. He has no prospects for money --->moving out so it's hard to give him an ultimatum. Is it too harsh to say, you have until the baby comes to get a job and move out?
Thank you all who responded!
Thank you all who responded! I didn't receive any notification that any of you responded so I'm just seeing it now. I hope we all can still talk. I have recently been to counseling and it helped! I was able to sit down with my husband and have a talk about his son. I told him about my valid concerns and he agrees with me 100% which is wonderful. I'm 7.5 months pregnant and the problem with my step son is still the same. He is in 2 summer school classes but that's all he's doing. He tried getting a job but was 30 mins late to his interview which ultimately did not get him the job. He BS's us and says oh yeah i'm going to apply here and there but never happens. This baby will be here in 10 weeks and mama bear will be coming out. I will not be dealing with him sleeping on the floor of the nursery while i'm putting my baby in his crib. I feel like if I try and sit down to chat with him about his plans in 2 months he will say, "um, i don't know but i'll figure something out" BUT he doesn't have any money! What the hell am I suppose to say to that? If we say get out and you can sink or swim he's going to sink! I don't want to do that but he's not making a real effort to make money. He's in the generation of pure laziness. He somehow finds money for gas and food which gets him by.